Separate beds?

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FelixBlue

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Any opinions on spouses having separate beds or even separate rooms as was common among the more affluent in days of old?
 
I like to sleep with my infants, but hubby is a light sleeper. We maintained seperate beds (different rooms) till baby was old enough to sleep all night on a little mattress on the floor. I missed my hubby and he missed me, but we were both worn out from lack of sleep if we had tried the family bed with both parents. Otherwise, it has worked out. We have slept together and seperately on and off in the 5 years of our marriage.
 
If you have a good reason–like a spouse who snores loudly or sleeps wildly and for the time being that can’t be helped–having an extra bedroom to retreat to is sometimes a necessity! There’s no reason that should be in a disagreeable place. Nevertheless, in my experience it is good to have a shared bed that you use together at least some of the time. Distance can creep easily into a marriage, and it is not a good thing.

As for sleeping with infants, if they aren’t sleeping with both parents, I’d put a day bed in the child’s room (space permitting) rather than putting the baby in Mom & Dad’s room and kicking Dad out. First off, Dad still needs intimacy and a place of priority, even if both spouses agree that exhaustion makes sex a pipe dream for the time being. Secondly, when it comes time to sleep alone, I think it is easiest for the child if it at least happens in a familiar room that they consider their own.

I think that separate beds that can be locked together into one are still the rule among Orthodox Jews, since there is a certain time each month they don’t sleep in the same bed or have any physical contact. If you have reason to have that kind of a set-up, those are still made.
 
I guess what I’m really asking is do you think it is selfish to want separate bedrooms…not for religious or “family bed” reasons, but just because one wants that kind of privacy? Afterall, a certain level of familiarity can be off-putting…

Again, I’m thinking here of the affluent…as in England a hundred years ago…
 
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FelixBlue:
I guess what I’m really asking is do you think it is selfish to want separate bedrooms…not for religious or “family bed” reasons, but just because one wants that kind of privacy? Afterall, a certain level of familiarity can be off-putting…

Again, I’m thinking here of the affluent…as in England a hundred years ago…
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Well, if you both want a sanctuary to call your own, you have the means both to provide yourselves with this and to meet the level of charitable giving that justice demands of you, and you can honestly say that no one in your marriage is trying to escape intimacy… it’s your call as a couple. We all need some interior solitude, even within marriage. But while a certain level of familiarity may be off-putting for some, providing a certain level of intimacy and availability is a duty you have to each other as spouses. One shared life, you know.

I wouldn’t use the affluent English at the turn of the last century as the models of marital health, BTW. By all reports, there were some desparately unhappy people in some deeply unhealthy family situations in those days.
 
Scripture refers in several places to “the marriage bed” (Wisdom 3:13, Sirach 23:18, and Hebrews 13:4), not “marriage beds”. Although there is nothing wrong with having separate places of retreat in a house (for examply, say a den and a library room), the reality of marriage is that it unifies two people so completely that “the two become one flesh” (Matthew 19:5). To have two beds would mean that not only intimacy but general closeness must be actively sought rather than established as a norm. Though I cannot say that it would be a sin, it would be a barrier to the marital union.
 
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FelixBlue:
Any opinions on spouses having separate beds or even separate rooms as was common among the more affluent in days of old?
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I think it’s their choice.
 
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BLB_Oregon:
I wouldn’t use the affluent English at the turn of the last century as the models of marital health, BTW. By all reports, there were some desparately unhappy people in some deeply unhealthy family situations in those days.
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Good point.
 
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FelixBlue:
I guess what I’m really asking is do you think it is selfish to want separate bedrooms…not for religious or “family bed” reasons, but just because one wants that kind of privacy? Afterall, a certain level of familiarity can be off-putting…

Again, I’m thinking here of the affluent…as in England a hundred years ago…
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If you wanted privacy why did you get married? Didn’t we marry, because it is our vocation. And the primary task of that vocation is to get our spouse to heaven. How can familiarity with the one you love be “off-putting”?
 
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FelixBlue:
I guess what I’m really asking is do you think it is selfish to want separate bedrooms…not for religious or “family bed” reasons, but just because one wants that kind of privacy? Afterall, a certain level of familiarity can be off-putting…

Again, I’m thinking here of the affluent…as in England a hundred years ago…
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Why in the world would you want “privacy” from your spouse?

Not a good sign.
 
I don’t necessarily think wanting some privacy or space is a bad thing. I’m the type of person that doesn’t want to be in someones face 24 hours a day. And at work, I’m in peoples faces because thats my job as a social worker. I like to be alone sometimes. I would want my own room to be able to just sit, check my email, watch tv, read a book, and not have distractions.
 
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arso347:
Why in the world would you want “privacy” from your spouse?

Not a good sign.
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Well, it depends. If you’re running a business together, you might need some time alone. Remember, he’s talking separate rooms, not separate vacations and separate social circles.

Besides, St. Paul said that deciding to separate for prayer was acceptable, for instance… and that was in the days when the spheres of men and women were much more separate than they are now. He did counsel that the separation shouldn’t be total, so that absence of intimacy wouldn’t become an obstacle in and of itself. Spouses do have a duty of intimacy to each other.
 
I think it’s entirely up to the husband and wife. As long as they’re happy, who cares?
 
If I were to marry at my advanced age (;)) I would definately need my own bed or, at the very least, a place where I could sleep uninterrupted after I’ve been at work for 36 hours straight.

My parents had seperate beds for practical reasons. My mom got up very early in the morning to go to work and my dad came home from work very late. As far as I know, this arrangement did nothing to interfere with marital relations, as I have seven siblings.
 
Well…it’s not for me but it worked for Lucy & Ricky Ricardo, Rob & Laura Petrie, etc…they had children too. 😃
 
It doesn’t sond like a good sign to be in separate beds. Too long of a period in separate quarters is definitely a path towards separation of the heart as well. I have heard of people who may sleep separately periodically for physical/health reasons and if that is the case, then, it may be necessary in order to get better.

People that I have known that chose to start sleeping separately usually ended in divorce. Because, it wasnt just that they wanted their own space, they had lost interest in their partner all together.

What are the reasons anyway? Absence can make the heart grow fonder (or whatever that saying is)…I suppose that could apply but within reason.
 
My vote is no.

There is a time and a place for privacy within marriage but the marital bed is not it.
 
I am no expert on this since I am not married and never have been but I think that it is much better to have the same bed. Having two separate beds or especially two separate rooms creates a separation between the husband and wife that should not be there. I think it builds trust the more time you spend together. At night is probably a good time to talk. I think sleeping in separate rooms would cause kind of like a barrier.

I do not agree with what was said in the second post. I do not think that they should sleep in separate beds because the mother wants the baby to be in the bed. I don’t think kicking the hubby out for the infant is a good thing.
This is all my opinion though.
 
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Pinklady:
I think it’s entirely up to the husband and wife. As long as they’re happy, who cares?
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I agree with PinkLady, since this isn’t a moral issue. As much as I don’t like the “as long as they’re happy” phrase in most other situations, in this case, it applies – after all, aren’t we just talking about sleep here?
 
We have a huge King size bed common to hubby and I. But if he starts that flailing, kicking, snoring, farting, stuff - He is kicked out immediatly and off to the spare room.
I am thankful for the spare room, which is employed regularily and keeps peace for us both.
I also sleep in the common room often just for my own privacy. Sometimes I just like to be by myself. Nothing weird about that and it has nothing to do with him.
 
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