Separated from my husband-is it time to go back

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I’ll try to keep this short, although I’m not sure that’s possible.
I left my husband 7 month ago because I discovered he had resumed a relationship with a woman that he had been having the year before. Secret texts, deleting threads of their communication, going out with her alone and with a group, etc. I believe the genesis of this relationship was rooted in drinking (he absolutely is a functioning alcoholic)
He insists it wasn’t physical, which I’m inclined to believe, although I also believe that it was physical in his mind and heart.
Fast forward these 7 months. For the first 3-4 he didn’t do anything to repair our relationship, but by late Dec-early Jan he started counseling with me. My spiritual director and counselor say that quitting drinking is one of the things I can insist on. He claims that he has only had a drink occasionally during work socials (which is exactly where he met the woman), although I have no way to verify that.
There are a few other factors, but this is it in a nutshell: I don’t believe the changes that he made are real, interior changes. He’s doing what he needs to do, and saying what he needs to say in order to get me to come back (I have the kids and I moved back to my home 600 miles away). No wisdom I’ve ever heard of says an alcoholic can have the occasional drink, much less maintain this without help. He hasn’t attended a single AA meeting, he doesn’t seek help from anyone, and he only goes to our couples counseling, but doesn’t seek individual help.
So, if this were all about me and only me, I wouldn’t go back yet. However, my teenage kids really want to go back to see their friends and return to their sports. They haven’t been able to find friends here, although I have ensured that they have plenty of activity. Part of me realizes that I am mom and I make the judgments for their well-being, but one of them, in particular, really hurts.
Based on my husband’s baby steps so far, should I go back, with the understanding that I’ll leave again if he starts slipping back into the bad patterns? Or does that upheaval create bigger problems for the kids?
I’ll be asking my SD (he is so holy and wise), but he’s in the Holy Land right now and I really need some (name removed by moderator)ut.
Thank you all!
 
Leaving your husband is one thing, but it’s kind of hard on teenage children to suddenly uproot them and move them 600 miles away because the parents are having a marital issue beyond their control. (I’m presuming that this wasn’t a domestic abuse situation that would have forced you to put a lot of distance between you and husband.)

Is it possible for you to move out on your husband, but remain living in the same area so the kids can continue to attend the same schools and see their friends? I realize this may be financially not possible. If your husband is a functional alcoholic, I can also see why you would want to keep the kids living with you rather than sending them to live with your husband while they finish school, with yourself living elsewhere.

How old are the children? If this is a case where they are going to be turning 18 and going off to college/ moving out of the house within a few years, you might consider whether you can deal with living with your husband and continuing to try to work on your marriage, at least until the kids have graduated high school and moved on with their lives. After they are no longer being affected, if your marital situation has not improved, then you could move out and go where you wanted. I think you should talk to your spiritual director about it before you make any final decision though. Surely the decision can wait until he gets back from the Holy Land and you do not need to decide right this very minute.

I think whatever decision you make now, you have to stick with it until the kids are graduated from high school. It’s not a good idea to be moving them back and forth multiple times, so either they need to stay put where they are and learn to adjust or they need to move back and stay in their familiar environment permanently.

Also, if your husband is truly an alcoholic, he is going to have to make the decision to stop that behavior himself. You can insist on it but that doesn’t mean he will take the step to change. His motivation needs to come from within, not from without. The fact that you’ve been gone for 7 months and he hasn’t yet done anything about his drinking is telling me that he’s not yet to the point where he is ready to make that change, and in all honesty it’s possible that he may never make that change regardless of what you do or don’t do. I’m speaking as someone who was previously in a long-term relationship with an alcoholic and pill abuser who never changed his behavior (including when I left and when other bad consequences, like jail time, happened to him) and died at a young age. If you do decide to go back for the sake of the kids, I would recommend you get some individual counseling so you avoid co-dependency patterns.
 
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I think, if your husband is not actually cheating on you, you should reunite with him, despite his continuing faults and failings. You don’t really have a right to demand that your husband be perfect, or that he meet a set of conditions you have arbitrarily established, in order for him to return. You have a valid Sacrament of Marriage (I presume), so you should continue the marriage and work on its problems while he is living there with you.
 
Ah, alcoholism, the bane of marriage and life. I have seen husbands who quit drinking for the sake of the Lord, their wives and families. So I know that it is something that can be overcome.

It is really up to you. The thing for you to consider is the reason for you to leave him in the first place. Was it a valid reason? And if it was, do you think that reason now has been somewhat addressed? You do not seem to believe that your husband is sincere in changing his alcoholic way. If there is no real attempt at changing, you may go back to the square one.

I feel sorry for your situation. I hope the seven months separation would not be in vain but to achieve at least minimal result. If not, perhaps a longer separation may be necessary.

God bless you.
 
Been there. My alcoholic husband killed himself one night after threatening to kill me and my teenaged daughters. He did it at home
Lord how I wish we had moved away.

If you don’t believe he will change. GO.
Nothing is worth the damage to your kids.

Go to the battered women’s group in your town. They have heard all of this before and will give you advice.

Peace.
 
If you don’t believe the changes are real, don’t go back. You’re under no obligation to live with your husband again, especially if you believe he’s just giving you lip service. Keep yourself and your children safe. You’re doing everything right.
 
Well, I have no proof that he “actually cheated”, but that doesn’t mean it didn’t happen. I only have stone-cold proof of the emotional relationship, lying and hidden texting apps.
As I touched on, his alcoholism does impair his judgment as a protective father, as far as I am concerned. From giving our kids alcohol to letting kids without a license drive a car around an event parking lot. (That kid hit a telephone pole and police did have to come). So the danger isn’t so much that he will abuse them physically, but that he sets them up in dangerous situations and seems to think it’s good fun.
As for the distance, we have a lot of family here, and the kids do have relatives their ages to hang out with, but they did leave their best friends and their favorite sports behind. They aren’t 100% miserable, but obviously they feel as though they would be happier at home.
In short-have I made my point, and now I just have to deal with my marriage in whatever manner my husband determines? Or do I continue to stand firm until there is measurable change?
 
You can’t.
These are excuses.
Sorry, but that’s the plain truth.

You are in control of your life.
You do realize that, right?
 
@PianistClare,
That I have some control is a lesson I am learning. However, I have to reconcile that with the fact that I am married and don’t live for myself alone.
If I had my way, I would go back to my husband with the guarantee that the kids would get only the best of him, and not have to deal with the issues brought up by alcohol and such. But the best of him doesn’t show up very often anymore.
 
I’v gone to a few Al-Anon, but the kids have never been to Ala Teen. My sister did recommend it, but it is really, really hard to fit in with all that I have to do right now as a single parent.
I should try harder, and I will. Thank you for the reminder.
 
You’re not stuck.
You live for your own well being and that of your children.
I’m not sure why you keep writing in. You seem not to want to change anything in your lives.
Either it’s very bad, or it isn’t. NO one will condemn you for protecting yourself and your children.
The church certainly won’t.
 
Blessings
God loves a healed family. You know, there is one option, you didn’t mention. He finds a job where you are and moves where you are. His contact w woman will be over. He won’t be there. The areas of memories will be out of sight b/c he won’t be near them. Put house up for sale. He could rent a hotel room while trying to sell house?? Put in resumes where you live! God will connect. Talk about, what is his vision of family… what is his vision for your family. Why did he get pulled into that scenario? What happens if he is confronted w similar situation. Never give advice to a complaining WIFE. He’ll get sucked into emotional affairs…
May God guide you. May you receive grace to be strong in this unstable time. May the vision of a healed, healthy marriage become his for the kids sake.
In Jesus name
Amen
 
With my deepest gratitude for caring enough to weigh in on this, it is not at all that I do not want to change anything. I want to change so, so much, but as a married woman, I am not an island. My husband has sinned against God and me, but I must forgive him. For me, it is hard to know how much do I consider the baby steps he has made, and how much do I consider that patterns of the past as I determine if it’s time to give it another go?
Why do I keep writing in? Probably the same reason many confused and broken people write in…hoping for some holy soul to give an answer that is a slam dunk in one direction or another for their cross.
I have so much to be grateful for, and I have so much about myself I need to change.
 
And my own personal testimony was not enough?

This makes me incredibly sad.

Been married to an alcoholic. Seen all the warning signs in your posts.
I have no idea what it’s going to take for you.
But know this: Forgiveness also comes hand in hand with repentance.
If he does not believe he needs to change, then you can forgive him all you want, but you are still in danger and so are your children.
My children said, mama why in the world would you marry such a man?
Becuase he wasn’t always like that. My mind was clouded with the things I knew COULD be.
Sadly, his disease, alcoholism and perhaps mental illness prevented him from change.

“My husband has sinned against God”.

Swell.
What is he doing to rectify that? And is his repentance to God your responsibility?
I know in the past, the Church has been thought to say "stay NO matter what.
I think that if you speak to a priest and give him every honest detail, you will find that the church never expects us to stay with an abuser. It’s his sin, not yours. Unless you permit him to be around your children and model some horrible behaviors. You have a bigger obligation to them. They are chidlren. He, however, is an adult.

“waiting for some holy soul”

YOU be that holy soul
YOU save your chidlren.

ETA: I won’t write again, it’s too painful .
Unsubscribing.
 
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This is not some private enclave for perfect Christians. We are called, we are commanded to bear one another’s burdens. Thank you for allowing us the blessing of sharing a tiny bit in bearing your burden.

About AlaTeen, your kids speak of not meeting friends. At these meetings they will find other teens who have been through the same things, who understand them in a way that other teens might not. If you can, put the next meeting at the top of the priority list. I’m sure you will find another parent who is in AlAnon who will help with transport of teens to group.

This blog http://www.sobercatholic.com/about/ has some resources like a Rosary and Stations of the Cross meditations for addicts. Praying one of these as a family cannot hurt!

Keep going, one day at a time. One hour at a time.

Keep healing. Hopefully you will find a nearby Calix Society! Keep letting your far flung Catholic family on the internet pray with you, commiserate with you, listen.
 
OP,
Please, don’t return to your husband until he stops drinking! Your kids will survive. What if you, or your husband had found a job opportunity, or had a famiky obligation, out of town, and you had to move. Then, the kids got lonely for their school and friends. Would you even think of packing up, and moving back?

I know, it isn’t an exact analogy. Your husband ha a disease called alcoholism; at this time, there is no cure, and the only effective treatment is to stop drinking permanently…no special occasionns, etc. He obviously hasn’t done that.

And, don’t go back on a promise…make sure there are no ‘hidden stashes’ of alcohol. From all I’ve heard, stopping drinking is only possible when the person does it for himself-so any ‘I’ll stop when you move back in’ is unacceptable!

I’m sorry, I haven’t read your other threads on the subject. But, I know that you did post a lot. Trust me, his drinking is the problem here.
 
I remember your other thread.

I think you did the right thing by leaving.
You are protecting your children from your husband physically, and emotionally.

It must be difficult to be married to someone that cares so little about you and his family that he is unwilling to stop drinking, or even go to AA. He cannot be a good husband or father if he is drinking. I don’t see that you had a choice, except for what you did. Even if you only move back closer to home, he can keep drinking, and will be able to see and influence his children negatively.

Yes, it would be nice to still gave their old friends, but your children are learning valuable lessons from you having the strength to stay away from a man who is not willing to be “all in” for his family. And they will see someday that you keeping them safe was more important than them keeping their friendships. They aren’t the first kids yo ever have yo move away, and they won’t be the last.
 
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Also, something I didn’t address in my first post here, although I did think of it; in these days, leaving a school district doesn’t mean that your kids are cut off from their school friends, completely…there is the internet! So, if they have made close friends, those friends can remain friends, without your having to underwrite expensive phone calls, and visits to the area they and you may not be able to afford! So, take your time…don’t go back until you’re sure you’re ready to, and that you and your kids will be safe living there. I do pray that your husband sees the light!
 
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