Separated, Not By Choice

[Liberanosamalo]

Wow. I wish I had thought of becoming boring. How could I have not seen that as an option with his 4-minute attention span!

Eliza, we should share “love letters.” I used mine in my annulment petition. It was all right there. “I want to take you to my castle far away and lock you up. But will the locks be on the inside of the doors or the outside? Hmmm…”

Wow. How did I ever see that as “cute.”

He spoke of his “mood swings.” He wasn’t kidding. His “dark moods and cursing and ranting” when his apartment lost power. I did not realize that he would turn that on me.

And I had seen him get very angry with people at work. I tried to be supportive of him as the aggrieved party. But now I see he always had a conflict with someone. That anger was big and noticeable. And I should have run in terror.

So many things were in those letters. I should have read them to my family.

They may have told me what it looked like to a dispassionate observer.

 

[Eliza10]

Eliza, I once saw a bumper sticker that still makes me laugh:

"I’ve never been so happy since I gave up hope."

I know living on false hope feels like living. But once you realize your hope is a lie, letting go of it can be very freeing. I have learned to replace that with a different kind of hope. Hope that my children will have a better life. And I too worry that they will not be able to recognize “normal.” And they will gravitate toward the kind of man who treats them with disrespect.

Wow. A slogan for me. Only, I still feel the emptyness of the loss of that hope. I shall have to examine that. I do realize the hope was false; it was a lie. I do feel somewhat free due to that realization. I suppose I need to foster new hopes, and the hopes I have fostered are for my son, also my prayers. But, as I said, it may just take time as the old hope was one I nurtured and lived on for SO long.

But I will pray that my hope be replaced.

As to your list, there are many things I had in common. Some were more extreme than my experience, but we had some milder form of the same problem most of the time. Only he idolized his mother and sisters. That used to make me jealous, only because I worked so very hard to please, and he was never pleased, but would rave about his mother and sisters in another part of the state. But I observed a superficial detached realtionship between them. So, while he did not compare me to other women (I would have seen that as crude), he did idolize his family.

I would say if a man spoke disparagingly of his mother, that would be a very bad sign.

My husband was also big on blaming, also pouting. Also he would get in my space intimidate me with his body in a threatening way, angry, red-in-the-face, eyes bugged, acting like he was about to hit me. But he did not say those words because the one time he did shove me I said I would call the police if he ever did that again, and he could tell I meant it. At that time I sensed so much was wrong, but I had not one to tell me how wrong it all was. Except my husband, who of course invalidated my concerns (plus, my telling him the concerns it what got himso mad he shoved me). But, shoving I knew was wrong, so that I stood up to firmly and he never did again.

 

[hasikelee]

I noticed in those lists a lot of references to anger. What if you are with someone who is never angry? Just…smothering? Too nice? Is that bad? I’ve never seen my guy get angry at anyone or anything. Sure, he has his stresses at school or work or funny stories to tell, but never anger. I can’t figure it out.

 

[Ray_Scheel]

(mostly him, but once in a while a woman is the abuser.)

I think the flip-flop is more common than we’d think, but the differing methods of abuse between the sexes make it harder to see for what it is from outside. However, I’d still agree that the males trend towards being the abuser most frequently.

Your list was scary familiar, after flipping the pronouns around

 

[Eliza10]

Do you still pray for your husbands/wives?

Most certainly yes. Its the only thing that makes it all make sense to me. God gave me him so I would pray him to salvation. I gladly do it out of obedience to God’s will. It is hard to do it out of feeling like it, as a difficult marraige was nothing compared to facing the lies he made up to divorce and try to get full custody. Its a lot to forgive! I can forgive the bad marraige, becaue of the broken person he was. But what I went through in the divorce, the threat of losing my son, was harder. The only consolation is that God was with me and I was defended. And I will forgive, and forgive, 70 X 7, or until my heart is all in it.

God calls me to pray for him. I pray to Mary to pray for him, with her heart of grace and perfect love. I pray that I can be more like her. That she will lead me in the direction so that i can be.

I was willing to pray for him our whole marriage, with him unrepentant till his deathbed, and me living with the angry hostile man all my life. God knows. But He surprised me by not calling me to do that.

Are there any stories on a spouse coming back and changing for good?

Let me know if you ever see one. I would like to read it! I honestly don’t think they exist. Not for a confirmed controller, abusor, narcissist-disordered person. A man who simply has bad, abusive behaviors, but has some measure of goodwill towards his wife - yes, he can be reformed. But a confirmed abusor? I never saw one or heard of one. It is very much like a pedophile. Never heard of one of those reformed, have you? Psychologists say, for all intents and purposes, they don’t reform. They say the same thing of real Narcissists (vs. someone with simply bad narcissistic behaviors) like the ones Liberanosamalo and I speak of. Psychologists say they virtually never change.

Possibly another confirmed Narcissist was Judas Iscariot. Even Our Lord Himself prayed and taught and loved and cried and desired with all His heart for him. But Judas did not want to change.

Yes, God can heal, but they have to want it. The person’s will must cooperate, God doesn’t violate the will. Narcissists don’t see anything wrong with themselves, so they won’t be wanting the healing.

If there were reform stories of men like my ex-husband, I would have found them,. I searched for years for any shred of hope, to feed my great hope. I read every healing story on marriage I could find. My favorite magazine column was, “Can This Marraige be Saved?”. I never laid eyes on a Ladies Home Journal that I did not pick up and read this column in. I loved the hope it gave me.

In my old Evangelical commnity, which I spoke of, I knew, in our circle,
a lovely single mother who lived on faith and hope like me. She was the only single mother I knew of in the large community. She raised her daughters on her own after her husband molested them and abvused her in some manner (don’t know if verbal or also physical), and got her divorce. But true to an Evangelcial ideal I perscribed to, she considered herself still married in God’s eyes. (I still hesitate with this one, and it will be a step for me to submit to the Church’s conclusions that I may never have, in God’s eyes, been married).

Recently I heard that she has reunited with her husband, now tha the children are grown. She had she had raised them on her own with no help, eaking out a living doing daycare, and being a part of a church community that held married couples in highest esteem. She just moved to some remote place - Alaska, I think - to be with him. (I bet ther is much wife abuse up there with all the privacy available up there). I am sure she will be wise enough not to expose her grandchildren to him alone.

I see there is great jubilation in that community because it is seen as proof of their beleif that God wants all marriages to work, and if you pray for what God wants, you get it. (But thats not true). But I must say, I have serious doubts this reunion will hold. I certainly hope there was a miracle, but I do think there was years of pressure to believe and to expect a miracle. (I remember reflecting on my situation and seeing that my actions had shown that I thought I had to do everything possible to make it easier for God to be able to do his awaited miracle).

I am confident God will reward her someday for faithfully doing what she thought was HIs will. But if its not His will, the actions are not going to bear fruit. IMO.

A very holy, truly Catholic priest told me that God never tells us to expect a miracle. But that’s what I did all those years.

…http://imagecache2.allposters.com/images/pic/TOP/BL275~Angeli-Musicante-Posters.jpg

 

[Eliza10]

I think the flip-flop is more common than we’d think, but the differing methods of abuse between the sexes make it harder to see for what it is from outside. However, I’d still agree that the males trend towards being the abuser most frequently.

Your list was scary familiar, after flipping the pronouns around

You will probably be stuck having to flip the pronouns around a lot when you read about abuse, then, because as you say, abuse is largely a male problem. But not exclusively. Dr. Irene, on her site (links above) has a section/article on wives abusing husband.

http://msfinearts.net/blog/files/minobus_blog092306angel.jpg

 

[Liberanosamalo]

I noticed in those lists a lot of references to anger. What if you are with someone who is never angry? Just…smothering? Too nice? Is that bad? I’ve never seen my guy get angry at anyone or anything. Sure, he has his stresses at school or work or funny stories to tell, but never anger. I can’t figure it out.

You either have someone with the patience of a saint, or you haven’t been around him long enough. Everyone gets angry. Some people turn their anger inward, which is depression. And some vent it on everyone.

Some of the attributes of an abuser could seem very benign at first… always asking you where you’ve been, who you’ve been with, checking car mileage, things like that. And they claim it’s concern for safety. But there could be something sinister behind the hovering and smothering. I’d look closer.

Visiting unexpectedly could seem romantic, or it could be a way to check up on you. Even if he expects you to meet all his needs with a smile on his face, it’s still controlling. Smile or no smile.

And excessive playfulness is one thing I forgot to put down. But the playfulness is painful to you. Like he pats you a little too hard on the head. When you say “Ow, that hurt!” he says “That didn’t hurt. I was just patting you.” It’s kind of a passive-aggressive way to give “affection” and hurt you, and at the same time negate your own feelings and tell you what you really felt. And I know this is a Catholic board and premarital sex is wrong, but if anyone is with someone and they have a “playful use of force” in sex or enjoy holding you down or find the idea of rape fantasies exciting, run in the other direction.

Someone could have very rigid sex rules and be “kind” about it.

The more people he meets in your life and the more feedback you get from others and the longer you watch him, the easier it would be to see beyond the facade, if there is one.

And your guy may be normal. He may not walk around angry all the time because a lot of angry people are that way because they think all their problems come from other people and they never accept their own responsibility. Yes, anger is valid. But we’re talking about the kind of personality that seems to thrive on anger and turns everything into you walking on eggshells. I called it “tiptoeing around in my own soul.”

 

[Liberanosamalo]

After my xh abandoned me the first time I prayed for him to see the light, to learn to love me again. I begged him to come home. I had three very small children. They needed him. I prayed. I went to daily Mass as usual. I couldn’t believe God did not want this marriage to work. After all, I had done everything right.

Three months after he moved out he hit me with divorce papers. And that continued for a month until he had to start paying alimony/child support. Then he talked about getting back together. But he still stayed gone. He continued to live elsewhere for eight more months. I’m sure there is a real story behind that which I was never told.

He’d come by and visit the kids. I’d bend over backward to be nice. I’d pray. But I felt during those eight months that he was dating others. Of course he denied it. But he wanted to know if I’d wait five or ten years for him to come back. I laughed in his face. He got angry. (Of course.)

Eventually he announced he was moving home. I cried. Not for joy. Nothing was fixed. I am sure some would think that was a victory for “marriage” or something. But no it wasn’t. He used that reconciliation to get me to move to another state far from my family. He never resumed marital relations. And when we moved, as soon as he could he filed divorce again. It was a plan.

He had planned it all out. His goal was to get full custody and abandon me far from my family. They lived nearby in the other state. So 9 years later I am still living far from my family. Despite his lies, I didn’t lose custody of the kids. But I have to stay here seven more years.

Do I pray for him? Yes. I pray for his conversion, and that God will prevent him from harming me and my children and keep us safe from him in whatever way is best for all our souls.

Do I forgive him? Honestly, no. I won’t be able to do that until he stops hurting me and my children. I still have to deal with him on almost a daily basis. I still endure his nasty comments and tirades and obscene gestures. I still watch as he is hurting my children emotionally and spiritually. And he is still gloating as he holds me prisoner down here. (Don’t suggest lawyers. Been there, done that. Don’t want to discuss the mess here. He has money to spend on that. If lawyers were any help I wouldn’t be here.)

Can you forgive someone who is actively still trying to destroy you?

I wrestle with that. And I cannot forgive him for the damage he did to my children and their childhoods, or the pain he caused my family for not being able to see more of their grandchildren.

I was personally glad to get a decree of nullity. I finally understood why this marriage didn’t work. I could stop blaming myself. I did everything right. I prayed for him before I met him, saved myself for him, married him staying a virgin till the wedding night. Never used ABC. Went to daily Mass. Stay at home mom. Three children in five years. Followed him all over the world for his job. Never spent too much. What more could I have done?

Well, I guess we didn’t have the Grace of the Sacrament. And with his horrible behavior, there is no way the union could have lasted without the graces from the sacrament. I was on my own trying to make something out of nothing. He was completely incapable of marriage and unity with anyone else. He was a narcissist. He only needed himself.

Eliza, you may find a lot of peace in filling out that paperwork.

And that kind is impossible to cure. Read “The Batterer” to see how deeply ingrained that is. They are conditioned by neglect or abandonment or other issues in the first three years of their lives. It’s like an IED buried in the road. It explodes when we unwittingly step on it years later. They are truly ticking time bombs. Mine could still end up on the front page of the paper. No one would be surprised.

His own mother is finally leaving him. Now she hates him too. He’s an only child. Of course he blames all his life problems on her. But he didn’t blame her 8 years ago when she consented to move down here and help take my kids away from me. But now the kids are older and he doesn’t need her, so she’s out the door.

 

[Eliza10]

I noticed in those lists a lot of references to anger. What if you are with someone who is never angry? Just…smothering? Too nice? Is that bad? I’ve never seen my guy get angry at anyone or anything. Sure, he has his stresses at school or work or funny stories to tell, but never anger. I can’t figure it out.

Well, you are 10 months away from marriage! Congratualtions!

If he does not have an anger problem, for example when he gets angry it makes sense to you, thats a good sign. Paticlarly if you spend enough time aroudn him to see him in various situations.

As far as smothering, girlfriend-wisdom is something to consider. Would your girlfriends/mother/sisters see the behavior as excessive? If its unanimously yes, then it could be a problem.

Pray for wisdom on it and be truly open to hear God’s answer. Entrust it to Our Lady, or St. Joseph, or to The Holy Family. Pray a novena to be alerted if there is a problem you should see that should be addressed. Ask if there is a problem you are missing with your love-blind eyes that you shouldn’t miss, that He would magnify it for you, so you will see it. He will answer. Once you clearly ask, you can let it go, and trust Him to show you if there is something.

http://www.jacksonsauction.com/Jun03_catalog/ArtistList_JPEGs/DSCF0515.jpg

 

[Eliza10]

…Do I pray for him? Yes. I pray for his conversion, and that God will prevent him from harming me and my children and keep us safe from him in whatever way is best for all our souls.

Do I forgive him? Honestly, no. I won’t be able to do that until he stops hurting me and my children. I still have to deal with him on almost a daily basis. I still endure his nasty comments and tirades and obscene gestures. I still watch as he is hurting my children emotionally and spiritually. And he is still gloating as he holds me prisoner down here. (Don’t suggest lawyers. Been there, done that. Don’t want to discuss the mess here. He has money to spend on that. If lawyers were any help I wouldn’t be here.)

Can you forgive someone who is actively still trying to destroy you?

I wrestle with that. And I cannot forgive him for the damage he did to my children and their childhoods, or the pain he caused my family for not being able to see more of their grandchildren. .

Wow, you have been through so much. It as harder with three children, for certin, but more grace-filled.

Yes, the lawyers do anything for those who have plenty of money to spend. It is all very wrong.

As far as “not-forgivng”, when I have taken these feelings to good Priests, they have never faulted me for my feelings. Only told me to pray for him.

I desire to desire to feel forgiveness more than I do. I ask God for the grace to. And meanwile I forgive best I can, and pray best I can.

I think, as you say, actively forgiving someone who is still trying to make your life miserable is very hard. I think you can only forgive moment to moment. I limit contact and words exchanged so I can have less to forgive.

Having your children threatened or hurt really is the hardest thing to forgive.

I read of one mother whose beloved daughter was tortured, raped, and killed. She forgave this man. That was moving. I guess she is one of those beacons of light God gives us to show us the way.

Also to forgive some things is impossible, but its Gods will that we forgive, and He gives the grace to do His will, making all things possible. I think forgivemess is an act of will, and I am not going to try to manage my feelings on the matter, except to see them as evidence that I am not done with my 70 X 7.

…I was personally glad to get a decree of nullity. I finally understood why this marriage didn’t work. I could stop blaming myself. I did everything right. I prayed for him before I met him, saved myself for him, married him staying a virgin till the wedding night. Never used ABC. Went to daily Mass. Stay at home mom. Three children in five years. Followed him all over the world for his job. Never spent too much. What more could I have done? .

…Well, I guess we didn’t have the Grace of the Sacrament. And with his horrible behavior, there is no way the union could have lasted without the graces from the sacrament. I was on my own trying to make something out of nothing. He was completely incapable of marriage and unity with anyone else. He was a narcissist. He only needed himself. .

Ditto here for all of the above. The wise and holy priest I talked this over with said I had been trying to make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear all those years.

…And that kind is impossible to cure. Read “The Batterer” to see how deeply ingrained that is. They are conditioned by neglect or abandonment or other issues in the first three years of their lives. It’s like an IED buried in the road. It explodes when we unwittingly step on it years later. They are truly ticking time bombs. Mine could still end up on the front page of the paper. No one would be surprised. .

?] “The Batterer” is in one of those articles I linked, or is it a book, or one of your posts??

But I am sure a batterer is one of those pretty much impossible cases.

As far as the paper, I saw my husband as having comonality with those Psychopathic Narcissists (who kill). But I am not afraid of him killing; he is not a psychopathic Narcissit. I credit that with people that were in his life that had some capacity to love in spite of disfunctionalality. (his mother, a grandparent).

I often think that when we pray for “those in most need of Thy mercy”, we are praying for a lot of Narcissists!

…Eliza, you may find a lot of peace in filling out that paperwork…

Yes, I think this is something I must do. I will write you when I finally do. Now there are so many practical day-to-day things to take care of. And I guess I am not ready, still processing, as, in the time I have written on this thread, I could have made some progress on that!

 

[Liberanosamalo]

“The Batterer” is by Donald G. Dutton, PhD. It’s a book. A psychological profile of the batterer.

My xh has recently been making comments to his elderly mother with a heart condition that he “should have shot her years ago.” She is getting to be afraid. My oldest has told her she thinks she should move out sooner rather than later.

Yeah, he’s a gun nut. And he likes to hunt. Once shot the eye out of a bunny in our backyard. That’s another thing about batterers. They’re sometimes (no, often) cruel to children and animals.

But when I was dating him, I didn’t see him around children (whom he’s kind of nice to) or animals.

I just put all this out here, not to hemorrage my emotions all over the board, but if I could educate one person to get out of this, my experience wouldn’t have been in vain.

And for those who know someone in an abusive relationship, I’m all for you PMing me for hints on how NOT to advise them to get out. My family unwittingly did not help during this time, because this was something entirely new for them. There are ways to point out the obvious that don’t drive the horse back into the burning barn…

 

[Eliza10]

Liberanosamalo, You found us a slogan - I found a theme song!

Here it is; its a hoot:

cosmos.bcst.yahoo.com/ver/223/popup/index.php?cl=3400917

 

[Liberanosamalo]

Eliza, that IS a hoot!

Their presentation is how I find myself viewing life. Usually when I talk about xh to people they stand there and laugh. I’ve learned to tell the story as a comedy.

I tell people “our song” was “Send in the Clowns.” I used to hum it and sing the lyrics when xh was being unreasonable and demanding to know why I refused to “make up with him.” He’d tell me I was crazy as I looked at him and sang “Isn’t it rich. Are we a pair. Me here at last on the ground, you in mid-air…”

He’d stalk out and I’d sing “… there ought to be clowns… don’t bother… they’re here.”

He never did appreciate my sense of humor.

Oh… abusers… another clue. They can never laugh at themselves. All their humor is at everyone else’s expense. But if you make a joke about them, they get very huffy and offended.



A sign you are being abused… you lose your sense of humor. People start telling you you’ve lost your sense of humor.

 

[Eliza10]

Eliza, that IS a hoot!

… Usually when I talk about xh to people they stand there and laugh. I’ve learned to tell the story as a comedy.

I tell people “our song” was “Send in the Clowns.” I used to hum it and sing the lyrics when xh was being unreasonable and demanding to know why I refused to “make up with him.” He’d tell me I was crazy as I looked at him and sang “Isn’t it rich. Are we a pair. Me here at last on the ground, you in mid-air…”

He’d stalk out and I’d sing “… there ought to be clowns… don’t bother… they’re here.”

He never did appreciate my sense of humor.

Oh… abusers… another clue. They can never laugh at themselves. All their humor is at everyone else’s expense. But if you make a joke about them, they get very huffy and offended.



A sign you are being abused… you lose your sense of humor. People start telling you you’ve lost your sense of humor.

Yes, my sense of humor sort of left after marraige. Now I seek opportunities to laugh (like watching Funny Videos with my son), because I feel I have to make up for lost time.

Yes, it helps to have sense of humor about such a terrible thing. It chases it out, I think. “Send in the clouds” was a good coping mechansim for you and made you feel better, helped you cope with the stress, which you badly needed, and got him off your back. I was reading on Dr.Irene last night and I am reminded what a hard time that was and how much better it is now.

Yes, I noticed the humor too. Could* never* make light of himself, and his jokes were always at others’ expenses. It all made me more serious and less humorous.

Oh, he also had this other humor method, it was a “poor me” kind of humor, with a vein that went something like, “With my luck…” [and I hated the talk of his bad “luck” all the time; to me it discounted God’s Providence, and also it was being ungrateful for all the good things God had given us] “…something [ridiculous] will happen” - and the point of that ridicuous thing is that it would prove that everybody is out to get him, or, were doing things just to really bother him.

http://www.jacksonsauction.com/Sep03_catalog/SEP03CC_paintings/DSCF4012.jpg

 

[DebChris]

Do you still pray for your husbands/wives?

Are there any stories on a spouse coming back and changing for good?

I pray for my husband every day. When I pray the rosary, I consecrate my daughter, her husband, her father, and her children (by name) plus each member of my family, my brothers, my sisters, and my in-laws to the Immaculate Heart of Mary.

There was a point in time when I did not pray for him. I had read Jeremiah where God says “do not pray for ( ). I will not listen.” At that time it was important that I not pray for him because doing so actually put the focus on my personal situation. I needed emotional distance. It was important that I begin praying for others and not for myself.

There are two scripture passages that are helpful. The first is from Corinthians. “Wife, how do you know that you will not save your husband?” Regardless of what he may have done in the past, it is important that I remain faithful to the covenant. When on retreat, I was given the book of Hosea to read.

The other helpful passage comes from the O.T.
“Like a maiden married in youth and then cast out, the Lord your God, your Maker will become your husband.”

 

[ElizabethAnne]

What a blessing that God gave you a normal married life! It must please your mother so much to see you have that.

Thank you, Eliza, for saying that. I had never thought about my mom viewing my marriage that way, but I’m sure that she does.

 

[ElizabethAnne]

But we’re talking about the kind of personality that seems to thrive on anger and turns everything into you walking on eggshells. I called it “tiptoeing around in my own soul.”

That’s great, Liberanosamalo!

Oh… abusers… another clue. They can never laugh at themselves. All their humor is at everyone else’s expense. But if you make a joke about them, they get very huffy and offended.

Yep, that’s my dad.

A sign you are being abused… you lose your sense of humor. People start telling you you’ve lost your sense of humor.

You know, that’s my mom, and I never realized why people would tell her all the time that she didn’t “get” jokes. She used to talk about that all the time.

Hope that my children will have a better life. And I too worry that they will not be able to recognize “normal.” And they will gravitate toward the kind of man who treats them with disrespect.

I don’t know if it will help you, but my personal experience has been that I was very much turned off by behavior like my dad’s. I could easily recognize that it was wrong because I saw first-hand how destructive it was.

The problem I had was that I didn’t know what to look for in a potential date. I knew some behaviors to avoid, but I had no criteria for figuring out what was good.

God’s grace is what saved me. He quickly ended relationships which were doomed for failure, lead me to my campus Catholic Center where I met good, godly men, and the rest is history. Really, just having great examples of Christian men was life-changing. I had male friends for the first time in my life, and I knew that they would never try to take advantage of me. I felt safe around them.

 

[hasikelee]

Well, you are 10 months away from marriage! Congratualtions!

If he does not have an anger problem, for example when he gets angry it makes sense to you, thats a good sign. Paticlarly if you spend enough time aroudn him to see him in various situations.

As far as smothering, girlfriend-wisdom is something to consider. Would your girlfriends/mother/sisters see the behavior as excessive? If its unanimously yes, then it could be a problem.

Pray for wisdom on it and be truly open to hear God’s answer. Entrust it to Our Lady, or St. Joseph, or to The Holy Family. Pray a novena to be alerted if there is a problem you should see that should be addressed. Ask if there is a problem you are missing with your love-blind eyes that you shouldn’t miss, that He would magnify it for you, so you will see it. He will answer. Once you clearly ask, you can let it go, and trust Him to show you if there is something.

Well I find that everyone I know thinks he is amazing, including my family, my mom, my sister, my friends, etc.

He does handle anger very well, in fact I think it is his biggest virtue in that dept.

Sometimes I get a weird feeling as if it’s too good to be true.

But we’ve been friends since junior high and dating for 5 years so I have seen him in lots of situations with lots of people.

Maybe I am the one with something unresolved?

 

[dulcissima]

I was just wondering if anyone else out there has been dealing with a forced separation from there spouse? My wife left me about eight years ago. She just didn’t want to be married anymore. She’s since left the church and moved on. We have a good relationship as far as communication with the kids and all. I just have periods when it gets hard. Just wondering if anyone else was dealing with the same thing?

I take it that you are looking for support from others who are living in marriages that involve long-term separations but not divorce? I have seen a few posters in that situation. I would imagine it must be pretty difficult. I have had a couple of aunts that were in marriages like that, where once they got to be a little older, in their 50’s, things had finally settled down to the point where they were able to continue living with their husbands and are actually pretty happy now. So, while it must be very difficult, the way that you are having to live, there can be some hope. If you believe that you are in a valid marriage, I would not give up your hope or your prayers.

 

[sacredcello]

“The Batterer” is by Donald G. Dutton, PhD. It’s a book. A psychological profile of the batterer.

My xh has recently been making comments to his elderly mother with a heart condition that he “should have shot her years ago.” She is getting to be afraid. My oldest has told her she thinks she should move out sooner rather than later.

Yeah, he’s a gun nut. And he likes to hunt. Once shot the eye out of a bunny in our backyard. That’s another thing about batterers. They’re sometimes (no, often) cruel to children and animals.

But when I was dating him, I didn’t see him around children (whom he’s kind of nice to) or animals.

I just put all this out here, not to hemorrage my emotions all over the board, but if I could educate one person to get out of this, my experience wouldn’t have been in vain.

And for those who know someone in an abusive relationship, I’m all for you PMing me for hints on how NOT to advise them to get out. My family unwittingly did not help during this time, because this was something entirely new for them. There are ways to point out the obvious that don’t drive the horse back into the burning barn…

Thank you, Lieberanosamalo for your long list of warning signs. I recognize many of them in my ex-husband.

If he had owned a gun, I’m not sure whether I would be alive to tell about it.

My marriage was also annulled, but I have often wondered whether there wasn’t something else I could have done to help him. Now that you have shared your story about being a faithful Catholic every step of the way, I realize that my marriage was not a sacrament because he had no intention of making the necessary changes within himself in order to keep his vows. Our Catholic marriage counselor told us that we would be happy in 20 years if we worked on the marriage, but he was not willing. He walked out, and there was nothing I could do to stop him.

Now, of course, I realize how merciful God is not requiring me to be submitted to such misery. That is only after years of being alone that I recognize His mercy.