Separation and Intimacy

[brent68]

My wife and I have had some very difficult times, and we’ve tried to work things out. Long story short, she wants me to move out, and wants to get a dissolution. I am still currently living in the house, but not in the same bed with her.

Given all that, and that she no longer wants to be married to me, what is the morality of being sexually intimate with her? Its all very confusing to me (and to her because I’m confused).

Any advice/thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

 

[Xantippe]

If she got pregnant, what would happen to the baby?

That would be my primary concern about the situation.

 

[brent68]

If she got pregnant, what would happen to the baby?

That would be my primary concern about the situation.

It’s not really a big concern. She had a tubal ligation years ago.

 

[Anglewannabe]

Given all that, and that she no longer wants to be married to me, what is the morality of being sexually intimate with her? Its all very confusing to me (and to her because I’m confused).

If you are saying your wife wants you to move out but come back every now and then to be sexually intimate with her, well of course you are confused. That is a total contradiction.

Unless it was for sound medical reasons, a tubal litigation is a sin

 

[anonymous_in_fl]

If you both have the understanding you are separated, there should be no intimate contact of any kind---- it will just muddy the water, so to speak.

Don’t do it.

 

[brent68]

If you are saying your wife wants you to move out but come back every now and then to be sexually intimate with her, well of course you are confused. That is a total contradiction.

Unless it was for sound medical reasons, a tubal litigation is a sin

I don’t know about the coming back after I’ve moved out part, that’s pretty much out of the question in my mind. But I agree that it’s a contradiction, probably why I’m confused.

I don’t really want the separation, and I still love her, but there are a ton of communication and other issues that we haven’t been able to work out.

As for the tubal ligation, her doctor strongly recommended that she not have any more children after our third. We made the decision jointly. I know it’s against Church teaching, and a couple times in the past I’ve had some nagging doubts about my decision, but in general I think it was probably the best move.

 

[brent68]

If you both have the understanding you are separated, there should be no intimate contact of any kind---- it will just muddy the water, so to speak.

Don’t do it.

Thanks, that definitely makes a lot of sense. I guess the confusion is that I don’t really want it to be this way, and I want things to be right between us, and that includes intimacy.

 

[cradlecatholic5]

Sorry you’re going through this … there is help, if wanted.

Have you talked to her about any type of counseling?

Retrouvaille is a Catholic -based marriage ministry that helps hurting marriages.

You don’t need to be Catholic to go on a weekend. HELPS all couples.

Saved my marriage. My husband and I are on the board and continue to grow in our marriage and help others.

GOGGLE it!

 

[Anglewannabe]

I don’t know about the coming back after I’ve moved out part, that’s pretty much out of the question in my mind. But I agree that it’s a contradiction, probably why I’m confused…

If it is a case she made it clear she does not want intimacy with you then it is clear. There is to be no more intimacy

 

[Anglewannabe]

Thanks, that definitely makes a lot of sense. I guess the confusion is that I don’t really want it to be this way, and I want things to be right between us, and that includes intimacy.

It is normal for a man to want intimacy to be right with his wife. However, when a woman is at the point she is asking her husband to move out, and he is still asking for intimacy, you are just fueling her fire to be angry with you.

Now, please see this as me pointing out one way you can change to have better communication

I have no idea what you are asking in your post because you have been very unclear. Are you saying you still want intimacy and she doesn’t? Or are you saying she still wants the intimacy.

The reason I point this out is because if you are unclear, then of course the communication is not going to be good. As a woman, I can totally see your wife’s frustration. Try working on becoming clearer and that may help your marriage.

 

[brent68]

Sorry you’re going through this … there is help, if wanted.

Have you talked to her about any type of counseling?

Retrouvaille is a Catholic -based marriage ministry that helps hurting marriages.

You don’t need to be Catholic to go on a weekend. HELPS all couples.

Saved my marriage. My husband and I are on the board and continue to grow in our marriage and help others.

GOGGLE it!

We’ve been in couples counseling before, and individually we’ve both been in counseling (I am currently, trying to work on communication issues). We were involved in WWME for a few years. We haven’t done Retrouvaille,but I am somewhat familiar with it. At this point she I’m sure she isn’t interested in it.

 

[brent68]

It is normal for a man to want intimacy to be right with his wife. However, when a woman is at the point she is asking her husband to move out, and he is still asking for intimacy, you are just fueling her fire to be angry with you.

Now, please see this as me pointing out one way you can change to have better communication

I have no idea what you are asking in your post because you have been very unclear. Are you saying you still want intimacy and she doesn’t? Or are you saying she still wants the intimacy.

The reason I point this out is because if you are unclear, then of course the communication is not going to be good. As a woman, I can totally see your wife’s frustration. Try working on becoming clearer and that may help your marriage.

Sorry if I’ve been unclear. I haven’t been asking for sex, but I do still want intimacy from her (physical closeness etc). On her side, I believe she still wants sex, but only if I truly want it (I’m not a typical guy in that I don’t usually initiate things). But it’s difficult for me to want sex because of the situation.

 

[MJJean]

Is it possible she still wants to have sex because she is trying to hold on to the marriage and hoping sex will make things right? If so, I say don’t move out and keep trying. Sex by itself won’t make things right, but it can be used to promote bonding and to keep you both trying.

 

[tafan]

Separation? Not divorce? You want to work things out and be normal. It sure seems to me like intimacy might just be one way to help get things back on the right track. I see nothing wrong with that being one of the approaches. It actually seems like it would be a very good thing. Sex is good for a marriage.

 

[brent68]

Separation? Not divorce? You want to work things out and be normal. It sure seems to me like intimacy might just be one way to help get things back on the right track. I see nothing wrong with that being one of the approaches. It actually seems like it would be a very good thing. Sex is good for a marriage.

She wants a divorce (dissolution).

 

[tafan]

She wants a divorce (dissolution).

Sorry, should have read the OP a little more closely. Still, it seems to me that as long as you are still living there, you want to save the marriage, and your wife is willing; its worth a shot. Go do some things to have fun together. Go to a movie, go out to dinner, whatever you used to like, and yes: have marital relations. Start enjoying being together again. Then tackle the other communications problems. Just a thought.
Oh, most important and not matter what, be kind to each other.

 

[KatieM2]

As for the tubal ligation, her doctor strongly recommended that she not have any more children after our third. We made the decision jointly. I know it’s against Church teaching, and a couple times in the past I’ve had some nagging doubts about my decision, but in general I think it was probably the best move.

She is unable to conceive a child, therefore it would be sinful for you to release your seed into her.

Even if you were intending to remain together, intercourse would therefore be sinful.

 

[Royalist]

She is unable to conceive a child, therefore it would be sinful for you to release your seed into her.

Even if you were intending to remain together, intercourse would therefore be sinful.

This is not what the Church teaches.

As to whether OP should have sex with his wife… I don’t see any reason why not. She’s his wife. It certainly wouldn’t be immoral, though maybe there is an argument why it might not be prudent, given the circumstances.

What would definitely not be prudent is moving out of the marital home. Not only does that contribute to the breakup of the marriage, but OP needs to protect himself and his family financially. If she wants to separate so badly, let her be the one to move out, and take the eventual legal consequences. OP, if you don’t believe me on this, talk to a lawyer.

 

[tafan]

She is unable to conceive a child, therefore it would be sinful for you to release your seed into her.

Even if you were intending to remain together, intercourse would therefore be sinful.

This is really bad information. I would hope everyone knows to ignore it.

 

[Corki]

My wife and I have had some very difficult times, and we’ve tried to work things out. Long story short, she wants me to move out, and wants to get a dissolution. I am still currently living in the house, but not in the same bed with her.

Given all that, and that she no longer wants to be married to me, what is the morality of being sexually intimate with her? Its all very confusing to me (and to her because I’m confused).

Any advice/thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

Psychologically, there are many reasons why contenting an intimate relationship might not be prudent. But morally, she is your wife even if she seeks a civil divorce. There is nothing immoral about having intimate relations with your wife.