Separation- did I do the right thing?

[exiled1]

Marriage has been tough all along. DH has great qualities, but his mean/self-centered streak has always been there and has had a negative impact on our intimate life, both emotional and physical. There always seems to be a battle of one kind or another.
His drinking in recent years has increased, and while he is perfectly functional, I think it contributes tremendously to his unpredictable moods.
Anyway, last year (Autumn 2016) we reached a new low. He developed a relationship with a gal from work. He lied to me about who he was with and where he was for some months before it was all discovered. Like most men, he insists it wasn’t sexual.
Anyway, he was told that it had to stop for us to keep fighting for our marriage, and he agreed to do so.
Just this past month I discovered that he had either resumed his friendship/relationship with her, or he never stopped. He opened new email accounts in order to download apps to talk to her and hide it from me. Assorted other evidence exists, but I did get the admission from him once I confronted him.
Anyway, I decided to leave. I don’t want a divorce, I seek only to kick him in the pants and wake him up to the damage he is doing. My adult children (we still have 5 in the home) are aware of what has happened and were in full support.
I got the blessing from my spiritual director, and other priests who know us personally. Why do I still feel scared and unsure? Why do I still feel like I’m the one causing the damage to my family?
Courage is definitely not one of my virtues, and standing up for myself is not one of my greatest strengths.
Any words of wisdom or encouragement?

 

[Xanthippe_Voorhees]

ad to stop for us to keep fighting for our marriage, and he agreed to do so.

Just this past month I discovered that he had either resumed his friendship/relationship with her, or he never stopped. He opened new email accounts in order to download apps to talk to her and hide it from me. Assorted other evidence exists, but I did get the admission from him once I confronted him.

Anyway, I decided to leave. I don’t want a divorce, I seek only to kick him in the pants and wake him up to the damage he is doing. My adult children (we still have 5 in the home) are aware of what has happened and were in full support.

I got the blessing from my spiritual director, and other priests who know us personally. Why do I still feel scared and unsure? Why do I still feel like I’m the one causing the damage to my family?

Courage is definitely not one of my virtues, and standing up for myself is not one of my greatest strengths.

Any words of wisdom or encouragement?

Given the risk of STD’s today and that you cannot trust that he took no further steps than friendship, you are in the right.

You also have a duty to protect your children from mistreatment, including viewing mistreatment of their own mother.

 

[Trishie]

It’s natural that you feel uncertain and troubled.
You have been married for many years, inferred from the fact that your children are adult.
It was a huge decision to make.
Your husband may have been in the same house but he had already left you jin spirit so it wasn’t you who took the first step.

Your aim is to wake up your husband, to shock him into reconsidering his attitude to you and his marriage. If that occurs and your husband undertakeswith God’s grace (and counseling?) to rebuild your marital relationship with you, and also to resolve drinking issues, then you will have succeeded in your aim.

It seemed that no improvement was going to happen (or any time soon) while you remained together under the same roof, having no choice but to accept his behaviour and infidelity…whether physical or not, it seems to effectively be infidelity.

You made a hard decision with the guidance of your spiritual advisor, but humanly, of course you are afraid, confused, and self-doubting.
May God bless you and your husband, and your adult children.
May God’s grace flood into each of your family

 

[Theo520]

Sounds like you’ve talked this through with quite a few people, so you aren’t being rash.

I don’t think you can avoid the emotions and uncertainty you are feeling.

 

[exiled1]

Well, we left a week ago, and so far nothing from my husband that resembles sadness that we are gone, or desire to do what needs to be done to reunite the family.
After ‘strongly advising’ me to come home, he tore me apart to our two older daughters. The next day he told our teen boys that this was all his fault and none of it was mine fault. (I do think he changes what he says based on his audience).
He texts me ‘goodnight’ each night, but I do not respond.
My seminarian son, who is such a good, solid and faithful man (and being guided by his own spiritual director) has said that we have to force my husband into self-examination, because he’s not going to do it otherwise. Being left alone with only God and his own thoughts, perhaps my husband will get it together.
I am stunned that he hasn’t said or done something that expresses concern for our littlest ones and how they might be handling this.

 

[Xanthippe_Voorhees]

Well, we left a week ago, and so far nothing from my husband that resembles sadness that we are gone, or desire to do what needs to be done to reunite the family.
After ‘strongly advising’ me to come home, he tore me apart to our two older daughters. The next day he told our teen boys that this was all his fault and none of it was mine fault. (I do think he changes what he says based on his audience).
He texts me ‘goodnight’ each night, but I do not respond.
My seminarian son, who is such a good, solid and faithful man (and being guided by his own spiritual director) has said that we have to force my husband into self-examination, because he’s not going to do it otherwise. Being left alone with only God and his own thoughts, perhaps my husband will get it together.
I am stunned that he hasn’t said or done something that expresses concern for our littlest ones and how they might be handling this.

This update is quite concerning. Keep staying strong. Get your children into counseling…the fact that he’s trying to bash you to your adult children makes me question if he’s not beyond doing that to the younger ones.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

You did the right thing. Cheating is a serious matter, but lying about it, continuing the behavior secretly, and still thinking he can order you to come home and trashing you to the kids takes it to a new low.