Separation/divorce question

[EvelynEVF]

I am currently separated from an abusive husband. I have no desire to compound my children’s distress and confusion by ending my career as a full-time homeschooling mom. If I divorce, I would be at the mercy of a judge, who would in all likelihood send me back to work.

I do not think my husband will himself file for divorce.

Does the Church have anything to say along the lines of “Fish or cut bait!” ? I am not willing to live as this man’s wife, but I do not want to divorce until my children are at least a few years older.

Do I have an obligation to him in the eyes of the church, if we remain married?

 

[graceandglory]

Dearest Evelyn,

My heart goes out to you.

My heart grieves for you as I have been where you are.

Is your husband willing to support you to continue to stay at home and home school?

Are you willing to live a chaste and celibate life in front of your children?

I suppose that would be the best choice and totally faithful to the scriptures.

"A wife is not to depart from her husband but if she does, let her remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband."

My celibacy is going on 8 yrs.

The loneliness can be unbearable when the kids are with their dad. I get plenty busy, but I won’t deny my loneliness.

My kids’ dad was all gung-ho about my great homeschooling and what great kids we were turning out when he was getting the kudos, but when the “marriage” ended, I was forced to go back to work.

Every case is different, but the laws of the land remain the same. Usually divorce throws women and children into the poverty level, while the standard of living for the divorced men rises substantially, thanks to our laws. Depends on where you live too. More liberal states have more liberal divorce laws.

I don’t know what you would need to do to continue to homeschool. I was able to homeschool for one calendar year as a single mom., then was back to full time work.

All my best to you.

 

[graceandglory]

I am currently separated from an abusive husband.
…
…
Do I have an obligation to him in the eyes of the church, if we remain married?

I know that at the heart of marriage and annulments in our Church is the Church’s desire for all to be converted and come to repentance. If a separation is needed for your abusive husband to “hit bottom” and come to his senses and get treatment for his abuse, it would be the Church’s desire that a couple seeks to be reconciled.

Abuse is a sin. But it doesn’t invalidate a sacrament. Sometimes a couple might need to live separately, and for the marital “goods” to be withheld, so that a person comes to desire spiritual healing. Abuse is not the unpardonable sin. If our church allows folks who have been abusive to be annulled and to seek a second marriage in the Church, then abusers can stop the abuse.

I’ve heard good to great things about
Retrouvaille for healing broken marriages. The abuse would need to be treated on its own.

www.retrouvaille.org

 

[1ke]

Yes, the Church does teach that you can physically separate from your abusive husband:

2383 The *separation *of spouses while maintaining the marriage bond can be legitimate in certain cases provided for by canon law.

If civil divorce remains the only possible way of ensuring certain legal rights, the care of the children, or the protection of inheritance, it can be tolerated and does not constitute a moral offense.

See canon law also.

 

[joandarc2008]

Have faith. If you feel you can reconcile the marriage reconcile. If you can’t get away from him. Probably the best advice I heard from a deacon who dealt with an abusive situation was, “Would you want one of your children to stay in a marriage such as this?” If you do divorce you can TRY for the annullment. God’s will has a funny way of working. Talk to your priest or deacon there are many things we as lay people online and anonymously can’t help you with.

God bless,

P.S.- There are some great charities that offer free domestic violence counseling for women and children.