Separation Drama

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doniker

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I have posted here in the past but here is a brief history:

My wife and I (today both age 55) met in a bar in 1994. She got pregnant with our daughter and she was born in 1996. My wife and I married (not in church) in 1997. My wife and I drank alcoholically throughout the marriage - in 2016 I got sober and joined AA. She continues to drink. In 2017 I got back into the Catholic Church and made my confirmation; in October 2017 my wife (who is Catholic) and I got remarried in the Catholic Church.
Less than a year later my wife decides she no longer wants to be married to a sober man, so she files for legal separation, rents a house and moves out in September 2018.

Over the last 6 months we have had little contact; we only talk via email or text if it has something to do with money, taxes, etc. I found out that my wife started dating. I had a woman asked me out be I declined because I feel that since I am still married in the eyes of God it would be a sin.
Over the last few days my wife and I have been talking - she wants to be “friends” but I told her I couldn’t be friends knowing she is dating and possibly getting drunk and sleeping with men.

She has indicted that she would be willing to maybe try to work things out someday and reconcile the marriage but we are a long way from that.
Meanwhile I am driving myself nuts with anxiety of my wife dating and/or being intimate with other men. I know she isn’t doing it to hurt me - she is looking for love & attention - what I failed to provide.
I will admit that I had a part in her leaving - I wasn’t giving her the love and attention she desired because I was resentful because she was still drinking. She felt I would do anything for my AA friends but gave her the cold shoulder.

i just wish I could get past this pain of her with other men - I have no control - that is what hurts.

Thanks for any (name removed by moderator)ut.
 
There’s a lot to unpack here, probably more than the forum can handle, really. Sorry you’re going through all that.

You mentioned your wife might be open to working stuff out. Any chance she’d be open to marriage counseling?
 
Counselling would be tough. She doesn’t feel she has a drinking problem even though many people tell her she does. Not sure if she would agree to counselling
 
Could even 1-on-1 counseling for you be possible? That could be very helpful
 
Yes, counseling even just for you would be helpful. You can discuss options, learn skills and sort out what you want to do, and what you are willing to do for things to work out or not. You will learn what you can accept and what is a deal breaker.

Ask your wife if she will consider counseling. If she refuses that speaks for itself. Go alone and see what you will learn.
 
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Doniker,

Try Alanon. You’ll meet very supportive people who are facing the same situation you are. It saved my sanity!
 
I agree with stuartbrianhenlis that you need an Alanon-type support group.
The real issue here isn’t that your wife is turning to other men, it’s that you kicked your habit and she didn’t.
Realistically it’s extremely hard for a sober person to keep up a loving and non-co-dependent relationship with someone who is not sober. Your wife is ill, and it’s not a case of you not giving her enough love and attention, etc.

Please find a support group. Your own sobriety at this point is paramount and needs to come before the relationship or anything else.
 
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TheLittleLady said:
One word: Retrouvaille.

Find the nearest weekend and go with your wife.
Click to expand...
ISTM that his wife sobering up would be a prerequisite to any successful reconciliation.

I agree with Tis_Bearself… you need help, more than we can give here.

The best we can do is offer our prayers for your situation.
 
In October 2017 when you two got married in the Church, was she drinking then? Did the priest who married you know that? Did you two do some kind of marriage prep before you got your marriage blessed?
Is there any kind of resort to annulment for folks who are addicts / alcoholics at the time of the marriage? Or after?
I wish there was a good answer for you. Good luck - - saying a prayer for you. Maybe your marriage can at least be a cautionary tale for others.
 
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