Serious delimma

[Elizabeth1986]

I’m not sure where to start. I have a serious delimma that has been hanging over me years. I am a 27 year old irish woman who was raised Roman Catholic. My entire family go to mass every week and have a lot of faith. My great grand father is a priest. I fell in love and got married when I was 20, I had our first and only child when I was 25. My husband left when our son was 4 months old, 2 days before Christmas. It was very out of the blue and a huge shock for me. I continued bringing my son to mass alone every week for the next year and had great faith and recieved comfort from that faith.

I got myself back on my feet, proceeded with a divorce when I accepted there was no chance of a reconciliation, which I am now in the middle of. I’m not sure how it is in other places but here in Ireland its takign a few years to finalize. Anyway, I really got back on my feet, I am workign in mental health and doing a second degree in order to become a therapist part time and my son is two years old. I am very happy. I have met a wonderful man and we plan to get engaged soon.

My issue is that since realising that I am classed as an adultress in the eyes of the church my faith is gone. I feel I have done nothing wrong, my husband left me with a new born baby to fend for myself. Eventually I fell in love again and I am not sorry for that. But knowing I cannot recieve the sacraments no more makes me feel isolated from the church and it makes me feel that I am a bad person when I know I am not, so I avoid it.

There’s lots of things I don’t agree with. I am a liberal woman and am of the idea to live and let live. I am a modern woman and I want my son to always feel loved and accepted whether he is straight or gay, religious or non religious. I have goo dmorals but do not agree with a lot of teachings.

My now partner is an athiest and has no interest nor belief in religion. He knows it is/was important to me and has agreed to allow me to raise any children we have together Catholic as long as he i snot expected to go to church. I will raise them catholic but I will also tell them that there is no right religion and no wrong religion. Different people believe in different things and any way you wish to worship God is a good thing.

My problem is that I just cannot bring myself to go back to Church even though I want to because I feel I am being a hypcrit. I spoke to my great uncle who is the priest and he told me never to stop takign communion. But I feel like a fraud. I want to tae my son to church. But how can I do that with a clean conscience while in my heading not being able to answer the questions he will surely ask when he is older.

I just don’t know where to start to get back on track. And although I want to, I cannot bring myself to be sorry for meeting this wonderful man who wants to take care of my son and I, I just cannot confess.

 

[Abundant]

You have not re-married the new man, correct? If not, you are not barred from receiving communion because until your annulment occurs you are still validly married.

Now, if you are co-habiting or sleeping with this second man, that is different and it is something that you need to work through with him, a priest and yourself. After all that you have been through, if this man really loves you, then he should be willing to ‘wait’ for you to get your marriage annulled. And honestly, you deserve better and should demand better for yourself and your son.

The doubt that you are experiencing is normal considering all that you have been through. The fact that you are on this site asking for help is evidence that the Holy Spirit is working in you, speaking to your heart and your conscience.

I promise you that Jesus knows what is best for you, and he knows it better than you do. Picture yourself married to this man 10 to 20 years from now. If you have more children, will you not want to raise them in the faith? Will you marry this new man and then in years to come regret that you didn’t have the patience to do it the way that your heart is telling you you should as the Church teaches? Or will you look back, holding his hand and thank God for giving you the patience to wait for the annulment, enter into a sacramental marriage and building a life together with Him?

I will be praying for you, sister. May He guide you and be with you during this emotional time in your life and may He work to restore you unto Him and His Church.

 

[Oneofthewomen]

Take a deep breath, and relax!!!

You have a lot going on, and much of it sounds like there is a lot of misunderstanding about what the Church teaches. I suggest you find a priest, not your Uncle, and explain to him your situation.

You are only ‘committing adultery’ if you are engaging in a physical relationship with this new man. If you are, then, no you should not be receiving Communion.

That said, you really need to talk to a priest about the possibility of annulment, among other things. Depending on the circumstances surrounding how you were married, it could be very simple.

Please do not give up hope until you talk to a priest. Tell him exactly what you said here. If you get no help from your local priest, call the Marriage Tribunal for your diocese.

More people than you know are in situations just like this- the Church wants you to come home, she is here to help you.

Peace & prayers!

 

[Elizabeth1986]

I am having a physical relationship with him and I am not sorry for it. I am not married to him. I am in love and don’t feel I am harming anyone. We treat each other with respect and kindness and I see no reason not to. I know this is obviously in dire contrast with what the church teaches. Thus lies the delimma I guess.

 

[Abundant]

I don’t think anyone here will tell you that what you are doing is okay and that you should be okay with it. However, hopefully no one will judge you seeing as how we have all done sinful things. That is the issue with your situation: it is sinful. We cannot use our own judgement to decide what is and is not sinful, and I think that you know that.

You are hurting people, whether you think so or not. You are hurting yourself and selling yourself short. You deserve better than to be in a physical relationship with a man to whom you are not married. God loves you and wants better for you. The same goes for him. God loves him and wants better for him. Your son deserves to be raised in a family where good a good marriage is modeled for him so that he can grow up to look for the same and learn that it is not okay to sleep with people to whom you are not married.

I promise, promise, promise that I am not trying to judge you, but I do want to be honest. Now, if it is hard for you to accept that what you are doing is wrong, that is how you know you need Jesus!!

Tell him that. Tell him that you know it is sinful, but it doesn’t feel wrong. Tell him exactly what you typed here. Ask him to show you His will for your life. Ask him to help you through it. Ask him to give you a mind and a heart to see things as He does. It will be hard, because you don’t WANT to see it that way. None of us wants to stop our sinful behavior and we are all sinners. But He can help us through it. He can walk along side us and wait for us to turn to Him and He loves us all the while.

 

[angell1]

I am having a physical relationship with him and I am not sorry for it. I am not married to him. I am in love and don’t feel I am harming anyone. We treat each other with respect and kindness and I see no reason not to. I know this is obviously in dire contrast with what the church teaches. Thus lies the delimma I guess.

i think you need to understand why the church teaches what it does. unfortunately, to be a catholic, you can’t just pick and choose the things you want to believe in and leave the rest.

for example, do you know why the church teaches what it does on sex before marriage?

asking questions is a good thing by the way, i think deep down, your conscience is telling you something, that you at least want to try and do the right thing as much as possible. or else you wouldn’t be here trying to find information.

 

[CruceSignati]

i think you need to understand why the church teaches what it does. unfortunately, to be a catholic, you can’t just pick and choose the things you want to believe in and leave the rest.

for example, do you know why the church teaches what it does on sex before marriage?

asking questions is a good thing by the way, i think deep down, your conscience is telling you something, that you at least want to try and do the right thing as much as possible. or else you wouldn’t be here trying to find information.

^^This.

Think about whether you are choosing God’s will or your own will. Remember we pray in the Lord’s Prayer, “Thy Will be done.” Its easy to pray it, but its hard to live it.

 

[ClearWater]

Well, I know in my life I got away from the Church, too. A lot of times, it went when I wanted to do something that I was doing that was against its rules.

A lot of people leave the Church when they divorce, say, or people, when they want to live together before marriage. They can say this “feels okay”, therefore, it IS okay. Look at Henry VIII, couldn’t get an annulment, ran out and headed his own “church” even though this goes agains the commandments, Bible, etc.!

However, even as I look back through my life, there were MANY times I was absolutely 100% positive this was love, this was Mr. Right. He was the one only to find, sometimes down the road…he wasn’t “the one” after all, that just as easily as I had “fallen in love”, I “fell out of love”. Sometimes people also “fall in love” with someone else’s spouse. Do you see where this is headed?

So, I question the entire business of being in relationships totally based on feelings, which are fleeting. Sometimes, I thought I felt more comfortable in other denominations or because I preferred their music, that they had a better social hour.

Now, I don’t base my decisions of faith on things like what music are they playing and such. I base it on their beliefs, the Bible, and more.

Now, I am not unsympathetic to your situation. That must have been terrible beyond belief, but likewise, would I be doing you any favors to tell you a sin is okay when it could land you in hell for all eternity?

1 Corinthians: 10-11
Do you not know that the unjust will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived; neither fornicators nor idolaters nor adulterers nor boy prostitutes nor sodomites
10
nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor robbers will inherit the kingdom of God.
11

Christ saw the woman who was caught in the act of adultery. He forgave her, but he also told her to go and “sin no more”.

As to homosexuality, see catholicbible101.com/homosexuality.htm

You can’t be a good practicing Catholic and do a number of these things OR support those who do. Again, if you tell your friends, “Hey, go ahead and have gay sex”, if that person ends up in a very low level of hell, forever, would it be worth it this moment of “pleasure”?

I used to do as you are doing in a lot of ways. I said I liked one part of the faith and disagreed with another, called myself a “feminist”. However, the way I arrived at my decisions then was also a lot different. I’ve learned now, because I’m older, through my mistakes. Yes, those times, I have come to view as mistakes.

Besides the Bible saying homosexuality is a sin, did you ever look at the statistics involved, to get a more objective picture? They have a very high murder and suicide rate, because basically, they aren’t happy people. God designed us male and female, in the divine image, temples of the Holy Spirit.

This is why we are not to have sex out of marriage. We believe marriage to be holy, sacred, a sacrament. Besides that, for practical reasons, getting married in the Church, preparing for it, waiting to have sexual relations is a good idea for a ton of reasons which won’t fit here.

Anyway, in whatever you decide, good luck and God bless.

 

[ClearWater]

My now partner is an athiest and has no interest nor belief in religion. He knows it is/was important to me and has agreed to allow me to raise any children we have together Catholic as long as he i snot expected to go to church. I will raise them catholic but I will also tell them that there is no right religion and no wrong religion. .

If you try to raise your children Catholic but don’t adhere to its principles, I doubt it would work. Your children will look to your future husband and simply say, “Dad doesn’t go, so why should I?” So, it’s almost a guarantee your kids won’t be church goers, because church is a little like school. Even though we need to learn it, there are days we will resist.

I predict you and your future husband will probably clash over issues of faith in the future, especially if you ever begin to return to your faith and take it seriously.

If you returned to the faith and wanted Natural Family Planning, he would insist on contraception, almost surely.

You would be going to church but your husband, and probably your kids, wouldn’t be. You’ll probably end up alone on that issue. Eventually, being unevenly yoked, as the Protestants like to call it, would make you feel like a salmon swimming upstream.

Eventually, your kids will want to have promiscuous sex, disobey your and your husband’s authority. What are you going to say? You can’t say it’s immoral, against God’s laws. At that point, you will just need to reap what you have sown, learn the hard way.

 

[B_A]

Elizabeth - you are clearly seeking Jesus. Do not give up on HIM, because He will never give up on you or your family. Trust that the Holy Spirit will guide you in your decisions and trust that through Faith, His Will - will be made known to you. I will pray for you and your family each day. Realize that we all struggle and it is through these struggles that our Faith becomes stronger. When you feel alone, remember you are being lifted up in prayer. God Bless.

 

[Cricket2]

Listen to your uncle. Is there anyway that the separation process in your country can take less time? I am always a bit ruffled about this myself, and I never married.

How difficult it must be to fulfill State or civil requirements in a divorce AND the Church requirements for an Annulment. I really, personally believe when it can be shown that there has been abuse, abandonment and things like lewd conduct, it should not take years to end the marriage. How can you try to fix a marriage when one of the parties has jumped ship? That should not be a burden extended to you.

I will pray that the Lord will clear the way for you and this new man to become husband and wife, in Jesus Name. Amen.