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Matthias123
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Lets not fight guys. The only winner will be Satan.
Amen
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benkim
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I understand what you’re saying juliasmith, but I’d appreciate it if you don’t reprimand me in your response.
I’d actually like a moderator to get this thread closed. A forum is probably not the best place in which to get this question answered because I’m only going to get many different answers that are going to end up confusing me along with some suggestions and assumptions that I don’t believe are very relevant to my original questions. So thanks for responding, but I think it would probably be best for me to figure out my answer some other way.
I’d actually like a moderator to get this thread closed. A forum is probably not the best place in which to get this question answered because I’m only going to get many different answers that are going to end up confusing me along with some suggestions and assumptions that I don’t believe are very relevant to my original questions. So thanks for responding, but I think it would probably be best for me to figure out my answer some other way.
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francesca_gen
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I don’t know if I count as “the younger generation” (I’m 41), but my relationship with both my parents was rocky. Because I was a mouthy, unhappy kid (who was also battling anxiety and depression, as I still do), my father stopped speaking to me, period, when I was eight. Between then and when he died when I was twenty-four, we maybe had… five? conversations. I’m sorry, but I think that if you decide to have kids, you don’t just then decide that you’re no longer speaking to your eight-year-old because they’re a handful – he was the adult. My mother had other issues.
What are our responsibilities if we have bad parents? I would say my father, though he supported me financially, was not a good parent. My mother tried much, much harder but definitely made some of my innate psychological hurdles worse.
This is, I suppose, hijacking the topic, but it got me thinking. What constitutes respect in cases of emotional abuse like my father and me – what constitutes respect in cases of serious abuse?
(FYI, I have mentioned this in Confession.)
Just musing on that.
Francesca
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peary
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**Raising your voice to your mother and telling, in effect, to shut her mouth, is a serious disrespect to her and is a sin. Swearing at your parents is also sinful. And what does your post reveal about your own attitude?
I got frustrated
nagging me
I got really annoyed
You could have handled it quite differently if you thought quicker. I know it’s a cliche, but What Would Jesus Do?**
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RachelsAlumni
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Well. Since you asked for my opinion:
As a mom I think you were seriously disrespectful.
Your mom shouldn’t have to ask you three times to get off the computer. She owns that computer. She owns the bed you sleep in and the roof over your head and the food you eat and probably the car you drive.
You should have shown more respect by getting off the computer after the first time she asked.
Instead you yelled at her.
Yelling is not something I tolerate from my kids at all.
If I were your mom I would not allow you to go on the computer at all, anymore, until you mature and show you can be responsible and respectful.
If one of my kids yelled at me after I asked them to get off, I would reach down and pull the plug on the computer. I’d shut the thing down and you would lose everything you were doing without a chance to even save it. Then I would password protect the computer so you couldn’t log on. You would have to use the computers at school or the library where they have time limits. You would not be allowed to use the computer until you had shown you can be more respectful and mature and even then I would only allow you to use the computer for a very limited amount of *supervised *time.
As a mom I think you were seriously disrespectful.
Your mom shouldn’t have to ask you three times to get off the computer. She owns that computer. She owns the bed you sleep in and the roof over your head and the food you eat and probably the car you drive.
You should have shown more respect by getting off the computer after the first time she asked.
Instead you yelled at her.
Yelling is not something I tolerate from my kids at all.
If I were your mom I would not allow you to go on the computer at all, anymore, until you mature and show you can be responsible and respectful.
If one of my kids yelled at me after I asked them to get off, I would reach down and pull the plug on the computer. I’d shut the thing down and you would lose everything you were doing without a chance to even save it. Then I would password protect the computer so you couldn’t log on. You would have to use the computers at school or the library where they have time limits. You would not be allowed to use the computer until you had shown you can be more respectful and mature and even then I would only allow you to use the computer for a very limited amount of *supervised *time.
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Newbie2
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In response to the OP, disrespect, methinks, is kinda like pregnancy; one is either pregnant or not. One is either disrespectful or not. Yelling at a parent is disrespectful. Hitting them or throwing something at them goes far beyond disrespect or “serious” disrespect.
I think the distinction of “serious” vs. “ordinary” disrespect is a moot point; disrespect is disrespect.
I usually give my teenage kids very little leeway, particularly if they raise their voice in response to me or especially their mother. I understand that it’s frustrating being under authority, and that at times they will act out on that frustration.
However, it’s a learning experience and lesson in maturity in learning how to deal with such limitations on one’s freedom and how to respond when one gets frustrated.
As far as confession goes, I found it interesting that the OP used the phrase *]“I want to determine whether I actually have to go to Confession or not.” *. Methinks if one has a question as to whether or not to go, it’s not a matter of “have to go to confession” but rather a “want to go to confession”. If there’s any question, there’s no harm in going.
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Catholic90
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Exactly!
Also as a mom, I agree 100%.
I have explained to my kids that I ask something ONCE. I get their attention (Hey <kid’s name>, [they acknowledge me], please quit your computer game and give me a hand with dishes.) If they show up, all is well. If they do not and continue to play, their computer privileges are revoked and they no longer have access, sometimes for weeks at a time, depending on the circumstances and situation. Guess what? They pretty much do something on the first request, and without complaining!
And if one of them YELLED at me for talking to them, no matter what the topic…(which they have never EVER done)…I just believe they may be finding a new place to live. (they are 16, 15, and 13). That would be at my DH’s insistence. He has made it very clear from early on that NO ONE will yell at his wife (except him
- j/k - all you marrieds know what I mean!), particularly our children, whom I stayed home with for years, diapered and nursed and chauffered and did homework with and basically dedicted my life to.Yelling at your mother is incredibally disrepectful.
How old are you, Benkim?
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benkim
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I said in a post before, that I want this thread closed. It’s not helping me and it’s a matter I’ll probably have to deal with some other way instead of asking people to post their opinions. Basically, I don’t want any more responses. And no, my mom didn’t have to ask me to get off the computer three times. That isn’t even what I said. To me it’s obvious from the responses that the general description of what happened isn’t enough for you to completely understand the situation. So seriously this time: no more responses.
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peary
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Then stop posting in here.
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benkim
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I’m not even really posting responses in here I just want other people to stop posting in here too.
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juliasmith
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So, because you are not hearing what you want to hear, you are going to run away instead of attempting to see that you might be wrong and need to change your attitude and behavior? You asked, don’t get your knickers in a wad when you receive an answer you didn’t expect or want. I suspect you already knew the answer to your question before you came here. What’s to misunderstand? You said you yelled at her. That is wrong behavior. Period. Go to confession, don’t do it anymore. Simple.
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juliasmith
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I’m 39. I’d consider you my generation, not ‘the younger generation’
What defines a good parent? We have very different parenting standards from previous generations. My mother was emotionally distant and worked outside the home, leaving me to care for my three younger siblings all the time. My dad did whatever he wanted and frequently would spend evenings ‘out’ not drinking, but going to libraries and researching whatever topic caught his fancy that week.
They didn’t coddle me. I didn’t hear ‘I love you’ a lot. And I hated them. I was a horrible daughter. I blamed them for me not having a happy life and being a princess.
I was also an unhappy, mouthy kid. I was undisciplined. I was a lot of things. But was that my parent’s fault? They are not perfect. They did the best they could.
I think in our current atmosphere of coddling children, not disciplining them, or even teaching them the difference between right and wrong (our OP is a fine example of this…he came here because he was not sure if he had been disrespectful. ), we think it acceptable to blame our parents for ‘victimizing’ us.
My personal response to myself when I finally recognized this in my own behavior was ‘stop whining, forgive them and move on.’
Your dad stopped talking to you. Maybe he couldn’t cope because he didn’t know how. Maybe his parents never taught him how to deal with a mouthy, unhappy child.
I figure if they didn’t beat or torture you and made an attempt to teach you how to survive as an adult, good on 'em. We do the best we can.
And my life (since I disrespected, willfully and maliciously, reviled, and hurt my parents because my unhappy life was ‘their fault’) has been a horrible one up until I came home to God and determined to change things. In short, I believe that God cursed my life because I treated my parents horribly. I believe he ended my cousin’s at 26 for the same thing. My aunt’s at 50 for the same thing.
Don’t hold them responsible for you being unhappy. If you have depression, etc. It’s not their fault or yours. It just is. Forgive and move on. You’ll be much better for it.
Our responsibilities are the same toward parents good or bad. ( I do, however draw the line at parents that commit sexual sins or beat their children senseless …and please note I stated beat, not discipline. There is a difference).
You show them respect regardless. You care for them in their old age. You do not speak of them in a bad way publicly, etc. It is the same. Now, as an adult, you don’t have to be buddies, but you do have a responsibility to remain ‘in the family’. God put you there for a reason. It might be hard, but it is what he gave you to work in and through.
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juliasmith
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I had another thought. This one in regards to emotional abuse. I think the whole ‘emotional abuse’ thing is a crock. That was my rallying cry, too.
I think people are too ‘touchy, feely’ these days. I was. I like to think I have matured past that. People are freakishly wimpish these days. All this psycho-babble nonesense about getting your feelings hurt, your self-esteem was damaged, etc. You’re not healthy unless you mentally ‘feel good’…whatever. I think all these modern psychology self-help books and anything written by Dr. Spock ought to be burned.
My parents called me names, yelled, etc. Know what…they were right about a lot of it.
The idea of widespread ‘emotional abuse’ just gets on my nerves.I suffer from depression, too. It runs in the family. Maybe it ran in yours too. Maybe your dad suffered from it. Maybe that’s why he shut down. Still going to blame him for being a bad father? And I mean no overt offense to you, I just am sick of hearing that tired tirade. Parents didn’t give you everything you wanted? maybe you were selfish, not abused.(and that’s a hypothetical, not a personal jab) Maybe not, dunno. But I still think blaming is a no win situation. Whatever happened. Forgive and move on. It’s not worth holding onto.
God already told us that he has our back…
I think people are too ‘touchy, feely’ these days. I was. I like to think I have matured past that. People are freakishly wimpish these days. All this psycho-babble nonesense about getting your feelings hurt, your self-esteem was damaged, etc. You’re not healthy unless you mentally ‘feel good’…whatever. I think all these modern psychology self-help books and anything written by Dr. Spock ought to be burned.
My parents called me names, yelled, etc. Know what…they were right about a lot of it.
The idea of widespread ‘emotional abuse’ just gets on my nerves.I suffer from depression, too. It runs in the family. Maybe it ran in yours too. Maybe your dad suffered from it. Maybe that’s why he shut down. Still going to blame him for being a bad father? And I mean no overt offense to you, I just am sick of hearing that tired tirade. Parents didn’t give you everything you wanted? maybe you were selfish, not abused.(and that’s a hypothetical, not a personal jab) Maybe not, dunno. But I still think blaming is a no win situation. Whatever happened. Forgive and move on. It’s not worth holding onto.
God already told us that he has our back…
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peary
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Some of us will continue to post in here because we think the subject warrants serious discussion. Now that you have been introduced into the reality of the adult world, hopefully you understand that those of us who have raised kids already have a totally different view of things. Where you’re going we’ve already been. Like I said before, it’s a cliche, but ask yourself, What would Jesus do with regard to His mother?
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juliasmith
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Peary, I think that’s the best response I’ve heard yet.
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peary
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I had a third-grade nun who literally drilled that into the class when I was in school. I thank her for it everyday since my own mother, who is in her late 80s, has been a definite blessing to our family. I guess the advice comes in handy in one’s life in one way or another. Life is a gift, especially when it’s a parent who loves you.
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KingAlfred
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Sorry, Benkim, but I really must ask why you created this post? This is a bit puzzling.
Still, I can relate. I was never close to my father, who recently died. I’m his *adopted *son, and the oldest. Our relationship actually worsened for years before his death. I often wanted to express my anger toward him concerning the way he raised us. I never did, however, because I knew it wouldn’t change anything. In time, I felt relieved by the fact I was an adopted child, because it allowed me to distance myself without remorse. Hang in there.
Still, I can relate. I was never close to my father, who recently died. I’m his *adopted *son, and the oldest. Our relationship actually worsened for years before his death. I often wanted to express my anger toward him concerning the way he raised us. I never did, however, because I knew it wouldn’t change anything. In time, I felt relieved by the fact I was an adopted child, because it allowed me to distance myself without remorse. Hang in there.
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Catholic90
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Neil_Anthony
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Don’t worry about all the comments, Benkim. On these forums you have to learn to take the advice that’s helpful, and ignore the advice that isn’t. It can be frustrating before you figure that out! If a post is helpful, great, even respond if it will help more. If it’s not helpful, just go on to the next one
Neil
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Ruthie
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Julia, I don’t think you thought things out when you said, “I think the whole ‘emotional abuse’ thing is a crock…”
I agree that there are some who claim emotional abuse because they didn’t get everything they want. But real emotional abuse exists.
Example: my late mother (not Catholic), who did an excellent job in most aspects, confessed to me before she died that, since having my sister and me “ruined her life” she deliberately raised me to not want children. It worked. I never had any.
This was not a “self-esteem” issue. I believed, as she subtly taught me, that having kids would ruin my life.
Would you call that emotional abuse?
(Through the help of Our Lady, I’ve forgiven her her mistakes, and am lovingly grateful for all the things she did right.)
Ruthie
I agree that there are some who claim emotional abuse because they didn’t get everything they want. But real emotional abuse exists.
Example: my late mother (not Catholic), who did an excellent job in most aspects, confessed to me before she died that, since having my sister and me “ruined her life” she deliberately raised me to not want children. It worked. I never had any.
This was not a “self-esteem” issue. I believed, as she subtly taught me, that having kids would ruin my life.
Would you call that emotional abuse?
(Through the help of Our Lady, I’ve forgiven her her mistakes, and am lovingly grateful for all the things she did right.)
Ruthie
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