Serious question for men and women

  • Thread starter Thread starter MyPhilomena
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I will tell you my perspective as the “other woman.”

I have gotten in touch with old friends from high school, including men. Generally speaking, the wives weren’t thrilled. It is natural to be wary. My feeling, though, is that you can’t be friends with a married man unless his wife is your friend, too. They come as a unit, and their marriage comes first. You do nothing that could be construed as an invitation to have an affair and you do nothing that the wife is not comfortable with.

Generally, we as a couple become friendly acquaintances with them as a couple. One of my friends, however, wrote and said his wife was not comfortable with the idea of a correspondence between her husband and me. He was apologetic, but I wrote back and told him I was fine with that. She is his life now, not me. That relationship has to come first. I include him on group e-mails of a general nature, but that is all.

My husband has female friends, some single. He always tells me every time he sees them and the only time they meet alone is for lunch at a public place. I am always invited. I am ok with this because our marriage is very strong and these are all women whom I like and who do not send any signals of interest in my husband. No one else is treated remotely like his best friend, except me. If I wasn’t ok with it, though, he wouldn’t do it. He’d make do with just having male friends.

As long as your husband is allowed to have friends other than you, it is ok to not be comfortable with everyone who wants a friendly relationship with him. You share a life now, so those are joint decisions. Anyone who doesn’t like that is just out of luck.

Since you didn’t get a letter back from his friend, it is entirely possible that she feels the same way. If she doesn’t…well, he married you, not her. You come first.
 
ktp said:
This argument bothers me. It seems to me a bit of a blame the victim argument. Yes, some spouses ARE that jealous, but most aren’t.

I guess, to me, it’s a little like saying to your parents, “You see… LOOK at your behavior! THIS is why I didn’t just tell you I was dealing drugs!” If the frienship is inappropriate, and apparent secrecy sure makes it look that way, then there’s something to be upset about, and it’s unfair to then blame the other for being legitimately upset and justifying the original secrecy on that. :confused:
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I dont see a victim here at all
 
MyPhilomena, didn’t you mention in a previous thread that Frank’s mother had encouraged old female friends to contact him, without telling them that he is married? If so it is only natural that you feel threatened when you find he has received a letter from a now-single old female friend. Your husband may not have any ill intentions as far as maintaining contact with old friends, but re-establishing contact with someone who does not know he is married (and then not telling you about it) is a big marriage no-no in my book.

Out of respect for you as his wife, and out of respect to your marriage, he needs to understand why you feel threatened and then resolve not to do things which threaten the bond of trust in your marriage.
 
I think that if you don’t like for him to talk to single female friends, then by all means, he should not. You should be the most important person in his life and him to you.

However, I can’t really speak for you since I am not sure how your relationship works. Every relationship is different.

I can tell you about mine in a few words and that is that my husband takes me into consideration first and I do the same for him, too. If I don’t like something he will not do it and vice versa. Of course, it is all within reasonable limits. For instance, if this would have happened to us, he would have told me and he himselft would have just ignored the letter or written or called her back to let her know that it is not a good idea for them to be “friends” anymore because he does not want to give any motive for his wife to become upset. This he would have done without me even telling him because he expects the same thing from me.

Hope everything resolves.

God Bless!
 
It sounds as if the OP and her husband have come to a mature resolution of this and for that I’m glad.

My opinion of this general topic is that “open kimino” is the best policy within the marriage–nothing hidden, no secret meetings, calls, e-mails etc. If that is honored, the along with agreeing with BLB Oregon about the wisdom of extending your friendship to the spouse of a now-married old friend, then I see no problem with maintaining friendly relationships with opposite-gendered folks. We all have a history–and marriage does not require us to forget or purge our ourselves of all of our past connections to others.
 
I think I am bothered by the fact that the husband knows this kind of thing bothers his wife and he does not include her in these relationships. BUT I am glad they came to a resolution!
 
thechrismyster said:
never apologize for thinking what you think or saying what you feel.
if it bothers you, let him know.

if something i did bothered my wife and it was a honest mistake on my part, i’ll rectify it. otherwise, i’ll explain myself.

myself, i wouldn’t write without letting my wife know as a courtesy to her. married men shouldn’t be secretly writing to single OR married women if there is a chance their wife could misconstrue the situation. i care more about my wifes feelings than the feelings of every female friend combined.
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You a a VERY SMART MAN. Very Lucky Wife!! God Bless You
 
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