Serious relationship with serious Protestant

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Christine,

Condolences. I know it hurts. Believe me, I know. You’re probably tired of hearing this, or soon will be, but if it’s not meant to be, it’s for the best.

I wonder if I’m headed down that road, too. I’m dating a Protestant girl who’s just about one of the best people I’ve ever known, but she’s deeply Protestant. Not anti-Catholic, but certainly suspicious of our wierd beliefs and steeped in her own “traditions.” She’s a reporter who covers area churches, and yesterday she covered a Mass. I wish I’d planned ahead, because the Feast of the Assumption is not something I would want her to go to without someone there to explain things for her. After yesterday’s in-credible homily on the Assumption, she’s looking at me a little bit like I’ve got three heads. That honeymoon period is probably over, and now our “discussions” will be amped up a notch or two…
 
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Christine4God:
My boyfriend and I just broke up tonight. The arguments, constant evangelizing, and ultimatums were too much to battle. Intrafaith dating/marriage may work in some cases, but like my wise mom says, “marriage is hard enough already…”. I don’t think I’m up for it.

I do think that God gave him to me for a reason - to strengthen my faith in Him. It hurts like heck right now (especially since I moved 700 miles to be near him), but I know it’s the right thing in the long run.

Thanks for all your advice and prayers.
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Sweetie, I’m really sorry to hear that you are hurting. If it makes you feel any better, I know to an extent how you are feeling. A year ago I moved here to London from Nebraska for a guy. <note to myself, never move for a man again… at least not to another country> And once I got here things completely fell apart. But just as the wheels were coming off, I was beginning to read a lot about Roman Catholicism. Both of us were strong protestants, he’s in seminary right now and I recently graduated from a well-known evangelical university in the midwest. Anyway, long story short, I have been able to grow and explore more fully the Catholic church without him. I mean, after all if I’d married the guy that would have made me the wife of a future vicar in the Church of England. Ewww. At the time it sounded ok, but now as I’m getting serious about entering the Catholic Church I know it wouldn’t be worth the heart ache to still be with him. It hurts without him but it would hurt more with him because we could never share the beauty of the church and I would always be the pastor’s wife who never measured up!

Don’t be afraid to hurt or to think that right away you have to be strong and back to 100%. You’ve invested a lot of time an energy in this relationship. If I remember right, on one episode of Sex & the City (not that I recommend ALL the advice they give! 😉 ) they said for every month you were in a relationship it will take 2 weeks to get over him and start feeling totally “normal” again. Probably doesn’t hold true all the time, but DO give yourself some serious time and really draw near to the Lord because nobody else can love you like He does. There’s no need to run around rushing into another relationship. That’s one of the most foolish things you can do when you’re hurting. I don’t care how many people tell me they have to date someone new right away after breaking up in order to get over the other guy. Bolony!!! Jesus will heal you, time will help, but the right guy will come when he comes.

Blessings to you!
 
Montanaman -

Not to sound doomsday (morning after a sad breakup - bear with me), but if your gut’s telling you that neither of you will change (and you shouldn’t), get out. I had an inkling, oh, about a year ago that he wasn’t ever going to consider Catholicism - and would get more intent on converting me. I should have listened to my gut. Now it’s a lot more painful than it would have been a year ago.

Find a Catholic girl. Someone who shares your beliefs and traditions. (easier said than done, I know. I’m up against it now, too)

C
 
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Christine4God:
My boyfriend and I just broke up tonight. The arguments, constant evangelizing, and ultimatums were too much to battle. Intrafaith dating/marriage may work in some cases, but like my wise mom says, “marriage is hard enough already…”. I don’t think I’m up for it.

I do think that God gave him to me for a reason - to strengthen my faith in Him. It hurts like heck right now (especially since I moved 700 miles to be near him), but I know it’s the right thing in the long run.

Thanks for all your advice and prayers.
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I’m sorry for your pain. What are you going to do now? Are you going back home ("I moved 700 miles)? Truth be told, those who answered yout posting are not just a bunch of “busy-bodies” who feel they must chime in with their oppion, we do care. Ok, some just wanted to view THEIR oppion, but most of us do care because you are our Sister in Christ. We will be praying for you and for the Comfort of the Holy Spirit be with you.

God Bless,
Davis
 
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dhgray:
You have two things working against you.
  1. Evangelical/Baptist - We are going to Hell because we are Catholic. (A Buddhist has a better chance of getting in to Heaven).
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Is this a true statement? Do Evangelicals believe Catholics are going to Hell?

I was under the impression that we Catholics, although misguided (spoken from the perspective of Evangelicals) meet the criterea for salvation: We believe in the Holy Trinity, we accept Jesus as our savior, period.

Listening to Hank Hannegraff for a few years now, I do believe this to be his view. He states, we are involved in an “in-house debate, we need not divide over it”.

Any comments? Have I been under a false impression?

To the orignal poster, I was going to quote Hank in my response to you. After reading this I may have been misdirected.
 
Thank you so much for your concern, dhgray.

I’m going to stay here in Atlanta. I have some great friends here, and plus, it would cost a fortune to break my lease (which is up in May). I’m a consultant so I travel Mon-Fri, and I have the option to fly to my family and friends (Kansas City and Chicago) anytime I need to. So really, I’m not too bad off. Just the standard breaking-up woes (e.g., “that was OUR restaurant” etc.).

By the way, I tried to look up Singles for Christ in Atlanta, but I can’t seem to find anything. Do you know if there is a group in the Atlanta area?
 
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bluerose:
Here’s some more resources:

“Nuts and Bolts” by Tim Staples.

“Prove It! Church” by Amy Welborn. Aimed primarily at teens, but great for anyone who’s been hit with a barrage of “proof” that the Catholic Faith is wrong.
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A big “Second” on both these books, they are excellent!!

👍 👍
 
Montanaman -
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Not to sound doomsday (morning after a sad breakup - bear with me), but if your gut’s telling you that neither of you will change (and you shouldn’t), get out. I had an inkling, oh, about a year ago that he wasn’t ever going to consider Catholicism - and would get more intent on converting me. I should have listened to my gut. Now it’s a lot more painful than it would have been a year ago.
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Find a Catholic girl. Someone who shares your beliefs and traditions. (easier said than done, I know. I’m up against it now, too)
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C
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Christine,

You’re probably right, but as far as differences go, this is the best relationship I’ve every had. We’ve got similar ground rules and ideas about what we want. We’ve allowed ourselves an exit-strategy, too. Basically, we’ve combined the best of both spontenaity and good Christian planning. It’s amazing.

That, and I just received an e-mail from her responding to some suggestions I had for this weekend. She basically said, “whatever. I’ll follow you anywhere–sailing, movies, or Mass.”

I just picked myself up off the floor a minute ago…

But once again, you’re probably right. This is the “honeymoon phase,” and I recently promised myself I’d never date a non-Catholic again. I even started a thread on that topic: “Advice from a deep sinner,” or something like that. So, we’ll see how it goes. I have a way of putting my heart in harm’s way.

I know what you’re saying about “our restaurant,” etc. That’s the worst thing about breakups–the reminders. But as you have probably also heard, time will put it in perspective. You’ll feel that freedom soon enough. I promise.
 
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Christine4God:
Thank you so much for your concern, dhgray.

I’m going to stay here in Atlanta. I have some great friends here, and plus, it would cost a fortune to break my lease (which is up in May). I’m a consultant so I travel Mon-Fri, and I have the option to fly to my family and friends (Kansas City and Chicago) anytime I need to. So really, I’m not too bad off. Just the standard breaking-up woes (e.g., “that was OUR restaurant” etc.).

By the way, I tried to look up Singles for Christ in Atlanta, but I can’t seem to find anything. Do you know if there is a group in the Atlanta area?
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I’ll PM the information to you. For others looking, check out www.couplesforchrist.us
 
My wife was an atheist when I married her. After seven years of marriage, and many many questions, arguments … errrr discussions, and prayers, she became Catholic. God works many miracles. Prayer is the best advice I can give.

Since we are all here and eager to help, *this forum, *is probably your best quick resource. You have a crack team of thousands of hyper-eager Catholics here just aching to share the reason for their hope. I suggest you proceed by posting the next perplexing question he asks of you about Catholic theology on this forum. Many of us have probably already answered the question several times in the past or know where to find the answer.
 
I just wanted to tell you not to write off men of Protestant faith. I am engaged to one, and I used to say “never”, and he is the most Godly, loving, RESPECTFUL man I have ever met. The bottom line? A real man will love and RESPECT your faith. Yes, in the beginning, we spent a lot of time discussing religion and what Catholics believe. However, my fiance approached all discussions with respect and a real desire to understand what we believe. As a result, he now sets other people straight on what our faith is all about. Will he ever convert? Only God knows. Does he love, respect and encourage my faith. Absolutely! We attend mass and his church, sometimes going twice a week. We love it.
Code: 
              Always look at the heart.

I also think you should continue your study of our faith, and I would like to recommend Scott Hahn.  He is an author of several great books that are fun to read and exploding with biblical references.  He also has many tapes out to listen to that will explain more (I'm a tape junkie.....long commute!).   Try the website [www.catholicity.com](http://www.catholicity.com) .  You can order their tapes or cd's for free (or donation).

        Stay true to your heart and your faith.  God will do the rest.  (It actually took me a really LONG time to listen to that piece of advice!)
 
Dump him.
You can find a Catholic guy. By the time you convince this guy - if ever - to marry in the Church, you’ll have wasted a lot of time. Plus, he probably believes divorce is permissible; he won’t be really comitted for life if he knows there is a way out.
The sooner you start looking for what you really want, the sooner you will find it.
Good luck
 
I know there are some fabulous protestants out there… I’m currently still a protestant myself although I’m hoping to join the church this coming Easter. But REALISTIALLY, folks, if you’re Catholic and you’re dating a protestant you will be facing a lot of battles in the future. First of all, what church will you get married in? Second of all, what are you going to do regarding contraception? Because I’ll tell you what, it wasn’t until some intense studying and praying during my conversion to the catholic faith over the past year that I became even REMOTELY open to not using any form of birth control. This, from what I understand, is an ESSENTIAL part of a Catholic marriage (even though unfortunately most Catholics do not follow this teaching) and protestants- well-educated protestants- will fight you tooth and nail on this. It will seem utterly archaic to them!!
Ok, so even if by some miracle you get them talked into not using artificial birth control, you will have to deal with how you’re going to raise your children. Will they be baptised? Will they be confirmed in the Catholic Church?

Let’s be honest here, if a protestant automatically agrees with you on all of these issues either 1) they have no back bone and are being way too subordinate or 2) they are really Catholic anyway. The issues I mentioned above (marrying in the Catholic Church, not using birth control) will go over like a lead balloon, especially if the individual is at all “educated” in their protestant faith.

God can work miracles, and I do know there are some folks out there who married someone who wasn’t Catholic and they happened to change their mind down the road. Lucky for them! It doesn’t always work out that way though, and it is pure foolishness for a Catholic who is serious about their faith and who is serious about having a marriage and family as the Church teaches to go ahead and date a protestant and hope it all turns out for the best. Why set yourself up for heartbreak? Why assume someone who is changing for you is really authentically changing for the right reasons? Why not give it time, see if that person ON THEIR OWN decides to join the Church for their own reasons (ie Holy Spirit!!) rather than just because they’re ready to enjoy the married life with you and conforming to you at the moment is the only way to get you down the aisle?

Let’s not be naive.
 
I guess I don’t see mixed relationships as necessarily bad because I know I won’t compromise on a few things. Eventually I’ll share them if things seem to be getting serious, and if she can accept these no-compromise issues, I truly have a keeper.

The no-debate issues are, of course:

We must be married in the Church.
The kids WILL be raised Catholic, (by me alone, if necessary).
No ABC.
She must also abhor abortion.

I’ve never dated a girl that accepted all this, so these conditions may be the perfect forumula for singlehood for the rest of my life. But, this girl I’m dating right now, well… She said she’d go to Mass with me, she’s one of seven kids, and she’s more conservative than me. We’ll see. 😃
 
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montanaman:
I guess I don’t see mixed relationships as necessarily bad because I know I won’t compromise on a few things. Eventually I’ll share them if things seem to be getting serious, and if she can accept these no-compromise issues, I truly have a keeper.

The no-debate issues are, of course:

We must be married in the Church.
The kids WILL be raised Catholic, (by me alone, if necessary).
No ABC.
She must also abhor abortion.

I’ve never dated a girl that accepted all this, so these conditions may be the perfect forumula for singlehood for the rest of my life. But, this girl I’m dating right now, well… She said she’d go to Mass with me, she’s one of seven kids, and she’s more conservative than me. We’ll see. 😃
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yeah, but I guess I don’t see the point in getting involved in the first place if ahead of time you’re on different roads. shouldn’t relationship START with the same goals/“uncompromisables” and then go down the road to see if the relationship/chemistry/personalities work? it would seem backwards to me to start dating someone and then later figure out where he stands on key issues, rather than me looking for an wonderful, God-fearing, orthodox guy and then seeing if we’re compatible.

one more thing, there’s a big difference between being conservative and being orthodox. i’m politically/socially liberal, but VERY orthodox!!🙂
 
I suppose you’ve got a point there, Steph. But part of me loves apologetics. If I can combine that with lots of kissin’, sweet!

She knows I’m a rabid Catholic, so she knows what she’s getting into.
 
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montanaman:
I suppose you’ve got a point there, Steph. But part of me loves apologetics. If I can combine that with lots of kissin’, sweet!

She knows I’m a rabid Catholic, so she knows what she’s getting into.
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Well, seeing as I’m saving as much of myself as possible for my future husband, I don’t go around kisssing guys and hoping they’ll convert… so I can’t relate at all. Why would you get physically involved with someone when you don’t even know if you could marry them? when you don’t even know where they stand on the “essentials”? And especially when they are from a different faith background that does NOT support the same Catholic marriage/family essentials as yourself? I think that’s disrespectful to your future spouse and careless of your heart which the Bible tells us to guard carefully!

Where is it in Song of Songs that it says “Do not awaken love until it so desires…”?

Sometimes I give up hope that there are any orthodox men out there who aren’t screwing around with their hearts and their bodies…

(p.s. once you’re physically involved with someone it’s MUCH easier to convert them- not necessarily for the right reasons though! I know too many people who have compromised their faith simply b/c they’ve gotten physically involved with someone and get to a point where they don’t want to not have sex anymore. guess why we have such a high divorce rate in the church… ah yes, poor dating/courting technique and partner choosing!!!)
 
Well, seeing as I’m saving as much of myself as possible for my future husband, I don’t go around kisssing guys and hoping they’ll convert… so I can’t relate at all. Why would you get physically involved with someone when you don’t even know if you could marry them? when you don’t even know where they stand on the “essentials”? And especially when they are from a different faith background that does NOT support the same Catholic marriage/family essentials as yourself? I think that’s disrespectful to your future spouse and careless of your heart which the Bible tells us to guard carefully!
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Where is it in Song of Songs that it says “Do not awaken love until it so desires…”?
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Sometimes I give up hope that there are any orthodox men out there who aren’t screwing around with their hearts and their bodies…
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(p.s. once you’re physically involved with someone it’s MUCH easier to convert them- not necessarily for the right reasons though! I know too many people who have compromised their faith simply b/c they’ve gotten physically involved with someone and get to a point where they don’t want to not have sex anymore. guess why we have such a high divorce rate in the church… ah yes, poor dating/courting technique and partner choosing!!!)
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Whoa, whoa, whoa! We’re talking about kissing here. Not not sex, not “heavy petting.” I go by the rule that I don’t touch anything I don’t have, and she does the same. If that’s beyond the standard of what you find morally acceptable, well, my hat’s off to you, but there is nothing wrong with kissing. Not even kissing a Protestant.

And she’s about as likely to convert me to her non-entity religion as I am to develop cold fusion.

She and I have known each other for two years, and in that time we never explicitly said or did anything that would definitively highlight our interest in each other. We dated other people, but our friendship grew over this time. Call it an extremely long courtship. So, it’s not like she and I just suddenly became frisky and started groping one day. In fact, she says the most attractive thing about me is my spirituality. I consider that the most humbling, most amazing thing a girl has ever said to me. And from that comes a deep respect and gratitude. For being Protestant, she’s one of the most faithful, holy girls I have ever known. I am blessed to have her in my life.

Even though this is an anonymous internet forum I’m still miffed at your assumptions about me. You sound like a Catholic girl I used to work with who was judgemental, always mad, disdainful of even hugs, and condemned me to Hell several times because I was “having doubts,” which she said she’d never had. Maybe it’s the medium, but please, before you pidgeonhole me into some nifty little box where I can be classified, tagged and dismissed, how about a little respect?

MM
 
montanaman - your comment about kissing a Protestant cracked me up. Funny funny

Now back to me. (just kidding) (sort of) I am feeling so sad about this break up. Like frantic sadness. What if I regret it for the rest of my life? Maybe we could make the 2 religions-thing work? He is the most wonderful person (funny/smart/kind/loves me) and I’m so afraid I’ll not meet another person like him. He loves God more than most Catholics I know - doesn’t that count for something? As someone said earlier, former Protestants make the best Catholics…maybe one day he’ll see the light of the Catholic Church…

How do I know if this is the right decision? I am so sad right now - and pretty much terrified. I don’t want to make this a dating column, but I really need some Catholic help.
 
Maybe you’ll marry him and then he’ll lay down the the law as he sees it, maybe he’ll demand the children be raised in his church, maybe he’ll demand you use birth control, maybe he’ll divorce you after you have 2 kids, because you won’t convert?

Maybe you did the right thing-pray-I’m betting on it. I’m 60 and have been married 42 years this October 12th. Two faiths in one house does not work very often, Read the tales of woe.
 
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