Serious sister problem, reached the end of the line

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anon98328916

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I don’t know where to start really, I have four sisters and my oldest sister is very hard to get on with. She is married with children who I love so much and would do anything for. I think she has no respect for me whatsoever or cares about anything to do with my life. If I’m honest she has always been difficult to get on with but what has made me so annoyed and mad is she has so much respect for her sister in law and others (outsiders) and little or none for our parents or myself. It’s always been the case if we went to visit her we never knew if we would be welcome or not or what kind of mood she would be in the day we called. Our parents have always been so good to us all and would do anything for us, for a quiet life they say nothing when she behaves like this and they just say they are quite used to it now. I think it’s awful that they should have to put up with this. I think the older I’m getting the less I can put up with the way she treats us, though I know in my heart of hearts if I told her how hurt I have been by her behaviour she would probably have a terribly hurtful argument with me and worse again never speak to me again! and I would never see my nephews and nieces. A recent example is my nephews birthday at the end of September, she sent out invitations to us all and I was really looking forward to it but when we got their she was very distant with us and the look on her face she didn’t want us their. About 10 minutes after we arrived her sister in law arrived and she had a friendly welcome for her and asked her how she was and how her work is. I was so hurt and started to feel so mad I had to leave the room. Then she persisted to offend me by asking another one of our sisters and her sister in law to make sandwiches and I was standing their! I was getting very annoyed at this stage as I thought “why did she not ask myself as I am her sister”. I was very upset as the evening went on I stayed away from her but the awful reality is she didn’t even know or even realise she upset me. To top off the evening after everyone had left except our parents and myself she asked me to book a stay in a hotel for her as she was to busy to do it herself, I normally wouldn’t mind doing that for someone but she expects you to book it with your card and she never pays back the money she owes then. I felt so used and I thought she really does have that little respect for me. II have now reached the end of the line with her I don’t know what to do as I know if I said something it would be the end. I am thinking the next time I pray the rosary I will ask Our Lady for Her help and guidance and the best solution to this family problem. What do you think?
 
Not knowing your sister I can only surmise what is happening, but it is always best to assume the best rather than look for the worst in these situations. You may be reading into her looks and actions things that are not there. If she has a “cold” nature, it may be that she has no idea she is silighting you nor has any intention of doing so. It may be that you have a more sensitive nature than she. Neither is bad, but sensitive people do tend to read into the actions/words of others what isn’t there or project onto them what they expect should be there. It may even be that since you are family she doesn’t feel the need to make a fuss over you, but does over a sil because she wants to make the sil feel one of the family. That does sometimes happen.

Even if she means to snub you, she is family. Getting upset with her will not solve anything nor change her attitude, if indeed she means to have an attitude at all. The best thing to do is to ignore her behavior, be pleasant and kind. You are not obliged to associate with her any more than necessary, you know. If you find being with her so distressing it’s best not to see her very often and when you do to let whatever happens roll off you back. Better yet, give all your misgivings and feelings to Jesus and Mary. None of us find loving people who don’t like us easy (if that’s what’s happening here). This is why we need the grace of God to love others who are, perhaps, unloveable by us. Love her in Christ, pray for her good, think nothing ill of her, say nothing ill about her and in time you will be able to deal with her without getting emotionally involved and hurt. That’s my advice. 🙂
 
Sometimes when family members want to be accepted by their inlaws-they try and get their approval and so on by being nicer to them then their, own family.
Your sister is confident that you will always love her, even if she behaves badly toward you.

If your sister is taking advantage of your kindness, just back away a little bit, learn to say no-especially when it causes you to spend money she does not pay back, or go out of your way excessively for her. Don’t put yourself in situations that will hurt your feelings–such as asking to help–let her come to you-and if she doesn’t then that’s fine too.
It is how you respond to the behavior.

No need for a dramatic conversation-just change your reaction, and be at peace.
 
My first advice is to lower both the rhetoric level and your expectations. If you are still getting social invitations at all, then saying she has “no respect for me whatsoever or cares about *anything to do *with my life” is over the top. Don’t defend that kind of thinking. Don’t even *think *about whether it is justified or not. Cut it out, because justified or not, it is counter-productive. Stick with “this behavior crosses a line” and talk to her about behaviors that are impolite according to the rules of all social convention. When you do that, stick to that particular instance of that particular behavior, and don’t go dragging anything out of a hidden gunnysack full of past resentments. Do not hold her to jumping through any hoops that are of your making. You know her, yes? Do you think you’ll get her to sign on for your view of the world? This is one little sister to another talking: That is not going to happen, and we both know it. You have all my sympathy, but it is what it is. The key to harmony between adult siblings is to finally accept each other’s foibles, faults, eccentricities, and limitation, and let go of expecting any substantial changes. If they happen, great. They probably won’t. Choose your battles, and don’t choose very many.

Consider, too, that she is not the only one sending out non-verbal messages. Honestly, you weren’t asked to make sandwiches and your feelings are hurt? Do you realize that getting your feelings hurt because you aren’t asked to help when you think you ought to be asked is a high-maintenance pattern of behavior for an adult? Do you know you have the choice to let go of these expectations and just enjoy a party where you offer to help and are not asked to do anything? You can’t control you sister, but you can choose to do that!

When you ask, “why did she not ask myself as I am her sister?” you might want to consider that her sisters-in-law don’t have the baggage with her that you do. It doesn’t matter if it if her baggage or yours or whose fault it is. That is not the point. Let us be practical: in-laws are sometimes refreshing in how low-maintenance they are for us to deal with. Strangers are usually more low-maintenance than our adult siblings. Not always, but not infrequently. We build up a lot of resentments and expectations over the course of a childhood, and it can really add up! In the stress of entertaining it is natural to go with the help that is the most forgiving. Let us be frank: that isn’t you, is it?

Do not automatically imagine that your sisters-in-law actually have a wonderful close relationship with your difficult sister. Isn’t it possible that your sisters-in-law know that your sister is difficult, accept that, and for your brothers’ sakes treat her great even though she is not the easiest person in the world? Why wouldn’t your sister respond favorably to that? For all you know, your sisters-in-law all have to go home and have a stiff drink after a day with your sister, and they end the day by telling your brothers, “Oh, man, do you owe me one. Big time.” The difference could just be that you let on to that, and they don’t.

If you want to have a good relationship with another adult, be less easily offended, do not make mountains out of molehills, and concern yourself only with being easy to get along with yourself, making waves only as truly necessary to enforce your own boundaries. Concern yourself with letting your sister know you care about her life and making it easier for her. Let the rest go. If your sister doesn’t measure up, then find friends or other siblings who do. Cultivate your relationship with your sister for the day you’ll be sharing the load of caring for your parents and even to the day you’ll be seeing to their burial and dividing their earthly possessions. You’ll be glad you did.

And what about booking the hotel? On that, you are unfortunately going to have to say, “Sure, give me your card, and I’ll book it for you.” When she says, “Can you put it on your card?” you have to say, “Sorry, but you haven’t paid me back or said a word about paying me back from the last time I put it on my card. Your turn, Big Sissy.” Could that start a fight? Yes, it could, but when the choice is between being actually walked on and avoiding a possible fight, face the problem head-on–as calmly and as politely as you can, but head on. Pick your battles. If you’re not willing to eat the charge again, I’d pick that one. No one will enforce your boundaries if you don’t.

Good luck. Do it for your nieces and nephews, or offer it up for the Poor Souls. We’ll all probably be in there with them before we merit Eternal Bliss. May as well get started on the penances we deserve right now.
 
I agree with EasterJoy - you need to lower your expectations of your sister.
anon98328916 said:
I don’t know where to start really, I have four sisters and my oldest sister is very hard to get on with. She is married with children who I love so much and would do anything for. I think she has no respect for me whatsoever or cares about anything to do with my life. If I’m honest she has always been difficult to get on with but what has made me so annoyed and mad is she has so much respect for her sister in law and others (outsiders) and little or none for our parents or myself. It’s always been the case if we went to visit her we never knew if we would be welcome or not or what kind of mood she would be in the day we called. Our parents have always been so good to us all and would do anything for us, for a quiet life they say nothing when she behaves like this and they just say they are quite used to it now. I think it’s awful that they should have to put up with this. I think the older I’m getting the less I can put up with the way she treats us, though I know in my heart of hearts if I told her how hurt I have been by her behaviour she would probably have a terribly hurtful argument with me and worse again never speak to me again! and I would never see my nephews and nieces. A recent example is my nephews birthday at the end of September, she sent out invitations to us all and I was really looking forward to it but when we got their she was very distant with us and the look on her face she didn’t want us their. About 10 minutes after we arrived her sister in law arrived and she had a friendly welcome for her and asked her how she was and how her work is. I was so hurt and started to feel so mad I had to leave the room. Then she persisted to offend me by asking another one of our sisters and her sister in law to make sandwiches and I was standing their! I was getting very annoyed at this stage as I thought “why did she not ask myself as I am her sister”. I was very upset as the evening went on I stayed away from her but the awful reality is she didn’t even know or even realise she upset me. To top off the evening after everyone had left except our parents and myself she asked me to book a stay in a hotel for her as she was to busy to do it herself, I normally wouldn’t mind doing that for someone but she expects you to book it with your card and she never pays back the money she owes then. I felt so used and I thought she really does have that little respect for me. II have now reached the end of the line with her I don’t know what to do as I know if I said something it would be the end. I am thinking the next time I pray the rosary I will ask Our Lady for Her help and guidance and the best solution to this family problem. What do you think?
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Honestly, I think the problem is how you’re seeing each other. You’re viewing your sister as cold, moody and disrespectful and she’s probably sensing that from you which is feeding more into her own behaviour. She probably doesn’t enjoy family functions if she knows how you feel about her, and she probably welcomed her SIL with more cheer because her SIL doesn’t feel this way towards her. She probably feels obligated to invite you because you’re family rather than because she really wants to, which may be making her feel uncomfortable as well.

Being cold and not asking you to make sandwiches aren’t necessarily her snubbing you. They could be her own way of feeling more relaxed and comfortable in the situation - asking her SIL, who she feels more comfortable with, is a way of doing this.

About the money situation - I would keep gently reminding her that she has not paid you back until she does so. If you know she will not, do not offer to pay for her and decline if she asks you to pay.

As for the rest of it - as EasterJoy says, focus on your nephews and nieces. Don’t give out anything you will not receive in terms of affection or money. Put more time into the rest of your family, and if your sister wants to become a bigger part of it, let her initiate.

Lou
 
Lou2U said:
I agree with EasterJoy - you need to lower your expectations of your sister.

Honestly, I think the problem is how you’re seeing each other. You’re viewing your sister as cold, moody and disrespectful and she’s probably sensing that from you which is feeding more into her own behaviour. She probably doesn’t enjoy family functions if she knows how you feel about her, and she probably welcomed her SIL with more cheer because her SIL doesn’t feel this way towards her. She probably feels obligated to invite you because you’re family rather than because she really wants to, which may be making her feel uncomfortable as well.

Being cold and not asking you to make sandwiches aren’t necessarily her snubbing you. They could be her own way of feeling more relaxed and comfortable in the situation - asking her SIL, who she feels more comfortable with, is a way of doing this.

About the money situation - I would keep gently reminding her that she has not paid you back until she does so. If you know she will not, do not offer to pay for her and decline if she asks you to pay.

As for the rest of it - as EasterJoy says, focus on your nephews and nieces. Don’t give out anything you will not receive in terms of affection or money. Put more time into the rest of your family, and if your sister wants to become a bigger part of it, let her initiate.

Lou
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Mind you, I’m not (and I suspect we are not) discounting the real possibility that the sister is not only a cold fish but a gold-plated pain in the hind end to her whole family, lovely parents included, and yet treats her in-laws better than the OP had thought possible from her sister. That could be the case, and of course it stings. We’re only saying that a) this is very common and b) giving in to your understandable sense of resentment is the least productive way to cope with the situation. The best way to cope with this is to rise above it. When necessary, calmly and firmly enforce your boundaries. Let the rest go, and count on Heaven to reward this difficult but necessary act of penance.

I agree about the money. Find a low-key time to bring it up–as in, call her, don’t bring it up at a social gathering–and ask when you can expect to see the money you believe is owed to you. Be ready for a difference of opinion on the “balance sheet.” Just saying–we have been in families! As the old therapist’s saying goes, “A family can safely be characterized as clinically dysfunctional whenever it meets the standard of having more than one person in it.”
 
EasterJoy said:
Mind you, I’m not (and I suspect we are not) discounting the real possibility that the sister is not only a cold fish but a gold-plated pain in the hind end to her whole family, lovely parents included, and yet treats her in-laws better than the OP had thought possible from her sister. That could be the case, and of course it stings. We’re only saying that a) this is very common and b) giving in to your understandable sense of resentment is the least productive way to cope with the situation. The best way to cope with this is to rise above it. When necessary, calmly and firmly enforce your boundaries. Let the rest go, and count on Heaven to reward this difficult but necessary act of penance.
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I agree. OP, I didn’t mean to discount that in my original post, but reading it back, I didn’t actually mention it. I agree that your sister more than likely is the way EasterJoy describes her as. I have been in situations where I have been treated coldly, or I’ve been cool with others due to not feeling comfortable in a social environment, which could be possibly contributing to your sister’s behaviour.

Lou
 
I’m a strong believer in “the truth shall make you free”. I would find a quiet time, just the two of you, not during a family function and I would ask if she’s upset with you for some reason. Don’t go on about how awful you feel, just ask what you can do to make the relationship better. I know this is a hard thing for most people to do, but sometimes it helps to clear the air.

You might just discover that all this may be the result of one of your actions which though seemingly innocent to you, greatly upset her. As for using your credit card and not getting paid. That’s easy to deal with, just say I’d be glad to make the reservation, what’s your card number? If she says, can’t you use yours, just say you had your limit lowered to keep down expenses. Actually, lower your limit, it stops you from being a liar and helps save money.

Hope this helps.🙂
 
Origen52 said:
I’m a strong believer in “the truth shall make you free”. I would find a quiet time, just the two of you, not during a family function and I would ask if she’s upset with you for some reason. Don’t go on about how awful you feel, just ask what you can do to make the relationship better. I know this is a hard thing for most people to do, but sometimes it helps to clear the air.

You might just discover that all this may be the result of one of your actions which though seemingly innocent to you, greatly upset her. As for using your credit card and not getting paid. That’s easy to deal with, just say I’d be glad to make the reservation, what’s your card number? If she says, can’t you use yours, just say you had your limit lowered to keep down expenses. Actually, lower your limit, it stops you from being a liar and helps save money.

Hope this helps.🙂
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If the truth will make you free, then say right upfront why you want to use her card and not yours. You can’t have this both ways. It is prudent, however, to make your point in a way that recognizes that she may have forgotten or thought you were willingly covering the expense. Always put kindness and the benefit of the doubt ahead of honesty, for we are stingy with the first and do not have anything like as much of the latter as we like to think, frail humans that we are.

Remember the quote from Sun Tzu:
If you know your enemy and you know yourself you need not fear the results of a hundred battles. If you know yourself but not the enemy for every victory gained you will also suffer a defeat. If you know neither the enemy nor yourself you will succumb in every battle.

If it did not occur to the OP that her willingness to take offense at not being asked to help in some particular way might make *her, the OP, *seem difficult to her difficult sister, then she ought to consider that she does not know either herself or her sister well enough to plunge in and expect a good outcome from a “frank” talk. If she rushes in to a frank talk without first learning to see things the way her sister does or to consider how her own weaknesses might annoy her sister, she is very likely to be blind-sided at the difference between their points of view. It is not at all unlikely that someone will have her feelings mortally hurt.

I have had these kind of “conversations” go so badly I wanted to throw up afterwards. Fools rush in where angels fear to tread. Know where you are going before dashing forward where you might do harm by acting rashly or in ignorance of the whole picture. Words spoken in haste never seem to die. They live in the shadows, sucking the blood out of good relationships, the vampires of the world of memory.

PS I would not seek to understand this big picture from Mom or Dad. They are part of the picture, and not at all likely to be dispassionate observers with no dog in this fight.
 
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