Seriously questioning my beliefs

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AIPM1615

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Hi all.

I hope I found the right category to post this in.

A month ago, my best friend was in a motorcycle accident just days before I was due to visit (several states away). He sustained serious brain damage, and died in his mother’s arms barely a week later. 19 years old. I was actually driving to adoration when I received word that he passed. Shortly after, I flew in for the wake and funeral. This guy was my wingman, my closest confidant, like a brother. Gone.

I’ve experienced death before, though not of someone so close to me. It threw me into a tailspin that I’ve yet to recover from. My grades are sunk, work is a mess, and as the title implies, my faith is essentially non-existent. It’s not that I’m “mad at God” for taking my buddy, or scared that he’s burning in hell (the guy wasn’t religious, but his mom still called a priest, and he received last rites). I simply don’t believe. Not in God, not in eternal life, not in immortal souls. None of it. In fact, I find the idea ludicrous in many respects.

All of the traditional attributes of the soul–memory, consciousness, intellect, etc–have proven to be products of the brain. When the brain dies, we die, along with everything we’ve ever experienced in our time on earth. There is nothing to suggest we continue existing in some spiritual realm beyond the cosmos. I’ve seen most of the arguments (philosophy, NDEs, miracles, etc) and find them inconclusive, but this is by far the biggest roadblock for me.

Just a little background info about myself. I became Catholic when I was 9, and I’ve gone to church pretty consistently since then. About halfway through high school I began taking the faith seriously. After graduation I started driving 60 miles to the nearest Latin Mass each Sunday, where I served at the altar for the first time. The Rosary has been part of my daily routine for years, and the D.O. to some extent as well. My pastor is wonderful. Yet it wasn’t until my junior year of college, when my friend died, that I’ve felt serious doubt. I came to the realization I’ve always believed in the Church but not in Christ himself. I spewed theology and history without truly digesting what these things are supposed to convey. Now I’m reaping the fruit.

Losing both my best friend and my faith in one fell swoop is the worst thing that’s happened to me yet. It constantly occupies my mind, and I can’t find a way out. I’m falling into an endless pit of nihilism and despair. It’s terrifying alright, but what’s worse is the thought of dragging others down with me. My own mom is converting to Catholicism next week after a couple marriages and 50+ years of Protestant/New Age nonsense. How could I ever tell her I don’t believe?
 
Honestly, when one is grieving it’s a terrible time to make any rash decisions. Deciding to leave your faith is one of them.

You may need to seek a professional to help you manage your emotions. Then approach your issues with religion.
 
First of all, I’m so sorry for your loss.
I won’t give you any platitudes–you’re too raw, and your loss is too recent.
It’s very human and real and authentic to be shaken to the core by trauma and terrible loss, and as Christians we are to walk alongside each other and uplift each other, with prayer, and with tangible expressions. That’s why we have the customs of bringing food to the bereaved and condolence calls.
I will give the advice to not try to force any types of feelings in any way. To take good care of yourself, physically. To reach out to RL people who can offer you the comfort and strengthening you need.
I went through a very dark time after my dad died–questioned everything. God is not angered by our questions, He is not shocked or dismayed by the forms grief takes.
FWIW, I had to go back to the basics–the fundamental questions like, “does God even exist”. In my own case i found some good apologetics materials that pulled me through even when I wasn’t feeling it.

Again, I am so, so sorry. I will remember you and your dear friend and his mother in my prayers tonight.
:pray:t2::pray:t2::pray:t2:
 
I would bet that your mom knows exactly what the score is regarding you and your faith, and you don’t need to witness anything to her.

Your story is all part of the journey my friend. If a person goes through life without seriously questioning their beliefs, then their faith is hollow. Do whatever you need to do, follow your conscience. Don’t do anything because you think you are supposed to, you have to know why you’re doing things. Anyway, I could go on and on. I’m not a fan of trying to stop people from leaving. I think people are called out into the wilderness for a reason. There’s not necessarily any reason to fear it.
 
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It’s not surprising that you’re questioning your beliefs after experiencing something like that. I’m very sorry about your friend.

All I can tell you is think for yourself. I was raised catholic from birth. I’ve since left the church, but I believe in God. In my own way. And I don’t think God expects every single person to figure out Catholicism is the way to go. I’d argue God even expects and welcomes atheists. He did give us minds, after all.

Give yourself time to grieve and heal. Things will become a lot clearer once you’ve worked through it.
 
It is difficult to reconcile our image of God with the many evils we see that seem to be allowed.
 
The Protestant theologian Paul Tillich said that the fundamental crisis of our existence is whether we can find the courage to persist, the courage to affirm life in the midst of disaster and death – what he calls the “courage to be”. And this is how he explains it: “The courage to be is found in the God that appears when God disappears in the anxiety of doubt and fear.” His thought is that the God we imagine to exist is too easy, too “just so”, and utterly inadequate to address the terrible things that happen in life. The true God is none of those things, but is pretty much wholly other. When the God I know is completely lost to me, because it just seems obvious that He can’t exist, that this world is brutal, and that the world makes more sense without Him, THEN there is just the glimmer of possibility that Someone Else will show up.

I feel just a TAD bit similarly to you, right now, AIPM1615. I’ve been having trouble understanding some things in my life, although nothing as awful as my best friend dying. I cannot say that you “should” just swallow your doubts and persist in the faith. I don’t think that. But I hope that you will discover that your idea of God was always flawed, and that “behind” that God there is a Father who will show you His love at this time.
 
Would it help to think of God as someone within you rather than outside and beyond you?
 
Without going into details, let’s just say I have lost several people I dearly loved in upsetting/ traumatic ways.
When that happens, your brain and judgment become very unreliable. I was convinced after one of these deaths that I could just kill myself and it would be like stepping into the next room to go flying away with Deceased Loved One. This is not something I would consider doing in my right mind at the age I was at, and only a well-timed word from another friend jolted me back to reality before I messed up and really did something stupid.

You are not in a place right now to be making decisions about your faith or anything else. Also, I agree that your mom likely knows what’s on your mind without you having to tell her, and if she’s been on earth for 50 years then she probably knows a thing or three about grief and what it can do to a mind, even when you think you are feeling perfectly logical and all right.

I would suggest you find someone to talk to about this experience that will just let you talk and express and not be trying to convince you of this or that or change your mind. Could be a grief counselor, could be a bereavement group, could just be a non-judgmental friend or family member. If, after you’ve finished a reasonable grieving period of at least a year, you find you still have doubts relating to faith, you can address them at that time. It may be that they just resolve themselves as you get further along in your grieving, but right now, your emotions have just taken what amounts to a KO punch to the jaw and that affects your ability to logically think now too.

I will pray for you. God bless.
 
CONTINUED:

I so badly want to believe. You have no idea. But no matter how much I pray, or read, or think, I can’t. I’m the fool of Psalm 53, because I say in my heart there is no God. I truly feel that death is the end. The other explanations are emotional pandering at best.

I’m sorry for this drawn-out post. I’ve really needed to get it off my chest. If anyone has some advice for me I’m all ears. Anything, honestly, at this point. I’m not sure I can take much more. Please pray for me. Whether I’m just experiencing a “dark night of the soul” or finally coming to my senses I don’t know. If God is real, I so badly need his help.

Pax Domini.
Spencer
 
I will be praying for you and the repose of the soul of your friend.
You mentioned that you used to pray the rosary. Go back to the loving arms of our mother, she knows what it is like to mourn, she knows the pain you are feeling. Turn to her and ask her to lead you and comfort you. The Glorious Mysteries of the rosary are only possible because of the Sorrowful. Ask Mary to lead you through them.
 
Two things have helped me in exceptionally trying times.

The first is to sit in church, alone, and let all of that junk out. I’ve written long “letters” to God before venting all of my anger, my frustratuon, my confusion. It doesn’t have to be in church; I think we all have at least one place outside of church where we have felt or do feel connected to God in a special way. This is kind of like when your friend wants relationship advice and he spills his guts to you and your advice is “Now go tell her everything you just told me.” Put it all out in the open with God, even if it takes days. All the while, in the back if my head I repeat “I believe, help my unbelief.”

The second thing comes from Stephen King. He uses a phrase from an old novel throughout the book IT: “He thrusts his fists against the posts and still insists he sees the ghosts.” Sometimes, even though I know I believe, I don’t believe. And I know it’s a passing thing, a trial or temptation. And I just have to insist I see the ghosts. It’s kind of like being a dad; there are plenty of days I don’t want to change a diaper or make a grilled cheese or play with my kids after I’ve worked all day, but I do those things- I insist I see the ghosts. That’s not to say you need to force yourself to believe or just shut down the critical part of your brain (although it kind of sounds like it, I realize). No one wants you to be robot, least of all God.

I’m sorry I can’t be of more help. Take care, and move slowly. Grief has a way of activating the fight or flight response, and that affects our decision making.
 
He’s real. He’s there for you even when you can’t feel it. Wanting to believe is half the battle but stop trying to force yourself. You already hurt from the death. Don’t make yourself hurt worse by struggling with your nonbelief at this time.

I would suggest just going to Adoration and sitting in His presence. You don’t even have to pray. Just sit. If you feel you’ve had enough and need to leave, then leave, but go back another time.

Just be open to God. Just leave the door of your heart open and eventually you will again feel the wind of His presence. I hope talking on this forum helps you get some of it off your chest. Please do find someone in real life to talk to, as I said. I will pray for you.
 
We must pray and read the Bible. If we don’t feel like it then all the more reason to pray/read the Bible! Satan is the one planting seeds of doubt in your mind. Ignore all doubting thoughts. Even if “science” “proves” stuff contrary to the real Truth, ignore what “science” says because anything contrary to the Truth is from Satan. God gave us the REAL TRUTH. Anything contrary to God’s Truth is a pathetic lie from Satan.

Read the Bible and pray frequently. If you don’t feel like doing it, go the extra mile and read an extra chapter or pray another Rosary. Offer it up as a prayer and/or as penance.

Remember, Satan will do anything to try to lead us away from the Truth. Ignore Satan’s pathetic attempts and show him that he’s just as worthless as a bit of torn toilet paper on the floor in a public restroom. 👍

I’d also recommend getting a good and easy to read Catechism, such as the Baltimore Catechism, which isn’t written like a boring lawyer book. That way you can learn more about the faith with ease. As with everything, if there’s something you don’t want to do, offer it up as prayer and penance!
 
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Melodeonist said:
Satan is the one planting seeds of doubt in your mind. Ignore all doubting thoughts. Even if “science” “proves” stuff contrary to the real Truth, ignore what “science” says because anything contrary to the Truth is from Satan. God gave us the REAL TRUTH. Anything contrary to God’s Truth is a pathetic lie from Satan.
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Let’s translate: "Do not ever doubt. If your senses contradict what you plainly see, pluck out your eyes. Become blind. Become stupid. Follow the three monkeys. Blind faith is beautiful! " What a horrible suggestion. 😦
 
Scowler said:
Let’s translate: "Do not ever doubt. If your senses contradict what you plainly see, pluck out your eyes. Become blind. Become stupid. Follow the three monkeys. Blind faith is beautiful! " What a horrible suggestion
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I think this is somewhat unfair, but I agree with you, Scowler, that the claim that “doubt is a sin” is circular and unhelpful. It is a manifestation of insecurity. If there is reason to believe in God, then we have nothing to fear from asking questions and addressing our doubts with rational investigation. I would suggest that prayer is another way to address them, and that we can both investigate and pray at the same time.
 
Jesus tells us to come to him like a child. Blind faith is good faith. Why doubt the Truth? That’s as ridiculous as doubting that 2+2=4. No matter what 2+2=4. Thus, the Truth is always the Truth and the Truth never changes. Easy peasy.
 
Melodeonist said:
Jesus tells us to come to him like a child. Blind faith is good faith. Why doubt the Truth? That’s as ridiculous as doubting that 2+2=4. No matter what 2+2=4. Thus, the Truth is always the Truth and the Truth never changes. Easy peasy.
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grief is nothing easy peasy on the other side. I would argue that you simply have a lack of life experience with that, which is not your fault, but the OP´s problem won´t be solved with pressure, but with trust “out of the chaos”.
 
Well, I’m speaking from a logical point of view. Emotions don’t change the fact that 2+2 will always = 4. We may feel that 2+2=22 but that’s just wrong. We can’t let our feelings get in the way of the Truth. When we run into a rough patch we need to turn to God even more, by increasing our prayers (especially for the person who died.) 🤷‍♂️
 
Melodeonist said:
Well, I’m speaking from a logical point of view. Emotions don’t change the fact that 2+2 will always = 4. We may feel that 2+2=22 but that’s just wrong. We can’t let our feelings get in the way of the Truth. When we run into a rough patch we need to turn to God even more, by increasing our prayers (especially for the person who died.) 🤷‍♂️
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Please go back and read my post about how a major death impacts your logic as well as your emotion.
I realize you mean well, but you appear to have a complete lack of life experience in a very sensitive area under discussion here.
I sincerely hope you do not pop off with this stuff to anyone who is grieving, because to be very honest, it is these type of “easy” platitudes in a crisis time that turn people off religion.
 
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