Servile fear replacing Filial Fear

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scrupulousrvrt

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I’ve made an appointment for Confession Tomorrow (after i reschedueled it from today).
I’m starting to feel like Servile Fear is replacing filial fear, especially one night when i truck was going down the street which made the house rumble and it made me think that the Parousia was happening and i wasn’t in a state of Sanctifying Grace at the time. This triggered an on-going almost perpetual state of fear in me even when i’m in a state of grace. i’ve even etertained doubts if i was truly forgiven or not. i’ve engaged in risky behavior to calm my nerves (ones having to do with impurity and killing brain/liver cells). I’ve prayed an Act of Perfect Contrition but seriously doubted it was even efficacious. I don’t know what to do other than confess my impiety/sins and hope for the best because Despair/Panic is breaking down the door of my soul.
 
Go to confession tomorrow. Tell him what is going on. Do what he tells you. It will be ok.
 
I hope you are also seeking some help other than spriitual for this fear you have.

It is not normal for a person hearing a truck coming down the street which causes the house to rumble to immediately think the Second Coming is imminent.
I have been in an earthquake that made my entire building shake and I didn’t even think “Oh no, Second Coming!” at that time. I thought, “Earthquake is happening.”

You should not be self-medicating with whatever is “killing brain/ liver cells”, or committing impurity to cope. Please see a professional. If you need medication he can prescribe you something.
 
God isn’t impressed with our over-scrupulosity; He tells us not to be anxious in fact. Fear of God is only the beginning of wisdom, and is meant to transition to love as we grow in faith and knowledge of God. Excessive scrupulosity is really only another side of pride, not of humility, and so it opposes God by its nature, actually keeping us from growing into any real communion/relationship with Him. It’s a form of legalism, thinking we should be impressing God with our self-made “perfection”, as opposed to the perfection that begins to blossom as pride and fear are “cast out” and increasingly replaced by love. St Basil of Cesarea painted a pretty good picture of how this works:

"If we turn away from evil out of fear of punishment, we are in the position of slaves. If we pursue the enticement of wages, . . . we resemble mercenaries. Finally if we obey for the sake of the good itself and out of love for him who commands . . . we are in the position of children."
 
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