Setting boundaries

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Anglewannabe

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I am usually pretty good at setting boundaries in the sense I have no problem politely speasking up. However, not everyone HEARS them. And I am in a bit of a pickle right now because I am about to blow my lid at a few people. I like these people and they are great friends. But this one boundary they are not respecting is starting to build so much anger in me, I am about to tell them where to go.

To make a long story short, whenever we are together, they ask about a certain aspect of my life. To which I always say ‘I would prefer not to talk about this’. I might as well talk to the walls because they just continue to talk about it and half the time I cave and end up talking about it or the other half I silently look down (they probably see the anger in my face) and they make comments like ‘Common, we want to hear about it’

I am starting to wonder if they are purposely asking because secretly they get a kick out of hurting me. I doubt it because in other ways they are very loving Catholics but I have to wonder.

My fear is next time they ask, I will blow my lid. I just don’t know how to be any clearer than ‘I don’t want to talk about it please quit asking’ They always come up with an annoying response like ‘Well I am trying to help’ or ‘why not’

Any suggestions?

Angie
 
It’s hard not to let it upset you, but try this – try thinking of it as a game. Who can stand their ground longer, me or them? How many times will I have to say “No, I don’t care to talk about it” in the next ten minutes? (give yourself a reward if you guess right).

But seriously, they’re not really such “great friends” if they keep pushing this after you’ve clearly said “no.” I’d be cutting back on time spent with them. Severely. True friends respect your wishes.
 
Miss Manners said that the response people deserve when they impertinently ask a woman when she is going to have a baby is for her burst into tears and run from the room. Polite society does not have the time of day for nosy people. In Thessalonians, it says this: We hear that some are conducting themselves among you in a disorderly way, by not keeping busy but minding the business of others. Such people we instruct and urge in the Lord Jesus Christ to work quietly and to eat their own food. St. Paul did not have much patience for busybodies, either.

I would not choose to blow a gasket. I’d stare them down with the most incredulous* “REALLY?” *kind of look I could muster. If they have any sense, they’ll cut it out. If they persist with the “C’mon”, I would get up and leave. They don’t need another explanation, and they do not deserve one. If they come after you just be very clear: “I don’t know how many ways there are to say ‘Mind Your Own Business.’ You don’t get it, so I’m going to go somewhere where people do.” And after that, do not say anything except, “Do you get it, or not?” If yes, you get an apology and a promise to shape up. If they don’t, then you simply quit having anything to do with them until they do.
 
If these “friends” continue to make you talk about things you’re uncomfortable talking about, it may be time to re-evaluate those friendships!

On the OTHER hand, unless they are forcing you by threat to divulge this information that you don’t want to talk about, you can always refuse to speak about it, get up and walk away, leave the room, leave the area, etc.
 
Agreeing with others that you need to decide if you really don’t want to talk about it, that may mean going without these people’s company for awhile if that is possible.

Is this thing that you don’t want to talk about something that will end? If so,can you avoid the noisy folk until afterwards?

If this is a situation that can be talked about forever and you don’t think you’ll ever want to talk about it, I’d warn them that you may have to cut off the friendship over this if they can’t Mind Their Own Business.

Of course if the noisy people are your family you may not want to take that path. If they are your co-workers you may want to tell your boss how uncomfortable their prying is.
 
EasterJoy said:
Miss Manners said that the response people deserve when they impertinently ask a woman when she is going to have a baby is for her burst into tears and run from the room.
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Ironically, people ask me this all the time! Even at work! I think they think it is some sort of joke for newly weds. Meanwhile, a coworker is going to have a baby soon and the reaction is alot of shaking the heads, clicking tongues, and, “Didn’t she JUST have one?”
 
You are fortunate you are able to speak up and set boundaries clearly. I used to have “friends” who would do things like this to me, and when I would get upset they would act like they did nothing or I was the “one with the problem” when it was never about blame to begin with.

My friends ended up not being very good people, but yours may simply be misguided or repeating behavior they are unaware of. It does sound like you want to keep your friendships so I would suggest follow through. If you tell them you do not want to talk about it, and they persist, then follow through with consequences. Either immediately leave the situation in which you are uncomfortable and do not talk with them or see them until you are no longer angry and willing to give it another shot, or after seeing them do not accept social plans with them again until you are calm. If they ask why you do not want to see them or talk to them then tell the truth - that you are uncomfortable with friends who do not respect your boundaries. I hope this helps!

God Bless
 
Lady_Love said:
Maybe they just don’t want you to “go it alone.”
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I think there is a lot to your statement. And I do believe that some of them genuinly want to help. One friend told me they were praying for me about it.

However, I don’t think these people understand their good intentions to help are one thing. Their ability to help is another. They end up saying things that hurt me and humiliate me and do NOT for a minute realize how insensitive their comments are. I doubt they have been in my shoes so I seriously doubt they have any idea how cruel some of their statments are.

Also, these people are a LOT more open than me. I will see a married couple discuss things that IMO you wait until you are alone, such as financial details that I just don’t think should be talked about when the whole gang is together hangning out. So I don’t think they understand how someone could be private like me.

Angie
 
Allegra said:
Ironically, people ask me this all the time! Even at work! I think they think it is some sort of joke for newly weds. Meanwhile, a coworker is going to have a baby soon and the reaction is alot of shaking the heads, clicking tongues, and, “Didn’t she JUST have one?”
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After musing on what they really deserve, Miss Manners suggests that this question should be met with a disbelieving and disapproving brow and the response “I beg your pardon?” If they don’t get that they are in the wrong, you just repeat until they finally get it.
 
Anglewannabe said:
I am usually pretty good at setting boundaries in the sense I have no problem politely speasking up. However, not everyone HEARS them. And I am in a bit of a pickle right now because I am about to blow my lid at a few people. I like these people and they are great friends. But this one boundary they are not respecting is starting to build so much anger in me, I am about to tell them where to go.

To make a long story short, whenever we are together, they ask about a certain aspect of my life. To which I always say ‘I would prefer not to talk about this’. I might as well talk to the walls because they just continue to talk about it and half the time I cave and end up talking about it or the other half I silently look down (they probably see the anger in my face) and they make comments like ‘Common, we want to hear about it’

I am starting to wonder if they are purposely asking because secretly they get a kick out of hurting me. I doubt it because in other ways they are very loving Catholics but I have to wonder.

My fear is next time they ask, I will blow my lid. I just don’t know how to be any clearer than ‘I don’t want to talk about it please quit asking’ They always come up with an annoying response like ‘Well I am trying to help’ or ‘why not’

Any suggestions?

Angie
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I say tell them in a more frank way because when people do that they are secretly trying to hurt you or get a secret pleasure from someone else’s pain or discomfort. 😦 They know good and well that you don’t want to discuss it, and they know why, they just get a pleasure out of making you angry or uncomfortable. :sad_yes: then try to cover it up with “I’m only trying to help you, or I’m just concerned about you.” That’s part of the pschological games people like to play at others’ expense. :sad_yes:
 
Ok, I want to update the situation. I spoke to a couple of the people privately. One is more willing to listen and apologized for having hurt my feelings and promised not to do it again. I have not seen this person since so I will give the benefit of the doubt.

The other lady I spoke with said she would stop asking as well. The thing is about this lady, I don’t think she comprehends why it is a soft spot (Mainly because it is something she NEVER faced before and is one of those people who doesn’t sympathyse unless she has been there), but I have seen her again and she did not ask. So that is probably all I can ask for

There is another lady I still need to talk to. And to be honest, even if she did apologize, I doubt I want to trust her again. Mainly because she is the one who is always telling me what I need to do (as if she is an expert) and because of what I know of her, I think she is a hurt puppy who needs to put others down to feel good about herself. I am not looking forward to the conversation and I really feel like I no longer even want to talk about the wheather with this lady since she hurt me so bad.

I guess I am a bit on pins and needles until the conversation happens

Angie
 
My impression is that people who ignore your earlier warnings and requests count on a bit of polite fiction, i.e. that you’ll pretend they haven’t already been asked to drop the act (or subject). I’d let them know I’m not playing that game, by just weaving the information in: “I believe we’ve already talked about that./ I told you I didn’t want to talk, last time you asked, didn’t I?” Finally, you can just call them on it: name the behaviour, say the number of times or the length it’s been going on.
 
Angie, I’m glad you were finally heard by a couple of the people. May i suggest, in future when someone asks you to discuss something that you don’t want to discuss, tell them, “I’m sorry, I can’t discuss that.” It does not matter why you can’t. It could be that you can’t because they can’t help you, or that you’d feel uncomfortable or they wont respect your feelings or it’s none of their business. The important thing is that you can’t. If they press you for more, keep repeating matter of factly, “I just can’t.” This works for saying “no” as well. You don’t owe anyone an explanation.

Don’t give people mixed messages by sometimes talking about it and sometimes not. It is not impolite to stick to your guns. 🙂 just say NO!
 
One response that is very effective is to ask, “Why would you ask me that?” It turns it back on them. Then you can repeat their reply back to them. “Oh. You thought I might want to talk about it.” And subject over. You look off as if the subject no longer interests you. Play “relaxed and bored”. A moment of awkwardness when they ask should help them not to ask again.
 
I was in this situation for a while and it was awful. I didn’t want to talk about it and my friends would always bring it up. I think a part of it was genuine concern and willingness to help (some people believe that talking about a problem over and over and over again is helpful), and a part of it was curiosity since it was a juicy story and good gossip material. I almost ended a couple of friendships over it because they just wouldn’t stop discussing it.

So at one point I said to a very persistent friend that nothing new happened since the last time we spoke. The person dropped it and looked surprised. I don’t know what it was, maybe the way I said it. I started using the same sentence with other friends and had good results. Now and then it would be mentioned and I would just shrug, say ‘nothing new to report’, then would stay silent for a second and changed the topic.

I’m not being harrased about it anymore. Plus, I have reached a stage where it doesn’t bother me to talk about it briefly when someone asks.

Just find that magic sentence that will shut them up and use it until the story becomes yesterday’s news.
 
Anglewannabe said:
Ok, I want to update the situation. I spoke to a couple of the people privately. One is more willing to listen and apologized for having hurt my feelings and promised not to do it again. I have not seen this person since so I will give the benefit of the doubt.

The other lady I spoke with said she would stop asking as well. The thing is about this lady, I don’t think she comprehends why it is a soft spot (Mainly because it is something she NEVER faced before and is one of those people who doesn’t sympathyse unless she has been there), but I have seen her again and she did not ask. So that is probably all I can ask for

There is another lady I still need to talk to. And to be honest, even if she did apologize, I doubt I want to trust her again. Mainly because she is the one who is always telling me what I need to do (as if she is an expert) and because of what I know of her, I think she is a hurt puppy who needs to put others down to feel good about herself. I am not looking forward to the conversation and I really feel like I no longer even want to talk about the wheather with this lady since she hurt me so bad.

I guess I am a bit on pins and needles until the conversation happens

Angie
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I don’t know that I’d think of Lady #3 in terms of “trusting her”. I would in the sense that I’d know that this is not someone to tell about my plans if I just want to mull them over and don’t want to be given instructions about how to live my life that I will be expected to follow as a condition of having asked her. I mean that when you learn what to expect from people, then you accept that this is where they are, and try not to take it too personally. Learn the kinds of responses that she typically produces in response to a particular stimulus, and adjust what you expect of her and do with her accordingly. Sometimes when someone hurts us, it is a direct attack and it is about us. Most of the time when others offend us, though, it has nothing to do with us.

Let us say that someone who was colorblind had been picking colors for you. Not surprisingly, they like the result, while you think it is hideous. Anyone with any sense of color thinks it is hideous. You think this person must hate you, but then you look around at the colors they choose, and it hits you: According to their senses, those color combinations look fine. Aha moment!

If the person doesn’t understand the concept of “colorblind” or gets defensive about it or can’t accept that she’s hopeless with colors, you don’t belabor that point. You just say, “don’t choose the color. Just read the color printed on the can and match it to the name of the paint I chose. That is all I ask.” You just outline what you need from her, and you don’t discuss the whys of it. You just say, “because it is my house you’re painting, so humor me.” So if she tries to tell you that what she is saying is really right and you are too sensitive, you say something to the effect of, “Well, it hurts my feelings, so humor me. Don’t ask about it any more, and whether or not you approve, that’s not negotiable. We’re not getting into who’s right or wrong here. When I’m the topic, I get to draw the boundary lines. Just do as I ask.”

Now, in some terms you may be doing exactly the same thing–that is, never letting her in on any of the details of your life, because she has a reputation with you of overstepping her boundaries with her advice–but in another sense, not. The difference is that you’re choosing to see that maybe she’s doing the best she can. That’s not your worry. I think if you cut her out of your decision-making loop, don’t feel any need to explain or apologize when she notices and complains, and you feel good about that, you’ll find her much easier to tolerate.
 
Well… I had the conversation with lady #3 and it went as I expected. Not good. But I am relieved it is over with.

Basically, I called her and told her the other day when she asked about XYZ it hurt me and could she please not ask that anymore. She was surprised and said ‘Isn’t that just part of normal conversation to ask these things’ to which I replied ‘no it isn’t. If it hurts me you should not ask’

Then I proceeded to tell her ‘The other day when we went for coffee I opened up my hear to you about this point and realized that it is not something you can help me with and think it is best if you don’t ask’ I told her that when we talked about it, I felt like she was lecturing me like a kid telling me everything I needed to do.

She told me she was offended because I was the one who asked for her opinion. I said ‘No, I asked for your listening ears, not your opinion. You are right, I am the one who brought it up, I took a risk and talked about it and now I am realizing, it was a mistake and I should not bring it up again.’

She said she was offended that I was saying these things. I did not know what to say but I was thinking in the back of my mind, a good person would want to listen to get to know me and my boundaries. Not get offended at my setting a boundary and try to convince me their comments are good when I find them hurtful.

I asked her if I could give her another example to which she said yes. And I told her about a time I stated a personal preference over a trivial matter and she rolled her eyes at me saying ‘That is not how I would do it’ I told her I did not like her rolling her eyes at me over something I do that has not effect on her whatsoever

She said ‘All my comments and body language are normal’. In the back of my mind, I take that to mean she is just one of those people who does not want to be confronted and look at herself.

When I tried to explain where I was coming from she just said ‘I don’t want to argue’ so I lft it at that.

She went on to say she enjoyed the friendship we were starting to have and she has been there a few times for me but now she just wants it superficial. And I agreed to that and we hung up

To be honest, I am not surprised. She does strike me as the type who likes to be all knowing and argue over little points.

Angie
 
Prayers. Making and losing friends is hard. I think you did the right thing by getting that off your chest.
 
Wait…she was asking you about an issue that you’d previously disclosed to her out of your own initiative? And then she’s supposed to know not to bring it up again later?

Hmmm. Are you someone who *does *want to be confronted and look at herself?
Reverie said:
Prayers. Making and losing friends is hard. I think you did the right thing by getting that off your chest.
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I’m sure the OP did not relate every word of the call, but based on the little that she did relate, I’m not so sure that this call was done in a way that left reconciliation and mutual understanding as a likely outcome.
 
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