Setting healthy boundaries with mother

[fourwindsgirl]

I’m dealing with some family drama that I need help getting through. My Mom and my sister have this relationship that I am so jealous of. My Mom and I used to be best friends, but ever since I moved back, it’s like she lost respect for me and “traded me in”. She started to pick fights with me, run me down, look at me like I was a stranger. She started lying to me about stupid stuff, her and my sister have secret talks and talk behind my back. I even overheard my mom tell my sister “you and I never get to do anything by ourselves anymore since she came back.” That hurt me worse than anything ever has. I just wanted to finally spend time with them but now I feel like I’m in the way and not wanted. The way my mom talks to her, you’d think she was talking to the Queen. With me, it’s like she’s so mad at me. I did nothing wrong and yet I feel like I don’t belong in the family anymore. I started keeping everything to myself, because all my Mom does is gossip about me to everyone. I don’t trust her enough to tell her anything anymore. I’m so sick of the fakiness, the disrespect. I started a new job and I want to save some money before I get my own place. I wish I could move out right now but I can’t yet. I try to talk to my mom but she gets so mad and defensive. She turns it all around on me and tries to make me feel bad. I’m at my wit’s end. My sister can do no wrong, and I’m just the black sheep. I feel so worthless and sad. Sometimes I wish I could just disappear and God would take me. I don’t know what to do and I don’t know how to set boundaries.

 

[ClearWater]

I’m dealing with some family drama that I need help getting through. My Mom and my sister have this relationship that I am so jealous of. My Mom and I used to be best friends, but ever since I moved back, it’s like she lost respect for me and “traded me in”. She started to pick fights with me, run me down, look at me like I was a stranger. She started lying to me about stupid stuff, her and my sister have secret talks and talk behind my back. I even overheard my mom tell my sister “you and I never get to do anything by ourselves anymore since she came back.” That hurt me worse than anything ever has. I just wanted to finally spend time with them but now I feel like I’m in the way and not wanted. The way my mom talks to her, you’d think she was talking to the Queen. With me, it’s like she’s so mad at me. I did nothing wrong and yet I feel like I don’t belong in the family anymore. I started keeping everything to myself, because all my Mom does is gossip about me to everyone. I don’t trust her enough to tell her anything anymore. I’m so sick of the fakiness, the disrespect. I started a new job and I want to save some money before I get my own place. I wish I could move out right now but I can’t yet. I try to talk to my mom but she gets so mad and defensive. She turns it all around on me and tries to make me feel bad. I’m at my wit’s end. My sister can do no wrong, and I’m just the black sheep. I feel so worthless and sad. Sometimes I wish I could just disappear and God would take me. I don’t know what to do and I don’t know how to set boundaries.

I guess you can try to set boundaries, but given the lying and other dynamics you mentioned, I don’t know how much good it would do.

If I were in that situation, I’d probably be trying to avoid family as much as possible, looking to others for support I couldn’t get from family.

I think it’s good you are trying to find your own place. If I were on the receiving end of that, I wouldn’t feel very welcome, either.

Are there any friends or other relatives you can go to, now, for support? Can you join some groups?

 

[AussieTrish]

Dear girl you wouldn’t be human if you weren’t hurt by this immature and atrocious behavior towards you.

I hope you realize that to be welcomed by them may not be worth as much as you think if this is the way they treat you, or treat anyone. It’s not about love, it’s about people using each other. You deserve to be loved, and you mother doesn’t seem to be very good at loving. If she cannot, then please try not to let it bother you, and above all, don’t let your mother or sister see they are hurting you. Don’t give them that satisfaction.

Find strength and peace within yourself and resolve not to be part of the cruel games. Just be courteous as you would be to any person.

I hope you will be able to move soon. :grouphug:

 

[Legend]

If you could, it might help us to know your age, those of your mom and sister, why you left, came back, etc. But it seems that the biggest problem is your jealousy. Unless your mother and sister have a sudden change of heart, which is not likely, you must take care of yourself. If you have sympathetic friends and relatives, turn to them. If not, try and make new friends;volunteer, join in church activities,and in other interests. You may even share interests with your mom and sister. Can you take classes, or instruction in arts, crafts, anything you’re interested in? The more you learn to do, the more you interest other people with similar interests. And learn to enjoy yourself.

 

[robwar]

I’m dealing with some family drama that I need help getting through. My Mom and my sister have this relationship that I am so jealous of. My Mom and I used to be best friends, but ever since I moved back, it’s like she lost respect for me and “traded me in”. She started to pick fights with me, run me down, look at me like I was a stranger. She started lying to me about stupid stuff, her and my sister have secret talks and talk behind my back. I even overheard my mom tell my sister “you and I never get to do anything by ourselves anymore since she came back.” That hurt me worse than anything ever has. I just wanted to finally spend time with them but now I feel like I’m in the way and not wanted. The way my mom talks to her, you’d think she was talking to the Queen. With me, it’s like she’s so mad at me. I did nothing wrong and yet I feel like I don’t belong in the family anymore. I started keeping everything to myself, because all my Mom does is gossip about me to everyone. I don’t trust her enough to tell her anything anymore. I’m so sick of the fakiness, the disrespect. I started a new job and I want to save some money before I get my own place. I wish I could move out right now but I can’t yet. I try to talk to my mom but she gets so mad and defensive. She turns it all around on me and tries to make me feel bad. I’m at my wit’s end. My sister can do no wrong, and I’m just the black sheep. I feel so worthless and sad. Sometimes I wish I could just disappear and God would take me. I don’t know what to do and I don’t know how to set boundaries.

First of all, there is no way total strangers on the internet can fairly judge what is going on between you, your mom and your sister. Likewise, you mentioned that you were away and now home (I am assuming that you were away at college?). Sometimes when ones has been away but then moves back home, there are changes in you as well your family and since everyone has changed or grown, there are some natural conflicts and adjustments because the previous way of “doing business” needs to changes. But again there is no way anyone here can judge that. Since you did admit to jeolousy, I think that the best things for you is to focus on dealing with that instead of asking strangers on the internet to take sides in family conflict. You should likewise talk to someone you trust that may actually knows you, your mom and sister to be a fair judge of what is going on.

 

[PaulfromIowa]

Don’t argue with your mother. Don’t say anything to “make her defensive.” Don’t be jealous of your sister’s relationship with her. Just wish them the best. They may always have a closer relationship with each other than with you and you just have to accept that.

You should seek out a counselor or mentor to help with life issues and decisions. Make a plan to find your own place.

Have a happy Easter and wish your family the best.