Setting up boundaries with new baby on the way

[AClaire11]

My SIL is a textbook narcissist and has been cut off from us for over a year now, though we limited contact with her before then. She’s not only personally victimized me in the past, but has treated DH horribly and been extremely rude to her parents in front of me. Her parents either don’t see anything wrong with her behavior or choose to ignore it. MIL is constantly telling us how great SIL is and bragging about her, and she and FIL do not agree with her being cut off.

We’re expecting a baby in a few months, and I feel extremely uncomfortable with the idea of SIL even getting pictures of her after all the hateful things she’s done. I’m not sure that DH has the same bad gut feeling I do, but he’s agreed that it would be best if she did not receive any pictures of our baby. FIL has obliviously suggested that we have SIL come down to help out when the baby comes so I know they still don’t really get it and laying down an ultimatum that they not forward any pictures to her will not go over well. I also can’t think of any way to stop them, since pictures sent over facebook, email, and texting can be forwarded, physical pictures can be given away or copied, and they could just give her the password to any photo website we set up. On the other hand, I don’t think it’s reasonable to not send any pictures at all.

Is there any way we can word our request not to share pictures with SIL that will convey the seriousness of our wishes without offending his parents? Or any feasible way to give them pictures that cannot be shared?

 

[Xantippe]

My SIL is a textbook narcissist and has been cut off from us for over a year now, though we limited contact with her before then. She’s not only personally victimized me in the past, but has treated DH horribly and been extremely rude to her parents in front of me. Her parents either don’t see anything wrong with her behavior or choose to ignore it. MIL is constantly telling us how great SIL is and bragging about her, and she and FIL do not agree with her being cut off.

We’re expecting a baby in a few months, and I feel extremely uncomfortable with the idea of SIL even getting pictures of her after all the hateful things she’s done. I’m not sure that DH has the same bad gut feeling I do, but he’s agreed that it would be best if she did not receive any pictures of our baby. FIL has obliviously suggested that we have SIL come down to help out when the baby comes so I know they still don’t really get it and laying down an ultimatum that they not forward any pictures to her will not go over well. I also can’t think of any way to stop them, since pictures sent over facebook, email, and texting can be forwarded, physical pictures can be given away or copied, and they could just give her the password to any photo website we set up. On the other hand, I don’t think it’s reasonable to not send any pictures at all.

Is there any way we can word our request not to share pictures with SIL that will convey the seriousness of our wishes without offending his parents? Or any feasible way to give them pictures that cannot be shared?

Snapchat?

Honestly, I think you’re not going to win this one, unless you’re willing to cut off your in-laws, too.

If SIL is on good terms with your parents-in-law, photos are going to be passed on.

 

[pensmama87]

Snapchat?

Honestly, I think you’re not going to win this one, unless you’re willing to cut off your in-laws, too.

If SIL is on good terms with your parents-in-law, photos are going to be passed on.

Yeah.

Unless you think SIL is going to do something nefarious with the photos, I wouldn’t pursue an attempt to prevent her from seeing them.

 

[Anglewannabe]

Snapchat?

Honestly, I think you’re not going to win this one, unless you’re willing to cut off your in-laws, too.

If SIL is on good terms with your parents-in-law, photos are going to be passed on.

Agreed, the only way to ensure SIL does not see any picture of your baby is to make sure no picture of your baby is even taken.

I would however tell MIL and FIL point blank SIL is not coming anywhere near my baby

 

[PaulfromIowa]

What is the purpose of trying to stop the SIL from seeing pictures of the baby? Are you afraid that she is going to try to do something to the baby or are you just trying to punish her for past misdeeds?

 

[AClaire11]

What is the purpose of trying to stop the SIL from seeing pictures of the baby? Are you afraid that she is going to try to do something to the baby or are you just trying to punish her for past misdeeds?

Since she has treated us so terribly, she has lost the right to be involved in our lives or see private pictures of our children. I also think I, as a parent, have the right to say who can and cannot possess pictures of my children. And I can’t get this image out of my head of her looking at the pictures and sneering and saying awful things. I’m not worried about her doing anything to the baby. The worst I can imagine her doing is posting the pictures on a blog or her twitter and saying mean things.

 

[LaughingBoy1503]

Since she has treated us so terribly, she has lost the right to be involved in our lives or see private pictures of our children. I also think I, as a parent, have the right to say who can and cannot possess pictures of my children. And I can’t get this image out of my head of her looking at the pictures and sneering and saying awful things. I’m not worried about her doing anything to the baby. The worst I can imagine her doing is posting the pictures on a blog or her twitter and saying mean things.

You are giving her too much power by going out of your way to try to make sure she does not even see a picture of your baby. I think you will be more at peace if you do not worry about it.

Some people are going to talk trash about things we hold dear to us no matter what.

You can make the request that no pictures of your baby ever be shown to this woman, but you are the one that is going to seem like the crazy one. I would just let it go.

 

[SecretGarden]

Jesus taught us to forgive others. That said, you can limit the photos you send by electronic means. You can also limit the amount of photos you send to individuals who might go against your wishes and pass them along to family members who you do not desire contact with. But you really can’t stop it without making yourself look bad. Your best bet on a personal level is to limit contact with this person.

Once the baby is born: as to her wishing to help you, you can make gentle excuses saying that you really don’t need the help or the help that you do need is already being covered. I suggest that you pray for her. You can limit opportunities of her seeing you and the baby. She doesn’t have to be invited to the baptism and other special events. You can limit special family moments to those who you really wish to attend. For example, because baptisms are generally public, you can’t prevent her from attending the church but you can prevent her from attending the reception afterwords.

If she approaches you to why she is not invited to the reception, you can tell her because of past experiences, you feel it would less stressful for everyone if she wasn’t invited.

If she pushes, quietly say: for the sake of peace, you are not invited. You can also say perhaps we can meet some other time while making excuses so that it doesn’t happen. You can simply put off the visit until she realizes that it will not happen.

In regards to social media, I know many parents who do not publish photos of their children. If the family pushes, you can tell them for the safety of the child, you have chosen to not publish pictures on social media. By saying “for safety of the child,” hopefully your family members will accept your wishes.

The fact remains, it is your child and therefore your right to dictate what happens to the pictures of your child. If someone chooses to ignore your wishes, then you can take the appropriate action against them.

I hope this helps,

Best wishes

SG

 

[AClaire11]

Jesus taught us to forgive others. That said, you can limit the photos you send by electronic means. You can also limit the amount of photos you send to individuals who might go against your wishes and pass them along to family members who you do not desire contact with. But you really can’t stop it without making yourself look bad. Your best bet on a personal level is to limit contact with this person.

Once the baby is born: as to her wishing to help you, you can make gentle excuses saying that you really don’t need the help or the help that you do need is already being covered. I suggest that you pray for her. You can limit opportunities of her seeing you and the baby. She doesn’t have to be invited to the baptism and other special events. You can limit special family moments to those who you really wish to attend. For example, because baptisms are generally public, you can’t prevent her from attending the church but you can prevent her from attending the reception afterwords.

If she approaches you to why she is not invited to the reception, you can tell her because of past experiences, you feel it would less stressful for everyone if she wasn’t invited.

If she pushes, quietly say: for the sake of peace, you are not invited. You can also say perhaps we can meet some other time while making excuses so that it doesn’t happen. You can simply put off the visit until she realizes that it will not happen.

In regards to social media, I know many parents who do not publish photos of their children. If the family pushes, you can tell them for the safety of the child, you have chosen to not publish pictures on social media. By saying “for safety of the child,” hopefully your family members will accept your wishes.

The fact remains, it is your child and therefore your right to dictate what happens to the pictures of your child. If someone chooses to ignore your wishes, then you can take the appropriate action against them.

I hope this helps,

Best wishes

SG

We’re not planning to post pictures on facebook, though she blocked us both a while ago. We already have zero contact with her. She hates me and absolutely would not want to come help. That was FIL’s suggestion and I mentioned it to show that he really just thinks everything would be fine if we’d only give her a 11234234th chance. I will absolutely have no more contact with a narcissist who is completely unrepentant about her crazy emotional abuse of others, who has repeatedly tried to sabotage my relationships with DH and his parents, and who literally tried to prevent DH from proposing by screaming at him for 2 hours during the last time she would see him before he deployed. Last time we were both at the ILs’ house, I ended up hiding in DH’s old room for most of the time she was there because it was genuinely that awful. Implying that we should let her back into our lives for her to continually abuse us is ridiculous. Someone like that has no right to see pictures of my child.

 

[St_Francis]

Since she has treated us so terribly, she has lost the right to be involved in our lives or see private pictures of our children. I also think I, as a parent, have the right to say who can and cannot possess pictures of my children. And I can’t get this image out of my head of her looking at the pictures and sneering and saying awful things. I’m not worried about her doing anything to the baby. The worst I can imagine her doing is posting the pictures on a blog or her twitter and saying mean things.

I developed a terrific fear of large bodies of water when my oldest was born, and it stayed with me. I imagined a tidal wave coming up over our house–we lived near a peaceful bay, and no water had ever come near our house!

I share this because your imaginings seem to be to be along those lines. Even if your SIL is that bad, which she might be, there is no reason for you to dwell on these imaginary thoughts. Let them go, for your peace of mind.

That being said, we don’t like our children’s pics on the internet, and some of them are in college! So I think putting that limit on is ok.

 

[Xantippe]

I am sorry you are going through this and all the pain you have experienced. Unfortunately your photo request is not practical, only because you are putting the burden of protecting your child’s photos on others.

I can only imagine how awkward it would make any family member to be looking at photos of your children, only to have your sister-in-law come over and say “May I look?” Do you expect the family members to instantly hide the photos? It would be awkward for sure, especially for people that love and have a relationship with your sister-in-law. Then there is the possibility that other people might take photos of your children with their own cameras at holiday events or parties. The boundaries you are trying to set up for yourself and your children are not going to be easily carried out or enforced, especially if your children’s grandparents put photos up in their home in frames and she ever visits them, naturally she will see them as you can’t expect them to hide them if she stops by.

I know your feelings are strong, and the hurt she caused you is real. However I would suggest for peace of mind that you cease to imagine her looking at photos of your children and making faces or comments. She can’t do any real damage to you by seeing a photo of your child. As your children grow older there will be school photos and other photos and it is natural for families and grandparents to put these in frames or on their refrigerators.

I am sorry you are going through this. For peace of mind I suggest that you and your husband retract your decision to try and forbid her to see any photos, since it is an impossible boundary for you to enforce. Instead ask Jesus to help give you peace over this, and understand she really can’t DO anything to you or your children by glancing at a photo. God bless.

Yes.

I think I’d add here that it is fair to set a very firm boundary with people who want to put your children’s photographs online. I think that’s the line to draw.

 

[AClaire11]

Yes.

I think I’d add here that it is fair to set a very firm boundary with people who want to put your children’s photographs online. I think that’s the line to draw.

We will definitely be doing that. Thank you for the advice.

I don’t know, maybe this only makes sense to me, but I feel like there’s a difference between her just seeing the pictures in a frame or on the refrigerator and her actually possessing a copy of them, either electronic or physical.

 

[Allegra]

I think you are being a little unrealistic. Your inlaws are going to want to take pictures of your child at family functions and have photos on their wall, which their daughter is going to see whenever she is in their home. I don’t see how you can accomplish what you want to accomplish without really hurting your husband’s parents. It’s reasonable for you to ask for your child’s photo not to be shared on social media, but it’s pretty hard to tell them they can’t put a picture of their own grandchild on their mantle unless they agree to ban their own daughter. I guess you have to decide if punishing your husbands sister by not allowing her to see photos of a kid she probably doesn’t even care about (if she really is a true narcissist) is worth hurting your inlaws.

 

[Petaro]

Since she has treated us so terribly, she has lost the right to be involved in our lives or see private pictures of our children. I also think I, as a parent, have the right to say who can and cannot possess pictures of my children. And I can’t get this image out of my head of her looking at the pictures and sneering and saying awful things. I’m not worried about her doing anything to the baby. The worst I can imagine her doing is posting the pictures on a blog or her twitter and saying mean things.

I sometimes think we tend to demonise people in our heads when we have conflict with them. It allows us to put up barriers that may not appear reasonable to other family members.
Sometimes we let our hormonal defence mechanisms take over even before baby is born.
If I had a real nasty person intruding in my life, I could take it as an opportunity to forgive them and go out of my way to be really pleasant to them. It confuses them; should slightly annoy them and refuses them any real power over me and mine. Incidentally, it is what Jesus suggests as well.
Unless she is into voodoo, send her the pictures in pride. People who post nasty comments about new-borns tend to get short shift even on Facebook.
May God bless you with a lovely child.

 

[AClaire11]

I think you are being a little unrealistic. Your inlaws are going to want to take pictures of your child at family functions and have photos on their wall, which their daughter is going to see whenever she is in their home. I don’t see how you can accomplish what you want to accomplish without really hurting your husband’s parents. It’s reasonable for you to ask for your child’s photo not to be shared on social media, but it’s pretty hard to tell them they can’t put a picture of their own grandchild on their mantle unless they agree to ban their own daughter. I guess you have to decide if punishing your husbands sister by not allowing her to see photos of a kid she probably doesn’t even care about (if she really is a true narcissist) is worth hurting your inlaws.

I just clarified that I don’t care if she sees a picture on the wall or the refrigerator. I feel very uncomfortable with her actually possessing a copy that they email/text/etc her. I think there’s a difference.

 

[AClaire11]

I sometimes think we tend to demonise people in our heads when we have conflict with them. It allows us to put up barriers that may not appear reasonable to other family members.
Sometimes we let our hormonal defence mechanisms take over even before baby is born.
If I had a real nasty person intruding in my life, I could take it as an opportunity to forgive them and go out of my way to be really pleasant to them. It confuses them; should slightly annoy them and refuses them any real power over me and mine. Incidentally, it is what Jesus suggests as well.
Unless she is into voodoo, send her the pictures in pride. People who post nasty comments about new-borns tend to get short shift even on Facebook.
May God bless you with a lovely child.

…Did you completely ignore my reply to a previous poster where I described some of the things she’s done? Are you seriously suggesting I should invite an abuser back into my life and let her interact with my child? What is wrong with you?

 

[Regina7]

Don’t post pics of your baby on the internet. Share actual photos only. That will at least limit the ease at which she’d have. Then forget it. Nothing else you can do.

 

[AClaire11]

Don’t post pics of your baby on the internet. Share actual photos only. That will at least limit the ease at which she’d have. Then forget it. Nothing else you can do.

Thank you. I’ve definitely considered this and am leaning towards it. I can see MIL demanding that we text her pictures every day or so, but she can deal, especially since she’s not even bothering to visit.

 

[AClaire11]

I just double-checked my original post to make sure and I specifically mentioned her receiving pictures and having actual copies of them. Nowhere did I say or imply that my ILs would have to prevent her from ever laying an eye on an image of my child in their home.

 

[Evania]

…Did you completely ignore my reply to a previous poster where I described some of the things she’s done? Are you seriously suggesting I should invite an abuser back into my life and let her interact with my child? What is wrong with you?

Nothing is wrong with them. Please don’t speak negatively to those who are honestly trying to help. You asked for advice. You aren’t only going to be getting advice that you want to hear.

We don’t personally know your SIL. However, we do know of Christ’s command to forgive. That doesn’t mean that you have to invite them over for tea and cookies, or go out of your way to speak to them. However, it does mean that at some point if you want God’s forgiveness, you need to eventually forgive her.

The Lord’s Prayer says: “Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.”

No, you don’t have to invite her over to see the baby, but you can let go of the bitterness. Do you pray regularly for her and the eventual reconciliation of your husband and his family?

You mention that your husband doesn’t really have much of a problem with this. Is he totally okay with freezing his sister out for the rest of his life?