"Settling" in your choice of a spouse?

[EnglishTeacher]

Say you are a woman who longs to be a wife and mother but whose biological clock is ticking–at what point (if at all) is appropriate to “settle” in your choice of a husband?

I have reached my mid-thirties, and realistically, I know that the pool of available men is shrinking and will shrink further with every coming year. Not only will there be fewer single men in my age range, but many of them will look to date younger women who they perceive to have more childbearing years left.

I am not desperate but rather am seeing the need to be realistic at some point very soon. (I still look young, for what it’s worth–people are consistently surprised that I am in my 30s; I try to be a faithful Catholic; and I have saved myself for my husband.) I don’t have an “entitled” mentality, but I do struggle with being too idealistic in many areas (dating being one of them), and am indecisive due to fear of making the wrong choice.

Perhaps “settling” is a poor choice of words, but I guess what I am asking is this: What points are most essential to look for in a good Catholic husband, and what criteria are ok to compromise or settle on? I don’t want to make the wrong choice, but I also don’t want to miss out on having a husband and family because I was too picky.

 

[The_Bucket]

Why not just go out on some dates with some guys you think might be halfway decent and just find out “in person” as it were?

 

[Winter_Warlock_1]

Teacher,

Have you thought about trying a Catholic dating site? Catholicsingles.com is where I met my future wife. I am 49 and she 42, and if God grants us a child we will both be very happy. She also has a strong desire to have a child but has always trusted in God – as do I. The thing is do not “settle” as the one God has planned for you is out there, and if you “settle” you may miss out on the one that will truly love you.

May God bless and keep you always.

Winter

 

[Groo]

Not a good idea, imo. If you are mid-thirties now then you could be with this person for 40+ more years. Also, I would hate to think I made my vows to a woman who just ‘settled’ for me.

And this is just my personal belief, but I think a lot of marriages are doomed from the start because certain women settle for men they don’t really love. Then the pressures of married life hit and the predictable break occurs.

 

[PaulGH]

Say you are a woman who longs to be a wife and mother but whose biological clock is ticking–at what point (if at all) is appropriate to “settle” in your choice of a husband?

I have reached my mid-thirties, and realistically, I know that the pool of available men is shrinking and will shrink further with every coming year. Not only will there be fewer single men in my age range, but many of them will look to date younger women who they perceive to have more childbearing years left.

I am not desperate but rather am seeing the need to be realistic at some point very soon. (I still look young, for what it’s worth–people are consistently surprised that I am in my 30s; I try to be a faithful Catholic; and I have saved myself for my husband.) I don’t have an “entitled” mentality, but I do struggle with being too idealistic in many areas (dating being one of them), and am indecisive due to fear of making the wrong choice.

Perhaps “settling” is a poor choice of words, but I guess what I am asking is this: What points are most essential to look for in a good Catholic husband, and what criteria are ok to compromise or settle on? I don’t want to make the wrong choice, but I also don’t want to miss out on having a husband and family because I was too picky.

That’s a very tough question, with no easy answer. But here are a few questions I think you (or anyone) should ask yourself about any potential spouse:

• Are we attracted to each other?
• Do we love each other?
• Do we like each other? (not quite the same as the previous question)
• Do we trust each other?
• Do we share the same religious beliefs and the same level of religious commitment?
• Do we share the same ideas about child-bearing (e.g., being open to a large family vs. only wanting one or two kids, or not wanting kids at all)?
• Do we share the same ideas about raising our kids (e.g., public school vs. Catholic school vs. home school, and other big issues)?
• Do we agree on money issues (spending vs. saving, borrowing or not borrowing, etc.)?

I think that if you can say yes to all of the above questions, then you are in a good position to consider marriage. (Of course, there could be some complete deal-breaker that is not covered on the above questions, but this list covers at least quite a few important questions.)

On the other hand, if you say no to any of the above questions, then you at least need to ask, is this something that we can find a way for this not to be a deal-breaker for marriage? In some cases, you probably can find a way, but at least you know that there is a major red flag and that you should proceed with caution. But for some of these questions, like “do we trust each other?”, it is hard to see any way to move forward with the relationship if you answer “no”.

But look, this is all just off the top of my head. You might get a better answer by reading a good book on this subject. One of Greg and Lisa Popcak’s books on marriage would probably be a decent place to start.

I hope you find someone great, and that you won’t even have to worry about whether or not to settle.

 

[Zachary]

Say you are a woman who longs to be a wife and mother but whose biological clock is ticking–at what point (if at all) is appropriate to “settle” in your choice of a husband?

I have reached my mid-thirties, and realistically, I know that the pool of available men is shrinking and will shrink further with every coming year. Not only will there be fewer single men in my age range, but many of them will look to date younger women who they perceive to have more childbearing years left.

I am not desperate but rather am seeing the need to be realistic at some point very soon. (I still look young, for what it’s worth–people are consistently surprised that I am in my 30s; I try to be a faithful Catholic; and I have saved myself for my husband.) I don’t have an “entitled” mentality, but I do struggle with being too idealistic in many areas (dating being one of them), and am indecisive due to fear of making the wrong choice.

Perhaps “settling” is a poor choice of words, but I guess what I am asking is this: What points are most essential to look for in a good Catholic husband, and what criteria are ok to compromise or settle on? I don’t want to make the wrong choice, but I also don’t want to miss out on having a husband and family because I was too picky.

Or maybe your calling is something else. You are not required to wed and have children. Perhaps yours is the Cross of single, celibate life; a life of prayer and charitable work, spreading the Gosple in action and through witnessing the Holy Spirit who will never “settle or compromise” God’s love for you.

 

[robwar]

Say you are a woman who longs to be a wife and mother but whose biological clock is ticking–at what point (if at all) is appropriate to “settle” in your choice of a husband?

I have reached my mid-thirties, and realistically, I know that the pool of available men is shrinking and will shrink further with every coming year. Not only will there be fewer single men in my age range, but many of them will look to date younger women who they perceive to have more childbearing years left.

I am not desperate but rather am seeing the need to be realistic at some point very soon. (I still look young, for what it’s worth–people are consistently surprised that I am in my 30s; I try to be a faithful Catholic; and I have saved myself for my husband.) I don’t have an “entitled” mentality, but I do struggle with being too idealistic in many areas (dating being one of them), and am indecisive due to fear of making the wrong choice.

Perhaps “settling” is a poor choice of words, but I guess what I am asking is this: What points are most essential to look for in a good Catholic husband, and what criteria are ok to compromise or settle on? I don’t want to make the wrong choice, but I also don’t want to miss out on having a husband and family because I was too picky.

The women I’ve known that so called “settled” for someone in the mid thirties have ended up in very unhappy marriages. While it is too easy to end up with someone that may have some kind of red flag or issue that may seem innocent enough now, once married these so called red flags or issues become monsters to deal with. Issues I am speaking of is drinking, porno use, not going to Church, lukewarm about the faith, want to still go out with the boys, heavy debt, etc. I’m not sure if you have tried some of the single Catholic sites but as you are aware, the pool of decent available men is getting smaller. Now maybe, you can took at widowers or even divorced with an annulment. Not sure if situations like that sound ok to you. But while it is tempting to settle for someone because the bio clock is ticking, I would encourage you to still hold out, keep your standards high, don’t give up. It is better to be single than end up having a marriage from hell. I would still look for someone that is serious about practicing their faith with you and raising your children together in it. I wish you the best and encourage you not give up.

 

[PietroPaolo]

For the vast majority of people, in the vast majority of cultures, over the vast majority of human history people married for reasons other than “true love.” Love is an act of the will, not of feelings. If you find someone who is a good man, would make a good father to your future children, and who you can commit to sharing the rest of your life with, then I say go for it. How many marriages end in divorce between people who were “in love”? I wouldn’t consider it settling, I’d just say you are looking at marriage differently. Remember, the primary purpose of marriage is the sanctification of the spouses, not the production of certain feelings.

Of course, marrying for love isn’t bad either, I did so myself. But there can be other valid reasons for doing so.

 

[MaryT777]

Teacher,

Have you thought about trying a Catholic dating site? Catholicsingles.com is where I met my future wife. I am 49 and she 42, and if God grants us a child we will both be very happy. She also has a strong desire to have a child but has always trusted in God – as do I. The thing is do not “settle” as the one God has planned for you is out there, and if you “settle” you may miss out on the one that will truly love you.

May God bless and keep you always.

Winter

I know people who have had some good dates from Catholic Match…
Mary.

 

[EnglishTeacher]

Why not just go out on some dates with some guys you think might be halfway decent and just find out “in person” as it were?

I do date; I have gone out with many good, decent men. I seem to have a lot of difficulty with discernment, though. I have ended relationships with at least two men who I think would have made excellent husbands because I was just not sure that they were the “right one” and later ended up regretting it. I think I may be too picky, and also am terrified of making the wrong choice. I am praying for more wisdom, but also just need some practical advice in this area.

 

[EnglishTeacher]

Teacher,

Have you thought about trying a Catholic dating site? Catholicsingles.com is where I met my future wife. I am 49 and she 42, and if God grants us a child we will both be very happy. She also has a strong desire to have a child but has always trusted in God – as do I. The thing is do not “settle” as the one God has planned for you is out there, and if you “settle” you may miss out on the one that will truly love you.

May God bless and keep you always.

Winter

Thank you, that is encouraging to hear. I have tried it before; perhaps I will give it another shot.

 

[robwar]

I do date; I have gone out with many good, decent men. I seem to have a lot of difficulty with discernment, though. I have ended relationships with at least two men who I think would have made excellent husbands because I was just not sure that they were the “right one” and later ended up regretting it. I think I may be too picky, and also am terrified of making the wrong choice. I am praying for more wisdom, but also just need some practical advice in this area.

The older one gets, sometimes the scarier getting marriage can appear. it is hard to comment on your previous dating and what happened and whether they were or were not the right one. usually signs for a spouse can be things like if your family liked them, everyone got along. That maybe seem silly but if you were with someone, your parents liked them, your sibling liked them, you both had the same commitment to practicing your faith, then those are often very good signs that this person might make a good spouse if the relationship is moving in that direction. Did the previous guys move on to someone else?

 

[EnglishTeacher]

Or maybe your calling is something else. You are not required to wed and have children. Perhaps yours is the Cross of single, celibate life; a life of prayer and charitable work, spreading the Gosple in action and through witnessing the Holy Spirit who will never “settle or compromise” God’s love for you.

I am pretty sure that this is not my calling. I deeply admire those who live this kind of life, but I have never been able to see myself doing it.

For the vast majority of people, in the vast majority of cultures, over the vast majority of human history people married for reasons other than “true love.” Love is an act of the will, not of feelings. If you find someone who is a good man, would make a good father to your future children, and who you can commit to sharing the rest of your life with, then I say go for it. How many marriages end in divorce between people who were “in love”? I wouldn’t consider it settling, I’d just say you are looking at marriage differently. Remember, the primary purpose of marriage is the sanctification of the spouses, not the production of certain feelings.

Of course, marrying for love isn’t bad either, I did so myself. But there can be other valid reasons for doing so.

This is more or less along the lines that I was thinking. It is the committing that has been a problem for me. Not that I am afraid of lifelong commitment to one person, but as stated before I am afraid of making the wrong choice and I think I am worried that someone “better” will come along after I decide on one person. Yes, I have things to work, on, I guess.

 

[RPRPsych]

For the vast majority of people, in the vast majority of cultures, over the vast majority of human history people married for reasons other than “true love.” Love is an act of the will, not of feelings. If you find someone who is a good man, would make a good father to your future children, and who you can commit to sharing the rest of your life with, then I say go for it. How many marriages end in divorce between people who were “in love”? I wouldn’t consider it settling, I’d just say you are looking at marriage differently. Remember, the primary purpose of marriage is the sanctification of the spouses, not the production of certain feelings.

Of course, marrying for love isn’t bad either, I did so myself. But there can be other valid reasons for doing so.

Very well said.

 

[EnglishTeacher]

The older one gets, sometimes the scarier getting marriage can appear. it is hard to comment on your previous dating and what happened and whether they were or were not the right one. usually signs for a spouse can be things like if your family liked them, everyone got along. That maybe seem silly but if you were with someone, your parents liked them, your sibling liked them, you both had the same commitment to practicing your faith, then those are often very good signs that this person might make a good spouse if the relationship is moving in that direction.

My family did like both of them. I should probably consider that factor more seriously in the future. And they were both practicing Catholics.

Did the previous guys move on to someone else?

The first one ended a few years ago, and I have no idea whether he is in a relationship now; I have not seen or heard from him. The other ended somewhat more recently, and he has since dated other people, although I don’t think he has a girlfriend at present (not sure).

 

[Isca]

If you love someone, you don’t have any doubts if they are the right one. And if they are on the same wavelength as you about the big things, it’s often that which draws you to them in the first place.

I understand what the poster above is suggesting about marrying for reasons other than love (and there are many people in the world who do just that, and hope that love will grow) - but that wouldn’t be something I would have considered.

Good luck and I hope you find Mr Right.

 

[Auntie_A]

Forget the age issue. Young people can make bad matches too and “settle” for the wrong reasons.

Just make it a business to meet people and let it be known you are looking for a good man. A lot of good men don’t find their mates easily. Just look and pray and learn how to ask good questions and discern if someone would make a decent husband and father.

Worry less. Pray and study more. And go dancing.

 

[pianistclare]

I do date; I have gone out with many good, decent men. I seem to have a lot of difficulty with discernment, though. I have ended relationships with at least two men who I think would have made excellent husbands because I was just not sure that they were the “right one” and later ended up regretting it. I think I may be too picky, and also am terrified of making the wrong choice. I am praying for more wisdom, but also just need some practical advice in this area.

Are they still single? Call them up. Say “I’ve missed your company”. See what happens. You never know!

I met my husband on CatholicSingles after being widowed for a few years. He’s wonderful. Had just about given up on finding someone…was looking for a friend. No priors, no annulment issues, no baby mama drama, LOL We hit it off great. Spoke nightly on the phone fro 2 years. Met, fell in love in person…(not just with an “ideal” on the internet)
and got married. Never been happier.

Don’t give up. There’s always adoption. If it’s meant to be, it will happen. But you have to be open to it. I’m not saying that you haven’t had great advice here…but you need to start getting to know people. It’s not really a job interview. It’s a relationship.
Pray to St. Joseph and St. Anne. Read the story of Jacob and Rebecca. There’s always hope.
Peace.

 

[bsf]

EnglishTeacher,

I am sorry you have experienced so much disappointment and frustration.

…the Cross of single, celibate life; a life of prayer and charitable work, spreading the Gosple in action and through witnessing the Holy Spirit who will never “settle or compromise” God’s love for you.

Referring to the previous comment, you said the following.

I am pretty sure that this is not my calling. I deeply admire those who live this kind of life, but I have never been able to see myself doing it.

I have no idea what your vocation is. However, I question whether being “able to see myself doing it”, whatever “it” is, is actually proof that “it” is not your calling.

I will pray that God grant you the trust to allow His plan to unfold for you on His timetable, and the wisdom to make good vocation-related decisions.

 

[Zzyzx_Road]

Marriages work and last only when the participants realize that love is an action, not a feeling. Because there will be times the participants aren’t feeling it. Many times. If love is an action one chooses to do in those moments, then the marriage will always have a chance to keep going. But if love is just a feeling, then ending the marriage becomes too easy to do and we sure get a lot of that.

If someone thinks he or she “settled” in their choice of a spouse, then it is all the more important to remember that love is an action and to choose it every day because the feeling of “settling” will rear its ugly head at some point. That feeling can wreak havoc on a marriage if it is not countered by a strong dose of choosing to love. Hence it’s important when vetting a spouse to check their outlook on “love as an action”.