"Settling" in your choice of a spouse?

[DanielJT]

Marriages work and last only when the participants realize that love is an action, not a feeling. Because there will be times the participants aren’t feeling it. Many times. If love is an action one chooses to do in those moments, then the marriage will always have a chance to keep going. But if love is just a feeling, then ending the marriage becomes too easy to do and we sure get a lot of that.

If someone thinks he or she “settled” in their choice of a spouse, then it is all the more important to remember that love is an action and to choose it every day because the feeling of “settling” will rear its ugly head at some point. That feeling can wreak havoc on a marriage if it is not countered by a strong dose of choosing to love. Hence it’s important when vetting a spouse to check their outlook on “love as an action”.

I’m with Zzyzx on this one.

I don’t think it is unusual to get married and start to wonder if you made the right choice. It is a HUGE decision, and what huge decision have you ever made that didn’t come with even a tinge of doubt.

Marriage bliss isn’t about living in the euphoria of Disney-esque love. It is getting up every morning and making the decision to love again. The “right” person for you will have the same decision to make every morning and it would be good to know that they are on the same page and want to be 5, 10, 25 years down the road

(just a side note: Since you are an English teacher you might be interested to know -if you don’t already- that “wedding” has a German cognate that means “to bet”. Not that you win or lose when you get married. It just points to the inherent uncertainty of it all)

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

The first one ended a few years ago, and I have no idea whether he is in a relationship now; I have not seen or heard from him. The other ended somewhat more recently, and he has since dated other people, although I don’t think he has a girlfriend at present (not sure).

Do you think they would be happy to hear from you?

 

[Galbin]

The women I’ve known that so called “settled” for someone in the mid thirties have ended up in very unhappy marriages. While it is too easy to end up with someone that may have some kind of red flag or issue that may seem innocent enough now, once married these so called red flags or issues become monsters to deal with. Issues I am speaking of is drinking, porno use, not going to Church, lukewarm about the faith, want to still go out with the boys, heavy debt, etc. I’m not sure if you have tried some of the single Catholic sites but as you are aware, the pool of decent available men is getting smaller. Now maybe, you can took at widowers or even divorced with an annulment. Not sure if situations like that sound ok to you. But while it is tempting to settle for someone because the bio clock is ticking, I would encourage you to still hold out, keep your standards high, don’t give up. It is better to be single than end up having a marriage from hell. I would still look for someone that is serious about practicing their faith with you and raising your children together in it. I wish you the best and encourage you not give up.

I have also seen this. The people I know who waited for love* are pretty happy. However, I know one woman who settled because she was desperate to have children. She was also basically pressured into the marriage by her family. She is very religious, yet she didn’t get married in Church because she said she “didn’t want to lie to God”. And what do you think happened a few months after marriage? She met a man who was mad about her, and she him. But of course nothing could happen. It has absolutely torn her apart. And she feels she cannot leave her dh. I wish she had not rushed into it. The thing is, her marriage is not at all recognised by the Church so she could indeed leave her husband. And the man still wants her - he saw her as serious marriage material. If she had waited to meet someone she was actually in love with, then she would not be caught up in this.

*Bearing in mind that most of us live in the western world and thus would prefer to marry someone we are already in love with on our wedding day. Of course, not everyone values this. If you don’t value that feeling as much as other attributes of marriage, then that is fine. However, if you know you might not be able to keep your vows without that feeling then please don’t marry. It will only cause heartache in the long run.

 

[on_the_hill]

Say you are a woman who longs to be a wife and mother but whose biological clock is ticking–at what point (if at all) is appropriate to “settle” in your choice of a husband?

I have reached my mid-thirties, and realistically, I know that the pool of available men is shrinking and will shrink further with every coming year. Not only will there be fewer single men in my age range, but many of them will look to date younger women who they perceive to have more childbearing years left.

I am not desperate but rather am seeing the need to be realistic at some point very soon. (I still look young, for what it’s worth–people are consistently surprised that I am in my 30s; I try to be a faithful Catholic; and I have saved myself for my husband.) I don’t have an “entitled” mentality, but I do struggle with being too idealistic in many areas (dating being one of them), and am indecisive due to fear of making the wrong choice.

Perhaps “settling” is a poor choice of words, but I guess what I am asking is this: What points are most essential to look for in a good Catholic husband, and what criteria are ok to compromise or settle on? I don’t want to make the wrong choice, but I also don’t want to miss out on having a husband and family because I was too picky.

Well, I can relay what my wife has to say when these things come up in conversation: “There is no one right person. There is the right person at the right time.”

and

“Most women who are single, but don’t want to be, are too picky.”

 

[on_the_hill]

Marriage bliss isn’t about living in the euphoria of Disney-esque love. It is getting up every morning and making the decision to love again. The “right” person for you will have the same decision to make every morning and it would be good to know that they are on the same page and want to be 5, 10, 25 years down the road

The best advice I ever got (about anything) was from a coworker (with whom I didn’t have a particularly close relationship–friendly but not close) who told me shortly before I got married, “You won’t always be in love, but you have to be always committed.”

 

[Zachary]

I knew a priest who went through the same thing (unfortunatly, he chose to settle on a wife vs. his cross). He left the church and made it his mission to sling mud.

Whatever your true calling is, it isn’t a feeling, it isn’t what you think you want. Remember Jesus in the Garden. Reflect on that. Pray for you calling to become clear, for His will to be done, and learn to be happy with it. God never leads you to harm; He leads us to holiness if we dare listen.

 

[MainBrain]

I believe my wife and I settled for each other. Sometimes you have to realize you’re going to settle for a partner no matter what. It’s just a matter of how low you settle. It’s better to settle up rather than settle down.

 

[Sarcelle]

Well, I can relay what my wife has to say when these things come up in conversation: “There is no one right person. There is the right person at the right time.”

and

“Most women who are single, but don’t want to be, are too picky.”

Guilty as charged. I’m too picky.

A lot.of men I know do not believe in saving sex for marriage but I do. They are also.anti-Catholic so it is not prudent for me to marry someone with different values.

Therefore I am too picky.

 

[jmcrae]

For the vast majority of people, in the vast majority of cultures, over the vast majority of human history people married for reasons other than “true love.” Love is an act of the will, not of feelings. If you find someone who is a good man, would make a good father to your future children, and who you can commit to sharing the rest of your life with, then I say go for it. How many marriages end in divorce between people who were “in love”? I wouldn’t consider it settling, I’d just say you are looking at marriage differently. Remember, the primary purpose of marriage is the sanctification of the spouses, not the production of certain feelings.

Of course, marrying for love isn’t bad either, I did so myself. But there can be other valid reasons for doing so.

I agree with this. There is also a saying - “Don’t marry for money. Hang around with rich men, and marry for love.”

If you are looking for specific traits in a man, then find out where such men congregate, and start making that place your regular hang-out. (If you need a pretext, offer to volunteer for something.) Sooner or later, one of them will ask you out, and then you just take it from there.

 

[EnglishTeacher]

Well, I can relay what my wife has to say when these things come up in conversation: “There is no one right person. There is the right person at the right time.”

Good food for thought

“Most women who are single, but don’t want to be, are too picky.”

This is probably very true of me, and it is something I am trying to change. There are some things I won’t settle on, of course–I want to marry someone who is a committed Catholic, who is intelligent, and who seems as though he would be a good husband and father. Those are the non-negotiables. In theory, almost everything else should be things that I could compromise on, but in practice it seems as though there is always something that holds me back.

 

[Luvz2travel]

Why not just go out on some dates with some guys you think might be halfway decent and just find out “in person” as it were?

Well if you’re a traditional catholic women you kind of feel they need to ask you out and if they don’t you’re kind of stuck.

 

[Luvz2travel]

I don’t thinking there’s anything wrong with settling but you have to be ok with it. I’ve always been an all or nothing type of person so I would either have to love the person or I couldn’t do it. But that’s just me. I’m not judgemental.

 

[holy_face]

I really hope you find someone special, it is definitely possible, Good people are much harder to find though.

Having saved yourself for marriage is really big deal, it is very rare in our society. If I were single I would want to go on a date with you, even sight unseen, just to meet you and see if there was a connection. Don’t underestimate how much this shows your quality.

Best thing is to make sure the people you date share your values and proudly let them know you are chaste.

35 would be a concern to me as a man for fertility but most importantly a suspicion she spent her younger years having fun being a “sex in the city” type girl. If you can dispel that then you have won half the battle. If he is not looking for tons of kids then you still have some time with fertility.

Also important is to display high value, basically get in the best physical shape you can, dress femininely, learn how to flirt a little. After you meet, let it be know you are chaste but you can flirt some (not too much) to show you are not rigid and seem too prudish.

But at 35, the tall dark and handsome ex college football star is most likely going to be married to a 20 something year old girl, so settling depends on how much value you can display to a potential mate, you may have to settle from your absolute ideal guy but there should be some good guys out there.

This forum has some good advice for displaying higher value, basically making yourself attractive as possible for the type of guy you are looking for. Just ignore anything that seems out of line with your faith, this is not exclusively a Christian site.
marriedmansexlife.vanillaforums.com/categories/first-officer-s-club

 

[Anglewannabe]

Perhaps “settling” is a poor choice of words, but I guess what I am asking is this: What points are most essential to look for in a good Catholic husband, and what criteria are ok to compromise or settle on? I don’t want to make the wrong choice, but I also don’t want to miss out on having a husband and family because I was too picky.

With all due respect, I agree ‘settling’ is a poor choice of words. I could not imagine the pain of a man if he knew when you chose him, you chose to settle.

Also, I hate to break it to you but you could run out tomorrow and get married and still end up without out a family. You could find out you can’t have kids and not be able to adopt. Your husband could be killed in a freak accident are be the 1 in 1 million who ended up with a rare and fatal disease.

And the following is from experience. 10-15 years ago, I probably would have written the exact same post as you. I am a 44 year old woman who has never married. Never would I have believed in my younger days that I could be single at 44 and able to accept it. I am not saying it is great and better than marriage, but I am saying it is not the bad horrid thing young women think it is. The only regret I have… Having spent so much time worrying about it in my younger days. When I think of all the time wasted I could have spent going to the gym, reading a book, going for a walk or doing something fun that was spent worrying about the future… what a waste

Angie

 

[Galbin]

This is probably very true of me, and it is something I am trying to change. There are some things I won’t settle on, of course–I want to marry someone who is a committed Catholic, who is intelligent, and who seems as though he would be a good husband and father. Those are the non-negotiables. In theory, almost everything else should be things that I could compromise on, but in practice it seems as though there is always something that holds me back.

What sort of things have held you back in the past? Have you been in love before? Is that important for you?

Blessings to you.

 

[JimG]

In a sense, everyone “settles” for the spouse they have. You choose one man or one woman out of the thousands in your city or the thousands more you might meet in your lifetime. You don’t know who you will meet in the future. You make the decision that THIS is the one I will spend my life with, even if I think I might discern a better one sometime down the road. That’s the meaning of “forsaking all others.” You are going to pick just one and forsake all the others, past and future.

The good news is that if you do commit yourself to that one, and decide to love him every day, your continued love and commitment will itself make the love grow stronger with each passing day. Choosing one is not ‘settling.’ It is deciding, then sticking to the decision. If both parties decide to love every day, there will be no regrets.

 

[SuperLuigi]

Not only will there be fewer single men in my age range, but many of them will look to date younger women who they perceive to have more childbearing years left.

I really don’t think this is as problematic as you think. Before I got married, when I was in my mid-late 20s. I dated/talked to girls who were 18-23, thinking just that, but many of them weren’t mature enough for an adult marriage.

Perhaps “settling” is a poor choice of words, but I guess what I am asking is this:

I think I know exactly what you mean. :yup: It’s not desperation.

What points are most essential to look for in a good Catholic husband, and what criteria are ok to compromise or settle on? I don’t want to make the wrong choice, but I also don’t want to miss out on having a husband and family because I was too picky.

Ultimately, it sounds like you want someone who will be a good Catholic, so I take it that not having the same favorite color would be a relationship killer.

I would say be careful with issues like if the guy masturbates, but is trying to be a good Catholic. That’s perhaps a more contentious one, and I remember woman saying she wasn’t interested in a guy who was impure like that, to which I thought “good luck”.

Now, a guy need not be perfect, but he should also try, If he’s not trying or just not into the faith and makes excuses, well, that’s entirely different.

and am indecisive due to fear of making the wrong choice.

I’m going to ask you to push through this line of thinking because being too idealistic and fearful are obstacles that waste valuable time.

What you’ll want to avoid is chasing after something that is just a phantom and not real.

 

[SuperLuigi]

In a sense, everyone “settles” for the spouse they have. You choose one man or one woman out of the thousands in your city or the thousands more you might meet in your lifetime. You don’t know who you will meet in the future. You make the decision that THIS is the one I will spend my life with, even if I think I might discern a better one sometime down the road. That’s the meaning of “forsaking all others.” You are going to pick just one and forsake all the others, past and future.

The good news is that if you do commit yourself to that one, and decide to love him every day, your continued love and commitment will itself make the love grow stronger with each passing day. Choosing one is not ‘settling.’ It is deciding, then sticking to the decision. If both parties decide to love every day, there will be no regrets.

I would add too that it’s not all about “well, I have a great Catholic guy I want to be with, but I wonder if he’s the right one God wants for me”.

We are all called to follow God’s plan, but at the same time, decisions do need to be made and a person could discern a vocation or a spouse their entire life, but that isn’t what God asks either.

 

[SuperLuigi]

Having spent so much time worrying about it in my younger days. When I think of all the time wasted I could have spent going to the gym, reading a book, going for a walk or doing something fun that was spent worrying about the future… what a waste

Let it go, Angie. You’re still quite young! :yup:

 

[Anglewannabe]

Let it go, Angie. You’re still quite young! :yup:

I let go worrying I would marry and now have more fun but the age thing… too many grey hairs to let that one go