Severe issues with my mother

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Margarete_Faust

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I guess I need advice… and insight. I recently moved back at home since I finished graduate school and have been job hunting… without success. I also REALLY do not get along with my mother. That has been a problem since I was eight years old (I am almost 26 now). My mother is psychologically abusive and has even acted out against me physically in the past, so I have done my best to keep a distance from her. We had issues 2 years ago when I had to go to the hospital for suicidal intentions and she did all of the wrong things when I got out of the hospital (blaming me for every problem she has ever had, using my religion to make me feel even worse for having had suicidal intentions, etc). I moved out at the time to escape the daily verbal abuse, but I thought that I could move back while searching for a job.
I will admit, I have not been entirely fair to her. I work daily on forgiving her for many things. I don’t blame everything on her, but there are emotional scars. My therapist even pointed out that I tend to date boys who are manipulative like my mother as a way to compensate for her treatment of me. I have burned quite a few bridges in the last few months since I have been doing better and know that I have to get rid of the bad things that are making me believe I am absolutely worthless. In a way, I have developed a sense of aggression toward her that makes me believe that I am protecting myself. I forgive her, but I am absolutely not willing to reconcile with her because I know she will never change. We had another fight tonight over a stupid comment (apparently, I am not a “genuine” person because I don’t blindly agree to everything she says- HAH). I know now that I have to move out, possibly first thing in the morning. I guess my one concern is: how responsible am I for an abusive parent? To what degree am I breaking the fourth Commandment if I do not let her control me in an abusive manner? She constantly tries to get in the way of my faith (she gets mad when I go to church on Sundays when she wants to sleep in, she wants me to tell guys that I will sleep with them so I can “keep them”, etc). Should I even bother being reconciled with her, ever? This woman uses even the smallest amount of humility on my part to exert abusive power… mercy is a word she probably never learned.

Even if no one has advice, I do need your prayers. My heart is very sore from all of this. I really don’t want to have anything to do with my mother anymore.
 
I would encourage you to read the Catechism section on the 4th commandment.

You owe your parents respect as your parents and as a child of God. That does not mean you have to have any contact with her or endure any abuse from her.

I suggest counseling with your pastor on this matter if possible. You need boundaries and physical and mental separation from her. That is not disrespectful. In fact it is for the best for everyone, even her though she may not know it.
 
:signofcross: I will keep you in my prayers.

Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee.
Blessed art thou amongst women and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.
Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death. Amen.
 
Sounds like living with your Mom is a terrible idea and, asap you should find your own place for your own well being. From a distance you can begin to build a healthier relationship, which may take years of boundary setting.

Do read the book “Boundaries” by an author by the last name Cloud, I forget the first name. He is a Christian and gives great advise for boundary setting in a Christian context.
 
I agree with Country Gal - do your best to move out as soon as possible. And keep seeing your therapist. Sounds like she gives good advice. At age 25 you don’t have to obey your mother - especially if she’s telling you to not attend Mass!

As for the spiritual advice, do talk with your priest.

I’ll be praying for you.
 
The problem with moving back in with a parent after graduating from college is that it is their house, and therefore their rules-like it or not. Parents often forget that their adult children are no longer their little darlings any more and they tend to resent it. This, of course leads to conflicts.
Where is your father in all of this? If he is around, perhaps he can help you. If not, are there any other kin folk you could stay with until you are financially situated to be on your own? Why not sit down and make a list of all of your relatives. Then, organize the list according to those most likely take you in. How you deal with the list is all up to you.

I also think you should talk to your Pastor about this situation. Perhaps, if he can’t intercede with your mother on your behalf, he would know of a parishinor with whom you could stay until you can be on your own. In any case, staying with your mother is not good for either of you.
 
George_Stegmeir said:
The problem with moving back in with a parent after graduating from college is that it is their house, and therefore their rules-like it or not. Parents often forget that their adult children are no longer their little darlings any more and they tend to resent it. This, of course leads to conflicts.
Where is your father in all of this? If he is around, perhaps he can help you. If not, are there any other kin folk you could stay with until you are financially situated to be on your own? Why not sit down and make a list of all of your relatives. Then, organize the list according to those most likely take you in. How you deal with the list is all up to you.

I also think you should talk to your Pastor about this situation. Perhaps, if he can’t intercede with your mother on your behalf, he would know of a parishinor with whom you could stay until you can be on your own. In any case, staying with your mother is not good for either of you.
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The problem is not so much of where to live; I have options. The main problem is the car. I have shared vehicles with my sisters for years, but they still belong to my parents. I currently do not have the funds to buy my own car. My sister lives in the city, but she is currently in the process of dropping her subleasers, so she has no room for me. I have arrangements to live with a friend for the 4 weeks until my sisters’ subleasers move out, but her boyfriend wants to move in and he is reluctant to let me use the spare bedroom (believe it or not they each plan on using separate bedrooms, but he wants the third bedroom as a workshop). I could theoretically share my sister’s car (which she bought off of our parents) as long as I make payments, but I have to be living within a 1 mile radius of her to make that possible.

I guess all I can ask is: pray for me! I do plan on finding my own place, but I need a downtown job, otherwise I won’t be able to get to work on the public transportation.
 
Do your best to forgive and love your mom, even after you move out. She probably hasn’t yet come to terms with the fact that you are an adult – give her time.
Don’t burn the bridge between the two of you. She may need your help in the future. Hopefully she’ll mellow out by then.
 
Your mother sounds like mine. Very hard to deal with narcissist s. Been there, done that, have the t-shirt.
Your best bet is to make plans in a calm rational manner instead of rushing into just anything. If that means staying longer, do so, but stick to being nice unless she gets confrontational. In that case by all means STAND UP to her. Bullies are basically cowards.
I cut my mom off for a year because she was making trouble for my family. I let her back in but on my terms.
Feel free to PM me if you want specifics.
God bless.
 
Here’s what you do:
  1. move out
  2. forgive, but do not forget. Jesus never said we have to be glued to our parents or their drama-- actually, he could not do ministry in his home town and did not heal much there (a prophet is never in their home town… etc) He said I will turn mothers against daughters, etc., he came with a sword… It’s super confusing, but meditate on His Word and over time the Wisdom will come-- for me, it means you chose your own family and Jesus said these are my mothers, these are my brothers, the family of Christ-- he says, if you love mother more than me you are not worthy of me…
  3. You can LOVE mother, HONOR mother. but you do not have to worship your mother or her drama or blaming u for her life her garbage
  4. Go to a recovery and talk it out with other women if you have to
  5. Restrict contact with her. get yourself in a strong place with stable women FIRST. Ask God how to deal with her. Sometimes, not much contact is best, and limited contact. Only you know… She has a choice, only she can help herself but you don’t have to accept her garbage
 
Maybe your mom doesn’t want you to live with her. She sounds domineering and probably doesn’t realize that she is. My mom and I had differences but always came to a compromise or agreement, no resentments. We worked things out cheerfully and lovingly. We moved on and respected each other. I always honored her as the one who gave me life. I was fortunate to be able to have a caring relationship with her. I miss her every day. Get close to the Blessed Virgin Mary, who was the Mother of Christ, and whose own mother, St. Anne nurtured her. Pray the Rosary and read books about Mary. May God send blessings and graces to your mother, that she will find peace and love and that there will be healing between you. Hope you will find a job on the bus route and a place you can call your own. God bless.
 
Please pray for me, so that maybe God can actually answer my prayers for once. I have no money and no job. I apply to multiple jobs every single day. I have had interviews, but no job offer. I am starting to apply for waitressing jobs even though I have a Masters degree (a degree I got because I hated the years I was a waitress, cashier, or stock clerk). Please, pray for me. God has not answered my prayers in the last few years. I have begged to be free of my family and to be able to start my REAL LIFE outside of this suffocating house, and I cannot do that with no money and no job for survival.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PRAY. Maybe God will listen to his other children, because he certainly does not seem to be mindful of my own prayers. I am so depressed. It feels like I will never have a future or a family of my own that I can raise in love and respect. I was sobbing in the shower this morning because I am spending my days useless to myself and society… I am filling out application after application, calling in for jobs, and only getting the scam recruiters contacting me. I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to be useless. Sitting by the phone with no callbacks is not a way to live this life God gave me, so why does He let me wait. I have waited to be free of my family, and He has not opened any doors for me, even though I am doing my part. Why doesn’t He love me enough to help me when I am begging and losing all of my hope?

Please, pray for me. Maybe he will listen to your prayers. He seems to have completely abandoned me.
 
I’m praying for you. Please don’t lose hope. When we are at the bottom then the only way becomes up. It will happen, just keep doing what you are doing and keep praying. Things can’t stay like this forever.
 
Margarete_Faust said:
I guess I need advice… and insight. I recently moved back at home since I finished graduate school and have been job hunting… without success. I also REALLY do not get along with my mother. That has been a problem since I was eight years old (I am almost 26 now). My mother is psychologically abusive and has even acted out against me physically in the past, so I have done my best to keep a distance from her. We had issues 2 years ago when I had to go to the hospital for suicidal intentions and she did all of the wrong things when I got out of the hospital (blaming me for every problem she has ever had, using my religion to make me feel even worse for having had suicidal intentions, etc). I moved out at the time to escape the daily verbal abuse, but I thought that I could move back while searching for a job.
I will admit, I have not been entirely fair to her. I work daily on forgiving her for many things. I don’t blame everything on her, but there are emotional scars. My therapist even pointed out that I tend to date boys who are manipulative like my mother as a way to compensate for her treatment of me. I have burned quite a few bridges in the last few months since I have been doing better and know that I have to get rid of the bad things that are making me believe I am absolutely worthless. In a way, I have developed a sense of aggression toward her that makes me believe that I am protecting myself. I forgive her, but I am absolutely not willing to reconcile with her because I know she will never change. We had another fight tonight over a stupid comment (apparently, I am not a “genuine” person because I don’t blindly agree to everything she says- HAH). I know now that I have to move out, possibly first thing in the morning. I guess my one concern is: how responsible am I for an abusive parent? To what degree am I breaking the fourth Commandment if I do not let her control me in an abusive manner? She constantly tries to get in the way of my faith (she gets mad when I go to church on Sundays when she wants to sleep in, she wants me to tell guys that I will sleep with them so I can “keep them”, etc). Should I even bother being reconciled with her, ever? This woman uses even the smallest amount of humility on my part to exert abusive power… mercy is a word she probably never learned.

Even if no one has advice, I do need your prayers. My heart is very sore from all of this. I really don’t want to have anything to do with my mother anymore.
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My mother was abusive and I had to learn that not having a mother’s love is a huge loss. A loss so big, that you will need to mourn the loss *(when you are ready).

It’s a big cross to bear not having a loving mother. It creates a big void in your heart that only forgiveness and acceptance will heal. This will not happen overnight. I am now 42 and have only recently reached this level of higher understanding.

For now, your well being is of utmost importance and removing yourself from this toxic relationship is for the best.
 
Margarete_Faust said:
Please pray for me, so that maybe God can actually answer my prayers for once. I have no money and no job. I apply to multiple jobs every single day. I have had interviews, but no job offer. I am starting to apply for waitressing jobs even though I have a Masters degree (a degree I got because I hated the years I was a waitress, cashier, or stock clerk). Please, pray for me. God has not answered my prayers in the last few years. I have begged to be free of my family and to be able to start my REAL LIFE outside of this suffocating house, and I cannot do that with no money and no job for survival.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PRAY. Maybe God will listen to his other children, because he certainly does not seem to be mindful of my own prayers. I am so depressed. It feels like I will never have a future or a family of my own that I can raise in love and respect. I was sobbing in the shower this morning because I am spending my days useless to myself and society… I am filling out application after application, calling in for jobs, and only getting the scam recruiters contacting me. I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to be useless. Sitting by the phone with no callbacks is not a way to live this life God gave me, so why does He let me wait. I have waited to be free of my family, and He has not opened any doors for me, even though I am doing my part. Why doesn’t He love me enough to help me when I am begging and losing all of my hope?

Please, pray for me. Maybe he will listen to your prayers. He seems to have completely abandoned me.
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My cousin worked as a waitress for years while she was waiting to get hired in the field in which she prepared by receiving her Masters Degree. Don’t worry about that part - the point of an education is to put your wealth in your head so no one can ever steal it (An old Italian saying).

I agree you need to do whatever you need to do, within moral reason, to get away from your Mom. She sounds sad and dangerous.

You are in my prayers, sister girl…hang in there.
 
God is with you always. Sometimes we do not feel His presence because trials are so painful. But He is there. Jesus weeps with you. Lean on Him to get you through the emotions you are feeling. God gives us the strength to go on. He said do not despair. One day you will realize that yes, God was with you. There is pain when a parent “forsakes” his/her children. I cannot think of anything that could be worse for a child no matter what the age.The best thing you can do for your mother is to pray for her. God answered my prayers for my father after 14 long years but I never stopped. My father finally gave up his bad ways and began attending Sunday and week day Mass. He was a totally different person. Instead of fearing him, his life ended knowing we loved him and receiving the sacraments. God wants only happiness for you. You have been blessed to have a good education. You have a bright future. Keep building your life in a positive light. It seems overwhelming to you right now, but taking one step at a time will get you there. And a lot of prayer. Attend Mass, recite the rosary, pray for help, serenity, a good support system of family and friends. Make an appointment and speak to a Priest for direction. Maybe you could volunteer several hours for a service organization. Sometimes that leads to a permanent job. Praying for God to comfort you, give you courage, and bless you. May you feel His presence around you.
 
Please continue praying. It’s been several weeks since I started the thread, and I am no closer to a job than I was before. My mother and I got in another fight this morning… she has been making unnecessary snide comments every time I try to sit next to her and just be social. It’s breaking my heart… and it will hurt my faith if I stay here any longer. I cannot bear this cross much longer… I NEED PEACE.
 
Keep up the search! You are very wise to start looking at alternative jobs like waiting tables while you continue to look for work in your field of training. As for your relationship with your mom, I recommend giving her as much space as possible. Get out of the house in the morning and job hunt at a community center or library or church. Come home to make your meals and tidy up. Basically become the invisible boarder. This too shall pass!
 
I don’t have a car, and my parents live in the country. I need at least a job in the city so I can use the public transportation. I understand that leaving the house would help things, but I lack resources to leave the house. My parents will only let me borrow their car if I have an interview, so leaving “just for space” is out of the question. I really need a miracle, because I am losing it. I am really losing it. I can’t eat or sleep because I am so depressed. I thought my life would get better once I got my degree… now I have no job, no friends, no boyfriend, and no future.
 
Sorry to hear about the geographic isolation. If you are fighting depression on top of everything else even just getting outside into the sunshine, turning off screens (tvs, computers, phones) after dinner and getting to bed early can help immensely. Imagine you are a monk and develop a “rule” or routine. These things will help stave off depression. If it is still unbearable, seek medical attention.

Sounds like your sister will have room for you to live with her eventually, right? There is an end in sight! As Christians we are called to hope–things will get better, trust God. I’ll keep praying for you!
 
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