Severe spiritual "muteness"...please help!

[Elizastaci]

So, about a year ago, I began to get unhappy, and was soon sucked into a downward spiral. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and severe manic depression, and as we’ve experimented with treatments, things grew worse and worse.

My moods were cycling at a terrifying speed–one moment I was out-of-control ecstatic, and this would be followed by long, long periods of gut-wrenching misery so deep that I was nearly comatose. I couldn’t speak or get out of bed. During this time I started engaging in several very sinful behaviors, mostly, not to be graphic, sins of the flesh. I’m far from proud of it, but I can see now I was just trying to stop the pain.

Well, things are much better now–not back to my old self, but getting there–and I am trying to return to my old faith, my old prayers, my old devotion.

Turns out it’s not that simple. I can’t pray, can’t really worship, can’t do any of it anymore.

I want to, so much it hurts. But when I try to pray, I can’t, not even the Rosary. My mind blanks out and refuses to focus. I get myself to Mass, but then I feel so empty. Which, okay, I’m there for Him, not me, but I can’t even say the prayers out loud. I try, and it feels like something’s seized up in my throat, and my lips won’t form the words.

Same thing when I try to pray on my own–my body and mind won’t connect with prayer. I can’t even get myself to Confession; I haven’t been in six months, and oh how I need to go, but when I try, my throat thickens and I have a panic attack.

It’s terrifying; I feel like there’s a huge wall separating me from God, and this despair and continual mental health issues keep trying to suck me back into sin, which is the last thing I want. I go to Mass; I’m reading spiritual books to try to connect; I’ve bought a Brown Scapular, though I haven’t had it blessed. I’m trying, but it feels so impossible.

How can I fix this? I just feel so lost and scared and alone. Does God still love me? Does He want me anymore? Or have I fallen too far to come back?

 

[PhilotheaZ]

Yes, God does still love you, more than you can imagine.

Hang in there. Your efforts to pray are very pleasing to God, especially when it seems most difficult.

Stick with Mass and the sacraments of Reconciliation and Holy Communion as often as possible.

Remember the time when Jesus felt the most abandoned? He was hanging from the cross, saying, “My God, why have You abandoned Me?” The moment when He was feeling most abandoned was when He was accomplishing our redemption, and you can be sure that the Father was loving Jesus immensely at that moment, even though Jesus felt utterly lost.

You may want to try keeping your prayers very simple. If it is too much for you to recite long prayers, just fill your day with short aspirations: “Jesus, I love You.” “Jesus, I trust You.” “My God, I need You right now.”

I knew a woman who was in so much anguish (physical pain from illness) that the only prayer she could manage was, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph,” which she repeated many times each day. I’m sure that prayer was absolutely perfect in God’s eyes.

Even just the name of “Jesus” can be a wonderful prayer if you say it with love. Or find a picture of Jesus that you like and just gaze at it with love; prayer without words can be wonderful.

Keep on getting good mental health care. I pray that you will find relief and God’s peace.

 

[Elizastaci]

You may want to try keeping your prayers very simple. If it is too much for you to recite long prayers, just fill your day with short aspirations: “Jesus, I love You.” “Jesus, I trust You.” “My God, I need You right now.”

Thank you so, so much. This is exactly the sort of advice I was hoping for.

 

[Simon_X]

I am certainly not an expert. But I agree with above poster. Try baby steps. But do stick with Mass and Sacraments. Will certainly pray for you. You sound like a person that is trying to connect with God and I believe it will happen in due time…Bless you…

 

[BeeSweet]

Same thing when I try to pray on my own–my body and mind won’t connect with prayer. I can’t even get myself to Confession; I haven’t been in six months, and oh how I need to go, but when I try, my throat thickens and I have a panic attack.

I have family who suffer from bipolar. I’ve witnessed how devastating it can be to individuals and their families. I pray God grants you strength and healing.

Write down exactly what you want to say and take it in with you to the confessional. Preferably do this a day or so in advance, then the day of your confession, spend the time immediately before in a state of calm prayer, prayer of thanksgiving. Don’t force it though, silence is often exactly the prayer that is best sometimes. This way, you have calmed some of the anxiety that causes your throat to swell up and keep you from speaking. You most likely will not say anything the priest has not heard before, and all he wants is to reconcile you to God, which is all you want. You and the priest in the confessional both want the same thing, so there’s nothing for you to fear. He’s not there to condemn you, he’s there only as an instrument for you to make peace with God.

My faith and my ability to pray suffers tremendously the longer I stay away from confession. It is a sacrament of healing, which is exactly what you need right now. You will find so much consolation from this sacrament. Prepare to receive it, make yourself ready, have your confession written down and keep it in your wallet. Then, when you find yourself in a calm state of mind, go and make your peace with God. Then the next time you go it will be easier, and even easier the next time after that. Right now it’s hard because you’ve been away so long, so your anxiety has built up, and is part of this wall you’re feeling exists between you and God right now. Bipolar is a type of anxiety disorder. You really will reduce your anxiety if you already have your confession written down ahead of time. Take your time making an examination of conscience, and remember to take it easy on yourself.

The final (optional) prayer of the Divine Mercy chaplet comes to mind:

Eternal God, in Whom mercy is endless and the treasury of compassion inexhaustible, look kindly upon us and increase Your mercy in us, that in difficult moments we might not despair nor become despondent, but with great confidence submit ourselves to Your holy will, which is Love and Mercy itself.

If you have not tried the Divine Mercy chaplet yet, you can learn it here. It does not take as long as the Rosary, and it has a different feeling about it. Show yourself some mercy. Be gentle with yourself.

To further encourage you to seek confession, think about the words of Psalm 51:

 Have mercy on me, God, in your goodness; in your abundant compassion blot out my offense.
Wash away all my guilt; from my sin cleanse me.
For I know my offense; my sin is always before me.
Against you alone have I sinned; I have done such evil in your sight That you are just in your sentence, blameless when you condemn.

True, I was born guilty, a sinner, even as my mother conceived me.
Still, you insist on sincerity of heart; in my inmost being teach me wisdom.
Cleanse me with hyssop, that I may be pure; wash me, make me whiter than snow.
Let me hear sounds of joy and gladness; let the bones you have crushed rejoice.
Turn away your face from my sins; blot out all my guilt.
A clean heart create for me, God; renew in me a steadfast spirit.
Do not drive me from your presence, nor take from me your holy spirit.
Restore my joy in your salvation; sustain in me a willing spirit.
I will teach the wicked your ways, that sinners may return to you.
Rescue me from death, God, my saving God, that my tongue may praise your healing power.
Lord, open my lips; my mouth will proclaim your praise.
For you do not desire sacrifice; a burnt offering you would not accept.
My sacrifice, God, is a broken spirit; God, do not spurn a broken, humbled heart.
Make Zion prosper in your good pleasure; rebuild the walls of Jerusalem.

Then you will be pleased with proper sacrifice, burnt offerings and holocausts; then bullocks will be offered on your altar.

You have so much to gain in going to confession. The only thing you have to loose is fear.

May the peace of Jesus Christ be always with you!

 

[Mark_Robert]

It sounds like you have far too much time on your hands that leads to excessive introspection. That is what is making you so miserable. You need to get the focus off yourself and on to others. Join some charitiable organization and start helping people with their problems. That will take a lot of the focus off yourself and a lot of your fretting will fall by the wayside.

 

[peary]

So, about a year ago, I began to get unhappy, and was soon sucked into a downward spiral. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and severe manic depression, and as we’ve experimented with treatments, things grew worse and worse.

My moods were cycling at a terrifying speed–one moment I was out-of-control ecstatic, and this would be followed by long, long periods of gut-wrenching misery so deep that I was nearly comatose. I couldn’t speak or get out of bed. During this time I started engaging in several very sinful behaviors, mostly, not to be graphic, sins of the flesh. I’m far from proud of it, but I can see now I was just trying to stop the pain.

Well, things are much better now–not back to my old self, but getting there–and I am trying to return to my old faith, my old prayers, my old devotion.

Turns out it’s not that simple. I can’t pray, can’t really worship, can’t do any of it anymore.

I want to, so much it hurts. But when I try to pray, I can’t, not even the Rosary. My mind blanks out and refuses to focus. I get myself to Mass, but then I feel so empty. Which, okay, I’m there for Him, not me, but I can’t even say the prayers out loud. I try, and it feels like something’s seized up in my throat, and my lips won’t form the words.

Same thing when I try to pray on my own–my body and mind won’t connect with prayer. I can’t even get myself to Confession; I haven’t been in six months, and oh how I need to go, but when I try, my throat thickens and I have a panic attack.

It’s terrifying; I feel like there’s a huge wall separating me from God, and this despair and continual mental health issues keep trying to suck me back into sin, which is the last thing I want. I go to Mass; I’m reading spiritual books to try to connect; I’ve bought a Brown Scapular, though I haven’t had it blessed. I’m trying, but it feels so impossible.

How can I fix this? I just feel so lost and scared and alone. Does God still love me? Does He want me anymore? Or have I fallen too far to come back?

***The Practice of the Presence of God *is a text compiled by Father Joseph de Beaufort of the wisdom and teachings of Brother Lawrence, a 17th century Carmelite monk. You might want to check it out. Its basic premise is that we do not have to go searching for God because God surrounds us always. We live and move and have our being in God. This is different than, say, praying the rosary or attempting prescribed prayers. One just sits (or kneels) and becomes aware of God in, through, and with him (or her). I do this when my prayer life is weak, and I recite the biblical verse “Be still and know that I am God”. It is very powerful.

Just try letting go and letting God take over. Forget attempting to do the prayers you did, and allow the Lord to bring you into a personal prayer relationship with Him.**

 

[Elizastaci]

It sounds like you have far too much time on your hands that leads to excessive introspection. That is what is making you so miserable. You need to get the focus off yourself and on to others. Join some charitiable organization and start helping people with their problems. That will take a lot of the focus off yourself and a lot of your fretting will fall by the wayside.

I actually do those things now, and as for too much time on my hands, it’s actually rather the opposite. I spend so much time taking care of everyone else in my life, and fixing their problems, that it’s been a really, really long time since I’ve been able to focus at all on my own. I am only doing so now under direction from my therapist-- a Catholic nun, by the way.

As for what’s making me so miserable, much of that can be chalked up to the very severe manic depression. Those who haven’t suffered it tend to underestimate just how horrible it is, because it’s gruesome physical, mental, spiritual pain.

I do appreciate that you took the time to give advice! And I wish it were that simple, but I’m afraid it isn’t.

 

[BarbaraTherese]

I actually do those things now, and as for too much time on my hands, it’s actually rather the opposite. I spend so much time taking care of everyone else in my life, and fixing their problems, that it’s been a really, really long time since I’ve been able to focus at all on my own. I am only doing so now under direction from my therapist-- a Catholic nun, by the way.

It may be wise to discuss all in your opening post with your nun-therapist and to follow her advice. Is she also directing you spiritually? Even if she is not, I think it would be very wise to be directed by her advice.
I suffer Bipolar and prior to (now) having a priest as both director and confessor and is familiar with my brand of the illness, the Catholic religious sister who directed me became familiar with my particular brand of Bipolar through our discussions. And my confessor at the time was equally familiar through my Confessions.
Since you have gone through a major upheaval in the way you live your life from focusing on others to giving more time to yourself, this major change of itself can be very stressful…and sometimes sufferers of Bipolar under stress have almost a myriad of thoughts, even doubts etc., coming and going at alarming pace.
Talking to too many people and seeking their advice can very often lead to confusion and quite probably little else and especially if a sufferer is under stress and ‘cycling’. During an episode or episodes the tremendous stress one is under reduces one’s moral culpability to next to nil, if not nil altogether.

God still loves you and with great tenderness…only sufferers and God know just how hellish mental illness can be and it is the cross that you carry.
http://cathnews.com/news/602/doc/10wds2.htm
THE MENTALLY ILL PATIENT: A FAITHFUL IMAGE OF GOD.
Cardinal Javier
President of the Pontifical Council for Health and Pastoral
Care, Vatican City

Blessings…and Peace…Barb

 

[BarbaraTherese]

I had forgotten the quite complex waters that Cardinal Javier’s talk wades into, and so I have drawn out of the overall address, areas more simple to understand and the theological and spiritual aspect of mental illness and sufferers:
PS Times of stress and Bipolar (in this instance) acting up, it is a time to be more gentle with oneself than normal. Probably sustained mental prayer or concentrating of any kind is minimal to impossible…very short acts of Faith, of Hope and of Love during the day at these times are the best way to go I think. But speak with your therapist and be guided by her…God’s Blessings with His Peace always…

If the above holds true, I would like to move a step further and venture a statement that might shed light on the issue, from the point of view of Moral Theology. The statement is that: the mentally ill person is not a deformed image of God but, rather, a faithful image of God, our Lord. …

Therefore, once the mental illness has caused such a disorder as to take away from the mentally ill patient any responsibility for his actions, qualifying them as separation from the divine will -as a sin-*** the mental patient cannot separate from God. In other words, the image of God in him cannot be distorted.*** In this case his knowledge or his volitive option are no longer sufficient to motivate any human action that separates him from God. His bodily and psychic conditions do not allow him to commit a grave sin, given that in his state of disequilibrium he does not have that full knowledge and ability of assent required to sin…

If we approach the argument from this point of view, whereby the mentally ill patient does not have the knowledge or the faculty of full consent required to commit a mortal sin, his is not a deformed image of God, since that image can only be deformed by sin. Certainly, it is the suffering image of God, but not a deformed image. He is a reflection of the mystery of the victorious Cross of the Lord. Inspired by the image of the Suffering Servant of Yahweh (Isaiah 53, 1-7) we are drawn to a conscious act of faith in the suffering Christ. …

This is not comprehensible to a secularized mentality; it is only understood within the context of Christian optimism, which stems from a reasoned faith that tells us how in such circumstances our obligations towards a mentally ill person, on one hand satisfy our duty to see the suffering Christ in the poor and less protected; and on the other hand the idea of seeing in the patient the love of God who has indicated him as his chosen one, in the sense that he shall not be separated from Him.
He is therefore a proof of the crucified love of God…
Remembering that sentence engraved on the lintel of a German hospital “Infirmis sicut Christo” – to the sick as to Christ- I would like to conclude my reflection insisting on this image of Christ suffering in the depth of his soul, full of pain and affliction, yet he succeeds in transforming this evil into a source of life, since his pain and suffering constitute the nucleus of his Resurrection, and therefore our salvation. ***Our way of approach to the mentally ill is a difficult test for our faith. Handling them effectively means professing our faith in the agonizing and suffering Christ, but at the same time victorious. This is the sense of today’s celebration of the World Day of the Sick, dedicated to the mentally ill patients. ***