I will keep her and her husband in my prayers. If she has been attending AlAnon for years, she knows very well that there is no magic formula to make him want to stop drinking, that is something he must want to do for himself. Threatening to leave him, or actually leaving him, will not motivate him, enabling him to continue to drink while picking up the responsibilities that ought to be his will only let him drink more, and it is impossible to distract an alcoholic from drinking by doing such things as substituting beer for liquor, encouraging more physical exercise, keeping him busy, etc, etc. An alcoholic who is hell-bent on drinking will find a way to do it, and unless they are actually bedridden, they are extremely clever at hiding alcohol right under their families’ noses!
I am wondering, actually, if despite all the AlAnon meetings your friend has been attending for years, whether she has done a few things like attend some open meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous. Actually hearing the stories of some alcoholics, especially those in recovery, might give her a clearer picture of what she is actually dealing with. These are extremely sick people when they are drinking. But a lot of people have managed to get and stay sober for decades and go on to regain their health and standing in the community. Two books she really ought to get, if she hasn’t already gotten them, are the books, Alcoholics Anonymous, and The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage.
If she is actually being physically endangered by him, she must attend to her own safety, and the Church permits separation for such grave reasons. She knows, or ought to know from attending AlAnon for so long, that she must pay attention to her own health, safety, and sanity. Additionally, if they have children, she must objectively assess the impact that their father’s active alcoholism has on them, and weigh that against the difficulties of raising them on her own. She will be most unlikely to even be able to get child support from him if he is this far advanced.
I’ve been a member of AlAnon for a few decades: We had several alcoholics in my family, and their behavior while drinking was egregious. Two of them have been sober for over twenty years now. The rest of them have died of their disease in one way or another. I still attend AlAnon to deal with some of my own attitudes which were somewhat misshapen by having them around while I was growing up.
I made the very basic suggestions and observations that I made because I have noticed through my own years in AlAnon that there are plenty of spouses of alcoholics who, despite attending, do not put many of the suggestions of the twelve steps into practice, do not read the literature, do not rely on AlAnon friends for support, and somehow manage to cling to the idea that they will be able to control and stop the alcoholic’s drinking. This kind of denial is as profound as the active alcoholic’s denial of his drinking, and can be as lethal. I frequently look around me at meetings and see women with high blood pressure, bad health habits, and absolutely no sense of proportion about their current degree of suffering. Frequently, these are the women who attend during particularly acute crises and then disappear for months at a time from meetings. They do not take care of themselves on any decent human level. All of these things do not make their husbands drink or not drink, but they certainly add to the misery of living with an active alcoholic.
I’m also making the suggestion that she might want to contact a spiritual director, possibly a religious sister with training and experience in spiritual direction. I’m making that suggestion because being married to an active alcoholic brings up some very gender-specific issues which she might be more comfortable discussing with a woman, as opposed to a priest (obviously, a man.)
If she leaves him, he might engage in violent behavior directed at her, the children, or even towards himself: Alcoholics have a higher completed suicide rate than the rest of the population. They also tend to be more violent because they are so disinhibited by the alcohol. He may, of course, do any of those things if she stays as well.
If his drinking is as severely progressed as you imply, he might not be able to stop.
As I said before, I will tonight entrust your friend and her family to God, and ask that His will be done in this sad situation.
