Severing “Family” Ties

[El_PAso]

In 1982 I fathered a son out of wed lock. Young and stupid. The mother was no wiser and after less than a year up and left and married another. They caught me in bad straights and forced me to give him over for adoption. When he was 16 they decided to tell him about me and we met once. His troubles were just beginning.

I did not hear from him for ~6 years. He called asking for money which I gave. He then wanted to come and live with me. I had a room mate who had 10 and 16 year old boys. I knew he was into drinking and other pursuits. I said he can come and live with me if he obeys the rules. He was ~22 at the time. He quickly broke all the rules. Refused to get a job, preferring to pan handle. Everyone was quickly unhappy. I offered to buy him a car, get him a job and send him to school. My family wanted to help too but he just wanted to party. I paid for him to move out and gave him what cash I had.

Shortly there after he called my family demanding money saying we owed him. He came back to the neighborhood and stole ~$4000 worth of goods that were recovered.

He then went on an adventure of felonies and has a long list of incarcerations. He recently called again asking for money and saying he wants to meet the family. I’m quite convinced he has drained the other family dry of any sympathy and looking for more free opportunities. When I suggest maybe if he is in recovery he curses me and hangs up.

Now he is lurking around on the Internet via friends. While I fathered him I did not raise him and every contact with him has been draining and ended in very bad events of theft or corrupting the situation. I have had zero influence on him and he does not seem interested in other than hand outs. While I really am through with him I am more concerned about my family, mother and sisters being taken advantage of. He is a master manipulator and can clean up just enough to get in graces and rob you blind or at least this has been the pattern. There is more to the story I have learned but this should suffice.

I am prepared to say good bye forever or at least quite some time until he can put together some sustained sobriety and a stable life. If I never hear from him again I will be ok. I pray for him every day.

Basically I have written him off and on one hand it feels ok as I said to protect my family on the other there is still a connection of something. Perhaps just my wishing I had a son (I have no other children) or perhaps part of my journey. Christ can forgive anything but this man does not seem contrite in the least.

What would be the Christian thing to do?

 

[Xantippe]

What would be the Christian thing to do?

Put your soft-touch relatives on notice of your son’s issues and limit your future contributions (barring some major change of life) to the following sort of stuff:

–an occasional book on personal finance, career development, dealing with substance abuse, self help, religion, etc. That might be especially helpful when he’s in jail and has a lot of free time to read. No hard cover books in jail, I hear. Don’t spend a lot and don’t send too many at the same time.
–offer to put him through a personal finance course. (You pay for it rather than sending cash, of course.)
–If you are a small business person and you are willing to take the risk of having him around, offer him piece-work projects that would work out to something like $10 an hour. No hourly rate, naturally.
–If he has kids (and what are the odds of that?–pretty high at this point), maybe concentrate your financial efforts on any of them that look promising?

He’s a 30-something man now. It’s time for him to to make his own way.

Best wishes!

 

[Anglewannabe]

I agree with warning your mom and sisters and then I would just cut him out of your life. Yes there will be some grief to deal with and that is where Jesus comes in

I probably have an unpopular opinion, but here it is. Sometimes it is nice for adopted children to meet their biological parents. However, it is NOT a requirement. When you sign over the adoption papers you didn’t just get the disadvantages of loosing your son, you also were free of the responsibilities. If the mother did not let you raise him, you are not responsible for how he turned out

Angie

 

[sscott]

Did you ever have a paternity test? I would find out if he really is your son before he extorts more money from you. On the other hand if he is yours, then you indeed owe him and his mother back child support.

 

[El_PAso]

Thank you for the kind responses.

I think through many of the Father and Son parables Jesus provides and lose sight he is neither contrite or willing.

I recall when he came around when he was ~22. I was honest and said I had no clue as to what to do other than share what I have. He seemed to be wanting more, free money!

I recall I got him a position with a VERY prestigious artist who was willing to share 30 years of her experience with him on the condition he won’t copy her work but build on it. Without blinking he said “I’ll copy everything she shows me”. Needless to say they never met.

It’s so strange. I had trouble with drugs and alcohol in my 20’s but it just made me lazy. I was no angel to be sure but I was always willing to work and taught myself trades. I tried to offer all the things I wished and prayed I had offered to me to him and it was thrown back in my face.

My issue as it is becoming clearer is I hope he would get it together, sober up, have a family come into my life with grandchildren. each time he contacts me or I hear of him I am hoping this but it becomes more of the same. Last communication it started off on a positive note but within minutes of learning I won’t send him money he cursed me…again… As I recall he is quite cruel in his words as well, a lot of anger. The kind that doesn’t seem to go away in short order without some sort of spiritual awakening of which he despises. He said OD’ing on heroin was a spiritual experience….

I should probably cut him lose and hope and pray he does puts his life together.

Blessings to all!

EP

 

[CruxMihiAncora]

There are a lot of emotions associated with being abandoned by a biological parent. He may have used drinking and other things to distract him from it and now is dependent on that lifestyle. That being said, enabling him is the least helpful thing that can be done. I would explain that to your well-meaning relatives but also be available to offer constructive help if and when he is ready. Until that point there’s nothing you can do except pray.

 

[CruxMihiAncora]

Did you ever have a paternity test? I would find out if he really is your son before he extorts more money from you. On the other hand if he is yours, then you indeed owe him and his mother back child support.

Giving a child up for adoption means you no longer have rights or responsibility to the child. The person who adopts him and agrees to be his father is the one who is responsible for supporting him.

 

[1ke]

you indeed owe him and his mother back child support.

This is absolutely NOT the case. The mother coerced the OP into relinquishing his parental rights, took his child and had him adopted by her husband.

The OP has no legal obligations to this man, certainly not financial ones. He has been more than generous and has had nothing but trouble in return.

 

[El_PAso]

There are a lot of emotions associated with being abandoned by a biological parent…

Yes I’m sure there is but his troubles started before he even knew about me. I think introducing him to me was an attempt to straighten him out.

I frankly doubt if I have had any impact except as a scape goat. I have pointed out to him he had WAY better than I who had no father and my sisters were moved out by the time I was 7 and mom was unstable at best.

His “father” and mother are well off offered him a great deal, more than I ever could have.

Just a bad seed so far…

Thanks,

EP

 

[1ke]

Yes I’m sure there is but his troubles started before he even knew about me. I think introducing him to me was an attempt to straighten him out.

I frankly doubt if I have had any impact except as a scape goat. I have pointed out to him he had WAY better than I who had no father and my sisters were moved out by the time I was 7 and mom was unstable at best.

His “father” and mother are well off offered him a great deal, more than I ever could have.

Just a bad seed so far…

Thanks,

EP

Don’t blame yourself. I think you have a good handle on things-- he was on a bad path before he met you. I am sure this is difficult for you. Pray for him. But you do not have to have him in your life. The drugs are a powerful influence and if he cannot or will not get sober, you will have to limit contact and certainly refrain from giving him money.

 

[mountee]

Not sure what I would be capable of doing either, but somehow cutting him off completely would be hard to do. You are trying to fix a grown man who sounds troubled, that will not be easy. Instead of giving him anything else would it be possible to offer to pay for counseling, which is what he sounds like he really needs. I will pray for you to make a choice that is good for him and that you can live with.

 

[El_PAso]

Did you ever have a paternity test? I would find out if he really is your son before he extorts more money from you. On the other hand if he is yours, then you indeed owe him and his mother back child support.

No….

He was adopted away from me at less than a year old. I supported them the entire time they were with me and she moved in with the man she would marry right away when she left.

Child support was never a question.

Thanks,

EP

 

[St_Francis]

He’s made it very clear that all he wants from you and your family is money. He doesn’t want a relationship, and in no way has any right to your money.

Cut him off and pray for him–that seems like the only thing to do. Helping him in any way seems to only be keeping him from havinga wake-up call that will affect him enough to motivate him to make the changes he needs to make. Pray that he will heed the wake-up call before he dies…

 

[Xantippe]

I recall I got him a position with a VERY prestigious artist who was willing to share 30 years of her experience with him on the condition he won’t copy her work but build on it. Without blinking he said “I’ll copy everything she shows me”. Needless to say they never met.

That kind of sounds like a sociopath. See here:

psychologytoday.com/articles/201305/how-spot-sociopath

I haven’t read the book and I’m not familiar in detail with that particular pathology, but I believe that The Sociopath Next Door may be helpful to you.

You might also want to check in with your son’s mom and dad every year or so, because it wouldn’t surprise me if he tells a lot of stories to each side about how unfair the other side is being and how badly he has been treated, tra la la.

 

[Xantippe]

When he calls, tell him you are praying for him but that is all you have to offer him at this time. He will probably hang up. Same thing if he calls you months down the road, simply tell him you are praying for him.

I don’t think you need to give him an explanation, he already knows why he is just trying to manipulate you. He is a desperate person that probably has no friends or family left that will help him. I don’t think you need to “officially” cut him off, he will probably cut himself off from you once he knows you won’t give him anything. Praying he turns his life around, thank you for sharing your story.

Yes.

The aunties and grandmas may need a little moral support in helping them resist the urge to send him money. “It didn’t help him the last six times, Aunt Loraine, so it’s not going to help him this time. Let’s save our money to help family members who are doing the right thing or have fallen on hard times through no fault of their own. Cousin Steve and his wife just had a new baby with a heart defect–I bet they could use a little help. And Cousin Joe is getting out of the military this year–I bet he could use a little help while he looks for a job.”

There are some many needy people in our families who would never dream of asking us for help, no matter how much they are struggling. Let’s look around and figure out who they are.

 

[sscott]

@El PAso- Sorry I missed the part about the adoption, I guess I didn’t read carefully enough. Of course you don’t owe him any support. Sometimes it works out with adopted people meeting their birth parents. TV is full of that. Unfortunately, Oprah doesn’t put on shows where it doesn’t wok out, which I suspect is the norm. Since you don’t actually owe him the money, you have to protect yourself from extortion. His adopted father is the one responsible and you shouldn’t have to feel obligated. I still think you should find a way to get a paternity test done. Since all the post birth arrangements were made so quickly, wonder if the new husband is indeed the baby-daddy, in which case this would add a whole new dimension to your relationship. Maybe your poorly behaved “son” smokes cigarettes. They are a very good source of DNA.
Good luck in the future. I’m sorry for all your pain.

 

[Anglewannabe]

There are a lot of emotions associated with being abandoned by a biological parent. .

In fairness to the OP, he never abandoned his son. The mom took him away and in 1982, I doubt many father’s won custody battles

 

[CruxMihiAncora]

In fairness to the OP, he never abandoned his son. The mom took him away and in 1982, I doubt many father’s won custody battles

I’m sure he was trying to do the best he could for his son. Unfortunately, adopted children often just see the fact that a parent signed papers to sever ties with them, not the reasoning behind it. Unless there was some extenuating circumstances, the court probably wouldn’t have stripped him of his rights. I agree it was definitely hard for a father to win a custody battle. Its more likely for a father to get limited visitation and an order to pay child support, but that is neither here nor there. I want to make it clear that I am not blaming the OP for his son’s problems.