Sex and Dating

[zarek]

I am sorry for posting a similar topic like this again. But it drives me crazy. I can not even focus on work anymore.

I am 23, and so horribley embarrassed at myself for never having a girl friend and having no sexual experience when most people YOUNGER than me have. Im so ashamed of myself to the point when i want to cry/hurt myself, and that is making me feel even worse. But at the end of the day, i dont WANT to sleep with someone. I want to wait till im married. I have depression, and i recognize that its not a good idea for me to sleep with anyone cause the guilt could push me over the edge.

 

[1ke]

I am sorry for posting a similar topic like this again. But it drives me crazy. I can not even focus on work anymore.

Please get help from a competent therapist. You have some deep issues, and they cannot be solved on an internet forum.

I am 23, and so horribley embarrassed at myself for never having a girl friend and having no sexual experience when most people YOUNGER than me have.

a) I don’t know why you feel the need to define your self worth on this basis, but it is something to discuss with a therapist and your pastor.

b) Don’t believe everything you hear, because people lie and exaggerate their sexual experience in the teen and early twenties.

c) I’m not sure why you are embarrassed by being faithful to God’s commandments. Again, something to discuss with pastor and therapist.

d) (ETA) While it may **feel **like you are the only one, there are MANY young, faithful Catholics and Christians who do not view dating and sexual experience as goals. Perhaps your pastor can put you in touch with more like-minded individuals.

Im so ashamed of myself to the point when i want to cry/hurt myself, and that is making me feel even worse. But at the end of the day, i dont WANT to sleep with someone. I want to wait till im married. I have depression, and i recognize that its not a good idea for me to sleep with anyone cause the guilt could push me over the edge.

PLEASE get professional help. Something is very wrong here.

 

[cstheriot]

I am sorry for posting a similar topic like this again. But it drives me crazy. I can not even focus on work anymore.

I am 23, and so horribley embarrassed at myself for never having a girl friend and having no sexual experience when most people YOUNGER than me have. Im so ashamed of myself to the point when i want to cry/hurt myself, and that is making me feel even worse. But at the end of the day, i dont WANT to sleep with someone. I want to wait till im married. I have depression, and i recognize that its not a good idea for me to sleep with anyone cause the guilt could push me over the edge.

You are a good man!

I was like you, I did not have a girlfriend all though high school. I started talking with a girl in between my freshman and sophomore years of college. We decided very early that purity was important in our relationship and put things in place to make sure we stayed pure in our relationship. We wound up getting married right after we graduated college, and it was the best day of my life. I am 25 now, have a child, and another expected in May, and I could not be happier.

My point in sharing that with you is to give you hope. I did not join in the dating game and play around. I had never had a girlfriend. I heard comments all the time about how I wouldn’t know what I wanted in a wife if I didn’t date. I heard comments judging me when asking which “base” I had made it to. Saying how would I know if she was “good” if I didn’t sleep with her first. The judging and criticism was so rough. That is a sad fact of our world today. But you are doing it right.

Following the truth is never easy. The devil attacks us constantly. But Jesus promises to walk with us if we follow him. Was my journey tough? Absolutely! But let me tell you…it was TOTALLY worth it!! I love my wife more than anything in the world, and it is such a blessing to me that I was able to give her my whole heart, with no prior attachments or heart breaks.

Keep up the faith! Your witness is a blessing to us. I understand its tough, but keep trusting God. Keep following his commands, and he will bless you for it!

My friend, you will be in my prayers. Keep in prayer and love and trusting God. I will be praying for you and your journey in faith. May God bless you!!

p.s. if you have never looked into Theology of the Body, I highly encourage it. It is so great and has a lot of great information that will show you the truth about real love, sex, and relationships. Again, God bless you!

 

[cstheriot]

While it may **feel **like you are the only one, there are MANY young, faithful Catholics and Christians who do not view dating and sexual experience as goals. Perhaps your pastor can put you in touch with more like-minded individuals

This is so true!! There are many people out there who believe the same truths that we do. Again, please look into Theology of the Body. Find others who want to study it too, and do a bible study on it. Very important though to find good friends who believe in this as well! Those are the friends you want to have.

 

[zarek]

Please get help from a competent therapist. You have some deep issues, and they cannot be solved on an internet forum.

a) I don’t know why you feel the need to define your self worth on this basis, but it is something to discuss with a therapist and your pastor.

b) Don’t believe everything you hear, because people lie and exaggerate their sexual experience in the teen and early twenties.

c) I’m not sure why you are embarrassed by being faithful to God’s commandments. Again, something to discuss with pastor and therapist.

d) (ETA) While it may **feel **like you are the only one, there are MANY young, faithful Catholics and Christians who do not view dating and sexual experience as goals. Perhaps your pastor can put you in touch with more like-minded individuals.

PLEASE get professional help. Something is very wrong here.

Im well aware something is wrong. Ive had depression for the past seven years. And the problem is… i dont see my self as being catholic anymore. I gave that up. However, I just happen to have many of the same values as people that are catholic. And i just cant help but feel terribly embarrassed. This has been one of the driving things towards my depression

 

[zarek]

i am 23 and out of college though. my only friend in the area is moving by august. i feel like ive run out of time to meet a proper girl. and im not concerned that i will not be able to resist not having sex. thats not the problem. the problem is finding someone like minded…

You are a good man!

I was like you, I did not have a girlfriend all though high school. I started talking with a girl in between my freshman and sophomore years of college. We decided very early that purity was important in our relationship and put things in place to make sure we stayed pure in our relationship. We wound up getting married right after we graduated college, and it was the best day of my life. I am 25 now, have a child, and another expected in May, and I could not be happier.

My point in sharing that with you is to give you hope. I did not join in the dating game and play around. I had never had a girlfriend. I heard comments all the time about how I wouldn’t know what I wanted in a wife if I didn’t date. I heard comments judging me when asking which “base” I had made it to. Saying how would I know if she was “good” if I didn’t sleep with her first. The judging and criticism was so rough. That is a sad fact of our world today. But you are doing it right.

Following the truth is never easy. The devil attacks us constantly. But Jesus promises to walk with us if we follow him. Was my journey tough? Absolutely! But let me tell you…it was TOTALLY worth it!! I love my wife more than anything in the world, and it is such a blessing to me that I was able to give her my whole heart, with no prior attachments or heart breaks.

Keep up the faith! Your witness is a blessing to us. I understand its tough, but keep trusting God. Keep following his commands, and he will bless you for it!

My friend, you will be in my prayers. Keep in prayer and love and trusting God. I will be praying for you and your journey in faith. May God bless you!!

p.s. if you have never looked into Theology of the Body, I highly encourage it. It is so great and has a lot of great information that will show you the truth about real love, sex, and relationships. Again, God bless you!

 

[cstheriot]

i am 23 and out of college though. my only friend in the area is moving by august. i feel like ive run out of time to meet a proper girl. and im not concerned that i will not be able to resist not having sex. thats not the problem. the problem is finding someone like minded…

Right. I understand. It would seem as though that would be the case. However, there are lots of other people who are in the same boat as you. My sister is one. She graduated college last year, and has never met someone she would be interested in dating. And I have several other friends in that same place as well.

Here is my advice. Does your local church have a young adult group? That is a great place to meet people. Also, a great place that I have met great faith filled people is at young adult bible studies, Come Lord Jesus groups, or other things. I would look for those in your community. If there is no young adult groups in your area, don’t hesitate to start one!

One of my best friends just started a young adult group. They meet together to pray, play, and just hang out. They do adoration together, mass, and fun activities, like softball, cruises, etc. He didn’t think anyone would come to their meetings, because he didn’t know other young adults, but they did come.

I would advise you to talk to your pastor at your local church and see if he knows of any groups. He may even know other young adults that are looking for these same things as well.

Keep your chin up!

 

[zarek]

there are some young adult groups in the area. i have been trying to go to those, with no lucky. social anxiety makes it a little difficult… and i still find it unlikley that i wil lmake a friend there, because im not the best at making friends, and it usually takestime. if i see people only once a month, i dont see it likely that ill be making friends.

and i sorta gave up being catholic so some serious reasons. so attending certain things, ie adoration ,mass, is out of the question

Right. I understand. It would seem as though that would be the case. However, there are lots of other people who are in the same boat as you. My sister is one. She graduated college last year, and has never met someone she would be interested in dating. And I have several other friends in that same place as well.

Here is my advice. Does your local church have a young adult group? That is a great place to meet people. Also, a great place that I have met great faith filled people is at young adult bible studies, Come Lord Jesus groups, or other things. I would look for those in your community. If there is no young adult groups in your area, don’t hesitate to start one!

One of my best friends just started a young adult group. They meet together to pray, play, and just hang out. They do adoration together, mass, and fun activities, like softball, cruises, etc. He didn’t think anyone would come to their meetings, because he didn’t know other young adults, but they did come.

I would advise you to talk to your pastor at your local church and see if he knows of any groups. He may even know other young adults that are looking for these same things as well.

Keep your chin up!

 

[cstheriot]

there are some young adult groups in the area. i have been trying to go to those, with no lucky. social anxiety makes it a little difficult… and i still find it unlikley that i wil lmake a friend there, because im not the best at making friends, and it usually takestime. if i see people only once a month, i dont see it likely that ill be making friends.

and i sorta gave up being catholic so some serious reasons. so attending certain things, ie adoration ,mass, is out of the question

Its good that there are groups. And yes, it is difficult when only meeting once a month. I like to look at these groups as starters. Meaning, go there to meet people who believe the same things as you. Then, grow the friendships from there. Go get coffee together, lunch, try to meet and talk more often than just at the group meeting times. That is why I suggest mass, adoration, etc. because that is a great place to meet (non-pressure) and get to know one another better and grow a friendship. Maybe see if you can start a weekly bible study with one of those groups. That would be a way to meet more often.

As far as the reasons for not being Catholic, I really encourage you to look into those. The sacraments would be great places for you to go to receive guidance and to experience the love of God. Not to mention all of the wonderful, amazing graces that come from the sacraments. I know that sometimes there seems to be grave reasons that one would leave the church, I just encourage you to really pray, discern, and seek the truth about the faith.

 

[LittleFlower378]

I am sorry for posting a similar topic like this again. But it drives me crazy. I can not even focus on work anymore.

I am 23, and so horribley embarrassed at myself for never having a girl friend and having no sexual experience when most people YOUNGER than me have. Im so ashamed of myself to the point when i want to cry/hurt myself, and that is making me feel even worse. But at the end of the day, i dont WANT to sleep with someone. I want to wait till im married. I have depression, and i recognize that its not a good idea for me to sleep with anyone cause the guilt could push me over the edge.

Consider yourself blessed God has protected you from fornication. It was not so in my case, I made wrong decisions. Stay strong in God and His Church!

 

[1ke]

Im well aware something is wrong. Ive had depression for the past seven years. And the problem is… i dont see my self as being catholic anymore. I gave that up. However, I just happen to have many of the same values as people that are catholic. And i just cant help but feel terribly embarrassed. This has been one of the driving things towards my depression

Awareness is the first step. But treatment is vital. You don’t mention being under the care of a therapist or counselor. In addition to depression you also mention social anxiety. These are definitely things that you need to be under professional care for.

 

[zarek]

i have been getting treatment. it just hasnt been very good. ive been on a dozen different meds, and had a lot of docstors. im currently looking for anew therapist because my current one isnt helpful.

Awareness is the first step. But treatment is vital. You don’t mention being under the care of a therapist or counselor. In addition to depression you also mention social anxiety. These are definitely things that you need to be under professional care for.

 

[Beryllos]

You’re only 23. Don’t be in such a hurry! My advice is to just get out of the house and do various things that you enjoy with other people. Most of the women you meet in this way will not be date-eligible as far as you’re concerned, but sooner or later it could happen, and the other people you meet and the things you do along the way will prepare you for the moment you unexpectedly meet the one you are hoping for.

 

[adamhovey1988]

I am almost 28. I became sexually active at about 12. I really wish I’d waited until marriage. You become addicted. You want more and more. You think it is just meaningless sex until you find someone that seems to care about you. You say "well, it’s only with one person until that relationship ends and you become a porn addict. It gets so bad that you have no regard for the law. You and your gf or bf have at it at in school or in a mall elevator. You’ become emotionally attached to those you have sex with, even if that emotion not reciprocal. Please, don’t lose your soul.

 

[zarek]

im not a risk of becomming sexually active before i get married. thats not the problem. im just embarrased. most people ten years younger than me have had sex. and its just embarrassing, on a masculinity level.

and im concerned on whether or not ill be able to FIND a girl who thinks the same way i do.

I am almost 28. I became sexually active at about 12. I really wish I’d waited until marriage. You become addicted. You want more and more. You think it is just meaningless sex until you find someone that seems to care about you. You say "well, it’s only with one person until that relationship ends and you become a porn addict. It gets so bad that you have no regard for the law. You and your gf or bf have at it at in school or in a mall elevator. You’ become emotionally attached to those you have sex with, even if that emotion not reciprocal. Please, don’t lose your soul.

 

[adamhovey1988]

im not a risk of becomming sexually active before i get married. thats not the problem. im just embarrased. most people ten years younger than me have had sex. and its just embarrassing, on a masculinity level.

and im concerned on whether or not ill be able to FIND a girl who thinks the same way i do.

You say you’re not at risk. But think about what you wrote. Are you sure? It seems the thought of sex seems to be eating at you. It’s an itch that never goes away, no matter how much you scratch.

 

[zarek]

i am positive. it is eating away at me because its embarassing for a 23 year old guy to not have had sex at this age. but because of my depression, along with my medication, my drive is almost non existance. which is embarassing also…

You say you’re not at risk. But think about what you wrote. Are you sure? It seems the thought of sex seems to be eating at you. It’s an itch that never goes away, no matter how much you scratch.

 

[1ke]

its embarassing for a 23 year old guy to not have had sex at this age.

What makes this embarrassing?

 

[zarek]

most people my age and younger have had relations. also, most girls expect a guy to be sexually expeirenced. for example, i have an okcupid dating profile. on the profile, you can asnwer questions and see how you stack up with others. on average, the majority of people admit to having sex within 3-5 dates. adn this blows my mind and makes me really insecure about myself.

What makes this embarrassing?

 

[dangerousdyls]

I was in the same shoes you were… a 23 year old male who hadn’t had sex, and I also felt embarrassed about it. I remember specifically one time I was working as a waiter, and the guys were talking about it. One of the guys asked me directly when my “first time” was. I wanted to lie, but I told him the truth, that I’d never done it. He was shocked, looked at me like I was crazy and stupid. I felt super embarrassed, I’m sure my face was bright red.

The media and some people will tell you differently, but there’s nothing embarrassing about being a virgin. Also, there’s nothing manly about having premarital sex or being more “experienced”. A real man protects the hearts of women, that’s what you’re doing by saving yourself. I hope you can get some more confidence with your decision to save sex.

The path is narrow, you might be right that many others have experienced it, but it doesn’t mean you’re alone.

Also, I’m really curious about your rift with the Church. Do you mind if I ask…do you consider yourself a Christian? What hinders you from Catholicism? I think making a decision and going to a church, any church, could help you build some friendships. Maybe sorting that out could help you out too