Sex as a Married Catholic

[Debora123]

I’m seeing a lot of “pray for strength” and “sacrifice for God” and yadda yadda…

Those things are important, of course. And you should do them too. But the problem with giving those as the ONLY advice is that they don’t really do anything to help you actually physically get over the sexual appetite.

Do you work out at all?

Exercising can really help relieve sexual energy. Try to go for runs, go to the gym, and do workout videos. The more exhausted you get, the better.

Also, sorry if this sounds gross or whatever, but why not just do it while she’s menstruating too? Do it in the shower or something. That’ll give you another 5 days per month right there.

 

[underacloud]

Do you work out at all?

Exercising can really help relieve sexual energy. Try to go for runs, go to the gym, and do workout videos. The more exhausted you get, the better.

I absolutely second this. Exercise hard and you won’t feel like having sex afterwards. It’s a great way to expend pent up energy.

Also, sorry if this sounds gross or whatever, but why not just do it while she’s menstruating too? Do it in the shower or something. That’ll give you another 5 days per month right there.

Some methods of NFP do not allow for this, but my wife and I usually risked it anyway. One of our children may have been the result of such a risk…but it’s a “mistake” I wouldn’t take back.

 

[28562]

Anthony, I certainly understand where you are coming from. I am close to your age, 28. My wife and I have been married for almost 7 years and have 4 children. I have been Catholic my entire life and she converted before we got married, but we haven’t always followed Catholic teaching in regards to sexuality. It didn’t always finish in the right place and I would take care of things myself from time to time. Honestly, it’s because we didn’t know any better. But now we do.
About a year and a half ago, the SHTF in our sex life. It hadn’t been that great for a while and I truly thought that there was something physically wrong with her because she rarely wanted to have sex. We did have sex on a semi regular basis, but it sure was not what you want it to be as she really wasn’t interested. Finally, after things really came to a head, we had a huge fight about it and she told me she never wanted to have sex again. I was devastated and knew that I had to do something to find out what the heck was wrong and what we needed to do to fix it.
I still thought that she was the problem. I didn’t know where to turn, so I came to this forum. In addition, I started praying and spending more time at Church. I learned what the CC teaches about sex and realized how differently I viewed it. I saw sex as a right that I was *entitled *to as a husband. I saw it as something for me to get. I began to see the light…all the years of me being concerned about taking care of my needs and viewing sex as an itch to be scratched had made my wife feel used. This is what happens when sex it taken out of it proper place and is the main desire. I read somewhere “Love your wife and use sex…not love sex and use your wife.” If you are merely looking for an orgasm, your wife WILL eventually feel used as a means to an end. This is NOT going to be a good thing.
I had no idea that I ( I repeat I) had caused so much damage to her by me wanting to get what I want. This doesn’t sound that much different than what you are saying. We worked very, very hard for over a year to repair our relationship. I can promise you that the saving grace was truly accepting and embracing the entire teaching of the Catholic Church. Her stance on sexuality is beautiful and makes more sense than anything I have ever heard about sex from anyone, anywhere. NOW, don’t get me wrong…it isn’t easy! But I promise you on everything I am and everything I have, it is worth it.
My wife and I have an incredible relationship now. It is better than it has ever been in the ten years we have been together. We (especially I) have to make sacrifices that aren’t fun. After the baby was born in November, we didn’t have sex at all for almost two months. I haven’t masturbated in well over a year now. Honestly, my pride in my ‘streak’ is as much of a reason to not do it as following God’s will. I have worked hard to achieve that and I don’t want to start over. Right now, we haven’t had sex in over a month because of learning the Creighton Model of NFP and our instructor said we have to wait…again, no fun…but it will be worth it. We should be good to go next weekend, but I fully expect her to be in a fertile phase and we will be forced to wait longer. LOL…It’s not fun, but I’m not dead. The lack of sex does not consume my every thought. (sometimes it does, but not often) I’m not imprisoned at all by this. Prior to GAINING COMPLETE CONTROL of myself, I was imprisoned by my flesh! NOW, I am free because *I *control me. My *penis *doesn’t control me. It’s not always easy, but it does get easier as time goes on. It hasn’t killed my sex drive and it has definitely increased my wife’s. She knows that I am now in it for the right reasons and she feels loved rather than used.

There is so much more that I had in my mind to say, but I forgot and now I have to get back to work…

Feel free to PM me if you would like. I know where you are and I know where you need to be. It hasn’t been that long since I made that journey myself.

PS–Get a copy of “Be a Man” by Fr Larry Richards. Life changing.

 

[Brando]

Reading your posts, I had a couple thoughts. I’m slightly older than you, but just by a couple years, if I read your post correctly. Definitely close enough to understand where you’re coming from.

My initial thought is on the concept of freedom. Have you ever seen The Shawshank Redemption? If not, there’s a character who has been in prison for decades who can’t handle freedom. That’s where most of us are: we’ve grown up in captivity, enslaved by a culture that tells us that our sexual release is the highest good, and our primary value. Know that you are worth way more than your desires for anything other than sainthood.

For some practical advice, do you have an accountability partner? Someone, not your wife, who can help you with not only this struggle, but help you with being accountable for prayer, for praise and for staying true to the Faith? If not, find one. It seems like maybe some people here would gladly help.

Listen to holy things. Do you have local Catholic radio? EWTN instead of ESPN? If those are options, hold on to them like a drowning man to a life preserver. Because that’s what is happening to us, especially as men. The Enemy wants to destroy us because if he can, then he can get to our wives and children. His main entry point is pop culture that constantly tries to sell us on sexual gratification as the highest good. So we’re drowning in a sea of sludge, but there are alternatives. I can honestly say that the past year of listening to Catholic radio has had a profound impact on my life, and through me to my family. If not, check out some podcasts or talks on CD. Get involved in a men’s group, if there isn’t one, I can direct you to some resources that would help you talk to your pastor about starting one.

Most of all, know that you aren’t alone, that you are capable of being not only a lower case saint, but an upper case, canonized Saint. This is your opportunity to live a life of heroic virtue, one moment at a time.

Which is my last bit of encouragement: don’t focus on forever. Don’t focus on the rest of your life. God wants to give you grace to get through each struggle as it comes. When we take a longer view, it’s easy to get discouraged. But a short view says “it’s not so hard, I just have to get through this moment.”

God bless, and as others have offered, feel free to PM me if you feel any need, and also feel free to disregard everything I’ve said if it isn’t helpful.

Posted from Catholic.com App for Android

 

[hannajomar]

I want to add something else. It seems that our sexual desires often come from our habits. If you have certain habits that have felt good over these years, of course you will desire them as strongly as you do. For many of us, coming into our faith means creating new habits - sexually, financially, socially, in many ways. One thing that I have found, is that when I went against my habits for the sake of my faith, it got easier as time went on. While those desires might never completely leave, they probably won’t stay as pervasive as they are now.

I highly recommend this cd set of a Theology of the Body retreat by Christopher West. “Naked Without Shame.” I’m not exaggerating when I say listening to this has been life-changing and faith-changing. At this site, it appears you can listen online for free as well:
giftfoundation.org/products_naked.cfm

 

[happy_new_conv]

Everyone, thank you so much. 25862 - I certainly will be PMing you.

I’m doing MUCH better with this whole thing - thanks almost completely to what you guys have said here, as well as a fantastic post that I found in another thread, here:

forums.catholic-questions.org/showpost.php?p=9185434&postcount=91

That post really spoke directly to my heart.

I think I was seeing all this through the wrong lens. I think I’d let myself get a little too down about it. Last night, thinking more about it in terms of Blue Horizon’s comments comparing this whole thing to moderating alcohol use, or food consumption, I realized that ‘masturbation’ is the equivalent of binge drinking alone in your apartment, whereas going a little too far with your wife during a fertile period (or something) would be like getting a little tipsy at your daughter’s wedding. Two very different things.

And while it would be bad to go into your daughter’s wedding PLANNING to get drunk - and while it is probably worth confessing - it’s an entirely different thing than binge drinking in your apartment, alone - or stuffing yourself behind McDonalds.

Just realizing that two married love-birds who get carried away is not a mortal sin - but instead, at most a venial sin… makes this much easier for me. My wife and I together are always expressing love and devotion to each other, and so I don’t think we could ever enter mortal sin ‘territory’.

Still: obviously the Church has given us the rule and standard by which we should live, and we most certainly will aim to meet that standard, and use the confessional if we ever fall short.

I really appreciate all of your posts, my friends!

 

[agapewolf]

Everyone, thank you so much. 25862 - I certainly will be PMing you.

I’m doing MUCH better with this whole thing - thanks almost completely to what you guys have said here, as well as a fantastic post that I found in another thread, here:

forums.catholic-questions.org/showpost.php?p=9185434&postcount=91

That post really spoke directly to my heart.

I think I was seeing all this through the wrong lens. I think I’d let myself get a little too down about it. Last night, thinking more about it in terms of Blue Horizon’s comments comparing this whole thing to moderating alcohol use, or food consumption, I realized that ‘masturbation’ is the equivalent of binge drinking alone in your apartment, whereas going a little too far with your wife during a fertile period (or something) would be like getting a little tipsy at your daughter’s wedding. Two very different things.

And while it would be bad to go into your daughter’s wedding PLANNING to get drunk - and while it is probably worth confessing - it’s an entirely different thing than binge drinking in your apartment, alone - or stuffing yourself behind McDonalds.

Just realizing that two married love-birds who get carried away is not a mortal sin - but instead, at most a venial sin… makes this much easier for me. My wife and I together are always expressing love and devotion to each other, and so I don’t think we could ever enter mortal sin ‘territory’.

Still: obviously the Church has given us the rule and standard by which we should live, and we most certainly will aim to meet that standard, and use the confessional if we ever fall short.

I really appreciate all of your posts, my friends!

Not true. Again, read Theology of the Body. John Paul says that it is possible to lust after one’s own wife. Even more so should one be cautious about loving their wife rightly.

 

[happy_new_conv]

Roger that, Agape - I certainly will read it, although I hope it’s not beyond my comprehension.

Which part isn’t true? That it’s not necessarily a mortal sin? I was under the impression that for a sin to be mortal, one has to make the deliberate decision of choosing something over God…

 

[agapewolf]

Roger that, Agape - I certainly will read it, although I hope it’s not beyond my comprehension.

Which part isn’t true? That it’s not necessarily a mortal sin? I was under the impression that for a sin to be mortal, one has to make the deliberate decision of choosing something over God…

Your statement “I don’t think we could ever enter “mortal sin” territory”.

Theology of the Body for Beginners and Good news about sex and marriage by Christopher West won’t be beyond your comprehension.

 

[happy_new_conv]

Ahh, I see your point. Okay friend, I will check them out. I’ve taken 25862’s suggestions on ‘Be a Man’, and am a quarter through it. One at a time, I reckon.

Thanks!

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Roger that, Agape - I certainly will read it, although I hope it’s not beyond my comprehension.

Which part isn’t true? That it’s not necessarily a mortal sin? I was under the impression that for a sin to be mortal, one has to make the deliberate decision of choosing something over God…

Having sexual intercourse that is not oriented toward life IS a mortal sin. Perhaps occasionally, it would be accidental, due to over-stimulation, but in your case, you KNOW that it’s wrong and sinful, so how could that happen? You’d have to allow it to happen, perhaps thinking that it isn’t so bad, and that is a further sin of presumption.

Perhaps you’ve been getting some PMs telling you this is not a big deal? I assure you that it IS a big deal and worthy of your attention to correct.

 

[rmbrulotte]

.

Also, sorry if this sounds gross or whatever, but why not just do it while she’s menstruating too? Do it in the shower or something. That’ll give you another 5 days per month right there.

On the “ask a bioethicist” forum of the Marquette NFP method, I learned that using one of those softcup devices is ok for use during intercourse because it does not prevent pregnancy. So that is an option too if the menstruation aspect is a turn off, or the shower is too small or in too close a proximity to the children’s rooms

 

[tapiocapudding]

you may find that breastfeeding allows you to space your children approximately 2 years apart without any abstaining required. If your wife breastfeeds on demand day and night, average return to fertility is about 14 months after the baby is born which spaces children almost exactly 2 years apart.
My husband and I did not abstain or practice birth control after our first two children and achieved two 23 month spacings naturally.
this definitely doesn’t work for everyone, but MOST people who breastfeed exclusively on demand get at least a 6 month reprieve from cycling.

 

[crazzeto]

Having sexual intercourse that is not oriented toward life IS a mortal sin. Perhaps occasionally, it would be accidental, due to over-stimulation, but in your case, you KNOW that it’s wrong and sinful, so how could that happen? You’d have to allow it to happen, perhaps thinking that it isn’t so bad, and that is a further sin of presumption.

Perhaps you’ve been getting some PMs telling you this is not a big deal? I assure you that it IS a big deal and worthy of your attention to correct.

Its grave sin, moral implies 3 conditions be met though which it’s possible were not met. Full Consent (i.e. against the will of God), Full Knowlege (you mention that) and the sin must be of grave matter.

If any one of these are not true then the sin is venial, even though the matter is grave. Not that I would discourage the OP from going to confession. But ‘mortal sin’ seems to get thrown out all the time when mostly people are referring to the gravity of the sin.

 

[Johanna_C]

You have gotten a lot of good advise in this thread. I also feel your pain, NFP is the worst method of avoiding pregnancy, except for all the other methods. I just wanted to add that if your wife is close to your age, and you just had your first child, unless your wife is unusually talented, you probably wouldn’t be able to have 14 kids if you tried. In my experience, in most families with even 9-10 children, the parents started around 20 and had a bunch real quick. At your age, just starting your family, if you want 5-6 children you may not have to do much to limit to that number. After the age of 30 most women’s bodies naturally space out children 2 years or more apart. You wife’s most fertile years are probably already behind her, and after a couple kids, breastfeeding may very well be enough to space out your children.

 

[crazzeto]

You have gotten a lot of good advise in this thread. I also feel your pain, NFP is the worst method of avoiding pregnancy, except for all the other methods. I just wanted to add that if your wife is close to your age, and you just had your first child, unless your wife is unusually talented, you probably wouldn’t be able to have 14 kids if you tried. In my experience, in most families with even 9-10 children, the parents started around 20 and had a bunch real quick. At your age, just starting your family, if you want 5-6 children you may not have to do much to limit to that number. After the age of 30 most women’s bodies naturally space out children 2 years or more apart. You wife’s most fertile years are probably already behind her, and after a couple kids, breastfeeding may very well be enough to space out your children.

As I said before, my wife was 10,000% against NFP when we started using it initially. She had been for it in principal first (we talked about it, and agreed upon it) but we tried STM first and it didn’t serve us well (it can work for others, but it was terrible for us).

We have since had many discussions, and switched to Creighton NFP system. My wife today will tell you in full sincerity that she would never consider any other system of regulating births. Not even for a second. She has used the pill and condoms (we used both together).

I would suggest to the OP and all struggling users, explore your options. Is it possible your own the wrong system? Creighton might work for us well, it might not for others. Some may prefer Marquette, others STM etc.

I also have to reiterate the issue (like others have) the issue of being attached to disordered sexual desire. Masturbation is never a good thing, nor is sexuality which precludes procreation.

 

[Luvz2travel]

OP I find it very sad that something that should be a blessing such as children seems to you and others as something that should be avoided at all costs. Are you really open to children at all it sounds like you are going through a lot of suffering to avoid having any. Also I think what some other poster said that you may be focusing way too much on sex itself even to the point of makeing it an enemy as something you need but that must be avoided due to it having possible consequences. Human nature usually wants and obsesses over what it can’t have. I would reevaluate your thoughts on the whole subject. It’s very possible to live without it for period of time. I’m single and live without if all the time and let me tell you being a women does not make it easier. Why men always think it’s easy for women to go without is beyond me but it isn’t. I’m just saying don’t assume it’s any easier for your wife. At least you have someone there for you…that’s an amazing thing treasure it and stop being over concerned about what you’re not getting and what you want to get.

 

[Debora123]

OP I find it very sad that something that should be a blessing such as children seems to you and others as something that should be avoided at all costs. Are you really open to children at all it sounds like you are going through a lot of suffering to avoid having any.

No need to put the OP on a guilt trip about postponing children. Such is between God and the couple. Intervening like this is rude.

 

[crazzeto]

No need to put the OP on a guilt trip about postponing children. Such is between God and the couple. Intervening like this is rude.

I do agree, there are many good reasons to put off having children or seek to not have them. Being in the latter years of fertility could easily count, pregnancy complications raise dramatically for women as they approach the latter years of fertillity. My wife is young still (25), but our first daughter was born at 32 weeks, 3lbs 2oz due to preeclampsia and HELLP syndrome. I can tell you right now, doing everything to avoid such pregnancy complications is not a frivolous matter.

 

[Johanna_C]

OP I find it very sad that something that should be a blessing such as children seems to you and others as something that should be avoided at all costs. Are you really open to children at all it sounds like you are going through a lot of suffering to avoid having any.

I don’t think that you read enough of the tread. The OP gushed about his baby girl and talked about trying for another pregnancy in 6 months. He also said that they wished they hadn’t waited so long to have children.