Sex before Marriage believers?

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Madelayna

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I believe in God and love being a Catholic. But I’m not a virgin and not married. And I don’t really believe in waiting. I think sex is an important part of a relationship- not the most important, granted. But important. And I feel like that should be tried out before marriage. I mean what happens if you don’t know what it’s like sexually with someone and get married and you don’t enjoy it with them? It could lead to divorce. And I’m pretty sure God doesn’t smile about divorce either.

I’m only 18 but I’m trying to create an understanding for myself. I haven’t confirmed, but I want to. But I’m also worried I won’t feel fully Catholic if I don’t believe in EVERYTHING the Catholic Church believes in. I mean shouldn’t I have a choice too? Is there anyone else who feels this way?

And if you’re going to answer in a pro-sex after marriage way, please answer kindly. I will respect all answers as long as they respect my own feelings.

Thanks 🙂
 
So, how many men are you going to let try you out sexually?

I think more people would be virgins till marriage if they ask the question you asked, using the words you used. Please think about this and realize you are not something to be “tried out” in such an intimate way.

No one is.
 
Everybody has a choice to believe or not believe. What is important to understand is that the Catholic Church throws itself on the line like a wet rag. It claims its doctrinal teaching to be infallible, which is hilariously bold. So if you say a single teaching is false, but agree with the other 99%, then I can’t personally see what the point of becoming Catholic would be. It would be like signing one of those contracts where you agree to everything in the print above… without actually agreeing to it.

I hope you to decide to join.
 
The great thing about sex is that it’s an intimacy shared by two people and helps bond them together. Within marriage, this is wonderful. Outside of marriage, it is problematic.

When you have sex with more than one person, it’s less intimate, so it robs your marriage of something. And the more people you have it with, the less intimate it becomes and the more recreational it becomes.

Also, it can bond you to people, other people, and again negatively affect your marriage.

Also, it leads to jealousy and comparison. What if your husband turns out not to be the best sex partner you ever have? How will you feel? How will he feel if he were to detect this in you? If you only have one sex partner - your spouse - they will by default be your best!

Also, sex leads to children (even despite attempts to prevent this), and children deserve the best home possible which God has established as a husband and wife caring for their child.
 
Bruised_Reed said:
So, how many men are you going to let try you out sexually?

I think more people would be virgins till marriage if they ask the question you asked, using the words you used. Please think about this and realize you are not something to be “tried out” in such an intimate way.

No one is.
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Well said.
 
Sex is an important part of marriage. Sex outside of marriage is just plain bad judgment. Not only are you putting yourself at risk for STDs (rates are increasing, btw) and unplanned pregnancy, but you are emotionally attaching yourself to a person you are dating. Dating is a time for discernment: is this person really good for me? Will he lead me to heaven? Will he be a good husband and father, and a good spiritual leader for my future family? Having sex will make you bond to that person and overlook red flags. Many people date or even marry someone they know deep down isn’t right, but they are attached to that person and cannot let go. People waste months, even years, with the wrong person. 😦

Sex outside of marriage is also a lie. Your body says you are giving yourself entirely to the other person, and yet you are holding back because there is no commitment. Even an engagement isn’t a commitment because engagements can be broken, and are broken all the time. Engagement is marriage preparation, and a lot of times things come out during this time that make the couple realize it wasn’t meant to be. Cohabiting is promising to pay bills together until the lease ends, or until one person gets bored/finds someone else and leaves. Only marriage is a permanent, lifelong union. A sacramental marriage cannot be broken.
what happens if you don’t know what it’s like sexually with someone and get married and you don’t enjoy it with them?
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.
Does this ever actually happen? Because there are people who “regret” waiting for marriage and things didn’t work out, but there were huge red flags (e.g. signs of anger/abuse) and they should never have gotten married in the first place… i.e. they got married for the wrong reason…
 
no offense but you should really should stop having sex outside of marriage. Having sex out of marriage = Fornification, and well its a mortal sin and fornicators go to hell.

“Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived; neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor homosexuals,” 1 Corinthians 6:9

You should repent and confess your sins.
 
Madelayna said:
I believe in God and love being a Catholic. But I’m not a virgin and not married. And I don’t really believe in waiting. I think sex is an important part of a relationship- not the most important, granted. But important. And I feel like that should be tried out before marriage.
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With respect, in what sense do you ‘love being Catholic’? If you are Catholic, then you believe that the Church is founded by Christ, is preserved from error by the Holy Spirit, and that its teachings are true. Therefore, if you are Catholic, you believe that fornication is an offense against God and is simply wrong, right?
I mean what happens if you don’t know what it’s like sexually with someone and get married and you don’t enjoy it with them? It could lead to divorce. And I’m pretty sure God doesn’t smile about divorce either.
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What happens if, after you get married, your husband is injured or becomes ill, and can longer function sexually? Will you divorce him?
I’m only 18 but I’m trying to create an understanding for myself. I haven’t confirmed, but I want to. But I’m also worried I won’t feel fully Catholic if I don’t believe in EVERYTHING the Catholic Church believes in. I mean shouldn’t I have a choice too? Is there anyone else who feels this way?
Click to expand...
You do have a choice. You can follow God, or you can follow your own inclinations, but you can’t have it both ways. If you do decide to follow God, you will find that He will sustain you, and that He will never leave you, no matter what hardships come your way.

Ideally, we should obey God out of love and gratitude. The decision is one that only you can make, but I urge you, again with respect, not to allow yourself to become a hypocrite.

The question is not really about premarital sex, it is about faith and love.
 
*I mean shouldn’t I have a choice too? *

Well, if the Church says that Pre-martial sex is a sin, then…not really. Sometimes it’s hard to be a Catholic because the things that make you feel good or the easy thing to do isn’t in line with Church teachings. There is a greater reward—always remember that.
 
Bruised_Reed said:
So, how many men are you going to let try you out sexually?

I think more people would be virgins till marriage if they ask the question you asked, using the words you used. Please think about this and realize you are not something to be “tried out” in such an intimate way.

No one is.
Click to expand...
Well, I wouldn’t just sleep with anyone. I’ve only had sex with one person and I do love him. He’s the first person I’ve only had such strong feelings about. And we had sex after two years of being together. I don’t want it to sound like a guy or I am a pair of jeans we’re “trying out” for sex but to see how we feel about each other sexually. But isn’t that the same exact thing as dating? Are we not “trying out” potential spouses? Are we not engaging special and strong feelings about another person emotionally just as I was physically?

I’m trying to understand, I really am. Thanks for the reply.
 
SybilMolly said:
*I mean shouldn’t I have a choice too? *

Well, if the Church says that Pre-martial sex is a sin, then…not really. Sometimes it’s hard to be a Catholic because the things that make you feel good or the easy thing to do isn’t in line with Church teachings. There is a greater reward—always remember that.
Click to expand...
I guess we’re not really “free to choose” as Catholics then huh? I didn’t realize how much must be given up.

Thanks for the reply
 
Madelayna said:
Well, I wouldn’t just sleep with anyone. I’ve only had sex with one person and I do love him. He’s the first person I’ve only had such strong feelings about. And we had sex after two years of being together. I don’t want it to sound like a guy or I am a pair of jeans we’re “trying out” for sex but to see how we feel about each other sexually. But isn’t that the same exact thing as dating? Are we not “trying out” potential spouses? Are we not engaging special and strong feelings about another person emotionally just as I was physically?

I’m trying to understand, I really am. Thanks for the reply.
Click to expand...
Do you think you will marry this man?
 
chipeto said:
With respect, in what sense do you ‘love being Catholic’? If you are Catholic, then you believe that the Church is founded by Christ, is preserved from error by the Holy Spirit, and that its teachings are true. Therefore, if you are Catholic, you believe that fornication is an offense against God and is simply wrong, right?

What happens if, after you get married, your husband is injured or becomes ill, and can longer function sexually? Will you divorce him?

You do have a choice. You can follow God, or you can follow your own inclinations, but you can’t have it both ways. If you do decide to follow God, you will find that He will sustain you, and that He will never leave you, no matter what hardships come your way.

Ideally, we should obey God out of love and gratitude. The decision is one that only you can make, but I urge you, again with respect, not to allow yourself to become a hypocrite.

The question is not really about premarital sex, it is about faith and love.
Click to expand...
I do believe all those things. I feel a great connection with God. I feel love for God. I find him as comforting and loving. And I’ve always been fascinated by the stories in the bible. But I didn’t know I had to agree with every single thing the Church teaches. It just feels a little oppressing knowing I have to either “agree completely or go away.”
 
Here are some reasons why pre-marital sex is a mortal sin:
  1. Human law provides the minimum standard for humans to live by. In other words, what is the most that humans can get away with without destroying themselves? God’s law is exactly the opposite. God holds us to the highest standard possible. In other words, what behavior would be needed in order to achieve an absolute perfect society? We don’t change God’s law to suit us because we fall short. We don’t even change God’s law because it’s impossible for humans to achieve. Instead, we adapt because we should always be striving for the ideal. With that stated, what kind of behavior do you think God would expect of unmarried couples?
  2. Moral behavior also requires that we have the highest respect for human life possible. As such, we should never do harm, short of self-defense. Pre-marital sex, no matter how careful, always has a risk of pregnancy. This could lead the mother to another mortal sin through abortion. The couple is also putting a potential human life’s entire future at risk by not being prepared to accept the responsibility to raise it or be prepared to do so in advance. It might have to grow up in a single parent or unstable household, finances would not have been prepared, and so on. The fact that a couple could potentially put an innocent life at risk is the highest form of selfishness and is completely irresponsible.
  3. Despite years of scientific study and philosophical debate, no one knows precisely when the soul enters the human body and human life begins. As such, Catholics are required to take the safest route and assume the most conservative answer, which is that life begins at the moment of conception. Birth control can cause the failure of a fertilized egg to implant, thus causing an abortion. Someone could be the unknowing partner to unintentional murder. Some might also choose to use the morning after pill, which does essentially the same thing, but on purpose.
  4. Pre-marital sex always presents the possibility of sexually transmitted disease. It would be a grave sin to infect someone with a dangerous disease, and some diseases, like HIV, can be transmitted even through condoms. People might not even know they have them. HPV has no symptoms, and yet can cause cervical cancer. How many times have people believed themselves to be in a monogamous relationship, only to discover that their partner is cheating? Over 50% of the population has been cheated on at some point. How many had suspicions beforehand?
  5. Promiscuity leads to more promiscuity. By sleeping around, it decreases the special bond that one has when they are exclusive with a single partner. They want to explore the lustful side of sexuality more, unimpeded by feelings. It increases the possibility of cheating during marriage, and has helped to contribute to our skyrocketing divorce rate. Why get married when I can just sleep with someone and move on? People get obsessed with the initial sexual attraction, and never move on to the more intimate phases of relationships. When the fireworks stop, they simply dump their lover, find someone new, and recapture the feeling again. You always hear in the movies about “fear of commitment”. Well, a LOT of this is due to the fact that people think they have a good thing going. Why would they want to limit their sexual fun by committing permanently to someone?
  6. During pre-marital sex, one is treating the partner like an object of pleasure, rather than an object of love. (This can occur EVEN INSIDE OF A MARRIAGE, by the way…) Rather than using sex for its wondrous purpose, which is a special unity that offers the possibility for the creation of life, we detach from that purpose, and use it solely for pleasure. To be sure, sex is pleasurable and provides fun and great intimacy for couples, but it is meant to be a unique bond that strengthens the family unit, rather than fracturing it through promiscuity. By giving into lust, a couple is exploiting each other for selfish purposes, even if the bond of love is there. The minute that sex becomes just about fun, the couple begins to test those boundaries to see how much fun one can have. These boundaries are difficult to resist, and one can find themselves in trouble very fast. Even inside a marriage, when you are not open to life, you are taking one of the most special gifts of God, which is actually being allowed to participate in the process of creation, and rejecting it as if it is worthless.
So, why is pre-marital sex bad? It could lead to abortion, it could lead to the creation of a child with a family completely unprepared to raise it, it can transmit disease, it is selfish, it weakens the family, it provides a mentality for divorce and lack of commitment, it is exploitative, and is the misuse of a hugely unique gift from God. Does that help?
 
MaryT777 said:
Do you think you will marry this man?
Click to expand...
I can imagine us being married, but we’re so young. I’m only 18. I haven’t even gone away to college yet. My parents got married at 30 and I think they’d be shocked and even horrified if I wanted to get married before 25.
 
underacloud said:
The great thing about sex is that it’s an intimacy shared by two people and helps bond them together. Within marriage, this is wonderful. Outside of marriage, it is problematic.

When you have sex with more than one person, it’s less intimate, so it robs your marriage of something. And the more people you have it with, the less intimate it becomes and the more recreational it becomes.

Also, it can bond you to people, other people, and again negatively affect your marriage.

Also, it leads to jealousy and comparison. What if your husband turns out not to be the best sex partner you ever have? How will you feel? How will he feel if he were to detect this in you? If you only have one sex partner - your spouse - they will by default be your best!

Also, sex leads to children (even despite attempts to prevent this), and children deserve the best home possible which God has established as a husband and wife caring for their child.
Click to expand...
I guess that is true. I believe in the bonding part. I didn’t even think about the jealousy and comparison bit. I guess if you’ve only been with one person then that wouldn’t be an issue and you’d be able to love each other even more.

Yes, children do deserve the best- having a happy family. To be honest, my parents were never really a happy couple when I was younger. It really distorted my view of marriage. My father always use to say “Never get married” half jokingly but serious too. Maybe this is why I didn’t feel so strongly about my virginity- because I didn’t have the thought of marriage to link it to. Thank you for your reply, it has really gotten me thinking 🙂
 
Madelayna said:
I do believe all those things. I feel a great connection with God. I feel love for God. I find him as comforting and loving. And I’ve always been fascinated by the stories in the bible. But I didn’t know I had to agree with every single thing the Church teaches. It just feels a little oppressing knowing I have to either “agree completely or go away.”
Click to expand...
It’s not oppression - it’s logical consistency. If you believe that Jesus Christ is God, and if you believe that He founded the Church as He said, and would teach all truth to the Church so the Church could help us get to heaven, there would be no reason to reject anything the Church teaches. It goes like this:
  1. Jesus is God and therefore has power to do whatever He wills.
  2. Jesus founded the Church like He said.
  3. Jesus promised to give the Church secure knowledge of truth to teach us.
  4. Therefore, the Church, founded by God, has secure knowledge of truth which the Church then teaches us.
 
Rolltide said:
Here are some reasons why pre-marital sex is a mortal sin:
  1. Human law provides the minimum standard for humans to live by. In other words, what is the most that humans can get away with without destroying themselves? God’s law is exactly the opposite. God holds us to the highest standard possible. In other words, what behavior would be needed in order to achieve an absolute perfect society? We don’t change God’s law to suit us because we fall short. We don’t even change God’s law because it’s impossible for humans to achieve. Instead, we adapt because we should always be striving for the ideal. With that stated, what kind of behavior do you think God would expect of unmarried couples?
  2. Moral behavior also requires that we have the highest respect for human life possible. As such, we should never do harm, short of self-defense. Pre-marital sex, no matter how careful, always has a risk of pregnancy. This could lead the mother to another mortal sin through abortion. The couple is also putting a potential human life’s entire future at risk by not being prepared to accept the responsibility to raise it or be prepared to do so in advance. It might have to grow up in a single parent or unstable household, finances would not have been prepared, and so on. The fact that a couple could potentially put an innocent life at risk is the highest form of selfishness and is completely irresponsible.
  3. Despite years of scientific study and philosophical debate, no one knows precisely when the soul enters the human body and human life begins. As such, Catholics are required to take the safest route and assume the most conservative answer, which is that life begins at the moment of conception. Birth control can cause the failure of a fertilized egg to implant, thus causing an abortion. Someone could be the unknowing partner to unintentional murder. Some might also choose to use the morning after pill, which does essentially the same thing, but on purpose.
  4. Pre-marital sex always presents the possibility of sexually transmitted disease. It would be a grave sin to infect someone with a dangerous disease, and some diseases, like HIV, can be transmitted even through condoms. People might not even know they have them. HPV has no symptoms, and yet can cause cervical cancer. How many times have people believed themselves to be in a monogamous relationship, only to discover that their partner is cheating? Over 50% of the population has been cheated on at some point. How many had suspicions beforehand?
  5. Promiscuity leads to more promiscuity. By sleeping around, it decreases the special bond that one has when they are exclusive with a single partner. They want to explore the lustful side of sexuality more, unimpeded by feelings. It increases the possibility of cheating during marriage, and has helped to contribute to our skyrocketing divorce rate. Why get married when I can just sleep with someone and move on? People get obsessed with the initial sexual attraction, and never move on to the more intimate phases of relationships. When the fireworks stop, they simply dump their lover, find someone new, and recapture the feeling again. You always hear in the movies about “fear of commitment”. Well, a LOT of this is due to the fact that people think they have a good thing going. Why would they want to limit their sexual fun by committing permanently to someone?
  6. During pre-marital sex, one is treating the partner like an object of pleasure, rather than an object of love. (This can occur EVEN INSIDE OF A MARRIAGE, by the way…) Rather than using sex for its wondrous purpose, which is a special unity that offers the possibility for the creation of life, we detach from that purpose, and use it solely for pleasure. To be sure, sex is pleasurable and provides fun and great intimacy for couples, but it is meant to be a unique bond that strengthens the family unit, rather than fracturing it through promiscuity. By giving into lust, a couple is exploiting each other for selfish purposes, even if the bond of love is there. The minute that sex becomes just about fun, the couple begins to test those boundaries to see how much fun one can have. These boundaries are difficult to resist, and one can find themselves in trouble very fast. Even inside a marriage, when you are not open to life, you are taking one of the most special gifts of God, which is actually being allowed to participate in the process of creation, and rejecting it as if it is worthless.
So, why is pre-marital sex bad? It could lead to abortion, it could lead to the creation of a child with a family completely unprepared to raise it, it can transmit disease, it is selfish, it weakens the family, it provides a mentality for divorce and lack of commitment, it is exploitative, and is the misuse of a hugely unique gift from God. Does that help?
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It does help. It’s a lot of information but very informative. Thank you. All the answers I’ve gotten so far are really helping to shape my view now which is exactly what I asked for. And your response gave me even more to think about so thank you very much 🙂
 
A lot of people these days think that sex is merely an act of instinctive joy and pleasure.
I’ve always thought of sex as something special that is supposed to be shared with your spouse . I’m 46 and still a virgin but I could never see myself having premarital sex first and foremost that the church teaches that in marriage the Holy Spirit joins man and wife in holy union. I’m pretty sure this doesnt happen in premarital sex, and since marriage is a holy sacrament I want my sex to be saved only for my wife. I know that Christ and the church would approve. Now that may not be a popular decision these days , but since when has doing the right thing ever been easy.

If it isn’t in God’s plan for me to get married then I will accept it, and if I never get married then I’m ok with staying a virgin till the day I die.
What does it matter if you gain every pleasure and joy in this world if your going against God in the process.

Believe me at 18 I had the same temptations that every 18 year old had but I also saw how my friends were having casual relationships and always going from one person to the next as if a relationship was nothing special at all.

I hope this can help you look at this from another Perspective.🙂
 
Madelayna said:
Well, I wouldn’t just sleep with anyone. I’ve only had sex with one person and I do love him. He’s the first person I’ve only had such strong feelings about. And we had sex after two years of being together. I don’t want it to sound like a guy or I am a pair of jeans we’re “trying out” for sex but to see how we feel about each other sexually. But isn’t that the same exact thing as dating? Are we not “trying out” potential spouses? Are we not engaging special and strong feelings about another person emotionally just as I was physically?

I’m trying to understand, I really am. Thanks for the reply.
Click to expand...
No, I don’t think it’s like dating. At all. And I think a certain kind of emotional intimacy should also be reserved for your spouse, yes. It’s like giving a piece of your heart away. How many pieces are you going to give? When a married couple has sex they become one. The first time consummates the marriage making it indissoluble and subsequent times renew the sacrament and the physical and emotional bond.

Read what underacloud wrote about bonding. It isn’t a good thing to form a strong bond with someone you are not committed to and if you think your are that committed to this guy and he to you, then why not get married now married. Does he really feel the same way?

I really haven’t ever heard of couples who had real trust with one another and physical attraction not enjoy sex with each other. Even if things don’t go like clockwork (bonus points to anyone who recognizes the movie reference) are you against “practicing”?
 
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