Sex before marriage: Help!

  • Thread starter Thread starter jonnyws
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
J

jonnyws

Guest
I have just lost my girlfriend of a year after being moved by the Lord to say that we should stop having sex and wait for marriage. She (also a Catholic) saw it differently and left me saying that a relationship without sex is no relationship at all.

I am as you can imagine utterly destroyed, she’s the love of my life and I can’t imagine living without her; it’s killing me.

Anyway, before I get too emotional my question is can anyone point me in the direction of writings that support my opinion. The Bible, Church Fathers, Doctors of the Church; those would be the best.

Thank you.
 
jonnyws said:
I have just lost my girlfriend of a year after being moved by the Lord to say that we should stop having sex and wait for marriage. She (also a Catholic) saw it differently and left me saying that a relationship without sex is no relationship at all.

I am as you can imagine utterly destroyed, she’s the love of my life and I can’t imagine living without her; it’s killing me.

Anyway, before I get too emotional my question is can anyone point me in the direction of writings that support my opinion. The Bible, Church Fathers, Doctors of the Church; those would be the best.

Thank you.
Click to expand...
I am sorry about the lose of your girlfriend. Perhaps you can get her the read the book. Then she may come around. But if she is so shallow that fornication must be part and parcel of a relationship, then, for the sake of your immortal soul, you are better off now.

As for resources, start with Christopher West’s book, Theology of the Body for Beginners. You can get it here. It covers Pope John Paul II’s Theology of the Body and is an excellent and easily understood. The book is short and quite readable.
 
Look in the Bible at I Corinthians, the end of chapter 6 through chapter 7. Also here, in the catechism:
usccb.org/catechism/text/pt3sect2chpt2art6.htm#2337

You made the right decision, and as painful as it seems right now, you are better off in the long run without her if your ex-gf would leave you over something like this. Part of marriage is seeking the best for your partner’s soul, to help them get to heaven. Rebelling against God’s laws and the Church’s teaching has exactly the opposite effect.

Maybe once she has a chance to cool down and think about it, she will come around to your way of thinking, but maybe not. And I have to wonder, if she would bail on you for something like this, is she the type who always expects to get her own way about things, and pitches a fit when she doesn’t? You don’t have to tell me, but if she is, that’s another reason you would be better off without her.

I know this hurts. :console: Hang in there. I’ll say a prayer for you.
 
Ask her if you are worth waiting for. Sorry about how that happened to you. It probably hurts a lot.
 
I know a break up is hard, but this woman is not who God has planned for you if she is trying to force you into sin. It sounds like she is not open to changing. One of the jobs of a wife is to help her husband get to Heaven and the same for the husband.

It is like having a person close someone who keeps bring over liquor or drugs after the person has gotten sober. Sometimes you just have to let a person go out of your life. I had to let go of some close relationships when I starting really living my faith, so I’m not trying to trivialize what hurt you feel over this woman.

I recommend reading “The Exclamation: the Wise Choice of a Spouse for Catholic Marriage” by Patricia Wrona

She gives really good info on how to discern God’s will in general and then more specifically for our relationships. She even gets into how to do mutual discernment once you believe you have found “the one.”

Another great book is “Christian Courtship in an Oversexed World” by Fr. Thomas Morrow

He just straight out tells you what is OK and what is not (even once you are married) regarding dating, courting, sex, etc.
 
First of all, I must commend you on your decision. It’s not very common in our day and age for a man to refuse to have sex before marriage. God bless you!

Regarding your girlfriend, is she even open to reading any Catholic literature? If she left you because you refused to have sex with her before marriage, then there is something wrong with this relationship and perhaps you’re better off without her. It hurts, but time heals wounds. The healing process takes a while, but there will be a healing. Right now, focus on your relationship with family and friends and keep your mind occupied with holy things. Maybe God wants to show you that this person is not for you and that there’s another person out there who is your soul mate. I’ll keep you in my prayers.

God Bless,
Michael
 
jonnyws said:
I have just lost my girlfriend of a year after being moved by the Lord to say that we should stop having sex and wait for marriage. She (also a Catholic) saw it differently and left me saying that a relationship without sex is no relationship at all.

I am as you can imagine utterly destroyed, she’s the love of my life and I can’t imagine living without her; it’s killing me.

Anyway, before I get too emotional my question is can anyone point me in the direction of writings that support my opinion. The Bible, Church Fathers, Doctors of the Church; those would be the best.

Thank you.
Click to expand...
Sorry for your loss. Good for you, though, for sticking to your guns.

You don’t need to look far to back up your position. The Bible shows Jesus expressly telling us that fornication (sex outside marriage) is sinful. “For from within, out of the heart of man, come evil thoughts, fornication, theft, murder, adultery, coveting, wickedness, deceit, licentiousness, envy, slander, pride, foolishness. All these evil things come from within, and they defile a man,” Mark 7:21-23.

You probably don’t want to hear this, but if you’d like to live life as a committed Catholic, this wasn’t the woman for you. It’s one thing to break the rules — you aren’t the first to do that. It’s another thing to just shrug off the rules entirely, as if they aren’t applicable, as if Christ’s words have no meaning. Put it another way – it’s one thing to sin; it’s another thing to not even care whether you sin.
 
Jonny, I just noticed that you are only 19 years old! You are just starting to live life and are too young to know whether this girl is the love of your life or not. I hope you don’t get angry at me for saying that, but it’s true. Your first serious relationship may feel like the love of your life because you have not experienced having a relationship with another person. You are young and, God willing, you have many years ahead of you. Don’t waste your time on something that may not be worth it.

God Bless,
Michael
 
jonnyws said:
She (also a Catholic) saw it differently and left me saying that a relationship without sex is no relationship at all.
Click to expand...
“Blest are those persecuted for holiness’ sake; the reign of God is theirs.” - Matthew 5:10.

Remember, girlfriends at best become wives, and wives are only for this lifetime(if even.) Jesus is for eternity. You made the right decision. The devil is going to tempt you to try to take her back. The pressure and bait will be extreme. Put on the armor of Christ and resist her. Be sure to go to confession over any past sexual sin you may have experienced with her, if you haven’t already.

She may have been “raised Catholic,” but it is clear that she hasn’t made the choice to surrender her life to God.

I’m not going to tell you that there are other women out there, since I’m yet to find one, but what I can tell you is that the single life is far greater than a bad relationship. So, by losing her, you gained.

The key thing is, don’t stay in touch with her. Don’t call her. Don’t write to her. No email, no myspace, no text messaging, etc. Don’t ask her to take you back. If you do any of those things, she’ll know that you are putty in her hands, and that she can treat you however she wants, yet she could snap her fingers and you’ll take her back. No. Let her feel the sting of losing you, and let it sting her HARD. Maybe, then she’ll repent. You need to send her a strong message(by your silence) that you are OVER her, completely, even if you aren’t. Then, when(or if) she comes groveling back to you, tell her “no!!!”
 
Hi Jonny, a fantastic website is

PureLoveClub.com

full of encouragement, questions & answers, quotes from saints etc. I’m sure it will be a wonderful help to you.
God bless you & congratulations on taking a stand for purity!! 👍
 
jonnyws said:
a relationship without sex is no relationship at all.
Click to expand...
I commend you for taking a stand on chastity.
You’re still young and you will soon find the right soul mate in accordance with God’s plans for you.
Please also understand that there is a time for everything as Ecclesiastes would say. Obviously, single blessedness is no time for sex. Marriage is. If this is God’s plan for you, it will come. Meantime, enjoy your single blessedness.
God be with you!
 
Hi Jonny,

I noted you’re 19. I’m only 21. As one young Catholic man to another, I can tell you that you did the right thing. You have certainly done what will please God. The sad truth is, not many men our age would have the courage and conviction to do what you did. Congratulations for being a real man, at such a young age. God bless you for it.

Now, as to the pain you’re feeling. I’ve felt that awful pain before. I know just how much it hurts. I can also tell you that it will pass. You can live without this girl, even if you don’t feel like it right now. So, I suggest you pray, pray, and pray some more. The Lord will see you through this. Rest assured that you are in my prayers.

I wish I had some books or material to recommend but I don’t. The folks here have given you some excellent suggestions. You might also visit your local Catholic bookstore and see what they have to offer on the subject of chastity.
 
Jonny, in addition to your prayers, take comfort in this song when you’re feeling down. Come and sing along with me: :whistle:

**At first I was afraid, I was petrified
Kept thinkin’ I could never live without you by my side
But then I spent so many nights thinkin’ how you did me wrong
And I grew strong and I learned how to get along

And so you’re back from outer space
I just walked in to find you here with that sad look upon your face
I should have changed that stupid lock, I should have made you leave your key
If I’d have known for just one second you’d be back to bother me

Go on now, go walk out the door
Just turn around now 'cause you’re not welcome anymore
Weren’t you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye
Did you think I’d crumble, did you think I’d lay down and die

Oh, no, not I-I will survive
Oh, as long as I know how to love I know I’ll stay alive
I’ve got all my life to live and I’ve got all my love to give
And I’ll survive, I will survive, hey, hey

It took all the strength I had not to fall apart
Kept tryin’ hard to mend the pieces of my broken heart
And I spent, oh, so many nights just feeling sorry for myself
I used to cry, but now I hold my head up high

And you see me, somebody new
I’m not that chained up little person still in love with you
And so you feel like droppin’ in and just expect me to be free
But now I’m savin’ all my lovin’ for someone who’s lovin’ me

Go on now, go walk out the door
Just turn around now 'cause you’re not welcome anymore
Weren’t you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye
Did you think I’d crumble, did you think I’d lay down and die

Oh, no, not I-I will survive
Oh, as long as I know how to love I know I’ll stay alive
I’ve got all my life to live and I’ve got all my love to give
And I’ll survive, I will survive, hey, hey… **

If this doesn’t inspire you, I hope at least you had a good laugh.

God Bless,
Michael
 
As a young man my self, your strength is inspiring.
Be happy that your decision has undoubtedly made her think about her own chastity. Hopefully through this experience she will re-evaluate her own sexual lifestyle and turn back to following God. If she doesn’t, you did everything you could and you are best without her.In addition, she broke up with you over a completely selfish reason. Loving someone is about sacrificing and doing what is best for that person. Regardless what she says, she couldn’t have truly loved you.
Stay strong,I know how hard it is.
 
Congrats on living the chaste life you won’t regret it.

As far as the pain I went through a breakup a while back and I can tell you what really got me through it was the rosary and lots of talking with friends. I’d suggest praying the rosary…it has many graces and good things to begin with, but I can tell you that it was really comforting as if Jesus and Mary we’re comforting me through the pain.
 
Do you really want to live the rest of your life with a women who believes sex is the focal point of a reltionship?
 
jonnyws said:
I have just lost my girlfriend of a year after being moved by the Lord to say that we should stop having sex and wait for marriage. She (also a Catholic) saw it differently and left me saying that a relationship without sex is no relationship at all.

I am as you can imagine utterly destroyed, she’s the love of my life and I can’t imagine living without her; it’s killing me.

Anyway, before I get too emotional my question is can anyone point me in the direction of writings that support my opinion. The Bible, Church Fathers, Doctors of the Church; those would be the best.

Thank you.
Click to expand...
Good job. You were confronted with a very hard decision and bravely chose to do the right thing. God will reward you.

You asked for sources; there are plenty of those.

Bible:

“Do you not know that the unjust will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived; neither fornicators nor idolaters nor adulterers nor boy prostitutes nor sodomites nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor robbers will inherit the kingdom of God.” (1 Corinthians 6:9-10 NAB)

Church Doctor:

St. Thomas Aquinas explains why “simple fornication” is a mortal sin:

newadvent.org/summa/3154.htm#2

Catechism of the Catholic Church:

2353 Fornication is carnal union between an unmarried man and an unmarried woman. It is gravely contrary to the dignity of persons and of human sexuality which is naturally ordered to the good of spouses and the generation and education of children. Moreover, it is a grave scandal when there is corruption of the young.
 
brother,
if possible, be her friend. Give her just a little time then she will realise what it is that you are saying.
Maybe she feels rejected and humiliated… could that be it?
I think it would be great if you could get her to hear one of Jasons and Crystalinas sex talks… these people are not stading there with a liftet finger and a black book… they are in actual fact speaking about real romance… and that is what every princess is looking for… another thing… a woman also likes to be pursued… if you just give up like some of the holy ones in here seem so suggest, then you too need to ask if it was real love on your part.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top