Sex Before Marriage?

[disotb]

Is having sex before marriage a sin even if the two persons involved made a solemn oath before God (before ever having sex) to marry when they could and eventually did? Is it still a sin even if they only ever had sex with each other? I ask this because I had a really bad family life and my step father started locking me out when I came home from work or school too late so I ended up staying more and more with my boyfriend’s family while in college, until I was there most of the time. We didn’t have sex right away, but we had been friends for over a year already, and we both felt we were ready to get married, but we didn’t feel his family was ready for that news (mother very controlling and not ready to let her baby go). We secretly decided to “be engaged” and make an oath before God to be together forever before we ever had anything even close to sex! We also were very responsible and were open to children. I ended up pregnant and we married after having our first child. My question is: was this a sin even though we swore before God and did not break our oath; and especially since his family (and of course mine) didn’t really care about us having sex. We wanted to have our own place to go to before we let his family know we were engaged and could then be married legally…though emotionally and spiritually we had already made that commitment. So, is it still a mortal sin because we didn’t have a legal document signed? Oh, and I wasn’t Catholic. I recently joined the church and we have gone through the revalidation of our marriage in the Catholic Church as well.

 

[Jack17]

Yes

 

[ALLGIRLS]

Is having sex before marriage a sin even if the two persons involved made a solemn oath before God to marry when they could and eventually did? Is it still a sin even if they only ever had sex with each other? I ask this because I had a really bad family life and my step father started locking me out when I came home from work or school too late so I ended up staying more and more with my boyfriend’s family while in college, until I was there most of the time. We didn’t have sex right away, but we had been friends for over a year already, and we both felt we were ready to get married, but we didn’t feel his family was ready for that news (mother very controlling and not ready to let her baby go). We secretly decided to “be engaged” and make an oath before God to be together forever. We also were very responsible and were open to children. I ended up pregnant and we married after having our first child. My question is: was this a sin even though we swore before God and did not break our oath; and especially since his family (and of course mine) didn’t really care about us having sex. We wanted to have our own place to go to before we let his family know we were engaged and could then be married legally…though emotionally and spiritually we had already made that commitment. So, is it still a mortal sin because we didn’t have a legal document signed? Oh, and I wasn’t Catholic. I recently joined the church and we have gone through the revalidation of our marriage in the Catholic Church as well.

Pretty much the entire world beside the Catholic Church, conservative Protestants, Muslims, and Orthodox Jews doesn’t think sex before marriage is a sin.

The world is wrong. It is objectively sinful to engage in sex before marriage. Making “an oath”, not wanting to upset family members (it does boggle my mind that some people don’t want their children to get married, but have no problem with them fornicating! My family is the same way. I just don’t get it! ), etc., doesn’t change this.

That being said, your level of culpability is unknown. Stress, pressure, your knowledge of whether it was sinful, etc., may play a role in mitigating the action. Nonetheless, it would be wise to confess this, if you haven’t already. Even if this only qualified a “venial sin”, the graces one obtains from sacramental confession does wonders for ones walk with God.

God’s blessings on you.

In Christ,

Ellen

 

[Hietanen]

Yes it is mortally sinful and will lead those persons involved to Hell if they die without repentance (and desire for confession).

The Revelations of Saint Bridget

Book 1 - Chapter 13
www.prophecyfilm.com

Christ speaks: "My enemy has three demons in himself. The first sits in his sexual organ, the second in his heart, the third in his mouth. The first is like a skipper who lets water in through the keel, the water, rises by increasing gradually, and then fills up all of the ship. Then the water floods over and the ship sinks down. This ship is his body that is harassed by the temptations of devils and by his own lusts as though by stormy waves.

First, the evil lust entered into his body through the keel, that is, through the evil desire with which he took delight in bad thoughts. And since he did not resist through repentance and penance and did not repair his body’s ship with the nails of abstinence, the water of lust increased daily while he gave his consent to evil. Then the belly of the ship filled with evil desires, and the water flooded over and drowned the ship with lust so that it could not reach the haven of salvation.

The second demon sits in his heart and is like a worm lying inside an apple. The worm first eats the core of the apple and then leaves its filth there and crawls around inside the whole apple until it is completely useless. This is what the devil does. First, he destroys the man’s will and good desires, which are like the core where all the soul’s strength and all goodness reside, and when the heart has been emptied of these goods, the devil then leaves in their place in his heart, worldly thoughts and desires that he had loved more. The devil now drives his body to what pleases him, and for this reason, his strength and understanding are diminished and he begins to hate life. This man is indeed an apple without a core, that is to say, a man without a heart, for he enters my church without a heart since he has no love of God.

The third demon is like an archer who looks out through the windows and shoots at the careless. How can the devil not be in him who never speaks without mentioning the devil? That which is loved more, is mentioned more often. His bitter words, with which he hurts others, are like arrows shot through as many windows as the number of times the devil is mentioned and innocent people take offense at his words.

Therefore do I, who am the truth, swear by my truth that I will condemn him like a whore to the sulfurous fire, like a deceitful traitor to the mutilation of all his limbs and like a scoffer of the Lord to eternal shame. However, as long as his soul and body are united, my mercy stands ready for him. What I demand of him is that he should attend the divine services and prayers more often, not to fear any humiliation or desire any honor, and that evil or bad words will never be mentioned by his mouth."

prophecyfilm.com/revelations/book1/book1-chapter13.html

 

[disotb]

So circumstances don’t matter at all? Doesn’t the heart and thinking factor into whether something is sinful or not? To me marriage isn’t in itself just a legal document it is the heart of what the relationship is based on, the level of commitment, and it’s commitment before God. So it is a sin because we didn’t have enough money to file the paperwork, get our own place, and plan a wedding? And wanted to maintain family unity and harmony?

So if a man and woman are stranded on a deserted island, they develop a relationship and make a commitment before God to be together forever, and then have sex and bare children that they are sinning just because they couldn’t file the paperwork or get to a church right then? So what you’re saying is that it doesn’t matter what the marriage/commitment is built on but just that they get the paperwork done so that you as a human can see their level of commitment by having the document in your hand stating that. Paperwork does not show the heart commitment of two people…only God can see that, right?

 

[JimG]

The oath before God which validates a sexual union is called marriage vows.

In any case, what’s past is past. You are now married, you’re marriage is convalidated in the church, and presumably if you’ve entered the church, this sin has been forgiven either in confession or baptism.

May God bless you in your married life together.

 

[Hietanen]

So circumstances don’t matter at all? Doesn’t the heart and thinking factor into whether something is sinful or not? To me marriage isn’t in itself just a legal document it is the heart of what the relationship is based on, the level of commitment, and it’s commitment before God. So it is a sin because we didn’t have enough money to file the paperwork, get our own place, and plan a wedding?

So if a man and woman are stranded on a deserted island, they develop a relationship and make a commitment before God to be together forever, and then have sex and bare children that they are sinning just because they couldn’t file the paperwork or get to a church right then? So what you’re saying is that it doesn’t matter what the marriage/commitment is built on but just that they get the paperwork done so that you as a human can see their level of commitment by having the document in your hand stating that. Paperwork does not show the heart commitment of two people…only God can see that, right?

What matters is to fear God and to keep his commandments. To willfully sin against God is mortally sinful if not repentance is followed. What you say looks like excuses, people often tend to excuse their sins. Admit your sin and pray God for forgivness. You could indeed become married, you wouldn’t. You should trust in God and let whatever happens happen, by trusting in God, means to follow his will and command.

Your similitude does not apply to you. If people where stranded on an island, and they where God fearing, God could reveal his will to them on that matter, and when God wants something it will happen. If not, then they would live in their place according to the divine will. Following the will of God condemns no one. Following one’s own will, breaking God’s commands, condemns many!

 

[disotb]

I believe that God told us to marry each other in our hearts and to respect my husband’s family’s harmony until the appropriate time. It was not a good time to tell them about our commitment so we believed it was best to keep it secret for the good of others. This was not a rash or lustful decision. We prayed and we believed this is what God wanted of us…so the situation is the same.

 

[Joe_5859]

The oath before God which validates a sexual union is called marriage vows.

In any case, what’s past is past. You are now married, you’re marriage is convalidated in the church, and presumably if you’ve entered the church, this sin has been forgiven either in confession or baptism.

May God bless you in your married life together.

I concur. Whatever happened, it is in the past now and the situation has been rectified.

 

[Contarini]

Is having sex before marriage a sin even if the two persons involved made a solemn oath before God (before ever having sex) to marry when they could and eventually did?

According to the teaching of the medieval Catholic Church, the exchange of vows followed by intercourse constitutes a valid marriage. No church ceremony, no legal document, not even witnesses are necessary.

I am not a Catholic and I am making a historical statement here. I will let the Catholics tell you whether this is still the teaching of the Catholic Church. But it was unquestionably the teaching of the Church before the Reformation.

Clearly there are lots of practical problems with this position–it was very open to abuse. But I think it was theologically sound, and it fits cases like yours.

Edwin

 

[Jason_1977]

It is a sin, and I am a sinner.

 

[ALLGIRLS]

I believe that God told us to marry each other in our hearts and to respect my husband’s family’s harmony until the appropriate time. It was not a good time to tell them about our commitment so we believed it was best to keep it secret for the good of others. This was not a rash or lustful decision. We prayed and we believed this is what God wanted of us…so the situation is the same.

First of all, God would never tell anyone to sin, or give anyone a “loophole” out of sin, to placate a disfunctional family. If God were really speaking, He’d have been telling your dh’s family to get over themselves and let you get married.

Second, it seems that no matter what we tell you, you refuse to believe it was sinful.

So what’s your point, then? Why are you here if you don’t really want to hear what the Church teaches on this matter?

(and, once again, “'family harmony” permits fornication, but not marriage? I just don’t get it! ).

In Christ,

Ellen

 

[Joe_5859]

So circumstances don’t matter at all? Doesn’t the heart and thinking factor into whether something is sinful or not?

Circumstances do play a part, but morality is not based solely on circumstances. (Pope John Paul II’s encyclical on morality strongly condemned such an approach to morality.)

Fornication (sex before marriage) is objectively sinful. No circumstances change that. However, individual circumstances can mitigate a person’s culpability in committing the sin.

In your case, you seem to be arguing that you actually were married, even if not legally. You took an oath of committment to each other before God (which is what marriage is). Now, whether or not that constituted a valid marriage, I’d have to leave that to a canon lawyer to figure out. But, as JimG pointed out, it doesn’t really matter anymore because we know you are in a valid marriage now.

The Sacrament of Marriage is a sacrament that the couple administers to each other. The priest is there as the Church’s representative, but he does not “marry” the couple. It is the case that in certain countries where there are very few priests, couples do still get married even without the presence of a priest, but this is not the preferred way. Since you weren’t Catholic at the time, I’m not sure how this all would have applied to you. But, again, you are married now even if you weren’t then.

 

[Joe_5859]

According to the teaching of the medieval Catholic Church, the exchange of vows followed by intercourse constitutes a valid marriage. No church ceremony, no legal document, not even witnesses are necessary.

I am not a Catholic and I am making a historical statement here. I will let the Catholics tell you whether this is still the teaching of the Catholic Church. But it was unquestionably the teaching of the Church before the Reformation.

Clearly there are lots of practical problems with this position–it was very open to abuse. But I think it was theologically sound, and it fits cases like yours.

Edwin

Yes, theologically-speaking, it is perfectly sound. But I think the Catholic Church wisely does not advocate such practice because it is certainly very open to abuse (not to mention the nightmare it would create for diocesan marriage tribunals! ).

 

[JanetF]

It is a sin. I’m guilty of having committed it with my DH…and I used to justify it to myself with “well at least I married him and never had any other partners”. Still a sin, still needed to be confessed.

I agree with others, that the situation has resolved itself as you have married the person, but confession is good for the soul and I highly recommend it.

 

[JimG]

So if a man and woman are stranded on a deserted island, they develop a relationship and make a commitment before God to be together forever, and then have sex and bare children that they are sinning just because they couldn’t file the paperwork or get to a church right then? So what you’re saying is that it doesn’t matter what the marriage/commitment is built on but just that they get the paperwork done so that you as a human can see their level of commitment by having the document in your hand stating that. Paperwork does not show the heart commitment of two people…only God can see that, right?

Interesting that you should mention that situation, as I recall it being discussed by a priest in a theology class. Yes, if no priest is available to witness the marriage on the desert island, and the couple exchanged proper vows and consummated the marriage, it would be a valid and permanent marriage. When they are rescued from the desert island, they should have the marriage recorded at their parish, and not go through another marriage ceremony, since the marriage has already occurred.

It’s hard to imagine circumstances other than the desert island scenario, though, in which the priest would be unavailable to witness the wedding vows.

 

[Seatuck]

Children have the right to be created and born to parents who have already committed themselves publically in marriage. That is one of the ways we protect children by not engaging in fornication.

You could have gotten secretly engaged and not committed fornication. You can’t really justify premarital sex for reasons of family difficulties. It seems that you also dishonored the family who was allowing you to stay with them. Perhaps I am reading that incorrectly. But it looks like you were hiding things from a family that took you in.
Non Catholics are bound to follow the rules of their individual churches. For some that means religious instruction etc for others it just means getting the civil wedding. In any event scripture is clear about fornication.
From 1Corinthians

9 Do you not know that the unjust will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived; neither fornicators nor idolaters nor adulterers nor boy prostitutes nor sodomites 10 nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor robbers will inherit the kingdom of God. 11 That is what some of you used to be; but now you have had yourselves washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and in the Spirit of our God. 12

Hopefully you will repent of this sin and may have already been forgiven of it if you went to confession prior to entering the church or even since then.

Try to talk this out with a priest and do a good examination of conscience on it . Then let it go. You are living as a Catholic now and you want to look forward and keep learning not be dragged down by the difficulties of the past. It is easy to see that your conscience was not formed well about this and hopefully you can keep working on that now.

 

[JimG]

I believe that God told us to marry each other in our hearts and to respect my husband’s family’s harmony until the appropriate time. It was not a good time to tell them about our commitment so we believed it was best to keep it secret for the good of others. This was not a rash or lustful decision. We prayed and we believed this is what God wanted of us…so the situation is the same.

One more thing: marriage, by it’s very nature as both a personal covenant and a social covenant, is never a secret. That’s why there are official witnesses on behalf of the community, to recognize the new social unit of husband and wife.

That’s why, even in the aforementioned desert island scenario, the marriage is unknown, but not secret. It must be registered publicly as soon as possible. (The vows could be renewed publicly, but not initiated, since the marriage has already taken place.)

 

[tjm190]

In marriage, the husband and wife confer the sacrament upon each other- everyone else is just a witness. One could make the case that said “oath” could constitute a marriage. That case would be a very weak case, but a case none the less.

 

[kage_ar]

I believe that God told us to marry each other in our hearts and to respect my husband’s family’s harmony until the appropriate time. It was not a good time to tell them about our commitment so we believed it was best to keep it secret for the good of others. This was not a rash or lustful decision. We prayed and we believed this is what God wanted of us…so the situation is the same.

God NEVER wants you to sin.

God NEVER wants you to make a do-it-youself sacrament.

You made a mistake. Take it to Jesus in Confession.