Sex Before Marriage

[FabyZee]

Hello, I’m having trouble with this guy I met a year ago in the Youth group. We’ve been talking and he asked for my number. So, he’s really religious…he sings and dances and I really liked him. When he called me, I realized that he liked me too, we both declared. Anyways over these last 2 weeks, I’ve been getting to meet him, personally. So, we agreed to be friends, best friends, and trust ourselves fully. Being bf-gf can wait till we are mature, after all we are only 17. Ok, well he asked me for permission to call him baby, and “mi amor”. I said ok. So, I feel like we’re reserved for each other. Now, last week, he revealed something shocking to me…As a 8 year old, his cousin’s cholo friends forced him to have sex or else-he’d get shot. So, ya he’s not a virgin. They forced him to get high and stuff. After he became a 14 yr old, he saw he had to be independent and got closer to God. But, now…he’s left addicted to sex, in a way. And as well to drugs. Sex, he said at age 12, if a girl didn’t give him sex, he’d ‘drop her’. Because “It didn’t satisfy his needs” But, he confessed he wants to change, but it’s very hard for him. Drugs, he’s getting better, he does it very rarley, but he is aware he needs rehab and is willing to go. Ok, now…he told me of a dream he had: he was in a coma and I entered with Jesus and Jesus told him “SHE WILL TAKE CARE OF YOU” I had a dream that night when I saw his face and God told me “It’s your duty to watch over him, and bring him to me” So, when he told me…I was speechless b?c I hadn’t mentioned my dream. Almost done, hehe. So, me…I consider myself pretty religious. I sing in choir, youth group…endless and I made a promise to be chaste till marriage. He told me “You are a very special girl to me. And I want to form a relationship with you in the future. But, I know you expect me to respect your body, and have no sex. That’s hard for me since I’m so “sexual”. But, I feel like I love you, and I want to change. A part of me tells me to get with you, because you have the power to change me, and with your love, we both can grow in God. But, my past calls me and tells me not too because you’re not going to want the physical intamacy I need” All I told him is that, clearly, he’d need to repspect my body. And he knows that. I love him too…a lot. I feel that we both have established a close bond but that’s the glitch. Can you guys give me some advice please?

 

[Steel_Pinwheel]

NEVER enter into a relationship with a guy if changing him is necessary for the relationship to be successful.

NEVER NEVER NEVER!!!

N - E - V - E - R

Trying to change is not good enough.

 

[Alexander_Smith]

Hello, I’m having trouble with this guy I met a year ago in the Youth group. We’ve been talking and he asked for my number. So, he’s really religious…he sings and dances and I really liked him. When he called me, I realized that he liked me too, we both declared. Anyways over these last 2 weeks, I’ve been getting to meet him, personally. So, we agreed to be friends, best friends, and trust ourselves fully. Being bf-gf can wait till we are mature, after all we are only 17. Ok, well he asked me for permission to call him baby, and “mi amor”. I said ok. So, I feel like we’re reserved for each other. Now, last week, he revealed something shocking to me…As a 8 year old, his cousin’s cholo friends forced him to have sex or else-he’d get shot. So, ya he’s not a virgin. They forced him to get high and stuff. After he became a 14 yr old, he saw he had to be independent and got closer to God. But, now…he’s left addicted to sex, in a way. And as well to drugs. Sex, he said at age 12, if a girl didn’t give him sex, he’d ‘drop her’. Because “It didn’t satisfy his needs” But, he confessed he wants to change, but it’s very hard for him. Drugs, he’s getting better, he does it very rarley, but he is aware he needs rehab and is willing to go. Ok, now…he told me of a dream he had: he was in a coma and I entered with Jesus and Jesus told him “SHE WILL TAKE CARE OF YOU” I had a dream that night when I saw his face and God told me “It’s your duty to watch over him, and bring him to me” So, when he told me…I was speechless b?c I hadn’t mentioned my dream. Almost done, hehe. So, me…I consider myself pretty religious. I sing in choir, youth group…endless and I made a promise to be chaste till marriage. He told me “You are a very special girl to me. And I want to form a relationship with you in the future. But, I know you expect me to respect your body, and have no sex. That’s hard for me since I’m so “sexual”. But, I feel like I love you, and I want to change. A part of me tells me to get with you, because you have the power to change me, and with your love, we both can grow in God. But, my past calls me and tells me not too because you’re not going to want the physical intamacy I need” All I told him is that, clearly, he’d need to repspect my body. And he knows that. I love him too…a lot. I feel that we both have established a close bond but that’s the glitch. Can you guys give me some advice please?

As the son of a manipulative father, I want to warn you to stay FAR away from this guy!

He is addicted to sex, and I suppose he says he knows he must change. But what steps has he taken to change?
He has a drug problem, and he is getting better (do you know, or does he tell you that?). But what steps has he taken to change?

As for dreams…

Dreams are nothing. If they contain truth, so be it, if they contain lies, so be it, but they should never be followed or trusted. His dream sounds more like a ploy to make you feel like there is a strong connection between you.

Also, he does not NEED physical intimacy. If that’s what he thinks, get out now, because he clearly does not have a grasp of himself, or his addictions. You cannot change him, he must change himself. Do yourself a favor, stay away from someone who openly admits he is a danger to your morals and your happiness, but makes you feel like he needs you.

I am sorry to be so blunt, but this is critical. I know of too many people who have fallen for this same thing to suggest anything else.

 

[anp1215]

Do NOT, I repeat, do NOT be involved with this person. He is trying to sweet talk you into committing sexual sin. No one “needs” sexual relations like he is saying. Guys talk this way to girls and if you let him do it, he will start wanting more and more.
St. Paul tells us to flee from sexual immorality. Not to play with it, not to say “well he is trying to change”, but to FLEE from it.

 

[joandarc2008]

I would suggest strongly that he work on his past issues with abuse before trying to start any form of relationship with you or any other woman. Respectful relationships do not push, cross, or blur boundaries.

 

[GEddie]

Dreams are normally no more than our subconscious mind taking over the “media center” while our senses, memory, and judgement are asleep. So something we subconsciously want will appear to be good even if it is wrong.

We should never plan a course of action based on them.

God Bless and ICXC NIKA.

 

[Wampa]

I agree with everyone else. You need to run to protect yourself. This boy has way, way too many major issues. It sounds like he talks a good game, but doesn’t take any steps to actually address his issues.

You will be terribly hurt by him in the end. You can’t save him.

I hope he actually finds his way to Jesus’ healing and gets the help he needs, but in the meantime, you need to protect yourself.

Waiting until marriage is definitely the way to go. I wish I had waited. Nearly all of the pain I’ve experienced in my life comes from not having waited. It’s hard enough for two people of normal constitution to wait, but with his issues, wow, that’s a trainwreck waiting to happen.

 

[nospamgorecycle]

I don’t agree to run away, but perhaps talk to the priest with the young gentleman. Talk about these issues with him. Bring up his sexual urges, plus your desire to stay a good practicing Catholic. Hopefully the priest will be able to work with him and yourself so that you can stay true to your values, and also stay supportive of the man with some conflicting urges.

 

[joandarc2008]

I don’t agree to run away, but perhaps talk to the priest with the young gentleman. Talk about these issues with him. Bring up his sexual urges, plus your desire to stay a good practicing Catholic. Hopefully the priest will be able to work with him and yourself so that you can stay true to your values, and also stay supportive of the man with some conflicting urges.

Thats an awful lot of pressure to put on a 17 year old.

 

[DanB]

Simple response…“Beat feet, Baby!”

 

[FirstCalled]

Oh my gosh, this guy is bad news for YOU. It is not your job to save anyone but yourself. When you mature if he is mature that is one thing later on in life, say when your 30.
Stay away from this guy, please, for your own sake.

 

[semper_satis88]

Writing this down, how could you possibly not think that you need to stay away from this guy?

 

[Neithan]

Try to see him as your brother in Christ, and don’t let your love for him lead you into sin. He sounds from your description like he is very damaged, and his conscience is confused to the point he believes he needs sexual intimacy to be good. That is not the message of the Gospel, it’s not Christian. Only God’s love can change a man, and he needs to learn that. His addictions and promiscuous sexuality is the problem, so how could it be the solution? Doesn’t add up. ‘Sexual healing’ means purity.

It would be best for you to just treat him like a brother and pray for him. Don’t date or be alone with the guy, because that would be sending him the wrong signal. God bless you both.

I would recommend sexaholics anonymous but I’m not sure if he’s willing or old enough yet.

 

[CB_Catholic]

Run away from this guy as fast as you can before HIS baggage becomes YOURS.

And pray for him–but that’s all.

 

[numealinesimpet]

Run away from this guy as fast as you can before HIS baggage becomes YOURS.

And pray for him–but that’s all.

Dear lady,
I read down this thread with mounting horror, but CB Catholic says it all.
S. Ignatius (I think it was) says: All other sins can and must be fought, but from Impurity we must flee.
Just one extra point: don’t pray too much for him – because this is simply directing your attention towards him. My personal advice is to ask your Guardian angel to pray for him – and you leave him be.
Assuming he’s telling the truth about his past life: unfortunately, he may well spend a good part of his life just getting to where we all should have started from.
But this bit about “needing” sex – that tripped every red light and alarm klaxon in the place! Of course he doesn’t “need” it. All “normal” males (I don’t exclude the ladies, I just can’t speak for them) have strong instincts – that is the way the world has kept going through difficult times – but to call it a “need” instead of a “temptation” … he’ll destroy you, dear girl.
And the definition of a Real Man is one who has strong, fiery passions – but controls them and directs them. He’s already showing, just by what he’s telling you, that he’ not yet in that league.
You sound like a girl of Quality. Believe me, these are few on the ground. There are lads out there who are praying nightly to meet such a one (I should know –I prayed to S. Ann for years – and then (incredibly) I met her. Now we have 10 children). It sounds hard, but please keep yourself for someone else. I doubt you’ll be waiting long.
And what about himself? As a previous poster suggested, he’ll be ready for courting and marriage (& then only if he works at it) by the age of 30.

Best of luck to you both!

 

[kbwall]

I know guys like this, and trust me, he’s trouble. There is a very high chance he’s lying, since his story seems to have a few holes in it. I mean, his cousin’s friends basically raped him. OK, that’s tragic, but I’d believe that. But they also forced him to do drugs? And if he truly wants to change, and knows he needs rehab, then why isn’t he in rehab? Sounds to me like he wants you to feel sorry for him, and he’s that classic stereotype that I’m sure you’ve heard before. But whatever, let’s give him the benefit of the doubt, I don’t know him. He’s still trouble. “Bad boys” almost never change, and if they do, it takes years, not just one nice girl like yourself.

His addiction to sex is trouble enough. That would almost certainly hurt you, as the road to recovery is full of potholes. He will either sweet talk you into sex, leading you to something you’ll regret; or he will simply cheat on you, breaking your heart. And the simple fact that he said he “needs” physical intimacy puts his intentions in doubt.

His drug problem is an additional worry. Drug addiction can be pretty serious, especially if it’s heavy drugs such as cocaine or heroine. Aside from the things it does to people’s minds, there is the legal trouble as well as the violence that comes with drugs. Trust me, his world is not one you want to be a part of.

You say he knows he needs rehab and is willing to go. Why isn’t he already in rehab? If he is truly and addict, and truly wants to change, what is stopping him? I know you feel sorry for him, and you think you can help. But no matter how nice of a girlfriend you are, you are no replacement for professional help. He’s done step one, if he’s serious, he should go to rehab. If he goes through rehab, and genuinely resolves his problems, then maybe he’s worth getting involved with. At the moment though, he isn’t. If you directly confront him on the issue of rehab, and he dodges the issue, that should be a clue that he’s lying.

 

[BlueSprite]

OP - if he truly cared about you, he wouldn’t burden you with HIS problems. He would tackle them himself, respect your boundaries, and not ask you to save him.

If you struggled with sex addiction, and drugs…and say, met a nice boy you wanted to date who you knew was chaste and a virgin - would you tell him that you really really like him…but…you’re not sure you can date him because you NEED sex and aren’t sure he’d give that to you? Don’t you think that would make him feel bad? Because you knew he was a virgin, and you knew he liked you, and you knew he wanted to date you - but you knew he’d never have sex with you unless you were both married. Don’t you think that would make him feel guilty? As if somehow he was to blame for your circumstance - when in the reality, it was your problem?

Now…don’t you see…how it is? You know you would never say such a thing to a boy if that was your situation. But this boy said those things to you. It was wrong of him. He’s trying to manipulate you. Maybe not purposely…but he’s doing it just the same.

I think he has a lot of growing to do, and you’re light-years beyond him. The thing is, people need to grow on their own. So…like someone mentioned, maybe say a few prayers for him but after that leave it up to your guardian angel to pray for him.

There is someone out there for you…but I feel you probably haven’t met him yet.

 

[GEddie]

But this bit about “needing” sex – that tripped every red light and alarm klaxon in the place! Of course he doesn’t “need” it.

I think it was Peter Kreeft who said that sex is not a need, since one does not die without sex.

God Bless and ICXC NIKA.

 

[Simplicitas]

Make the sign of the cross…Run!!

 

[twoangels]

Hello, I’m having trouble with this guy I met a year ago in the Youth group. We’ve been talking and he asked for my number. So, he’s really religious…he sings and dances and I really liked him. When he called me, I realized that he liked me too, we both declared. Anyways over these last 2 weeks, I’ve been getting to meet him, personally. So, we agreed to be friends, best friends, and trust ourselves fully. Being bf-gf can wait till we are mature, after all we are only 17. Ok, well he asked me for permission to call him baby, and “mi amor”. I said ok.

His request here is contradictory toward the status of the two of you being friends. It sounds to me that he wants to get closer to you which is the reason for being “best friends” when in actuality to call each other affectionate names sort of puts you past being “best friends.”

So, I feel like we’re reserved for each other.

This isn’t healthy for a friendship even when two friends do mutually like each other.

Now, last week, he revealed something shocking to me…As a 8 year old, his cousin’s cholo friends forced him to have sex or else-he’d get shot.

Can an 8 year old even have sex? He’s sounding like Mr. Wickham from “Pride and Prejudice.”

So, ya he’s not a virgin. They forced him to get high and stuff. After he became a 14 yr old, he saw he had to be independent and got closer to God. But, now…he’s left addicted to sex, in a way. And as well to drugs. Sex, he said at age 12, if a girl didn’t give him sex, he’d ‘drop her’. Because “It didn’t satisfy his needs” But, he confessed he wants to change, but it’s very hard for him. Drugs, he’s getting better, he does it very rarley, but he is aware he needs rehab and is willing to go.

He’s sounding more and more like Mr. Wickham. Pity me. Feel sorry for me. Be attracted to me. Flirt with me. Please excuse any moves I might make on you in the future as being unintentional and something I am fighting. Understand where I’m coming from so that you permit more with me.

Even if these things are true about him, he’s sharing them with you far too early.

Ok, now…he told me of a dream he had: he was in a coma and I entered with Jesus and Jesus told him “SHE WILL TAKE CARE OF YOU”

Hello, again, Mr. Wickham.

I had a dream that night when I saw his face and God told me “It’s your duty to watch over him, and bring him to me” So, when he told me…I was speechless b?c I hadn’t mentioned my dream.

That dream may have been the result of you pitying him and already desiring that role in his life. Dreams can sometimes mean more, but much of the time they reflect feelings we’re already having. If you want to bring him over to God, keep your distance and pray for him. Prayer is going to be far more powerful than devloping a romantic relationship with him under the title of “best friend.” In fact, doing that is going to put you both in a near occassion of sin.

Almost done, hehe. So, me…I consider myself pretty religious. I sing in choir, youth group…endless and I made a promise to be chaste till marriage. He told me “You are a very special girl to me. And I want to form a relationship with you in the future. But, I know you expect me to respect your body, and have no sex. That’s hard for me since I’m so “sexual”. But, I feel like I love you, and I want to change. A part of me tells me to get with you, because you have the power to change me, and with your love, we both can grow in God. But, my past calls me and tells me not too because you’re not going to want the physical intamacy I need” All I told him is that, clearly, he’d need to repspect my body. And he knows that. I love him too…a lot. I feel that we both have established a close bond but that’s the glitch. Can you guys give me some advice please?

He needs to respect your heart as well. Its important to be emotionally modest as well as physically modest. As they say, men use “love” to get sex. Women can be tempted to use sex to get love. We lust differently. That’s why women tend to go for the romantic novels while men go to the pornography. The emotional affair is what is most important to women and its very easy to not understand that aspect as being a part of your sexuality and that we women do indeed lust for that sort of affection.

I would inform your youth director about his behavior toward you. Some men get a kick out of playing with multiple girls this way. My sister in highschool was victim to one of them. They never had sex, but he toyed with her emotions a lot. He even warned her that rumors might be spreading around about him and he got her to be very defensive. Any time anyone said anything to her about him, she got amazingly defensive, because afterall, he had sold himself to her as the victim. He had sold her on being the only woman who could save him, that she alone had tamed his heart.

Your not going to miss out on anything if you close the door on this boy. It may seem like it. You may be saying “How do they know? They don’t know him at all.” As hard as it is, say close to God and ask God to help teach you how to guard your heart so that a man truly worthy of you can win it through his virtue rather than through sweet talking and deceiving you. Ask God to help teach you how to know the difference.