Sex Before Marriage

[Bbigam]

I don’t think “run away” is necessarily the best answer - unless you find yourself very strongly tempted to fall into sin with or because of him, or if he tries at all to push your limits.

But do limit your relationship with him! Make your limits very broad and clear and ensure that he knows you will leave if he tries to push your limits. Don’t be exclusive or alone or date, just be a friend if you can - a friend who helps him find the help he needs! And I don’t mean for you to be the help he needs, but to support him in finding the help he needs, a counselor or confessor or spiritual director or rehab place or whatever. And pray the whole time, of course.

I don’t put any stock in his dreams.

 

[numealinesimpet]

I don’t think “run away” is necessarily the best answer - unless you find yourself very strongly tempted to fall into sin with or because of him, or if he tries at all to push your limits.

But do limit your relationship with him! Make your limits very broad and clear and ensure that he knows you will leave if he tries to push your limits. Don’t be exclusive or alone or date, just be a friend if you can - a friend who helps him find the help he needs! And I don’t mean for you to be the help he needs, but to support him in finding the help he needs, a counselor or confessor or spiritual director or rehab place or whatever. And pray the whole time, of course.

I don’t put any stock in his dreams.

Well I’m sorry for butting in again, but I have 5 daughters in their teens & 20s and I do think you should break it off now – and to tell the Youth Director. All the warnings posted here are on the mark. Imagine him telling you all that after two weeks! and being “just friends” but calling each other “mi amor” … ?? you have time to stop now, before you are very badly hurt… and I like what the poster said about sex vs love in men vs women. And emotional modesty. that’s very true and very important. This fellow is either a callow manipulator, or else too immature to know what he’s doing. At 17, you should get away from this asap. “If” he is hurt,
*it’s not your responsibility … so many lovely girls fall into that trap
*Truly, he’ll get over the hurt, and if he does mature, he will be gald he didn’t drag you into it.

God bless

 

[Bbigam]

Well I’m sorry for butting in again, but I have 5 daughters in their teens & 20s and I do think you should break it off now – and to tell the Youth Director. All the warnings posted here are on the mark. Imagine him telling you all that after two weeks! and being “just friends” but calling each other “mi amor” … ?? you have time to stop now, before you are very badly hurt… and I like what the poster said about sex vs love in men vs women. And emotional modesty. that’s very true and very important. This fellow is either a callow manipulator, or else too immature to know what he’s doing. At 17, you should get away from this asap. “If” he is hurt,
*it’s not your responsibility … so many lovely girls fall into that trap
*Truly, he’ll get over the hurt, and if he does mature, he will be gald he didn’t drag you into it.

God bless

Maybe the OP should leave, I don’t know. Her scenario sounded worse when I reread it more thoroughly.

My only caveat is - if you do leave, and leave quickly - still at least give him a few resources to work through all that and encourage him to use them. Something along the lines of, “What you’ve told me really concerns me and I want you to be spiritually and emotionally healthy even though I can’t be with you, so here’s the name of a great therapist I’ve heard about, and a rehab group for the drugs, and I encourage you to talk to one of these priests or some priest for confession and spiritual direction.” Then you’ve done your part to encourage him to get help, and it’s up to him to see it through. Then your only responsibility is to pray for him.

 

[GEddie]

Whether you should run or not is your business, but no one should think that they can “rescue” somebody by getting into or staying in a romantic relationship with them. No one has that much reserve strength. Normal relationships are hard enough. And if they are already telling you that they “need sex”, this is a relational wreck waiting to happen.

ICXC NIKA

 

[Greg57]

Hello, I’m having trouble with this guy I met a year ago in the Youth group. We’ve been talking and he asked for my number. So, he’s really religious…he sings and dances and I really liked him. When he called me, I realized that he liked me too, we both declared. Anyways over these last 2 weeks, I’ve been getting to meet him, personally. So, we agreed to be friends, best friends, and trust ourselves fully. Being bf-gf can wait till we are mature, after all we are only 17. Ok, well he asked me for permission to call him baby, and “mi amor”. I said ok. So, I feel like we’re reserved for each other. Now, last week, he revealed something shocking to me…As a 8 year old, his cousin’s cholo friends forced him to have sex or else-he’d get shot. So, ya he’s not a virgin. They forced him to get high and stuff. After he became a 14 yr old, he saw he had to be independent and got closer to God. But, now…he’s left addicted to sex, in a way. And as well to drugs. Sex, he said at age 12, if a girl didn’t give him sex, he’d ‘drop her’. Because “It didn’t satisfy his needs” But, he confessed he wants to change, but it’s very hard for him. Drugs, he’s getting better, he does it very rarley, but he is aware he needs rehab and is willing to go. Ok, now…he told me of a dream he had: he was in a coma and I entered with Jesus and Jesus told him “SHE WILL TAKE CARE OF YOU” I had a dream that night when I saw his face and God told me “It’s your duty to watch over him, and bring him to me” So, when he told me…I was speechless b?c I hadn’t mentioned my dream. Almost done, hehe. So, me…I consider myself pretty religious. I sing in choir, youth group…endless and I made a promise to be chaste till marriage. He told me “You are a very special girl to me. And I want to form a relationship with you in the future. But, I know you expect me to respect your body, and have no sex. That’s hard for me since I’m so “sexual”. But, I feel like I love you, and I want to change. A part of me tells me to get with you, because you have the power to change me, and with your love, we both can grow in God. But, my past calls me and tells me not too because you’re not going to want the physical intamacy I need” All I told him is that, clearly, he’d need to repspect my body. And he knows that. I love him too…a lot. I feel that we both have established a close bond but that’s the glitch. Can you guys give me some advice please?

Wow, that’s the freakiest pick up line I ever heard!

 

[joandarc2008]

Is the OP still with us?

 

[ToeInTheWater]

I’d echo everyone’s comments here to stay far away from this young man. Also, even if everything he said was true and not made up to make you feel sorry for him, what he’s saying to you, especially about his supposed “need” for sex, is seriously manipulative.

“You are a very special girl to me. And I want to form a relationship with you in the future. But, I know you expect me to respect your body, and have no sex. That’s hard for me since I’m so “sexual”. But, I feel like I love you, and I want to change. A part of me tells me to get with you, because you have the power to change me, and with your love, we both can grow in God. But, my past calls me and tells me not too because you’re not going to want the physical intamacy I need”

He does seem to be setting the stage to either sweet-talk you into having sex, or to have a built-in excuse if you catch him bedding other girls. Even this status of not being officially boyfriend and girlfriend yet using romantic nicknames…you may feel you are “reserved” for this boy, but I suspect he may not feel the same way about you. So, if you find out he is indeed having sex with other girls, then he can say “but I’m not your boyfriend, it’s not like I’m cheating!”

His drug problem is also a serious warning sign. Even if he’s not using “hard” drugs, if he’s dependent on any substances then his brain is even less mature than his chronological age of 17. He also hasn’t made any steps to change, yet. I agree that if he really wanted to enter rehab he would. I have known people who went into (name removed by moderator)atient rehab programs for marijuana…yep, marijuana, that drug so many people (even on CAF) say is no big deal and is less harmful than cigarettes…because they realized marijuana was harmful for them.

OP - if he truly cared about you, he wouldn’t burden you with HIS problems. He would tackle them himself, respect your boundaries, and not ask you to save him.

I think BlueSprite nails it here. I know it is a common female fantasy to have the power to change a “bad boy” into a good man…in reality, you are 17, you are still a child, you may feel like you are a woman but you’re not quite there.

It is very unfair for him to say to you that he had a dream where God told him you would take care of him, or say that you have the power to change him. Only he has the power to change himself, with help from God. Not a teenage girl. A teenage girl should not be in the position to have to take care of anyone except herself. You have already stated that “bf-gf can wait till we are mature, after all we are only 17”. I agree with that! Unfortunately, this boy has much, much work to do before he can become anywhere near mature, and he needs to mature on his own. Not have you magically make him mature. Your goal in life at this point should be to find out who you are, what you want out of life, what kind of woman you want to grow into. That is a full-time job! It seems that this boy is asking you for all sorts of things without promising anything in return.

Hopefully, your parents have a happy married life, and I ask you, is your mother always the one taking care of your father, and getting nothing in return? I hope not! Also, think about how a husband is supposed to love his wife like Christ loved the Church. Did Jesus ask the Church to take care of him, or save him? No, in fact it’s just the opposite.

 

[Marie682]

If a friend came to you and described this guy to you, what would you tell her to do?

A lot of the time we already know the answer. Putting it into action is hard, especially when someone is sweet-talking you. But he will ruin you. He needs help, but you cannot give him what he needs. I pray that you will be able to direct your attention elsewhere, and not continue to be caught up in his empty charm.

 

[Monte_RCMS]

You are not old enough to get involved with someone.

If he calls, keep it short and tell him you have to go.

And do not see him again. And do not put yourself in a situation where you would be anywhere near him without an adult chaperone.

He is manipulative and is very good at it.

 

[numealinesimpet]

Hello again, dear FabyZee. All your well-wishers here are waiting with baited breath to hear how you are going to cope with this crisis that has erupted for you. The very title you chose for this thread shows, I think, where you fear this is leading. It will lead to a confrontation sooner than later, young lady! ‘He’ may not even be aware of it, so devious and strong is the God-given (but disordered by Original Sin) Impulse to Procreation.
Young girls (and some not-so-young women) simply do not seem to realise how strong, and physical, are the impulses of the normal man. As I said before, a Real Man learns how to control them. But these are becoming rarer all the time as The World encourages the opposite attitude. Believe the posters here who are warning you: You are in danger. And so is he. But he will continue to pursue: it is you who must end it.
God bless
numealinesimpetar

 

[Antrim]

Get out of that relationship ASAP and never look back.

Just go.

Antrim

 

[Dymphna82]

My relative used to think she was her boyfriends’ therapists too. Now she has HPV, which gives her excruciating cramps every once in a while, and she has to go to the gynecologist every few months to make sure she doesn’t have cervical cancer. No, HPV cannot be prevented with a condom.

The boy needs a priest and a therapist. You are not qualified to be either.

Go to church and pray…away from him!

 

[benedictus2]

Ok, now…he told me of a dream he had: he was in a coma and I entered with Jesus and Jesus told him “SHE WILL TAKE CARE OF YOU” I had a dream that night when I saw his face and God told me “It’s your duty to watch over him, and bring him to me”

I don’t put much store on dreams, but I would say that if you go by this dream then the way to lead him to Jesus is to stay away from him because by this you are showing him that to you chastity matters.

As someone else wrote, I get the feeling that this guy is manipulative. If you stay close he will manage to manipulate.

His saying he wants to change and yet insisting that he is very “sexual” is his way of manipulating you.

Pray to Our Lady to keep you in her mantle.

 

[Cirdan_XII]

Try to see him as your brother in Christ, and don’t let your love for him lead you into sin. He sounds from your description like he is very damaged, and his conscience is confused to the point he believes he needs sexual intimacy to be good. That is not the message of the Gospel, it’s not Christian. Only God’s love can change a man, and he needs to learn that. His addictions and promiscuous sexuality is the problem, so how could it be the solution? Doesn’t add up. ‘Sexual healing’ means purity.

It would be best for you to just treat him like a brother and pray for him. Don’t date or be alone with the guy, because that would be sending him the wrong signal. God bless you both.

I would recommend sexaholics anonymous but I’m not sure if he’s willing or old enough yet.

I agree. It may be fine to be a platonic freind and offer moral support, but anybody who hasn’t got the serious issues as you describe sorted out isn’t ready for a romantic relationship. He should get clean on drugs and sort out his sexual problems before even thinking of dating anybody. You can only enter a romantic relationship when your mind is clean and free and only by being clean and free can you be worthy of the other person’s romantic affections. If you can’t clear it or free it then you shouldn’t be dating. It’s as simple as that. Rather than you helping him out of his problems, he will end up dragging you into the midst of them.

 

[Joe_5859]

I agree with the general consensus that “run away…FAST!!!” is your best option. If you were my daughter/sister/cousin/friend, I would insist upon it emphatically.

This relationship has gone on for only two weeks (which is less than the blink of an eye) and he already wants to be your best friend, your trusted confidant, and your “amor”. No normal relationship moves that quickly. It sounds like he is trying to wiggle his way into your life, your heart, and more.

I know the temptation is to dismiss the advice given here as not applicable to this guy because he is “different”, but that is sadly not the case. If you do not remove yourself from his company immediately, you will regret it for a very long time.