Sex before marriage

[marubcic]

Not sure if this should be posted here,but anyways. I have struggled with sex before marriage for three years now, I am 23. I slept with my ex-bf who was catholic and he went to church, but the temptation was strong so we both gave in. Anyways, I ended this relationship with him because of other issues i.e. personality clashes etc. A man I am seeing now, is not a practising Catholic. I have had sex with him. He is the first man that I can say I truly would give up my life for, I don’t know why. Lately I am thinking about where I am headed in life. I’d like to get married someday and have children in my 30s, but right now, I have many years of education left and financially getting married would be impossible, particularly as my family is quite poor and would be unable to contribute in any way. My boyfriend is also in college and has many years left. Should I break up with him? It would be difficult to all of a sudden turn around and say no more sex until we are married which will be many years to come. The thing that bothers me is, because I have had sex with men, if I wanted to wait til marriage, no man who would also want to wait til marriage would want to be with me e.g. I went on two dates with Catholic men who were virgins and once they uncovered I wasn’t one they ended it, even though I said I would wait for them. On the other hand, I want to bring my boyfriend closer to God, I feel a great need to change him and see potential in him. Your advice would be much appreciated.

 

[pwlj_christ87]

i am no expert but there is no justification for sin. seeing somebody and not having sex is not all as depressing as it may seem, in fact you strengthen your bonds together and come to appreciate each other to a new level. in the bible it says that marriage god brings together and let no man break that, so if this is gods will then i would suggest following his commands, praying and living as god says. it may sound hard becuase you have laready had sex and are afraid he will leave, but if he does then the relationship is a faulty one since it is only based on using your body as an object of enjoyment,

two people that truley love each other would not base their relationship on sex, living chaste is in fact freedom and not the opposite. believe me, i struggled too for a long time. but what in fact is going on with premarital sex often is people are actually just using the person for as long as is mutually acceptable to be na object of enjoyment, to gain satisfaction, rather than establish true love… marriage is a sacrament just like confession, it is truly beautiful, so dont compromise it for anything less…

 

[MaryT777]

Why not talk to your boyfriend and tell him how you feel about sex before marriage?
See if he will join you in a relationship without premarital sex. You might be shocked how much you enjoy each others’ company and he may agree it’s a good idea. You don’t know until you discuss it. If he won’t then you can make your decision.
Good luck with the discussion; I hope he will join you in a commitment to wait until marriage.
Peace in Christ
Mary.

 

[DavidtheGnome]

This is their loss-but I don’t think you should feel that you cannot find someone who will support you in your quest to honor God’s plan for sexuality. I know that after making decisions in my past that I am not proud of that finding someone who wants to preserve chastity in a relationship in the hope of marriage is a must have.

Peace

 

[onjac]

Not sure if this should be posted here,but anyways. I have struggled with sex before marriage for three years now, I am 23. I slept with my ex-bf who was catholic and he went to church, but the temptation was strong so we both gave in. Anyways, I ended this relationship with him because of other issues i.e. personality clashes etc. A man I am seeing now, is not a practising Catholic. I have had sex with him. He is the first man that I can say I truly would give up my life for, I don’t know why. Lately I am thinking about where I am headed in life. I’d like to get married someday and have children in my 30s, but right now, I have many years of education left and financially getting married would be impossible, particularly as my family is quite poor and would be unable to contribute in any way. My boyfriend is also in college and has many years left. Should I break up with him? It would be difficult to all of a sudden turn around and say no more sex until we are married which will be many years to come. The thing that bothers me is, because I have had sex with men, if I wanted to wait til marriage, no man who would also want to wait til marriage would want to be with me e.g. I went on two dates with Catholic men who were virgins and once they uncovered I wasn’t one they ended it, even though I said I would wait for them. On the other hand, I want to bring my boyfriend closer to God, I feel a great need to change him and see potential in him. Your advice would be much appreciated.

I’m no relationship expert but there are some men out there who are willing to wait until marriage. God only wants the best for you. I suggest that you keep praying and then, bring this up with your boyfriend. You may never know what may happen. I met a guy back in high school and he turned out to be a such a good person at heart (way better than me) and I wouldn’t have guessed it. My relationship with him affected me deeply, even up to this day.

 

[bzkoss236]

The thing that bothers me is, because I have had sex with men, if I wanted to wait til marriage, no man who would also want to wait til marriage would want to be with me e.g. I went on two dates with Catholic men who were virgins and once they uncovered I wasn’t one they ended it, even though I said I would wait for them.

This is not everyone’s view, but many guys do have the thought of being each other’s first. Other guys will accept this, however, and see it as you having made a mistake and having repented are making a serious effort to sin no more. You just have to find those guys.

 

[MidnightSun12]

First off, God bless you for looking for answers with regards to pre-marital sex. It is a very dangerous sin that is taken far too lightly in our society today, the fact that you are searching for guidance here is a sign that God’s graces are present in your life.

That said, you must stop the sex right away as you are putting your soul in grave danger. Your soul is worth far more then any amount of personal comfort in this life. The beautiful thing is that while losing a relationship may be the sacrifice you’ll have to make for ending the pre-marital sex, God could very possibly make the pain of the break-up as if it was nothing (please read my story below).

I have gone through two major break-ups in my life. The first was before I returned to the faith and was with a lady whom I dated for 3 years. I was devastated, the break-up hurt for months and I was in great emotional pain for quite some time.

The second break-up was quite different. See, I was having pre-marital sex with this second girlfriend and there was a point where God intervened in my life and told me that if I didn’t stop committing mortal sin that I would not be going to heaven. I was so scared of going through a break-up and being alone that I initially decided to reject God’s call for me to return to Him. Fortunately, God was persistent and my anxiety over having pre-marital sex and committing grave sin eventually caused the relationship to fail and 2nd girlfriend broke up with me. It was at that point where I finally decided to embrace God in my life and the strangest thing happened: I felt absolutely no pain nor regret over the break-up. I mean, I’m the kind of guy who get’s bothered by somebody being rude to me in the hall-way… losing a lady after a 1st or 2nd date bothers me because I eat myself up over what I did wrong. In this case, however, losing a girlfriend was absolutely painless. I understand now that the reason for this was because I was making the sacrifice for God, and as our Lord says:
Matthew 11:29-30:

Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.

I promise that whatever pain you fear may happen, God will make this pain as light as a feather as long as you are doing it for Him!

As for finding a guy, don’t worry, there are plenty of single, non-virgin guys out there like me who care tremendously about chastity and want to marry future saints!

God bless, my prayers are with you!

 

[PennyinCanada]

I have many years of education left and financially getting married would be impossible, particularly as my family is quite poor and would be unable to contribute in any way. My boyfriend is also in college and has many years left. Should I break up with him? It would be difficult to all of a sudden turn around and say no more sex until we are married which will be many years to come.

You have many years of education left, which require your full attention. You are not ready to be married (as you say) or in a position to be discerning a marriage partner yet, especially if it means you are not strong enough to avoid sin. You have the beautiful privilege of confession, but your non-Catholic boyfriend will not be cleansing his soul this way, and that is a great danger to him, which you have contributed. You have a desire to bring him closer to God but the reality is, both of you are in serious sin. The witness you are called to is to be chaste. It is God’s design for single adults, and you wish to continue to walk in his blessing. That goal is not being met right now, and you yourself say it would be difficult to give up sex until we are married. Walk upright with God and focus on the task at hand, your education. At the end of it, you won’t have a broken heart, or an unplanned pregnancy, or the guilt of using contraception, which can cause early abortion. (The pill can allow a break through ovulation and when the uterus lining is inhospitable, the new unique baby will be aborted)

The thing that bothers me is, because I have had sex with men, if I wanted to wait til marriage, no man who would also want to wait til marriage would want to be with me e.g. I went on two dates with Catholic men who were virgins and once they uncovered I wasn’t one they ended it, even though I said I would wait for them.

You weren’t the person for them, and they were not for you, that is all. No need to draw conclusions about the future men that may or may not come into your life. Hand that over to God and declare, Jesus, I trust in You for my future life partner. Keep him safe and in your care, and grant him the graces to walk with you daily, to grow in holiness and wisdom, and be pleasing to you. Grant this grace to me as well.

Proverbs 3…
My son, forget not my teaching, keep in mind my commands;
For many days, and years of life, and peace, will they bring you.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, on your own intelligence rely not;
In all your ways be mindful of him and he will make straight your paths.
Be not wise in your own eyes, fear the Lord and turn away from evil;
This will mean health for your flesh and vigor for your bones.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Not sure if this should be posted here,but anyways. I have struggled with sex before marriage for three years now, I am 23. I slept with my ex-bf who was catholic and he went to church, but the temptation was strong so we both gave in. Anyways, I ended this relationship with him because of other issues i.e. personality clashes etc. A man I am seeing now, is not a practising Catholic. I have had sex with him. He is the first man that I can say I truly would give up my life for, I don’t know why. Lately I am thinking about where I am headed in life. I’d like to get married someday and have children in my 30s, but right now, I have many years of education left and financially getting married would be impossible, particularly as my family is quite poor and would be unable to contribute in any way. My boyfriend is also in college and has many years left. Should I break up with him? It would be difficult to all of a sudden turn around and say no more sex until we are married which will be many years to come. The thing that bothers me is, because I have had sex with men, if I wanted to wait til marriage, no man who would also want to wait til marriage would want to be with me e.g. I went on two dates with Catholic men who were virgins and once they uncovered I wasn’t one they ended it, even though I said I would wait for them. On the other hand, I want to bring my boyfriend closer to God, I feel a great need to change him and see potential in him. Your advice would be much appreciated.

Sex is meant to bond a married couple together, it can be thought of as “super-glue” for marriage. Your brain produces hormones that make you want to stay with your current boyfriend, although you said he is not a practicing Catholic and may not even be suited to you. Your statement about giving up your life for him comes straight out of the false bond of having had sex with him. You should stop having sex with this man immediately. It is a sin to have sex outside of marriage, and it devalues your future marriage. You are “defiling the marriage bed” by sharing your body with men who will not be your husband. You are not in a position to be married so you should not be getting into bed with any man. And any man worth considering as a husband would not want to take advantage of you that way. But for now, you don’t even need to think of men in that way. Go out with groups of people, not alone one-on-one with a man. You will have to learn to treasure yourself enough to resist the temptation to get physical with a man you are attracted to. It is like wearing a beautiful wedding gown into a pig pen…Your body, mind and spirit get dragged down into the mud of transient relationships. Whether you mean to or not, you shut off parts of yourself so as not to get hurt again, and it makes trusting your future husband that much harder.

Trust me, I’ve been there and done that, and could write a book. It’s way too late for me, but it’s not too late for you. Get yourself back under control, stop having sex, it will clear your mind and you will look back and see these men for who they are, not as a result of being super-glued to them through sex.

 

[PennyinCanada]

What RealJuliane said…

God designed sex to be a super-glue for marriage and by having sex before it’s time, you’ve applied the super-glue when you should not have. That is for a man who comes before God, family, and friends and states his intention to love you and honor you the rest of your life. You just can’t think straight in a relationship once you’ve had sex and in these years before being married, you are setting the course for the decades to come. Quit having sex and clear your head. Be sober and watchful because your children and grandchildren depend on choices you make today.

Here’s a recent article that says…**The ex factor: Past relationships haunt new ones, study shows ** We always knew this, that the super glue doesn’t just disappear because the relationship breaks up. Read if you like…

winnipegfreepress.com/canada/the-ex-factor-past-relationships-haunt-new-ones-study-shows-156942865.html?utm_source=wfp&utm_medium=nextArticleDirect&utm_campaign=/canada

…In those relationships that declined over time, increased longing for an ex-partner was significant – and it was above and beyond general yearning for a change of partner. In other words, as a person’s current romance became less satisfying, desire turned more strongly to lovers from the past…

 

[marubcic]

Ok, so are you saying its best that I end this relationship with him? Yes financially I’m not ready to get married, but what does that mean, that God will bring someone into my life when I’ve finished all my studies and are financially ready? Sounds too ‘perfect.’

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Ok, so are you saying its best that I end this relationship with him? Yes financially I’m not ready to get married, but what does that mean, that God will bring someone into my life when I’ve finished all my studies and are financially ready? Sounds too ‘perfect.’

Unless you can stop having sex with this man, and stick to that, yes, it’s best to end the relationship and not get into another one. No, I do not believe in God “bringing someone” into one’s life, but at the point where you are ready for marriage, you then begin to date and discern marriage. You don’t just settle for the first person you date, you tr to be discriminating and always keep in mind that God does want the best for you, and that does NOT include premarital sex. You can’t keep a clear head when your body has already been involved.

It’s called CHASTITY. You can just explain that you have realized that having sex with him is not in your best interest or his, since you aren’t married. Think about what would happen if your birth control stopped working (birth control is a sin by the way) and you got pregnant. You could end up in a very difficult situation - it’s happened to many women who think the man they are having sex with is a moral man until they get pregnant, and then the man pressures them to have an abortion.

 

[Joe_5859]

Welcome to CAF!

Others have already given good advice, but I felt compelled to chime in on the idea of being “financially ready” to get married. We don’t have to wait until we have saved up tens of thousands of dollars so that we can throw a super-expensive wedding with all the bells and whistles. All you absolutely need is a priest and two witnesses. Getting married should not be a financial hardship.

I’m not saying that you’re ready for marriage (because I obviously cannot make that call), but I would just encourage you to consider that you don’t need to wait until you are in your 30s and 100% financially stable before talk of marriage even enters the picture. I know plenty of people who got married young (even while still in college) and then built a life together with their spouse.

It’s one of our society’s great ironies that people put off marriage because they “cannot afford to get married”, and yet they cohabitate because they “cannot afford not to live together.”

 

[Kal2012]

1. Don’t try to change your man. He’ll end up resenting you and you’ll end up depressed and sad because he didn’t change for you. Either you accept someone for who they are now or you don’t.
2. Marriage isn’t just about being able to afford it. My husband and I never would have gotten married had it been a question of having a certain amount of money in the bank account.

Marriage is about having a partner who has common goals and wanting to his/her helpmate in achieving ‘the dream’ - whatever that dream is. It’s also about compromise and wanting to be with someone for the long haul.

1. I get that you are young and think that you have all the time in the world to have kids in your 30’s, but I’ve seen both sides. Lately, I’ve been watching my single female friends who are over 35 realize that they aren’t going to find the right person and they probably aren’t going to have the families that they wanted. I’ve seen other couples who waited and waited to have kids only to find out that they couldn’t go the natural route when they wanted kids, so they ended up paying a ton of money for IVF/adoption.

If you want a family, then you need to figure out the plan now before your 30’s sneak up on you and find someone who shares the same goals/aspirations.

Things are never going to be perfect financially for either marriage or kids. Expenses always come up and surprises do happen. All you can do is pray that you will have a helpmate who you can (for the most part) see eye to eye with.

1. Yes, it would be difficult to say to the boyfriend that you don’t want sex anymore, but it’s about priorities. If he doesn’t respect your decision, then move on.

If someone cares about you, then your previous sex life isn’t always a deal-breaker.

Not everyone has good role models and they make bad choices because the choices they have are limited and they don’t have much experience outside what they grew up with/what they know. The key is whether you learn from the bad choice and change direction or don’t learn anything from the experience.

In your case, I’d definitely look for someone who values forgiveness and 2nd chances because it sounds like you are sincere in wanting to be on the right path and would like someone to travel that road with you. Just my two cents.

Jo

 

[Luvz2travel]

Not sure if this should be posted here,but anyways. I have struggled with sex before marriage for three years now, I am 23. I slept with my ex-bf who was catholic and he went to church, but the temptation was strong so we both gave in. Anyways, I ended this relationship with him because of other issues i.e. personality clashes etc. A man I am seeing now, is not a practising Catholic. I have had sex with him. He is the first man that I can say I truly would give up my life for, I don’t know why. Lately I am thinking about where I am headed in life. I’d like to get married someday and have children in my 30s, but right now, I have many years of education left and financially getting married would be impossible, particularly as my family is quite poor and would be unable to contribute in any way. My boyfriend is also in college and has many years left. Should I break up with him? It would be difficult to all of a sudden turn around and say no more sex until we are married which will be many years to come. The thing that bothers me is, because I have had sex with men, if I wanted to wait til marriage, no man who would also want to wait til marriage would want to be with me e.g. I went on two dates with Catholic men who were virgins and once they uncovered I wasn’t one they ended it, even though I said I would wait for them. On the other hand, I want to bring my boyfriend closer to God, I feel a great need to change him and see potential in him. Your advice would be much appreciated.

Well my first question would be why is it so out of the question to get married now. Are you both living at home? If not you could marry in a simple ceremony and have the big one later when you have more money. There’s no law beside tradition that say you have to spend a fortune and have a reception and every just to marry. I mean if you feel he’s the one and he agrees why wait you could save money by sharing housing if you were married maybe. On the other hand the guys who left you were not the one for you so I wouldn’t even bother worrying over them. You can’t bring your boyfriend closer to God only he can do that. You can give him opportunities like maybe going to mass with you for attending adoration or prayer time but other than that he has to find his own way.

 

[marubcic]

Well my first question would be why is it so out of the question to get married now. Are you both living at home? If not you could marry in a simple ceremony and have the big one later when you have more money. There’s no law beside tradition that say you have to spend a fortune and have a reception and every just to marry. I mean if you feel he’s the one and he agrees why wait you could save money by sharing housing if you were married maybe. On the other hand the guys who left you were not the one for you so I wouldn’t even bother worrying over them. You can’t bring your boyfriend closer to God only he can do that. You can give him opportunities like maybe going to mass with you for attending adoration or prayer time but other than that he has to find his own way.

Yeah we both are students and live at home. I don’t think he wants to get married for at least until his PHD is over (so another 4-5years) which seems like a reallyyyyy long time. I’m 23 by the way. I’ve always thought that getting married involved needing to buy a house first, which won’t be possible for either of us for a long time. We didn’t use contraception the two times we had intercourse (this sounds odd but my periods are very regular and chart them, so I avoid sex the 8 days every month I can get pregnant)

 

[Moore11]

Yeah we both are students and live at home. I don’t think he wants to get married for at least until his PHD is over (so another 4-5years) which seems like a reallyyyyy long time. I’m 23 by the way. I’ve always thought that getting married involved needing to buy a house first, which won’t be possible for either of us for a long time. We didn’t use contraception the two times we had intercourse (this sounds odd but my periods are very regular and chart them, so I avoid sex the 8 days every month I can get pregnant)

Marriage is a matter of vocation. So is your career and your potential parenthood. I am confused why you would be so knowledgeable about your body that you would chart but not understand the meaning and purpose of sex. Marriage is not about “finishing your studies”, saving money, or finding a handsome man to “have” but rather a vocation of family. A vocation of producing life. And to that end every moral Catholic sexual act must be ordered to the purpose of sex. You cannot have that order when not married and you cannot understand what marriage is if it is just something you do when you are done with school. My advice is to really really pray about this in front of the Blessed Sacrament. Start being introspective and asking yourself what your vocation or purpose is in life and if you are living out God’s Will for you. If God’s plan for you is to finish school then by all means trust Him to bring things into your life to finish that plan. If his plan for you is to have kids earlier than your mid 30s be open to that. Too often young people have this “plan” to finish school get a good job find a house, marry a spouse and have 2.5 kids for their three car garage suburban home. That sounds more like a “you” plan than a true “Vocation”

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Marriage is a matter of vocation. So is your career and your potential parenthood. I am confused why you would be so knowledgeable about your body that you would chart but not understand the meaning and purpose of sex. Marriage is not about “finishing your studies”, saving money, or finding a handsome man to “have” but rather a vocation of family. A vocation of producing life. And to that end every moral Catholic sexual act must be ordered to the purpose of sex. You cannot have that order when not married and you cannot understand what marriage is if it is just something you do when you are done with school. My advice is to really really pray about this in front of the Blessed Sacrament. Start being introspective and asking yourself what your vocation or purpose is in life and if you are living out God’s Will for you. If God’s plan for you is to finish school then by all means trust Him to bring things into your life to finish that plan. If his plan for you is to have kids earlier than your mid 30s be open to that. Too often young people have this “plan” to finish school get a good job find a house, marry a spouse and have 2.5 kids for their three car garage suburban home. That sounds more like a “you” plan than a true “Vocation”

:clapping::clapping::clapping:

 

[marubcic]

Marriage is a matter of vocation. So is your career and your potential parenthood. I am confused why you would be so knowledgeable about your body that you would chart but not understand the meaning and purpose of sex. Marriage is not about “finishing your studies”, saving money, or finding a handsome man to “have” but rather a vocation of family. A vocation of producing life. And to that end every moral Catholic sexual act must be ordered to the purpose of sex. You cannot have that order when not married and you cannot understand what marriage is if it is just something you do when you are done with school. My advice is to really really pray about this in front of the Blessed Sacrament. Start being introspective and asking yourself what your vocation or purpose is in life and if you are living out God’s Will for you. If God’s plan for you is to finish school then by all means trust Him to bring things into your life to finish that plan. If his plan for you is to have kids earlier than your mid 30s be open to that. Too often young people have this “plan” to finish school get a good job find a house, marry a spouse and have 2.5 kids for their three car garage suburban home. That sounds more like a “you” plan than a true “Vocation”

So basically you are saying don’t get married until you are ready to have babies?

I do feel that a career for me is important as I’ve always been really bright as school and everyone sees that I have potential. I’m hoping to be a psychologist and help people with mental health issues but this means that marriage/family/children will have to wait as it is a very intense and long degree…I just feel a bit ripped off as few of my friends did not go to university and started working as hairdressers etc and got married really young and were able to have sex, but for me, because I want to help people, and because this process will take a while, marriage and sex and children and everything else that comes with it, has to be pushed back…or even if I got married now, I’d need to avoid having children because there would be no way I could juggle that with such an intense degree…which means I’d be sinning because I’d be avoiding having children for a few years in my marriage.

 

[marubcic]

But yeah all this study/career stuff doesn’t really seem compatible with having a boyfriend, so maybe I’ll just have to break it off with him and find someone when I am ready to have children. P.S. does it help to pray for my boyfriend? In terms of making him come back to his faith?