Sex / Marriage / help

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Hello. Both my wife and I are in our mid forties and will be celebrating our 21st Anniversary this weekend. My wife is very devout attending daily mass and prayers while I just attend on Sunday’s (sometimes, I’ll explain). For the past 3 months we have not been intimate. She explains that if our goal is to not have anymore children, it is a sin to be intimate with each other. I have spoken personally with our priest about this and he would ask where she got this information from…I would reply that she reads unknown (to me) literature, although it’s not the bible or the CCC. My priest informed me he believes he knows where she may have also received this information…a class he would provide for women where my wife had misinterpreted. I repeatedly ask my wife is this the only reason why you no longer want to be intimate…because of the children issue and she would respond with a yes. I try to inform my wife that although our goal isn’t to have a child, we must remain open to the possibility of conceiving. She responds with “but we are not open to the possibility”. This has put a tremendous strain on our marriage. It’s extremely difficult for me to accept that I must remain abstinent for the remaining years of my life. Selfishly, I have not attended mass for the past few weeks as a response to her beliefs. I have also resorted to self gratification knowing it’s a sin. Anyways…I’ll be attending mass this Sunday with the hopes of speaking to our priest with my wife. In the meantime, is there some literature I can provide to my wife that may change her mind? I tried explaining to her what our priest said regarding marital debt and she shrugs it off as wrong (yet, she still goes to mass where he speaks). I’m not looking to be intimate with my spouse on a daily basis but I do miss the intimacy we used to have…even if it was only periodically. I can’t believe I’m the only one who is dealing with this issue. Can someone provide some feedback or assistance on this matter? Like I said, I hope to speak with our priest this Sunday but would welcome some more (name removed by moderator)ut. Thank You.
 
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I think if she got this idea from something the priest said in the first place, you’d be best off allowing the priest to correct the error and he might also be able to provide your wife with appropriate reading material.

If your wife is devout then she will likely listen to her priest. Much more so than she would listen to anything a stranger on the Internet says.

Sunday is just a couple of days away. Good luck and God bless. I will pray for you.

(By the way - you skipping Mass is not going to help to change her mind, and it just does harm to yourself, so don’t do that. )
 
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It could very well be she just doesn’t feel like being intimate with you. Don’t take it personally, sometimes that’s just the way it is.
 
But we’ve been intimate for the past 20 years. It’s only when she became more devout this started.
 
Unfortunately, I can relate to your wife as my dh and I disagree in that aspect of married life. We both don’t want anymore children, but I feel guilty when we’re not open to life. Sometimes, it’s easier to not be intimate because we avoid offending God in that respect.

However, I have learned that I must render the marital debt, which would be a mortal sin if I denied him.

I was advised by our priest that I MUST master my fertile cycle. That way I pay the marital debt, am open to life (during my infertile time), and not lead dh to violate the 6th commandment because of my rejecting him.

We have purchased a fertility monitor called Lady Comp which charts and records my temperature daily. I know when I’m fertile and when I’m not. You may want to consider that route.

I will pray for you and your wife.

Peace.

+JMJ+
 
Thank you. Isn’t NFP a method of when to have children versus a means to avoid having children. I/we feel if we used NFP while knowing we do not want any more children, we would be abusing the method. We have discussed this…my wife is not open to it.
 
From the USCCB website

NFP reflects the dignity of the human person within the context of marriage and family life, promotes openness to life, and recognizes the value of the child. By respecting the love-giving and life-giving natures of marriage, NFP can enrich the bond between husband and wife. (Standards for Diocesan Natural Family Planning Ministry, p. 23)

One would most likely have to speak with an NFP counselor for more info.
 
Maybe she’s having physical or hormonal problems. Going through menopause and all that?

Most women who are 45 are infertile and can’t have children, because of hormonal changes in their bodies.
 
That is why the Church does not teach that intimacy must be “open to the possibility”. She teaches that each act must be “ordered toward procreation”. That means that you do it in the same way you would do if she were fertile and you wanted to conceive.
 
Welcome to Catholic Answers Forums.

If you can schedule an appointment to talk to the priest, that might work better than catching him on Sunday. You’ll have more time and more privacy, and he can prepare for your questions.

May the Holy Spirit assist you in this difficult time and lead both of you to greater love and joy in your marriage. 💖
 
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She probably has focused on the “purpose” of marital relations to the exclusion of it’s unitive aspect. Just have the priest sit down with you both for a private, confidential discussion in his office. I’m sure he would be happy to clarify. If there is something more, it will come out.
God bless.
 
This is what NFP is all about, having relations and knowing whether or not your wife is fertile or not. Then both of you make the decision as to the timing of your marital relations. However, each act must be open to life (that does not mean you have to do it right during the fertile time and most likely end up pregnant). If you both choose not to get pregnant, then you abstain during the fertile time and have relations during the infertile time. It’s as simple as that. But it does take some sacrifice at times.
My wife and I have used NFP very successfully for 17 years now. It is not something to be afraid of. It is amazing the signals the female body gives off telling you of the fertile cycle when you know what to look for.

Please go back to Mass, go to confession since you admitted to sinning, and God Bless you and your wife.
 
kbie said:
I/we feel if we used NFP while knowing we do not want any more children, we would be abusing the method. We have discussed this…my wife is not open to it.
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kbie said:
I repeatedly ask my wife is this the only reason why you no longer want to be intimate…because of the children issue and she would respond with a yes. I try to inform my wife that although our goal isn’t to have a child, we must remain open to the possibility of conceiving. She responds with “but we are not open to the possibility”.
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Well bro, I hate to tell you this, but if you two (A) aren’t open to the only method that the RCC allows as a licit method to avoid pregnancy while still having sexual relations and (B) you two aren’t open to the possibility of having more children, then unless you two change your minds about either of those two issues, then you aren’t going to be having sex.
 
The problem isn’t her not wanting anymore children. The problem is not being able to be intimate with her anymore. Hopefully she will change after we discuss this with our priest. If all fails, there’s still nothing to evaluate, she is my wife. I’ll just have to figure this out.
 
kbie said:
The problem isn’t her not wanting anymore children. The problem is not being able to be intimate with her anymore.
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If you guys aren’t willing to practice NFP, then how do you intend to be intimate without risking pregnancy?
 
kbie said:
She responds with “but we are not open to the possibility”.
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She takes “open to the possibility” to mean “we are positively inclined to the possibility” (of another child). That’s not at all the correct meaning.

Persons who, with just reason, practice NFP “remain open to the possibility”. Were this not the case - the Church would be bound to condemn NFP. And presumably to condemn sex after menopause too? But the church condemns neither.

You should call upon your priest to rectify the problem (given he already recognizes he may have caused it).
 
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I still think there´s something beside nfp (mis)understandings, moral discussions on church teachings and fear of another birth. You can misunderstand things, but - not to offend - maybe it´s not without meaning that she misunderstood this topic (sexuality).
If I were insecure on this, I would search for every little possibility that allows me to have sex with my husband, and before I would simply say no to sexual relations, I would ask probably two priests because the idea itself would be terrifying.
Could it be possible that her strong drive to strict (and too strict) religious commandments in this case is some kind of refuge for her? This is not to blame you, dear OP. It has not necessarily something to do with you. But I would check for a deeper reason in this situation.
 
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