Sex question from an engaged man (virgin)

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Talk about sex with fiance
forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=788040

We are no longer in the “newlywed” stage…need help with the transit.
forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=789490

How do men participate in NFP?
forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=791599

Still no sex after 6 months marriage
forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=792973

How would you know if you are sexually compatible?
forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=782582

Am I being a jerk about chastity?
forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=794116

Marital Foreplay and Sex
forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=664612

Advice Please - Wife Going Overboard
forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=777655

All those threads shows the lack of education, the lack of trust about the conjugal carnal love, the lack of naturality, the lack of good view on all the corollaries of marital act. **
*
The regime of the validity of the marriage??? The regime of the morality of the using or not using of the marital act???
**
INFORMATION, COMMUNICATION, EDUCATION, DISCUSSIONS ARE THE SOLUTIONS*
 
fpt said:
Talk about sex with fiance
forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=788040

We are no longer in the “newlywed” stage…need help with the transit.
forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=789490

How do men participate in NFP?
forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=791599

Still no sex after 6 months marriage
forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=792973

How would you know if you are sexually compatible?
forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=782582

Am I being a jerk about chastity?
forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=794116

Marital Foreplay and Sex
forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=664612

Advice Please - Wife Going Overboard
forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=777655

All those threads shows the lack of education, the lack of trust about the conjugal carnal love, the lack of naturality, the lack of good view on all the corollaries of marital act. **
*
The regime of the validity of the marriage??? The regime of the morality of the using or not using of the marital act???
**
INFORMATION, COMMUNICATION, EDUCATION, DISCUSSIONS ARE THE SOLUTIONS*
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Code: 
I Agree 100 %


  See answer ..... #7 ....     # 19    

 Thats why I said that I would have thought people would know this stuff.....
  Am I THAT  intelligent..... maybe if uneducated folk had a look at some forms of Porn they might learn something... look at it as in a Classroom manner, not in a lustfull manner,you might learn something about what each gender likes,wants,needs etc.

            God Bless all you little Ducklings.. haha
 
ConfusedRC said:
I guess that’s the answer that I was looking for on another post. Can I manually manipulate (hand, etc.) my wife before I penetrate, so that she does climax.

Is there a clear answer on this?
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Well, yes. there is. Simultaneous climax is considered best… Here is a church approved “sex manual” of sorts. Christopher West’s “The Good News About Sex and Marriage.” It’s a very easy read that both you and your future wife should be able to discuss easily. It explains much about the Chruch teaching on sexual ethics. It is used by our local parish as part of the Pre-canna courses. Live this way, and you will find great satisfaction. Please start here.

Now, you want an even higher level of relationship with your wife? I would suggest Popcak’s “Holy Sex.” It also has some helpful chapters on some common sexual issues.
 
Kelfa28 said:
Congrats on your upcoming wedding!

Yes, it’s morally permissible for a man to assist his wife to a climax at any time. Before, during or after intercourse.

I will warn you…she probably won’t be achieving climax for a little while. It takes time to figure out exactly how a woman ticks and what will bring her to climax.

Keep trying and encourage her to tell you exactly what feels good and what doesn’t. If you don’t encourage her to speak up…she won’t and you’ll have no idea what is going on within her head. She might be thinking “that felt good, I wish he didn’t stop” or “I don’t like this…it doesn’t feel good.”
She’ll get frustrated quickly but might be too embarrassed to say anything.

Keep trying…try different things and enjoy it.

I used to think that it was genuinely impossible for a woman to achieve climax…at least for me it was impossible.

But…my husband and I have practiced a lot…and I can say he can get me to reach climax at any time…in almost anyway. That’s because he knows exactly how I tick and what works for me and what doesn’t.

Climaxing at the same time…isn’t something to actually look to achieve. Personally, I don’t think it’s really possible. It’s certainly not the apex of an orgasm either. It puts way too much pressure on the spouses.
Hubby and I have been “practicing” for 5 years now. Climaxing at the same time has happened exactly once for us…sort of.
To be honest…it’s not something I would be actively looking to achieve at all when it comes to sexual intimacy.

Multiple orgasms aren’t impossible…but they can be very difficult to achieve. I think it depends on the woman.

Just concentrate on one climax. Take the time and work hard at it…but you need to learn about each other more then what a book will tell you. It can give you ideas…but every single woman is different.

Good luck and have fun with it. Sex, like any skill, takes practice to get good at.
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WELL SAID 😃 I couldn’t agree more.
 
You shouldn’t worry about any of this! Let your body lead your soul and let your soul lead your body. This idea is from “Three to get Married” by the Venerable Archbishop Fulton Sheen. I highly suggest you read this book. It’s short and I couldn’t put it down.

The two of you should only put your mind on God and making a perfect gift of yourselves to each other. The passion of the holy spirit will lead you. There is no beginning or end. There is no starting or finishing line. If you are open to life and you are gifting your body to your spouse, you are acheiving glimpses of the divine (climax or no climax for either of you).

You may kiss her on the way out the door when the spirit moves you. You might think to make time for intimacy but end up having pure bliss in a sweet cuddle. Being open to intimacy should be coupled with being open to celibacy when it is sweeter. Follow your heart!

And as a side note, every body is different. Some of the things people will tell you about your body will be completely wrong. Some women acheive first, some never. You and your fiance have the rare opportunity to begin your lives together without any miseducation or misleading experiences that many couples have to spend time unlearning. She is yours and you are hers. Her body a literal gift from God and your body is God’s and will be given to her. Your marriage will make everyone else’s marriages stronger and more beautiful. May God continue to bless you both!

Et in spiritu tuo!
 
Not sure how many men responded to your question, but here are some of my observations over the last 14 years.

Wives generally will not know WHAT an orgasm is until they experience one. They, for the most part, did not have wet dreams when they were children no did they play with themselves until they were told that was improper. SO an orgasm is something she most likely will not experience until it just happens.

My wife told me she did not have TRUE orgasms until she hit her early thirties. She just did not know WHAT it was or how to get there. Once she figured it out she can usually have one every time. Don’t get too worked up over it. Just go slow until she is comfortable. MOST women will be VERY nervous about their first time. Being nervous makes them tense up and remain dry. Buy some astroglide or other WATER based lube ahead of time. Oil based lube is very slippery and HARD to cleanup.

Can you talk to your wife to be about it ahead of time? Some women do NOT like to talk about such things. If she will talk to you then just ask her to please let you know if anything hurts, feels good or bad, etc. So many couples NEVER talk about sex and what feels good and what does not. Watch her FACE while you are having sex. You can usually read quite easily if she enjoys what you are doing or not.

Your first time and probably the first 10-20 times will probably be over before they begin. You have waiting your whole life and now there is this naked spouse in front of you. Don’t be ashamed and mad at yourself. This will get better with time.

My wife has told me that she can NOT usually have an orgasm with normal sex. Their most sensitive areas are on the OUTSIDE of her body an inch or two up from her vagina. It is a small button shaped organ called the clitoris. It is similar to the tip of the mans organ. MOST women need stimulation in this area, usually AROUND this organ, to achieve an orgasm. Some women can stand direct stimulation of the clitoris, but most can not. The feeling is too intense and can be painful for them. This is where you would want to concentrate on providing stimulation if she is unable to have an orgasm vaginally.

Keep in mind that all of these sensations will be NEW for her as well. She may pull away from you if you try to move too fast. Women like slow and gentle caresses. Us guys can get a little rough and we don’t realize that we are being that way. She may not say anything to you about this either, at least not until you have been married for a while. I tell you this now as it seems to be a common complaint from wives and for some reason they won’t say anything.

After she has her first child, I know that is a ways off, she will also probably not have much vaginal sensation. Think about what went through there and how that area needs to heal, etc. Some of the tissues can be desensitized. This is where your attention to the other parts of her body come into play. I bought my wife a vibrator because she just could not seem to have an orgasm after she had babies. This did wonders for her and she can now usually climax with every session. You will find that you want her to have a climax with every session and will feel sort of let down if she doesn’t, once she knows what it is and how to achieve it. Make sure to tell her how YOU feel as well. Let her know what she and sex means to you. Don’t hide your feeling from her. We tend to do that a lot, but it is a mistake.

Sorry for the long post, but hopefully some of these points are helpful. I know it is easier to ask and get answers to these sorts of questions on a forum like this vs. asking someone in person. Above all, ENJOY each other and the special gift you be able to share once your married.
 
Just wanted to follow up on yladoob’s post. You are so lucky to both be going into marriage chaste, and it’s good that you want to follow the Church’s teaching. But don’t worry about the nitty gritty details until after you are married. It is better to avoid certain types of intimacy for a little bit in marriage than to have impure thoughts (or even slip into impure actions) when you are so close to your goal!

Take it from me - I am just 8 months in to my marriage, and these comments are very helpful. But looking back, I am perfectly happy that we have “discovered” a lot of these things on our own the hard way.
 
Checksix said:
I can’t find a direct answer to this question. I bought of a book called Contemporary Moral Theology that several people on this forum mentioned. It’s really good. It says that a man must climax inside the woman, and that is what makes a marriage act, since that is how procreation occurs. The woman doesn’t have to climax for it to be a valid marriage act, but she is ENTITLED to a climax. The man is also allowed to delay his climax until the woman has climaxed multiple times, as long as he does climax inside the woman (or makes a reasonable effort to do so … the Church isn’t going to condemn people who have problems in this area). But obviously my question is about the opposite case: when the man climaxes before the woman has a chance to. The book doesn’t say anything about whether it is permitted to give the woman a climax with a different method than the usual.
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Do you have an isbn or author for this book?
 
maryjk said:
My husband and I joke that men are microwaves and women are crock pots. 😊

(Now, I know that there are men out there that are slow to burn and women that get hot quick. But, generally, what I said goes.)
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Yes, for every stereotype there is the exception. My wife is the microwave and I am the crock pot. This is something for the OP to consider as well…it does take practice as other posters have said. I had performance anxiety on our wedding night…big time…and as a result it was not a successful night in the sex department. As another poster said, that’s OK. I think many devout Christians, who patiently wait for their wedding night to have sex, build it up waaaaaaaaaaay too much and are disappointed. Getting married doesn’t suddenly mean amazing sex all the time anytime… at least not for most people.
 
FYI thread was started more than 3 years ago. Thread etiquette is not to resurrect old ones.
 
Oh wow- I was going to write a long winded reply. Just realized this thread was old!
 
Yeah, presumably OP has rendered this thread a moot point by now. 😃
 
Congratulations on the upcoming wedding! 👍👍

There are a million different variations on the “is this sexual activity permissible” question and a lot of misinformation out there about what the Catholic church officially teaches.

Contrary to popular belief, there aren’t a lot of hard and fast rules about what is not permitted between a married couple. To sum it up, there are really only three hard and fast rules regarding sexual activity within marriage:

**1. The man and woman must have the intention of the man climaxing inside the woman during sexual activity;
  1. The woman’s climax should come “within the context of” intercourse, where the man and the woman have the intention of the man climaxing inside the woman; and
  2. No artificial contraceptives may be used with the intention of preventing pregnancy. **
These are the clear limitations laid out by the magisterium. If a particular activity does not violate any of these three rules, then it’s not morally prohibited by the church.

Other Catholics have other opinions out there about other restrictions and things that are “immoral”, and people are of course free to have (and live by) those opinions. However, they are just opinions and not binding on all Catholics. Those are the only three defined hard and fast rules about sexual activity between married couples. If both couples are fine with an activity, and it doesn’t violate one of those three rules, it’s perfectly permissible and between the married couple.

With regard to 1, there is the qualifier “the intention of” because, especially when you are newly married, there might be some “oops” moments. If you are truly waiting for marriage, as a man, you might be too excited and, while you and your wife intend for you to finish inside the woman, you may be overstimulated and you may climax before you get to that point. If that happens, don’t worry about it and obsessed that you “sinned” or weren’t “open to life.” Your wife will likely feel desirable and everything is fine. For Catholic couples that wait until marriage, that type of thing can happen, especially as newlyweds.

With regard to 2, essentially that means no sexual activity outside of “the context of intercourse.” No mutual masturbation. Now, there is no strict rule on “how long,” but, in the couple’s judgment, it must be within the context of intercourse. If the man climaxes inside the woman, they talk lay in bed and talk and cuddle for 5 minutes, and then the man helps the woman finish, probably fine. If the man finishes inside the woman; he heads out the door to pick up some groceries and wash his car, 2 hours later comes back to finish off his wife, probably not “within the context” of the original act. But, what that means is within the prudent discretion of the couple.

The qualifier is also added “within the intention of…” because, there may be times when, in the course of sexual activity, the man helps the woman achieve climax, with the intention of later climaxing inside the woman (also fine). However, before the man can climax, 3 year old daughter knocks on the door crying with a tummy ache, the smoke detector goes off, etc., and the man doesn’t climax. Don’t obsess about it, it wasn’t a sin. The intention was right.

The point is that sex should be unitive and procreative. This means that for sexual activity within a married, the three concrete rules are that the man and the woman must intend that:
(1) the man climaxes inside the woman; and
(2) The woman’s climax occurs “within the context of” (whether before, after or during) intercourse.
(3) Not to use artificial contraception with the intention of preventing pregnancy.

Don’t sweat it. If you follow those three rules, then nothing you are doing is violating what the magisterium teaches. There are endless discussions about various people’s opinions about what is or isn’t compatible with the “procreative” or “unitive” aspects of sex. Those are all interesting, but they are just opinions.

Of course, the other “subjective” rule is that everything done should be respectful and loving to the other spouse. So, even if it’s not “morally impermissible” to, for example, use handcuffs. If one spouse finds it disrespectful, unloving, or demeaning, then it should not be done.
 
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