Sex Question

  • Thread starter Thread starter moon1234
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
M

moon1234

Guest
My wife and I have 7 children and are expecting our 8th next march. My question is in regards to frequency of intercourse. What is considered “normal”? I seem to have a much higher drive than my wife. At what point should I back off?

I try not to be overbearing, but sometimes I feel like I am given the cold shoulder. St. Thomas seems to indicate 3-4 times a day is the limit (I wish). It is more like once, maybe twice a week. I would prefer every day, but that seems to annoy her, which I really don’t understand.

When we were first married, in my mind she seemed a LOT more attracted to me physically. I think she still is, she is just not overt like she used to be.

I am wondering what the “norm” is for other families with larger numbers of kids? She seems to think they ALL must be sleeping, etc. before she wants to do anything. I am more of the mind to lock the older kids outside and tell them get some excercise and put the littles down for naps.

Hopefully this is not too offensive, etc. I am just curious and it is not quite so easy to just bring a question like this up in Church group. Some of my guy friends will tell me, but they are very few and don’t have any kids yet.

Thanks.
 
This does not belong in the Traditional Catholicism forum. This forum is for discussing things about the EF Mass, etc.
 
Sorry, I don’t mean to sound like a smart aleck, but my wife and I had 7 children so I speak with some experience. My answer is when you run out of room at the dinner table.Which seems to be the case with you now. Or when she starts handling the carving knives with a wistful look in her eye. :bigyikes: 😃
 
Or when she starts handling the carving knives with a wistful look in her eye

That started happening after the third child. I was just hoping for some kind of clarity. I know she is stressed at times. I DO think she likes it, but it takes my taking initiative tomake it happen. I just don’t want to be overbearing. It is why I was hoping to get some clarity as to what is “normal” for other large families.
 
This is probably a conversation you should be having with her and not strangers on the internet!
 
I am pretty sure there is no “normal” for something like this such that one can extrapolate from other couples’ experience/practice.

Regardless of what is normal, if frequency is an area of contention, shouldn’t you two be discussing the whys and wherefores of that discrepancy, so that you can reach a level that is comfortable for both of you, regardless of whether that is much more, much less, or exactly the same as other couples with big families?

Why is she not as interested (rhetorical question for the internets, not for you to answer here)? I mean, I do not know you at all, other than I recall you as a poster of good will, moon, but it would not seem a stretch to suppose that she is tired from caring for the kids or from her work if she works outside the home? Does she have a chance to exercise or have quiet time to herself? Again, not saying these issues are your particular issues, but if there is something holding her back, it would seem to me to be better to spend time working on resolving those issues than worrying about what is “normal”.
 
She is probably NOT up for the speed at which you are conceiving, open to life, good!! though… isn’t it a lot of work to raise children? Why don’t you take up exercising instead when you get the too often urges? And the more the merrier is possible… but why don’t you try to practice natural family planning and the creighton model? it will probably ease her and your mind… Help her, it takes a lot out of her to have children… maybe she needs to eat more nutritious foods…
be concerned about her, sir! 🙂 She is sort of trying to get you to back off and be … sensible.
 
My husband and I have gone through periods of times where it is several times a week, sometimes, several times in an overnight. Then, due to health, time, energy, demands of children, it tapers off to once a week. We have three kids with one on the way, due in February.
This change in frequency is totally normal. During the dry spells, make sure you don’t try to make her feel guilty. It is a common mistake for even the most loving husbands to make. Just do your best to set the right mood and give her plenty, and I mean PLENTY of affection, with no strings attached. Her libido should pick up again with loving attention and plenty of rest, barring any psychological or medical issues, of course.
 
Moon,

Each family has its own dynamic. There is no objective metric for “too much” vs “not enough”. Almost invariably, one spouse feels shunned at least part of the time while the other feels excessively pursued.

It is up to you and your wife to come to agreement on what is right for you at this time.

Oh, and the “family life” or “moral theology” forums would be better place for this topic in the future. 🙂
 
What other things do you think about and do with her? Do you take her to the theater, or out to dinner and dancing. To the movies or on weekend vacations to get a break from the children from time to time. Do you hold hands and take walks together anymore or spend time playing board games with her and the kids. Do you take the kids to the park once in a while and leave her at home where she can spend time by herself and tell her that you love her when you are not having sex. Is she still your favorite girl as she was when you were dating. Think about it. Or is she just an object now. I hope not. We can often take each other for granted especially when time is very limited. Quality time is so important! Let the Holy Spirit guide you. Take care, Brenda
 
There is no “normal” and I can think of no good reason why you should be looking for some “number” unless it is to say - “see honey everybody else does it “X” often…”

You have 7 children…Your wife is probably exhausted so lighten up…

What should be “normal” is that you and your beautiful lady talk about these things and decide what frequency works for both of you.

For you - I suggest that instead of worrying about how often, think about how fine, how romantic, how quiet and removed from the daily routine you can make your times together…
Date nights, weekend getaways are always good…Even better are things like being extremely helpful around the house…Even telling her to go sit down while you take care of dinner/kids/clean-up etc…

If, as you say, your lady enjoys “getting together” as much as you do…She will be even MORE appreciative of these kinds of special attentions…and a grand time will be had by all…Not as often but far higher quality…

Peace
James
 
flower_lady said:
What other things do you think about and do with her? Do you take her to the theater, or out to dinner and dancing. To the movies or on weekend vacations to get a break from the children from time to time. Do you hold hands and take walks together anymore or spend time playing board games with her and the kids. Do you take the kids to the park once in a while and leave her at home where she can spend time by herself and tell her that you love her when you are not having sex. Is she still your favorite girl as she was when you were dating. Think about it. Or is she just an object now. I hope not. We can often take each other for granted especially when time is very limited. Quality time is so important! Let the Holy Spirit guide you. Take care, Brenda
Click to expand...
This!!! Thanks for putting it so well Brenda!! 🙂
 
It seems that the question isn’t, “What’s normal”, but rather what does a husband do when their wife just isn’t as interested in sexual relations. This second question demonstrates that here may be something amiss between the two of you, not that there necessarily is, rather than there maybe something that may be amiss with one of you. From a fair reading of your post it is readily apparent that the gift of sexual relations is a source of your identity as a husband and if that occurs less frequently then so does your status as a successful husband. Time to call the parrish office and schedule some time with a Priest.
 
Be careful not to over indulge in sexual relations with your wife. Just ‘‘using’’ her as a means to avoid sins of impurity with yourself can be dangerous. In the end you don’t see your wife, just someone in whom you visit every now and again to relieve yourself of your temptations.

Continence is good. Seperate for a while with your wifes consent. It is good to do this so that we do not abuse the gift of sexual intercourse, but rather to see it for the gift it truly is.

As Archbishop Fulton Sheen, said, too much of anything can give you a headache.
 
I hope this thread gets moved to Family Life. There are a lot of very wise women who frequent that section (but not this section) who would have a lot of good words of advice for the OP.
 
Well, as a mother of seven children, I would imagine your wife would like a break. That doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you or the big family, but the work is exhausting. I try to find ways to let my husband know that I love him. Like go for walks together, or join him in one of his favorite hobbies. She probably knows that you would like to feel the closeness, but she’s probably soooooo tired.

Maybe you could be affectionate with no strings attached for awhile?
 
GloriaMaria said:
Well, as a mother of seven children, I would imagine your wife would like a break. That doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you or the big family, but the work is exhausting. I try to find ways to let my husband know that I love him. Like go for walks together, or join him in one of his favorite hobbies. She probably knows that you would like to feel the closeness, but she’s probably soooooo tired.

Maybe you could be affectionate with no strings attached for awhile?
Click to expand...
I want to give this post 10/10, as it’s sensible and probably describes how your wife is feeling right now.

I’m a dude and I have hard enough time keeping up with ONE child!
 
Melchior said:
I want to give this post 10/10, as it’s sensible and probably describes how your wife is feeling right now.

I’m a dude and I have hard enough time keeping up with ONE child!
Click to expand...
I’m with you on that. We have three (youngest is now 17) and my wife is an MD. I don’t know how she did it.

I think the most romantic thing the OP could do for his wife right now is the laundry. I kid not. Help out with the housework and give her a break. Concrete gestures like that will really show her you love her and have consideration for her feelings.

And if she criticizes how you hang the laundry (been there done that!), don’t take it personally but take it like a man, with a smile on your face and a “yes dear, I’ll try to remember for next time”. Then make sure there IS a next time, and that you DO remember 😉
 
OraLabora said:
I’m with you on that. We have three (youngest is now 17) and my wife is an MD. I don’t know how she did it.

I think the most romantic thing the OP could do for his wife right now is the laundry. I kid not. Help out with the housework and give her a break. Concrete gestures like that will really show her you love her and have consideration for her feelings.

And if she criticizes how you hang the laundry (been there done that!), don’t take it personally but take it like a man, with a smile on your face and a “yes dear, I’ll try to remember for next time”. Then make sure there IS a next time, and that you DO remember 😉
Click to expand...
There’s a good book on “the five love languages” that talks about this. The author relates a story that worked like this;

“Doc, I don’t like your ‘love tank’ game. I asked my wife what she was at, and it was 7/10. I asked her how I can make her feel more loved, she said ‘do some laundry’. Laundry, I just don’t get it!”

“Kevin, what do you feel your love language is?”

“Physical touch, especially the sexual side of marriage”.

“Listen to me closely, Kevin. The same love you feel while having sex with your wife is the same love she feels when you do the laundry”.

“BRING ON THE LAUNDRY! I’ll do laundry every day if it makes her feel that good!”

A serious good book. amazon.com/The-Five-Love-Languages-Commitment/dp/1881273156
 
Fasting has always been the response of the Christian to help control sexual urges and temptations. Why not fast and pray?

Prayer, fasting and almsgiving are the three spiritual disciplines given to us by God to help us calm and take control of these types of urges, desires and tempation - the lust of the flesh, lust of the eyes and pride of life.

For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh and the lust of the eyes and the pride of life, is not of the Father but is of the world. (1 John 2:16)

The lust of the flesh is desire for sex, food and comfort. The lust of the eyes is the desire for material goods, cars, homes,nice clothes and such things. The pride of life is the desire to be known and praised - our ego. John tells us that these things are “of the world” and so we know we can successfully combat them through spiritual means. Jesus teaches us how to fight these things in Matthew 6.

Fasting helps us fight the lust of the flesh and teaches us that we do not need to satisfy our bodily urges and desires, that being close to God is better. Fasting symbolizes dependence upon God for our needs and putting God first in our lives.

But when you fast, anoint your head and wash your face, so that you may not appear to be fasting, except to your Father who is hidden. And your Father who sees what is hidden will repay you. (Matthew 6:17-18)

Prayer teaches us to fight the pride of life - we kneel in humility, understanding our correct place in creation as created beings, and we communicate with our creator who holds us in existence.

But when you pray, go to your inner room, close the door, and pray to your Father in secret. And your Father who sees in secret will repay you. (Matthew 6:6)

Almsgiving helps us fight the lust of the eyes - next time you are lusting after a $500 golf club, go buy a few bags of groceries for the out of work family down the street or drop a hundred dollar bill at the local homeless shelter and the lust for that golf club will go away fast.

But when you give alms, do not let your left hand know what your right is doing, so that your almsgiving may be secret. And your Father who sees in secret will repay you. (Matthew 6:3-4)

Fasting has been the traditional Christian repsonse to the “lust of the flesh.” So why not fast and pray?

-Tim-
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top