D
DJgang
Guest
Quotes for truthI think women typically peak sexually at 40, for men it’s downhill from 20. Hormones probably match for a few weeks when both are 30.
- Status
H
HoneyBea
Guest
So stop asking and just grab her and throw her down on the bed and give it to her.
No, I’m not talking about rape people chill out…but you know what I’m talking about!
No, I’m not talking about rape people chill out…but you know what I’m talking about!
Z
z_0101
Guest
:bighanky: I am so very sad to see some the responses here today
here we are in Lent, we’re supposed to reflecting upon our sins
we’re supposed to be reflecting on the temptations faced by Christ
we’re supposed to be reflecting upon how we evangelize the world
:bighanky: I am so very sad to see some the responses here today :bighanky:
While most of these posts offer only:
Pray
Offer it up
Deal with it
and these are all well within what we as Christians, and especially as Catholic Christians, must do when such a cross is given us to carry;
however,
no one has even thought about a medical condition! (well unless I cross post with someone
)
There could be something very seriously, medically, wrong with her!
Your wife needs to go see a doctor (*) to make sure that her endocrine system is working properly. She could be hypo or hyper thyroidic, she could have low testosterone (Yes, Women can have a low testosterone level), her progesterone could be off… oh my, just so many things that can go wrong with this system.
(*) She needs to see an Endocrinologist - as much as we love our general practitioner, we take our children to pediatrician, we see a dentist for our teeth, and my Wife and girls see an OB/GYN for well, the female parts (to keep this G-Rated ), and we see an professional that has training dealing with the endocrine system as it is like a Rubik-Cube, you can solve it and you can really mess things up!
In conjunction with the endocrine system evaluation, she needs to be seen by a mental health professional to determine if she is suffering from any sort of depression or other such condition.
Finally, I would encourage some honest marriage counseling. Contact the diocese where you live and get a list of councilors that follow good Catholic doctrine - you don’t need one of these “New Age” lets add a third party to the mix to spice things up type
Personal experience:
-When my wife and I were first married, well, Rabbits were jealous
-Then several years down the road, things dropped off… very frustrating.
Also my wife simply didn’t seem to have any energy for anything really.
-She went in for an unrelated issue, sinus infection if I remember correctly, and the doctor looking at her, along with the lack of “energy” and thought something else was up, and ordered a simple blood test for TSH/T3/T4 levels - these are the thyroid hormones.
-This test came back as abnormal for all of these…
-It was a long time getting things under control and the GP wasn’t able to get a handle on so we were sent to an Endocrinologist. During this time, while the Endocrinologist worked their magic, my wife has been under treatment for depression. Part of it is caused by the hypothyroid condition and part is that she is simply depressed.
Pray
Offer it up
etc…
As our suffering can be used by God for the good of His creation
here we are in Lent, we’re supposed to reflecting upon our sins
we’re supposed to be reflecting on the temptations faced by Christ
we’re supposed to be reflecting upon how we evangelize the world
:bighanky: I am so very sad to see some the responses here today :bighanky:
While most of these posts offer only:
Pray
Offer it up
Deal with it
and these are all well within what we as Christians, and especially as Catholic Christians, must do when such a cross is given us to carry;
however,
no one has even thought about a medical condition! (well unless I cross post with someone
)There could be something very seriously, medically, wrong with her!
Your wife needs to go see a doctor (*) to make sure that her endocrine system is working properly. She could be hypo or hyper thyroidic, she could have low testosterone (Yes, Women can have a low testosterone level), her progesterone could be off… oh my, just so many things that can go wrong with this system.
(*) She needs to see an Endocrinologist - as much as we love our general practitioner, we take our children to pediatrician, we see a dentist for our teeth, and my Wife and girls see an OB/GYN for well, the female parts (to keep this G-Rated
), and we see an professional that has training dealing with the endocrine system as it is like a Rubik-Cube, you can solve it and you can really mess things up!In conjunction with the endocrine system evaluation, she needs to be seen by a mental health professional to determine if she is suffering from any sort of depression or other such condition.
Finally, I would encourage some honest marriage counseling. Contact the diocese where you live and get a list of councilors that follow good Catholic doctrine - you don’t need one of these “New Age” lets add a third party to the mix to spice things up type
Personal experience:
-When my wife and I were first married, well, Rabbits were jealous
-Then several years down the road, things dropped off… very frustrating.
Also my wife simply didn’t seem to have any energy for anything really.
-She went in for an unrelated issue, sinus infection if I remember correctly, and the doctor looking at her, along with the lack of “energy” and thought something else was up, and ordered a simple blood test for TSH/T3/T4 levels - these are the thyroid hormones.
-This test came back as abnormal for all of these…
-It was a long time getting things under control and the GP wasn’t able to get a handle on so we were sent to an Endocrinologist. During this time, while the Endocrinologist worked their magic, my wife has been under treatment for depression. Part of it is caused by the hypothyroid condition and part is that she is simply depressed.
- Now I won’t (can’t) tell you things are back to where they were some 20+ years ago. Frankly, we now have 4 children (something the Endocrinologist helped us with by treating the HT condition and our OB/GYN has training from Pope Paul VI institute to help support) and we’re just simply a little older; however, she’s at least interested in the marital act enough that we have to be open to new children and we use NFP.
- All of this, because, a GP, saw my wife for a series of sinus infections. In the 20/20 of hindsight, we should have seen this, as all of the symptoms were there, and have had her tested and treatment started years if not a decade sooner - we suffered when we didn’t need to.
- BTW: Don’t expect an overnight cure. It has taken us four doctors and 10 years to get as far as we are… and we had to learn a lot about how the endocrine system worked, especially how the thyroid works, and quite often had to insist on a course of treatment. Thank God for the OB/GYN my wife sees now as he’s on top of the situation and if my wife says she isn’t feeling right, the blood tests are ordered, the meds adjusted and within a few weeks things get back to “normal.” 10 years of up and down, 4 doctors, I pray you don’t have to go thru that too.
Pray
Offer it up
etc…
As our suffering can be used by God for the good of His creation
P
pianistclare
Guest
Despite all the unintentionally hilarious and or uncharitable advice, know that you are in my prayers. The best advice is to the talk to the priest. Really. They’ve heard it all before, and they are trained to offer advice.
God bless.
God bless.
Z
z_0101
Guest
:bighanky: I am so very sad to see some the responses here today :bighanky:
This situation is difficult enough for OP without insulting posts.
and if she’s not willing, then it is rape, it is assult, and it is, objectively, a mortal sin.
This situation is difficult enough for OP without insulting posts.
L
Luminous7
Guest
Maybe you said or did something to **** her off, when it comes to men and woman miscommunications happen easily in this regard. You need to talk to her.
Secondly, and hope this wont’ fall in the bad advice category, but the way you talk about sex and can’t seem to live without it makes it sound like you are way over stimulated, so tone down the imagination and don’t second look at someone dressed immodestly and also turn off the porn - stuff that is like heroine the more you use the more you want.
Remember there are lots of people living chaste celibate lives, and don’t make sex sound like it’s food or water that you will die without.
Besides, most married couples even after a couple years rarely have sex cause the novelty wears off like anything else, that’s why I think there is something not adding up here or your not telling us the whole story.
Secondly, and hope this wont’ fall in the bad advice category, but the way you talk about sex and can’t seem to live without it makes it sound like you are way over stimulated, so tone down the imagination and don’t second look at someone dressed immodestly and also turn off the porn - stuff that is like heroine the more you use the more you want.
Remember there are lots of people living chaste celibate lives, and don’t make sex sound like it’s food or water that you will die without.
Besides, most married couples even after a couple years rarely have sex cause the novelty wears off like anything else, that’s why I think there is something not adding up here or your not telling us the whole story.
H
HoneyBea
Guest
Well duh. No one is advocating rape, but thank you for defining rape just in case.
And I wasn’t being insulting. Some woman like myself enjoy that. I was just offering proactive advice since the OP asked. It’s up to the OP to accept it or not. Different strokes for different folks : )
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Neal76
Guest
You might be speaking for yourself only here.
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mega1
Guest
Even though some of these responses have been cold hearted… I see a message here. And it leaves me with more questions.
I am a woman and found it hard to get my husband to have sex with me for many years. I eventually just stopped trying. He said in therapy that he wanted it, but he didn’t want to bother me or stress me out. Is that true for you? Do you avoid telling her this info? You should consider talking to her plainly and clearly.
I did and it didn’t really change things for long. But it did initially.
But here is my question … Are marriages valid when there is no intimacy?
I absolutely agree that this will often lead to people wanting to cheat. It happened to me too.
So it’s a very difficult situation… No sex in your marriage will lead some to sin. So, are we supposed to stay in it? If the spouse does not change?
I am a woman and found it hard to get my husband to have sex with me for many years. I eventually just stopped trying. He said in therapy that he wanted it, but he didn’t want to bother me or stress me out. Is that true for you? Do you avoid telling her this info? You should consider talking to her plainly and clearly.
I did and it didn’t really change things for long. But it did initially.
But here is my question … Are marriages valid when there is no intimacy?
I absolutely agree that this will often lead to people wanting to cheat. It happened to me too.
So it’s a very difficult situation… No sex in your marriage will lead some to sin. So, are we supposed to stay in it? If the spouse does not change?
T
TK421
Guest
The wickedness of a person is not a grounds for annulment, which, if your spouse has no valid reason to perpetually deny you, is what that is. If the spouse had unclear intentions towards openness to children or intimacy, that could be, since it is quintessential to the marriage vocation. St. Aquinas reflected that even Joseph the Just and the Blessed Virgin would have implicitly agreed to this, but underwent mutually understood and accepted perpetual continence upon further revelation and reflection.
The hard cross is that if your husband/wife seems to have as much ardor as a monk with stage 3 leukemia, the best recourse is to flee to God in prayer and change your lifestyle so that your passions are mitigated as much as possible. Semi-incompetent 21st century pop culture believes that if you don’t have sex, you’ll “explode”. The reality is that sex works the opposite of hunger. The more you mortify yourself, the greater mastery you gain.
Since it has not been mentioned yet, I would recommend growing a short, well-trimmed beard, buying a Gothic battle axe, and drinking ox milk at the dinner table. Your unexpected and dramatic increase of masculinity will cause gratuitous quantities of hormones to be released in your wife that will take control of her brain and cause her to have insatiable enormous desire for you. Then, 10 years from now, you’ll be on here lamenting about financial problems with your large family.
The hard cross is that if your husband/wife seems to have as much ardor as a monk with stage 3 leukemia, the best recourse is to flee to God in prayer and change your lifestyle so that your passions are mitigated as much as possible. Semi-incompetent 21st century pop culture believes that if you don’t have sex, you’ll “explode”. The reality is that sex works the opposite of hunger. The more you mortify yourself, the greater mastery you gain.
Since it has not been mentioned yet, I would recommend growing a short, well-trimmed beard, buying a Gothic battle axe, and drinking ox milk at the dinner table. Your unexpected and dramatic increase of masculinity will cause gratuitous quantities of hormones to be released in your wife that will take control of her brain and cause her to have insatiable enormous desire for you. Then, 10 years from now, you’ll be on here lamenting about financial problems with your large family.
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firead
Guest
Is sex the only thing that’s changed with her & your relationship, or other things as well?
Does she still want to spend time together, be physically close without sex, etc?
Does she seems happy and is she keeping up with things like work, housework, etc?
Do you have small children?
Any recent lifestyle changes?
A lot of things can effect a woman’s libido. Sometimes it’s something physical like hormones, low thyroid or vitamin D, or a condition like depression. Other times it’s a change in the relationship, maybe even something small that you wouldn’t have noticed, that makes her feel resentful or insecure. For many women, being tired or stressed out absolutely kills sex drive, or leaves us too distracted to really get into it. To change things, you both need to get to the bottom of what’s causing the problem, or even why she doesn’t feel like it’s a problem, so counseling may be worth a try once physical/hormonal things have been ruled out or addresses.
Does she still want to spend time together, be physically close without sex, etc?
Does she seems happy and is she keeping up with things like work, housework, etc?
Do you have small children?
Any recent lifestyle changes?
A lot of things can effect a woman’s libido. Sometimes it’s something physical like hormones, low thyroid or vitamin D, or a condition like depression. Other times it’s a change in the relationship, maybe even something small that you wouldn’t have noticed, that makes her feel resentful or insecure. For many women, being tired or stressed out absolutely kills sex drive, or leaves us too distracted to really get into it. To change things, you both need to get to the bottom of what’s causing the problem, or even why she doesn’t feel like it’s a problem, so counseling may be worth a try once physical/hormonal things have been ruled out or addresses.
M
Mandychu22
Guest
This sounds like exactly the opposite of what you should do if you want to resolve this issue. Marriage isn’t a war, it’s a relationship, and ‘teaching her a lesson’ is what you do in middle school not in a marriage.
OP, try talking to her and seeing what’s going on, or if that doesn’t work just talking to her about anything. I’ve had periods of time where my husband was doing way more than me due to his work schedule, and as a result my emotional needs were not being met. I wasn’t ‘in the mood’ because it felt as though I was being ignored, even though that wasn’t true or detectable by him. He felt as though I wasn’t meeting his needs, and couldn’t see why I would be upset with him because of all the extra things he was doing. The truth was that, in trying to help me by handling things all he did was take away from our time together. Telling me that he was busy doing X or Y would have only made me feel as though he thought sex could be bought, not a great thing to inadvertently tell your wife.
Sometimes a few minutes of good conversation and discussion is worth the same as a few loads of laundry being done, or a few hours of yard work. For most women emotional needs are linked to sexual activity and desire, and if those needs aren’t being met that they aren’t going to have any desire for sex. If the only social interaction between a couple is requests/demands for sex she could be worrying that her husband doesn’t value her as a person, and only cares about having his sexual needs met while disregarding her emotional ones. It might not be his intent, but…
just my $0,02.
S
SummitJim
Guest
This is clearly a difficult subject, and a hot one for many people, witness the number of uncharitable comments, which is rare on this forum.
Now my two cents. Don’t overlook a possible medical problem with the wife. I’m 70 years old, wife is 69. About 10 years ago she started losing interest, but out of her caring for me she would cooperate when properly approached. Now we have not had sex for 5 years, though I am still very much interested. I can relate to the temptations that apply here, but do remember the promises of for better or for worse. Hopefully you meant that vow as I did.
My wife has developed a medical condition which makes sex unlikely. She is reluctant to see her doctor about it because she thinks there will be no improvement anyway, and is embarrassed to talk about it . I’ve tried convincing her that she should let the doctor determine that. Meanwhile she suffers from her condition, totally aside from the issue of sex. I think my (caring, not nagging) reminders to her may get her to finally agree to a visit to the doc.
My point here is that, as good as the advice to see the priest is, there may be a hidden medical issue that the OP’s wife is reluctant to discuss and her (seemingly) uncaring response to him may be just how she is dealing with it. A serious chat with her doctor may help.
Now my two cents. Don’t overlook a possible medical problem with the wife. I’m 70 years old, wife is 69. About 10 years ago she started losing interest, but out of her caring for me she would cooperate when properly approached. Now we have not had sex for 5 years, though I am still very much interested. I can relate to the temptations that apply here, but do remember the promises of for better or for worse. Hopefully you meant that vow as I did.
My wife has developed a medical condition which makes sex unlikely. She is reluctant to see her doctor about it because she thinks there will be no improvement anyway, and is embarrassed to talk about it . I’ve tried convincing her that she should let the doctor determine that. Meanwhile she suffers from her condition, totally aside from the issue of sex. I think my (caring, not nagging) reminders to her may get her to finally agree to a visit to the doc.
My point here is that, as good as the advice to see the priest is, there may be a hidden medical issue that the OP’s wife is reluctant to discuss and her (seemingly) uncaring response to him may be just how she is dealing with it. A serious chat with her doctor may help.
F
ffg
Guest
Isn’t life interesting with all the ups and downs?
I think if you asked my wife anytime over our whole marriage, how many times she was actually interested in starting the act, she might say she could count them on one hand. Then, might shrug and say the truth is none.
It’s been almost 15 years.
Perhaps instead of looking at the work you are doing around the house as the trigger, re-live some of the things that you did together before the big grind of life.
We started playing board games again, which we did often 15years ago. I also dumped the tv subscription, trying to spend more focused time with the people under my roof.
The last month has been much more full of the subject here than the previous 10 combined.
I think if you asked my wife anytime over our whole marriage, how many times she was actually interested in starting the act, she might say she could count them on one hand. Then, might shrug and say the truth is none.
It’s been almost 15 years.
Perhaps instead of looking at the work you are doing around the house as the trigger, re-live some of the things that you did together before the big grind of life.
We started playing board games again, which we did often 15years ago. I also dumped the tv subscription, trying to spend more focused time with the people under my roof.
The last month has been much more full of the subject here than the previous 10 combined.
M
Mandychu22
Guest
C
ClearWater
Guest
There are a lot of reasons why a wife would not be interested in sex. It could be anything from the onset of menopause, to tiredness, to problems within the relationship and more.
If there are problems in the relationship outside the bedroom, they often find a way of working themselves into the bedroom. Had you tried marital counseling? If she’s not willing to go, you might want to consider going yourself, in the meantime.
There’s Retrovaille, but I am not familiar with it enough to be able to say if it works or not.
A lot of wives also respond best to sort of an indirect approach, sort of like a courtship, …nice music, candlelight, dinner, romance, without the feeling that it always has to lead to sex. Do you sometimes simply hold her hand, or kiss her, caress her, or give her a massage just because you love her, without any other expectations of her at that moment?
You might just call each other for the heck of it, write love notes, give gifts for no reason.
If touch always has to lead to sex, over the long haul, that can be a turn off to a woman.
Oh…one more thing that could be tried is a sensate focus. If she honestly can’t feel much sexually, that can sometimes help jump start things. It’s almost like rebooting a computer. It seems to work almost like reverse psychology.
In Spanish they use the word “conquistar”…“win over” both in love and in war. Win her heart back, and you’ll have the rest of her.
If there are problems in the relationship outside the bedroom, they often find a way of working themselves into the bedroom. Had you tried marital counseling? If she’s not willing to go, you might want to consider going yourself, in the meantime.
There’s Retrovaille, but I am not familiar with it enough to be able to say if it works or not.
A lot of wives also respond best to sort of an indirect approach, sort of like a courtship, …nice music, candlelight, dinner, romance, without the feeling that it always has to lead to sex. Do you sometimes simply hold her hand, or kiss her, caress her, or give her a massage just because you love her, without any other expectations of her at that moment?
You might just call each other for the heck of it, write love notes, give gifts for no reason.
If touch always has to lead to sex, over the long haul, that can be a turn off to a woman.
Oh…one more thing that could be tried is a sensate focus. If she honestly can’t feel much sexually, that can sometimes help jump start things. It’s almost like rebooting a computer. It seems to work almost like reverse psychology.
In Spanish they use the word “conquistar”…“win over” both in love and in war. Win her heart back, and you’ll have the rest of her.
C
ClearWater
Guest
It sounds like the joy has gone out of your sex life. It sounds like you’re the only one having any fun there, and that’s not fair. Why not try to make it a “win-win” situation?
Do you really want your wife to view sex as a chore? If not, then try to find out again what she wants, likes, and needs.
Well, to some women, it can also feel like men are interested in sex sort of for selfish reasons, that they only care about their own pleasure, don’t care, aren’t interested if their wives are having any fun or not. So, my view, take it or leave it, is to put the goal as making your wife happy, sexually, first, not yourself. Try to find ways to please her.
Once you achieve that, she might want to have sex, and she might willingly give you what you want.
Ask what she likes, and then do that to the letter. Do you know what she likes in intimacy? If not, find out.
She has probably already told you what needs to be done. Actively listen.
Also, don’t let things get stuck in a rut. When people are dating, they go out to the movies, the fair, events, to the park, for walks, dinners. There are candies, flowers. People get married, and that’s usually the end of that. However, it doesn’t have to be.
Continue to do cool new things, different, interesting, together.
Do you share any common interests? hobbies? Can you go for long walks together in nature, say?
Anyway, good luck with whatever you decide to try.
Do you really want your wife to view sex as a chore? If not, then try to find out again what she wants, likes, and needs.
Well, to some women, it can also feel like men are interested in sex sort of for selfish reasons, that they only care about their own pleasure, don’t care, aren’t interested if their wives are having any fun or not. So, my view, take it or leave it, is to put the goal as making your wife happy, sexually, first, not yourself. Try to find ways to please her.
Once you achieve that, she might want to have sex, and she might willingly give you what you want.
Ask what she likes, and then do that to the letter. Do you know what she likes in intimacy? If not, find out.
She has probably already told you what needs to be done. Actively listen.
Also, don’t let things get stuck in a rut. When people are dating, they go out to the movies, the fair, events, to the park, for walks, dinners. There are candies, flowers. People get married, and that’s usually the end of that. However, it doesn’t have to be.
Continue to do cool new things, different, interesting, together.
Do you share any common interests? hobbies? Can you go for long walks together in nature, say?
Anyway, good luck with whatever you decide to try.
H
Hoosier_Daddy
Guest
It is amazing the differences on these boards when a woman “vents” frustrations and when a man does. The answers and attitudes are very very different.
C
Catolico65
Guest
The OP’s problem has become commonplace unfortunately mostly to the diabolic women’s empowerment movement that rejects the roles God has created for us.
Q
Qaletaqa
Guest
i was merely saying that he should not be selfish concerning his wife im sure there are reasons about why she doesnt want sex with him, something people dont always write what they should then 50 posts later you get the fuller picture
- Status