Sex while engaged?

[Melissa_Laurita]

My sister has just gotten engaged. She is 18, her fiance 20. They don’t plan on getting married for another five years however. She is a virgin, as is her fiance, and she asked me if it was okay to have sex when your engaged. Is it? I mean, I lost my virginity to my husband when we were engaged, but I’m still not sure if it’s right.

 

[exoflare]

Seriously? Of course it’s not okay.

 

[thewanderer]

No, it is not ok. I know it can seem as though the line is blurred in this case, because of the level of commitment involved already, but the problem is that the dignity of each person demands that they are respected enough to not engage in sex without an unconditional comitment of self to other.

Think of it this way, do you think it is appropriate for a boy and girl to kiss on the lips, hold hands etc before they make are in an exclusive relationship? I mean, they might feel like behaving this way, but is it really appropriate? You know it really isn’t and to help make that clear imagine if a guy was going around kissing two different girls at the same time, that just isn’t right. Imagine you are one of those girls he has been kissing and then you discover that the relationship is not exclusive, wouldn’t you feel betrayed? That is because these actions are a physical manifestation of a certain kind of relationship and so are only appropriate within the context of that relationship. In the same way sex is a physical manifestation of the complete and unconditional giving of self to other and so is only appropriate within the context of an explicit unconditional commitment to the other.

I know it can be hard and seem unreasonable when two people are ready to make that unconditional commitment but are forced to delay because they have a specific date set up for a wedding, but the plain fact is that until they make that marriage commitment to each other their relationship is not an appropriate context for such a complete gift of self as sexual giving.

 

[Kit15]

Morality aside…I’ve come across even secular people who think that doing anything reserved for marriage before marriage is a bad idea. Until you say those vows you are not married. Do not assume if you are. It sounds kinda cold but my husband and I never assumed our wedding was a garuenteed thing. If we had sex with each other or lived with each other it would make things all the more difficult if one if us decided that the marriage was a bad idea. Time and money spent make it such a difficult decision already.

It’s such a big life changing thing…keep your exit door as wide open as possible in case you ever need it.

Edit: Just to clarify yes I was aware as I was writing this that it’s your sister and not you yourself with the question.

 

[Irishmom2]

Now, you must know it is not alright or why would you be asking?

Five years is a long time to be engaged, by the way… especially at her age.

Please have your sister look at the Chastity link at the top of the page. Or get her some books by Jason Evert. He is a wonderful resource for teens, which your sister still is.

 

[michaelmas]

I remember a confession I had when I was engaged or dating my future wife. The priest told me to “work on the cake, no matter how good the frosting is (sex) if the cake isn’t any good (relationship) it won’t last”.

One of the best pieces of advice I had been given in confession. Remind your sis to work on the cake and wait for the frosting.

 

[Richard320]

I remember a confession I had when I was engaged or dating my future wife. The priest told me to “work on the cake, no matter how good the frosting is (sex) if the cake isn’t any good (relationship) it won’t last”.

One of the best pieces of advice I had been given in confession. Remind your sis to work on the cake and wait for the frosting.

Excellent Advice!

From sad experience I can say that doomed relationships drag on far too long if sex is involved. It’s easy to break it off if there’s no physical attachment.

 

[Allegra]

It is absolutely not right and definately not a good idea. Also, a five year engagement is rediculous and I would not recommend that anyone agree to it. There is a 99.999999% change that a marriage will never occur. Particularly since your sister is asking if sex is okay during an engagement, it sounds like a “playing house” situation in the making. I would recommend that you tell your sister that she is entirely to young to be getting engaged and that she should contiue seeing the young man in a way that is appropriate for her age and concentrate on her studies.

 

[Delaine75]

It’s wrong even though they’re engaged. They are not married. They shouldn’t think it’s acceptable to do outside of marriage what should be reserved only for marriage.

 

[Lancer]

Lets say your just bought a 2013 BMW…financed it…and in 5 yrs you will have it paid off and it will be yours. Would you abuse it for 5 yrs and then when you own it…take tender care of it? Think tender care after 5 yrs of abuse will have any impact on its longevity…think you might get tired of it and get rid of it in year 6?..year 7?..its really beat up and not really fun anymore…and there is always a new one on the lot calling to you …“try me”…“buy me”!

Follow the “Builder’s” guidance…you won’t regret it…He made it…think he knows what is best?

Pax Christi

 

[Regina_Love]

Lets say your just bought a 2013 BMW…financed it…and in 5 yrs you will have it paid off and it will be yours. Would you abuse it for 5 yrs and then when you own it…take tender care of it? Think tender care after 5 yrs of abuse will have any impact on its longevity…think you might get tired of it and get rid of it in year 6?..year 7?..its really beat up and not really fun anymore…and there is always a new one on the lot calling to you …“try me”…“buy me”!

Follow the “Builder’s” guidance…you won’t regret it…He made it…think he knows what is best?

Pax Christi

Well said Lancer!

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Lets say your just bought a 2013 BMW…financed it…and in 5 yrs you will have it paid off and it will be yours. Would you abuse it for 5 yrs and then when you own it…take tender care of it? Think tender care after 5 yrs of abuse will have any impact on its longevity…think you might get tired of it and get rid of it in year 6?..year 7?..its really beat up and not really fun anymore…and there is always a new one on the lot calling to you …“try me”…“buy me”!

Follow the “Builder’s” guidance…you won’t regret it…He made it…think he knows what is best?

Pax Christi

Um, not that I’m encouraging premarital sex but with that logic wouldn’t you grow tired of your spouse after 6 or 7 years?

 

[ahollars]

Um, not that I’m encouraging premarital sex but with that logic wouldn’t you grow tired of your spouse after 6 or 7 years?

No, not if you understand car maintenance. I have owned some vehicles for more than 10 years, because I took care of them the way your supposed to. If you take care of your spouse the way your supposed to, there’s nothing down the road to worry about. BTW, I am not so fickle and superficial as to need a “test drive” when I’m buying a vehicle. That is a waste of time if you’re buying a car for the right reasons. Same thing with marriage.

 

[Regina_Love]

Sex before marriage is just using! It’s just masterbation. It’s just prostitution. It leads to broken hearts, std’s, and abortion. **Prostitution is not the foundation of life long marriage! **

Love requires sacrafice & commitment. The engagement period is a discernment time. Not engaging in sexual activity allows them to think more clearly, and to evaluate more honestly the aspecs of the relationship. The self control you exercise in the courtship period is in direct relationship to how successful the marriage will be. Now is the time to see if your partner has the ability to forsake all others, including you! It is precisely this sexual self control which is necessary in life long marriage. It shows they have the ability to be faithful, when your fat, grumpy, old…

If you love some one, you would never risk their soul going to hell for all eternity! God has stated numerous times in the bible, fornicators will not inherit heaven. It’s also the 6th commandment. NOT the 6th good suggestion, or plausable idea. YO - It’s a command!

I would not recommend an engagement longer than a year. Sexual temptation is too powerful of a draw. The more familiar they become, the more time they spend together, the more intimate they will become. It’s human nature. Sex before marriage increases the likely hood of divorce by about 50%. (80% if they shack up.)

In chaste courtship each grows in love for the other by demonstrating, self control, and putting what is good for their partner before their own desires. Since they aren’t engaging in sex they will talk a great deal, getting to truely know each other. They will engage in more activities, and demonstrate much more respect for the other, which is the foundation of life long love. Catholic couples who live what the Church teaches, and use Natural Family Planning have a less than 3% divorce rate!

 

[cschuck320]

According to the Church, sex is never okay unless it’s within a valid marriage, with no contraceptives, and the couple is open to have children.

I’m assuming she’s waiting until she’s out of college? Five years is a long time to wait to get married.

 

[Regina_Love]

Um, not that I’m encouraging premarital sex but with that logic wouldn’t you grow tired of your spouse after 6 or 7 years?

No, because in marriage, you would have cherished, pampered, and upgraded the car, so it’s a classic! Highly valuable. Cruise on!

 

[PaulfromIowa]

A five year engagement is silly. Engagement is a commitment. If they feel too young and immature to be married, which is likely the case, then they are also too young to be engaged.

I am not accusing your sister of this, but too many people today view “engagement” as an excuse to have sex, live together, and cheapen each other, rather than as a preparation for a Christian marriage. They view engagement, as well as marriage itself, as license without a real commitment.

 

[Allegra]

Um, not that I’m encouraging premarital sex but with that logic wouldn’t you grow tired of your spouse after 6 or 7 years?

That is exactly why I don’t agree with comparing the precious gift of human sexuality with cows, cars, or cake. There is no animal or inanimate object that is remotely analagous to the bond of sacramental marriage. Such a relationship is so unique that the only thing that it can realistically be compared to is Christ’s relationship with His Church.

 

[Kelfa28]

That is exactly why I don’t agree with comparing the precious gift of human sexuality with cows, cars, or cake. There is no animal or inanimate object that is remotely analagous to the bond of sacramental marriage. Such a relationship is so unique that the only thing that it can realistically be compared to is Christ’s relationship with His Church.

Yeah…I’m gonna agree with this.

I’m not a car or some other materialistic item that is comparable. My relationship with my husband is only comparable with my relationship with God.

For the OP…absolutely not! Sex while engaged is not allowed. One is to remain chaste until marriage.

I’d love to see the odds of an 18 and 20 year old waiting 5 years for marriage. Why in the world would you wait that long? If you want to get married and feel prepared and ready for marriage then just get married. If you’re so concerned about it that you have to wait 5 years until that day and try to justify the wait with an “engagement” then you are just not ready for marriage.

 

[underacloud]

There is a temptation for those who are engaged to view the rule against sex outside of marriage as a mere technicality. They will think: “we’re definitely getting married, so it’s not like I’m having sex with someone who isn’t going to be my spouse”.

The problem, and thus a key reason it is wrong, is that not all engagements end in marriage. No one ever thinks that their engagement will fail, but it does happen. I had a failed engagement before I met and married my now wife. I wont go into details (except to say that our physical relationship stopped short of intercourse, thankfully), but I know first hand how one can get caught into this type of thinking, and the subsequent pain of the failed relationship being aggravated by the realisation of great sin and your own body (as well as your heart and mind) adjusting to life without your fiance. On top of that, you have the guilt of your sin also being against another party, your fiance’s future spouse.

So, sex while engaged? Bad idea!