sex within marriage

[Rau]

I think that this is not a judgment call that a husband should make without serious (name removed by moderator)ut from a well-informed priest and a medical and psychological specialist.

The approach you suggest might be devastating in long term effects.

With all due respect to priests, I’m quite unclear what the priest is going to contribute here, other than perhaps to cause the husband to re-think his attitude to his wife. I find the approach proposed for the husband by the other poster to be the height of arrogance - love is not evident in it, nor is any special insight into the appropriate course of action. Imagine “requiring” you wife to do something on the grounds that you know best what she needs!

 

[Xantippe]

With all due respect to priests, **I’m quite unclear what the priest is going to contribute here, other than perhaps to cause the husband to re-think his attitude to his wife. ** I find the approach proposed for the husband by the other poster to be the height of arrogance - love is not evident in it, nor is any special insight into the appropriate course of action. Imagine “requiring” you wife to do something on the grounds that you know best what she needs!

That’s what I had in mind.

 

[Xantippe]

Everything I’ve heard about the treatment of vaginismus suggests that a lot of patience is needed for successful resolution.

tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2016/01/vaginismus-what-i-wish-i-had-known/

 

[Marcus1978]

And where is this “laying down his life” stuff that I keep hearing about, if she is to be made to suffer physically for his sexual gratification?

Ewwww.

When leaders’ motivations are transparently selfish, it destroys their credibility in the eyes of those that they are attempting to lead.

Men’s leadership should be selfless, as with Christ and the Church. So it would be very wrong for a man to order his wife to have sex for his gratification. However it would be correct for him to require her to do so for her own benefit. For instance, a woman who badly wanted a child might benefit from marital relations at a very fertile time, even if it brought her some short term discomfort.

 

[Rau]

Men’s leadership should be selfless, as with Christ and the Church. So it would be very wrong for a man to order his wife to have sex for his gratification. However it would be correct for him to require her to do so for her own benefit. For instance, a woman who badly wanted a child might benefit from marital relations at a very fertile time, even if it brought her some short term discomfort.

And the husband assumes the woman is incapable of seeing that for herself, but he sees more clearly.

 

[Xantippe]

And the husband assumes the woman is incapable of seeing that for herself, but he sees more clearly.

Right.

Marcus1978, believe it or not, the majority of women realizes that there is some discomfort inherent in the female side of the human reproductive process.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Very, very, very well put.

I have a question though, but it is wayyyy off topic though. Your religion is listed as atheist, and you write that “you’re married. You are one.”

How do you come to this conclusion as an atheist?

And I promise I’m not trolling you here. I am just looking for your perspective on how two people become one without God (or some other deity-type force).

I’m happy to answer. I have very serious views on marriage, and always have. When I say “one”, I don’t necessarily mean in the religious or spiritual sense, though I can understand the confusion on a religious site. I was typing from my phone and it was shorthand.

But even from a secular point of view, if you marry someone, every part of your life becomes inextricably tied to theirs. Your finances are joined, you build deep relationships with the other’s family and friends, if your spouse falls seriously ill or gets injured, every aspect of your life changes right along with theirs, and you sacrifice to care for each other’s aging parents. If your spouse is unhappy, chances are, you’ll be unhappy. These are actually all good things, and part of what makes marriage special. Your spouse is not your enemy, they’re your closest ally in getting everyone through life’s ups and downs alive and sane.

There’s something very perverse about someone who gleefully and sadistically claims the right to harm their spouse out of some misguided attempt at establishing “leadership”. The idea that unless your partner is willing to completely relinquish their humanity for your whims, you’ll never fully trust that you’re on the same side is horrifying - and totally misses essence of what marriage is.

I also think that even in the most conservative, religious, gender-role happy communities in the country a young husband would find himself in a world of hurt if his “beloved’s” father or older brother found out about this course of action.

 

[Xantippe]

There’s something very perverse about someone who gleefully and sadistically claims the right to harm their spouse out of some misguided attempt at establishing “leadership”. The idea that unless your partner is willing to completely relinquish their humanity for your whims, you’ll never fully trust that you’re on the same side is horrifying - and totally misses essence of what marriage is.

Right.

There’s so much immaturity, selfishness and arrogance in the idea that he gets to hurt her for her own good.