Sexless Marriage: A Negative?

[Sampson_Brass]

I have been married to my wife for five years.

During that time, we have had very little sex. The problem is not hers: it is mine.

I cannot ejaculate or orgasm. This may be in part due to psychiatric medication I have been taking for years, but this problem may well have pre-dated that, because I had little interest in sex as far as I can remember since puberty, and what sexual feelings I did have, I thought needed to be suppressed as sinful.

In fact, I find the act so uninteresting that my sole thought during intercourse is to get my wife off because I know I can’t, and it is physically tedious. I find any other sexual acts repugnant, to the point that I retched the first (and only) time I touched my wife’s genitals.

We have tried a sex therapist but the therapist seemed at a loss to deal with my particular issues. I am undergoing hormone therapy as well.

Needless to say, it is making her unhappy. Yet I never saw any of this as a problem (and in some ways, a blessing) until I was married. And if she didn’t see it as a problem, neither would I.

I understand my obligation to render the marriage debt. I am undergoing this treatment and therapy so that I can do so. I am not seeking pleasure out of sex for myself, and have written off her marriage debt to me. If, as a result of this treatment, I achieve desire and/or the ability to ejaculate and orgasm, I will deal with that.

I have been reading some blogs and books about Catholic marriage and sex, and found myself disturbed by the presentation of certain acts (oral stimulation, using sex toys, NFP, etc,) as being presented as morally licit within marriage, even in this forum. Somehow this seems to me to be making a “Catholic” accommodation to our sexually obsessed culture when Catholics should be striving against it, at home and in the wider world.

At bottom, I understand intellectually the need for sex in marriage. I have great difficulty with the idea that a sexless marriage might be, in itself, sinful or a near occasion of sin.

What am I missing here?

 

[SuperLuigi]

It’s good that you are getting therapy for this.

As far as reading “Catholic” blogs on-line, be careful! A lot of what sounds and looks good on-line may not be accurate in Church teaching.

Oral sex and other sexual techniques are allowed within a valid marriage provided the male has the intention* to ejaculate in the female. Christopher West has discussed this in Theology of the Body and the appropriate clergy has reviewed the book and found it to be free from doctrinal error. :yup:

Now, if someone is not comfortable with oral sex, that’s another matter and fine as a personal preference, but there is nothing I have seen that would suggest it’s morally wrong so long as it’s not done for ejaculation.

*Please note that a lot of the magnitude of a sin depends on the person’s intention to do harm and the malice involved.

 

[aTraditionalist]

Your situation would be vastly different if you had both entered a Josephine Marriage, but you didn’t and it’s most likely driving her mad. Sex is supposed to unite and produce children (or at least be open to the possibility). Have you talked to a priest?

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[Xantippe]

I have been married to my wife for five years.

During that time, we have had very little sex. The problem is not hers: it is mine.

I cannot ejaculate or orgasm. This may be in part due to psychiatric medication I have been taking for years, but this problem may well have pre-dated that, because I had little interest in sex as far as I can remember since puberty, and what sexual feelings I did have, I thought needed to be suppressed as sinful.

In fact, I find the act so uninteresting that my sole thought during intercourse is to get my wife off because I know I can’t, and it is physically tedious. I find any other sexual acts repugnant, to the point that I retched the first (and only) time I touched my wife’s genitals.

We have tried a sex therapist but the therapist seemed at a loss to deal with my particular issues. I am undergoing hormone therapy as well.

Needless to say, it is making her unhappy. Yet I never saw any of this as a problem (and in some ways, a blessing) until I was married. And if she didn’t see it as a problem, neither would I.

I understand my obligation to render the marriage debt. I am undergoing this treatment and therapy so that I can do so. I am not seeking pleasure out of sex for myself, and have written off her marriage debt to me. If, as a result of this treatment, I achieve desire and/or the ability to ejaculate and orgasm, I will deal with that.

I have been reading some blogs and books about Catholic marriage and sex, and found myself disturbed by the presentation of certain acts (oral stimulation, using sex toys, NFP, etc,) as being presented as morally licit within marriage, even in this forum. Somehow this seems to me to be making a “Catholic” accommodation to our sexually obsessed culture when Catholics should be striving against it, at home and in the wider world.

At bottom, I understand intellectually the need for sex in marriage. I have great difficulty with the idea that a sexless marriage might be, in itself, sinful or a near occasion of sin.

What am I missing here?

1. If your wife doesn’t like it, there is a problem and it might indeed endanger her chastity.
2. Your personal situation is so unusual that your intuitions on what is and isn’t normal sexuality for the Catholic world at large are not going to be very helpful to you or to others.
3. Yes, there’s a fairly broad range of legitimate marital sexual activity for Catholics.
4. Have you seen a urologist or other medical specialist?

Best wishes!

 

[Sampson_Brass]

1. • If your wife doesn’t like it, there is a problem and it might indeed endanger her chastity.*

She certainly doesn’t like it. But I didn’t like the fact that I gave in to her demands for sex before marriage, and to move in a few months beforehand, even if at the time I was dealing with improperly treated mental illness (leading to an involuntarily hospitalization following a suicide attempt). I did so because I feared losing her. And I have never forgiven myself, nor sought forgiveness, for having given in. What I did was wrong, and unforgivable.

**2. Your personal situation is so unusual that your intuitions on what is and isn’t normal sexuality for the Catholic world at large are not going to be very helpful to you or to others.
**

Have you got that right! My wife found it strange when my own family was surprised that I was getting engaged because they never expected me to marry.

The reason for this is that I kept all mention of any involvement with women a secret from my family members until I met my wife. Having seen my mother’s hysterical and father’s angry reactions to my sisters’ involvement with men they didn’t approve of, I did not want to be a source of such stress and tension. I also did not like the good-natured teasing that went along with the men who they did approve of–and whom they later married. I usually responded to any teasing and joshings directed my way with rage and shouting for the attack on my dignity.

Worse, I did practice family law for several years. What I saw, in my view, was the horrible personal consequences of the pursuit of sex and romantic love gone wrong. And I felt like I was violating my conscience for engaging in that practice at all.

**3. Yes, there’s a fairly broad range of legitimate marital sexual activity for Catholics.
**

On what moral grounds, if the act must always be open to life? Oddly, my wife has never insisted on barrier methods of contraception or used contraception herself. But she has expressed no interest in NFP. And frankly, I am not comfortable with that degree of knowledge in that area. It’s difficult enough to discuss this particular problem so graphically. Moreover, as my wife is nine years older than I am and nearing menopause, combined with my own condition, the likelihood of having children would be next to nil.

4. Have you seen a urologist or other medical specialist?

I’ve run the gamut; psychiatrists, sex therapists, urologists, and now an endocrinologist. All of this might–somehow–address the underlying physical cause. But not the psychological and spiritual causes and implications.

Best wishes!

 

[Xantippe]

1. What you have done is not unforgivable. Talk to your priest.
2. “On what moral grounds, if the act must always be open to life?”

There are lots of perfectly moral options for intercourse that are open to life (The Joy of Sex offers a lot of acceptable options). And as long as there is actual intercourse happening, it’s fine to engage in caressing and foreplay. It’s like having a glass of wine with dinner. You wouldn’t live on just red wine, but dinner is much nicer with the glass of wine. (Not a drinker myself, but I believe the analogy works.)

“Oddly, my wife has never insisted on barrier methods of contraception or used contraception herself. But she has expressed no interest in NFP. And frankly, I am not comfortable with that degree of knowledge in that area. It’s difficult enough to discuss this particular problem so graphically. Moreover, as my wife is nine years older than I am and nearing menopause, combined with my own condition, the likelihood of having children would be next to nil.”

I wouldn’t count on that.

Be prepared for the fact that you may become a father. It’s a long shot, but long shots happen.