Sexless Marriage Confused Lost and In Pain

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ultimatepesmist

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Hello Everyone. This is my first post. Without trying to overwhelm with detail here is my situation:

Over the past 5 years sex in our marriage has gone from little to none. All emotional intimacy from my wife has ceased. No matter what I have tried she refuses to meet me at any level. On top of this she has repeatedly told me her body is hers and that if I have a need to masturbate, get a girlfriend or see a prostitute instead of make love with her. She has said many hateful things to me when I have tried to very gently engage her in any kind of dialog concerning trying to get closer to her or trying to make our bond stronger in any way. She has told me she hates sex. We never spend any time together and her whole life resolves around taking care of our three boys and Facebook. She actively plans against our relationship or trying in anyway to make it a priority.

At the same time over the past 3 years she has gotten on Facebook and now all conversation between us has ceased and taken over by two “close” male friends. Whenever I try to tell her these actions are hurting our marriage by transferring the emotional connection elsewhere she says that I am controlling and refuses to consider my feelings or reaction in any way except to make it worse.

Recently she has told me she doesn’t love me and stays only for the kids. She has also threatened divorce many many times.

I FEEL LIKE THIS IS BOTH PHYSICAL AND MENTAL ABUSE. It is affecting my mental and physical health and well being, sense of value, and self esteem. Everyday I feel extremely depressed. I only got to know my wife’s views on these matters after 20 years of interacting with her. It is clear now that she had no intention of regular or any sex or emotional intimacy - I feel like I have been tricked. She has unilaterally shut me down without allowing any dialog or further discussion. I have moved to a separate bedroom. We only talk about the kids and nothing else. She pushes all talk, touching, and sharing efforts from me away.

I am Catholic - she is not. She refuses to go to church or to help work on the boy’s Christan upbringing. She also tells them there is no God and she doesn’t believe.

Didn’t God create us to be with a mate to cherish and love? I NEED THAT to function normally. Without it am devastated. Living like this isn’t a life - it is torture. And why? My wife could easily reach out and make things 1,000 times better between us.

I don’t want to divorce and struggle with what to do daily. I do think about divorce for my sanity and well being though as she doesn’t care about our relationship.

She refuses all chances to see a third party or try to improve the relationship. She has closed up and refuses to answer any of my attempts to improve things.

I don’t know what to do but this is definately a life of suffering at least for the past 5 years of trying to be patient and understanding. I can’t take this abuse any longer. Can I divorce? What should I do?
 
If she never intended to be a true wife to you, you have grounds for an annulment. You need to talk to your priest about your situation. And if you do divorce would she agree to you getting custody of the kids? That’s an important consideration in all this. Please talk to your priest to see what he recommends/can do for you. You and your family have my prayers. :console: :crossrc:
 
Can you somehow convince her to go to a counselor or look into Retrouvaille?

What about on your end? Marriage issues are rarely one sided. Is there anything you can think of to improve on yourself?

I’m in a similar situation with my husband. He’s going to counselor and will try retrouvaille but isn’t optimistic and says he doesn’t love or want me. I know where you’re coming from and it hurts. Maybe talk to your pastor alone if she won’t go.
 
ultimatepessmist said:

" I only got to know my wife’s views on these matters after 20 years of interacting with her. It is clear now that she had no intention of regular or any sex or emotional intimacy - I feel like I have been tricked."

How long have you been married of the 20 years you’ve known her? If it is longer than the 5 years that you’ve had trouble (and you do have three kids), I don’t think it is likely that she has always felt this way. A lot of women have the libidinal pilot light just go out, and when that happens, sex just sounds disgusting and unpleasant. Also, depression is a possibility.

What she is doing is not making her happy.

I suggest reading more or less this whole site:

juliagrey.wordpress.com/introduction/

It’s called “Why Your Wife Won’t Have Sex With You.”
 
I can only suggest your speak to your Priest. As another poster mentioned you may have grounds for an annulment. If that seems to be the only way to go you need to check about custody issues. I am sorry that this is hurting you so much. I will pray for your peace and the welfare of your whole family.

I cannot help but think your wife has some hidden problems that just may be coming to the surface. I hope she can get help for this.
 
Unfortunately you are not alone.

I’ve been married for 31+ years. My wife can hardly stand being in the same room with me. We have not had marital relations this century (and for a couple of years or so before the turn of the century).

I can’t even get a hug, or give one, when either of us is in distress. All I ever get is abuse. She is a cradle Catholic and I a convert. My wife hasn’t been to Mass since about 1998(??).

There are a lot of broken or damaged marriages here at CAF. Let’s pray for one another.

Ave Maria …
 
Thank-you everyone for your replies. Just let me say that I am an American living in Asia. My wife is Asian. Let me also say that during these last 2 years I must have read every book and every website pertaining to this Subject. I have spoken with many people and obtained many views. Right now I am very, very confused and can’t think straight.

I have spoken with our priest, a man close to 90 from Italy. He is extremely conservative and traditional. He told me there is no divorce - only separation. He refuses to discuss other alternatives such as annulment and told me I need to be patient.

I do feel that the way my wife treats me is abuse - physical,mental, emotional. She is the one that shut down and has REFUSED repeated attempts at better communication and a better life. I have tried many creative ways. They have all failed. I have been patient with this - 5 YEARS and counting.

I am very worried that if it does come to divorce my wife will RIP me big time. She has already told me she wants to keep our family home and have sole custody of the children. The negotiations have started off very in her favor.

I don’t know why she can’t reach out to me - all I feel from her is hate and anger. I don’t hate her nor am I angry at her. I would do anything immediately if I just knew what it was to turn things around even just a little.

Someone mentioned potential hidden issues. That is something I wonder myself. I have also often wondered if there is a very deep hidden affair in the background that has been concealed from me. All the signs are there - from her coldness and cutting off intimacy and the hate filled things she has said to me over the years.

I just don’t know what to do. Thank-you so much for praying for me. I am filled with deep sadness 24hrs a day. I just don’t know what to do. I feel so stupid and helpless.
 
Thanks. I read and reread the entire site you hyperlinked some time ago. I don’t really know how this will help me or how I can apply any of it though. It’s good for intellectual consideration but really cannot help out practically seeing as my wife is shut down and unresponsive - even hostile to anything coming from me after many repeated attempts.

And yes - married 20 years - things slowly came out to the present date to where I now have a solid understanding that she thinks loving making and being connected deeply to your spouse is not important or a priority. For her its all about the kids. She told me three years ago during our wedding anniversary that “there is no more us - we are living just for the children now” which was a shocker to me. No way would I have signed up for marriage had I known I would be hearing this DURING MY WEDDING ANNIVERSARY. Hearing that was crushing.

I told her that the most important relationship was husband and wife. It was at that point she revealed her true thoughts and told me we had different viewpoints on this. By then it was too late.
Xantippe said:
ultimatepessmist said:

" I only got to know my wife’s views on these matters after 20 years of interacting with her. It is clear now that she had no intention of regular or any sex or emotional intimacy - I feel like I have been tricked."

How long have you been married of the 20 years you’ve known her? If it is longer than the 5 years that you’ve had trouble (and you do have three kids), I don’t think it is likely that she has always felt this way. A lot of women have the libidinal pilot light just go out, and when that happens, sex just sounds disgusting and unpleasant. Also, depression is a possibility.

What she is doing is not making her happy.

I suggest reading more or less this whole site:

juliagrey.wordpress.com/introduction/

It’s called “Why Your Wife Won’t Have Sex With You.”
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My heart and prayers go out to you. We are like twin brothers as our stories are similar, just on different continents.

I am struggling with how to approach my situation, which changed yesterday when I got a phone call from a woman who claims that my wife and her husband have been having an affair for nearly a year.

I can’t offer you more than prayer and hope. Godspeed.

FG
 
Ok my brother. This sucks. I have never been in so much pain in my entire life. I just don’t know what to do. I feel any decision I make is wrong staying, divorcing, ignoring, getting a girlfriend, seperating, staying just for the kids.

I can’t tell you how awful it is to see that person near you everyday - right in front of you - and they have completely shut you out of their life. This is no way to live.

I am 47. I feel like these should be my best years - I worked hard from nothing and built up this marriage, home, chidlren and successful business only to be handed this situation that threatens to unravel my very being.

IT SUCKS!!!
 
ultimatepesmist said:
Thanks. I read and reread the entire site you hyperlinked some time ago. I don’t really know how this will help me or how I can apply any of it though. It’s good for intellectual consideration but really cannot help out practically seeing as my wife is shut down and unresponsive - even hostile to anything coming from me after many repeated attempts.

And yes - married 20 years - things slowly came out to the present date to where I now have a solid understanding that she thinks loving making and being connected deeply to your spouse is not important or a priority. For her its all about the kids. She told me three years ago during our wedding anniversary that “there is no more us - we are living just for the children now” which was a shocker to me. No way would I have signed up for marriage had I known I would be hearing this DURING MY WEDDING ANNIVERSARY. Hearing that was crushing.

I told her that the most important relationship was husband and wife. It was at that point she revealed her true thoughts and told me we had different viewpoints on this. By then it was too late.
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The short, short summary: your wife has definitely lost her attraction to you. As a consequence, she has closed herself off to you. She will in all likelihood revise the history of the relationship to say she was never in love with you, it was all about the children.

The longer version:
First need to rule out physical and psychiatric reasons which could include but are not limited to hormonal changes, weight gain, depression, etc., all leading to loss of libido. Her hanging out on Facebook with two male friends makes me think this may not be the case, but still have to rule this out before moving on.

Absent physical and psychiatric issues on her part, men in this position have to look at their own relationship style: has he been the leader in the home or has he been the supplicator to her? Women are commanded by Paul to respect their husbands, but it’s very difficult for wives to respect husbands who aren’t leaders, do not stand up for themselves, who let her have her way on everything, who really are Nice Guys™, who may have done something really offensive, etc. Has he been someone she can look up to or has he been someone she can push around? Catholic or not, women don’t respect men they can push around. But women are fallen just as men are. When they don’t respect their husbands even though Paul commanded that respect of them, it’s very difficult for them to feel attracted hence it’s difficult for them to have sex if physical issues are not involved. And it’s very easy for them to be attracted to others, to fall into temptation that way, which is what I think is happening with those Facebook friends. Reason I spend time on this is because in most instances, there is very little the husband can say that will influence his wife in a positive direction, instead he must work on the only person he can change: himself, to turn himself into a man she might respect. This is hard work, not every man can do this, no guarantee of success even if he does pull it off, but absent physical and psychiatric issues, that is often the only path back to the marriage bed.

I’ll go out on a limb and recommend the OP read the site Married Man Sex Life and start with the first year of posts. A couple of books available too. Warning the site is run by an atheist, but don’t let that stop you, he is very pro-marriage and he is about getting the men in relationships like this to improve themselves with action plans intended to put themselves in a better place to get that respect and love from their wives. For men on their last lifeline, it’s worth a shot, no guarantee of success if she is too far gone. But be prepared to work on yourself. God bless…
 
If your priest won’t help you, contact the diocese if you wish to start the annulment process. And you have rights, too, although I don’t know how custody is handled in Asia. You need a good lawyer to help you with that. It’s apparent she never intended to be your wife, but just wanted to be a mother. You don’t have to go on living like this. Get help from your diocese and hire a good lawyer, that’s my advice.
 
Zzyzx_Road said:
The short, short summary: your wife has definitely lost her attraction to you. As a consequence, she has closed herself off to you. She will in all likelihood revise the history of the relationship to say she was never in love with you, it was all about the children.

The longer version:
First need to rule out physical and psychiatric reasons which could include but are not limited to hormonal changes, weight gain, depression, etc., all leading to loss of libido. Her hanging out on Facebook with two male friends makes me think this may not be the case, but still have to rule this out before moving on.

Absent physical and psychiatric issues on her part, men in this position have to look at their own relationship style: has he been the leader in the home or has he been the supplicator to her? Women are commanded by Paul to respect their husbands, but it’s very difficult for wives to respect husbands who aren’t leaders, do not stand up for themselves, who let her have her way on everything, who really are Nice Guys™, who may have done something really offensive, etc. Has he been someone she can look up to or has he been someone she can push around? Catholic or not, women don’t respect men they can push around. But women are fallen just as men are. When they don’t respect their husbands even though Paul commanded that respect of them, it’s very difficult for them to feel attracted hence it’s difficult for them to have sex if physical issues are not involved. And it’s very easy for them to be attracted to others, to fall into temptation that way, which is what I think is happening with those Facebook friends. Reason I spend time on this is because in most instances, there is very little the husband can say that will influence his wife in a positive direction, instead he must work on the only person he can change: himself, to turn himself into a man she might respect. This is hard work, not every man can do this, no guarantee of success even if he does pull it off, but absent physical and psychiatric issues, that is often the only path back to the marriage bed.

I’ll go out on a limb and recommend the OP read the site Married Man Sex Life and start with the first year of posts. A couple of books available too. Warning the site is run by an atheist, but don’t let that stop you, he is very pro-marriage and he is about getting the men in relationships like this to improve themselves with action plans intended to put themselves in a better place to get that respect and love from their wives. For men on their last lifeline, it’s worth a shot, no guarantee of success if she is too far gone. But be prepared to work on yourself. God bless…
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YES! She is rewriting history - I was never a good husband - I was never a good father. I am now considered controlling.

Been to Athol’s site. Have been working on myself for the last 6 months. Improving many red areas - have lost 25 pounds so far. Reading alot of books including his and the no more mr nice guy one and many, many others. Am trying to stand up to her and for myself. She is in perimenopause - low estrogen - mood swings - midlife crisis for her? She is still capable sexually - no problem there. She has admitted that she doesn’t respect me.

I am trying to find away back by working on myself. I will keep trying but at some point just got to take stock and admit when something isn’t fixable.
 
Della said:
If your priest won’t help you, contact the diocese if you wish to start the annulment process. And you have rights, too, although I don’t know how custody is handled in Asia. You need a good lawyer to help you with that. It’s apparent she never intended to be your wife, but just wanted to be a mother. You don’t have to go on living like this. Get help from your diocese and hire a good lawyer, that’s my advice.
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Thanks. I wish I didn’t have to consider this. This is awful.
 
Depending on the country you MIGHT be able to force her into seeking help. I take it for granted that you have spent years trying to reach her.

I don’t think this suggestion is as harsh as it sounds. There are children whose religious upbringing will most certainly not be Catholic should you leave and not be able to get custody… that is what you suggest that outcome would be right?

In the US this would be much trickier, but there, depending on the country, perhaps not. Consider consulting an attorney there. What I am looking for… is a way to get her to face her own demons, so to speak. She will not do this voluntarily, so perhaps you could fashion an intervention of sorts. You may feel this is too overbearing, and it very well might be, but sometimes mental illness, if that is what it is requires an intervention. We do this for alcoholics and others, it might be a longshot, but it might help her and your marriage at the same time. She might thank you later, she might not, but it sounds like you have little to lose in that department.

If all else fails, a diagnosis might help you in a custody action. You are certainly in my thoughts and prayers.​

I am not a professional counselor. Please view my advice and suggestions with that in mind.
 
ultimatepesmist said:
Thanks. I wish I didn’t have to consider this. This is awful.
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Wow…I wish I could offer you some wonderful advice, but I think what everyone else is saying is probably correct. You can’t change her, but you don’t have to let this destroy you. God has allowed this heavy cross to be placed in your life, but that also means He’s ready to help you carry it, whatever that ultimately means for you. Trust that He knows what’s best for you and is allowing this to happen for some good reason. Keep bugging your priest about this and go talk to someone at the Diocese if necessary if you feel the priest is brushing you off. You may indeed have grounds for annulment.

Also there are two books that helped me get through a dark time this past year:

amazon.com/Searching-Maintaining-Peace-Small-Treatise/dp/0818909064

amazon.com/Abandonment-Divine-Providence-Western-Philosophy/dp/0486464261/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1386211521&sr=1-1&keywords=abandonment+to+divine+providence

You’re in my prayers.
 
I don’t know what country you are in, but it’s true that many Asian countries do back the man when it comes to custody, especially for sons he may have. I agree that it is also possible, depending on the country, that you may be able to force her into some sort of in-house therapy, in order to obtain a diagnosis, or at least find out if there is a physical or mental problem in all this. The Diocese might be able to provide you with information on this, as they often have Priests who are not just Canon lawyers (Church laws), but also are up to date with local laws in the countries where they are stationed. Do contact your Diocese, whether you are looking at an annulment or not. Finding a local private Legal Attorney would also give you information prior to your doing anything, since one of your priorities is to protect your sons and their religious status as Catholics. If you are in business in the country where you live, you probably know some lawyers anyway (for business purposes), and can obtain the name of an Attorney who specializes in Domestic law for marriages, divorces, etc… including custody. First things would be to find out if you can force a diagnostic therapy to see if she does indeed have problems. (or if her only problem is being a wife at all, for whatever reason). Whatever her reasons, this is not a normal reaction of a woman, even in her 40’s or 30’s, unless she has either emotional, mental or physical problems that are now undiagnosed. Do contact your Diocesan offices, and explain that your elderly Priest (from Italy) has stated that there are no annulments in the Church, which indicates that he is indeed behind the times. In the early 60’s, and especially prior to Vatican II, almost no one was even aware of Annulments, and they were rarely mentioned, and Priests didn’t deal with them much, nor did Diocesan offices, since they seldom occurred except in really unusual circumstances (such as arranged and forced marriages in some countries). I will remember you in my prayers tonight and for some time to come.

I had the same problem as your wife in my first marriage, which I had Annulled after 24 years, but the cause was not me, he was abusive and beat me regularly, and especially when I conceived, as he wanted no children (which I found out after marriage). I lost all 5 of my children as a result. Obviously, this doesn’t seem to be your problem, or if it is, you certainly do have 3 sons, and are concerned for them, so I doubt you are an abusive husband. God be with you. I hope you will follow up with both lawyer, Diocese, and find out if you can get some intervention therapy to discover just what caused the problem, and whether it might actually be something you did years ago which has affected her very badly, and you aren’t even aware of it. God help and comfort you.:signofcross:
 
You need to contact your diocese to see if you may have grounds for an annulment if your priest won’t help you. You can’t force your wife to do what she doesn’t want to do. And like it or not, there may be nothing emotionally or psychologically wrong with her at all. The more you push her, or try to force her, the more the animosity will grow. Pray for her. She’s probably just as unhappy as you are.
 
I’m perplexed that nothing much in the thread sheds light on when, or what may have led to your wife’s change in attitude. It is especially curious that your wife expresses no sadness at the situation, or even sympathy for you.

Do you contend that your wife entered the marriage with improper motives, or that it began with the proper intent and commitment, and then something “changed”?
 
I think but cannot be sure it was the burden of having and raising three boys. I think she felt trapped by that in that she had to fully devote herself to them all these years with very little for herself. I think that is why she is on Facebook - it gives her something that is fully hers.

After the third boy she started saying that she wishes she could kill herself, never get married, and don’t have kids. There was a lot of stress with work and family during the kid’s early years that often led to stress fueled arguments. She could escalate things quite quickly. I tried really hard to deescalate. It wasn’t easy as she made me the focus of her anger.

She does have alot of anger. However she refuses to talk with me or anyone about it.

She now says she doesn’t love me and just wants the kids. She has emotionally and physically checked out of the marriage. You are right she doesn’t care and shows no emotion and she refuses to work on anything. I have gotten very sick recently and she shows absolutely no concern whatsoever. Makes me think it is truly over - that she just stays for the kids.

I said that if you want to stay for the kids work with me on the marriage to make a good example for them. Just staying for the kids and shutting your husband out hurts the marriage and the kids.

After we got married the issue of her withdrawing emotionally and physically started very early. This coupled with her saying she doesn’t want sex anymore and that she hates sex leads me to believe that these were two areas in which she was unwilling to be a 100% loving wife from the beginning. I do think she started out with preconceived ideas that marriage was all about the kids. After all here in Asia the husband is usually the loser in the marriage with the wife putting all of her attention and resources on the kids, family, work whatever.
 
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