Sexless Marriage Confused Lost and In Pain

[Xantippe]

Rau said:

“I’m perplexed that nothing much in the thread sheds light on when, or what may have led to your wife’s change in attitude. It is especially curious that your wife expresses no sadness at the situation, or even sympathy for you.”

Yes.

Somebody upthread said something interesting about how she may have mentally rewritten the story of the relationship at some point. She may have decided, totally post hoc, that she married you just to have children.

Women can act very weird after having kids. The hormonal changes involved are profound, and a lot of women lose interest in sex postpartum. Plus, there can be a sudden hyper-focus on the kids. Some women recover from this naturally, but others get on the express train to Babyville and don’t come back. So, I would not necessarily assume that there was an affair going on without further evidence.

A related and complicating factor is that the familiarity and practical side of parenting can make a spouse feel more like a family member or an employer than a lover. On some subconscious level, it may feel wrong to have sex with the kids’ dad or your boss. If at all possible, it would be a good idea to get her away from home and/or the kids for a few days.

One possible angle is to work with her kid-mindedness and to point out that it would be bad for the kids if you got a divorce and that you need to improve your relationship–for the kids. “We need to see a counselor–for the kids” or “We need to have a better relationship, so we can set a good example for the kids. They are learning from us what being a family means, and we have to think seriously about what it is we are teaching them.”

Nothing that you’ve shared suggests that you are going to have an amicable divorce if you can’t save your marriage. I expect WWIII if you divorce.

Best wishes!

 

[ultimatepesmist]

You need to contact your diocese to see if you may have grounds for an annulment if your priest won’t help you. You can’t force your wife to do what she doesn’t want to do. And like it or not, there may be nothing emotionally or psychologically wrong with her at all. The more you push her, or try to force her, the more the animosity will grow. Pray for her. She’s probably just as unhappy as you are.

Dear Friend so you think it is ***normal ***to live like this? This is hell on earth friend. I don’t contend that God want us to live is such a debased state? And no - I am not forcing or pushing anything AT ALL. I have moved to another room and done a 180. We hardly talk anymore. If we do it is about practical matters such as the dry cleaning or kid matters - after all she is living out her promise - to stay only for the kids. Which stings very much to be isolated like this - from the woman you love and cherish. I can’t think of a more painful emotional torture than this.

If she is unhappy it is on HER to work on that. It is on her to do something. Only she can fix that. I have no control as you said. If she refuses well then she should take the responsibility to move out and leave the kids and the house to me. I am not the one hoisting this situating on her. It is the other way around.

 

[ultimatepesmist]

Rau said:

“I’m perplexed that nothing much in the thread sheds light on when, or what may have led to your wife’s change in attitude. It is especially curious that your wife expresses no sadness at the situation, or even sympathy for you.”

Yes.

Somebody upthread said something interesting about how she may have mentally rewritten the story of the relationship at some point. She may have decided, totally post hoc, that she married you just to have children.

Women can act very weird after having kids. The hormonal changes involved are profound, and a lot of women lose interest in sex postpartum. Plus, there can be a sudden hyper-focus on the kids. Some women recover from this naturally, but others get on the express train to Babyville and don’t come back. So, I would not necessarily assume that there was an affair going on without further evidence.

A related and complicating factor is that the familiarity and practical side of parenting can make a spouse feel more like a family member or an employer than a lover. On some subconscious level, it may feel wrong to have sex with the kids’ dad or your boss. If at all possible, it would be a good idea to get her away from home and/or the kids for a few days.

One possible angle is to work with her kid-mindedness and to point out that it would be bad for the kids if you got a divorce and that you need to improve your relationship–for the kids. “We need to see a counselor–for the kids” or “We need to have a better relationship, so we can set a good example for the kids. They are learning from us what being a family means, and we have to think seriously about what it is we are teaching them.”

Nothing that you’ve shared suggests that you are going to have an amicable divorce if you can’t save your marriage. I expect WWIII if you divorce.

Best wishes!

Great! WWIII. That is why I hesitate. Staying like this seems a bit more safe than WWIII. But staying in a loveless marriage is truly awful.

 

[ultimatepesmist]

You need to contact your diocese to see if you may have grounds for an annulment if your priest won’t help you. You can’t force your wife to do what she doesn’t want to do. And like it or not, there may be nothing emotionally or psychologically wrong with her at all. The more you push her, or try to force her, the more the animosity will grow. Pray for her. She’s probably just as unhappy as you are.

Priest is now telling me that annulment is very very difficult. He keeps trying to steer my towards seperation at best.

 

[Xantippe]

ultimatepessmist said:

“I said that if you want to stay for the kids work with me on the marriage to make a good example for them. Just staying for the kids and shutting your husband out hurts the marriage and the kids.”

Sorry–I see you’ve already had that conversation with her. What did she say back?

“After the third boy she started saying that she wishes she could kill herself, never get married, and don’t have kids.”

Yikes! Look into your local rules on involuntary commitment so that if she says anything like that again, you can have her committed for a few days. I would have been very concerned that she was a danger to herself and to the kids when she said that stuff.

“She now says she doesn’t love me and just wants the kids. She has emotionally and physically checked out of the marriage.”

That sounds kind of postpartumish–the wrapping oneself up in the kids while simultaneously being overwhelmed by them and wanting to flee. A lot of the stuff you mention definitely sounds like depression. Plus, it sounds like her desire to be Perfect Asian Mom is killing her. It may be that anger is the only emotion that she allows herself to express because it’s the only one that doesn’t make her feel weak and helpless.

Have you tried individual counseling, or is that unavailable in your area?

 

[ultimatepesmist]

I agree 100 percent with what you have said above. A couple of years ago she said she wanted to seperate and that I could have the kids. So I don’t understand the sudden reversal here unless she is trying to make it impossible for me to divorce knowing that I won’t give up the kids or the house - and that she won’t have to change or do anything - essentially maitaining the status quo which I detest.

She has violently opposed ANY counseling. She told her family members that if they pushed it any further she would kill herself. I did individual but felt it was getting nowhere while being very expensive. I have purhcased many recent books on anger, controlling behavior, marriage, etc. and am reading very deeply. I am trying to learn and do recongnize that half of this at least if on me. I don’t blame my wife for everything.

 

[Xantippe]

ultimatepesmist said:

“She told her family members that if they pushed it any further she would kill herself.”

Wow.

At least here in the US, I believe that kind of talk would be grounds for involuntary commitment (very short term, unfortunately, but still something). I wonder how things work in your area.

Good luck!

 

[Rau]

Is life difficult for your wife, in the sense of little money, lot of housework, difficult to manage kids, housework, etc? Or is she blessed with plenty of money, help in the house, etc? I assume she does not work? What age range are the kids? Are your working hours ‘conventional’? I’m trying to understand whether anything in your situation would weigh heavily on her, or be a cause of resentment?

What attitude does her family seem to take? Do they view her as being the source of difficulty in the marriage, or the victim? How do they treat and interact with you?

 

[Cricket2]

Thank-you everyone for your replies. Just let me say that I am an American living in Asia. My wife is Asian. Let me also say that during these last 2 years I must have read every book and every website pertaining to this Subject. I have spoken with many people and obtained many views. Right now I am very, very confused and can’t think straight.

I have spoken with our priest, a man close to 90 from Italy. He is extremely conservative and traditional. He told me there is no divorce - only separation. He refuses to discuss other alternatives such as annulment and told me I need to be patient.

I do feel that the way my wife treats me is abuse - physical,mental, emotional. She is the one that shut down and has REFUSED repeated attempts at better communication and a better life. I have tried many creative ways. They have all failed. I have been patient with this - 5 YEARS and counting.

I am very worried that if it does come to divorce my wife will RIP me big time. She has already told me she wants to keep our family home and have sole custody of the children. The negotiations have started off very in her favor.

I don’t know why she can’t reach out to me - all I feel from her is hate and anger. I don’t hate her nor am I angry at her. I would do anything immediately if I just knew what it was to turn things around even just a little.

Someone mentioned potential hidden issues. That is something I wonder myself. I have also often wondered if there is a very deep hidden affair in the background that has been concealed from me. All the signs are there - from her coldness and cutting off intimacy and the hate filled things she has said to me over the years.

I just don’t know what to do. Thank-you so much for praying for me. I am filled with deep sadness 24hrs a day. I just don’t know what to do. I feel so stupid and helpless.

Time to talk to another Priest.

 

[The_Reginator]

Absent physical and psychiatric issues on her part, men in this position have to look at their own relationship style: has he been the leader in the home or has he been the supplicator to her? Women are commanded by Paul to respect their husbands, but it’s very difficult for wives to respect husbands who aren’t leaders, do not stand up for themselves, who let her have her way on everything, who really are Nice Guys™, who may have done something really offensive, etc. Has he been someone she can look up to or has he been someone she can push around? Catholic or not, women don’t respect men they can push around.

You’ve just described me.

HOWEVER,
ultimatepesmist, and all other struggling with similar marital problems:

Here’s my most recent thought on these matters. It is NOT easy and I have not been able (as yet, at least) to apply it to myself.
Life is full of suffering. Our Lord suffered for us on the cross. Maybe we need to accept this suffering and trust in God’s will. I do not mean to ‘give up’ and get walked all over, but rather simply accept what we are going through at this point in time. We can offer our sufferings up to God for the price of souls. For our spouse’s soul, our children’s souls, etc.

And let’s pray for one another.
Pater noster …
Ave Maria …
Gloria …