Sexless Marriage/Divorce

[The_Bucket]

Glad to see the situation is improving for you.

And to The Geographer, I have to wonder if you’re really a man. Seriously. You’re married and you’re going seven years without sex? Unless there’s some kind of serious medical condition like paralysis, extremely old age or total inability to use NFP and your wife would die if she got pregnant, I can’t even fathom that. That’s utterly ridiculous and I can fully understand why this woman would feel like she wasn’t even married anymore. There’s a reason it’s referred to as the “marriage act.”

 

[The_Geographer]

Glad to see the situation is improving for you.

And to The Geographer, I have to wonder if you’re really a man. Seriously. You’re married and you’re going seven years without sex? Unless there’s some kind of serious medical condition like paralysis, extremely old age or total inability to use NFP and your wife would die if she got pregnant, I can’t even fathom that. That’s utterly ridiculous and I can fully understand why this woman would feel like she wasn’t even married anymore. There’s a reason it’s referred to as the “marriage act.”

Wow, questioning my manhood. That’s a new one. I guess you must question you priests manhood as well. I’ve gone for long extended periods without sex. And now your diagnosing me and my spouse.
WOW

 

[The_Geographer]

I assume you haven’t read all the posts on this thread otherwise I believe your language would have been more “positive”.

@SueB74. I am happy for you that things seem to be getting better. Please keep the communication with your husband going.

I will also try to be praying for you (I’m unfortunately not so good at prayers). So I will be trying

Wow! Another one. A very gentle post speaking truth and this is your reaction. Lacking charity today aren’t we. My post was not intended to be read with such hostility. It sounds like you too have some sort of issue in misunderstanding what marriage is about. Very interesting reponses. Very sad. Especially to a man that dedicated is life to serving the Church. WOW! I’m absolutely shocked at just how cafeteria Catholic people can be. I said nothing wrong and this was your response and that you could barely pray for me? WOW! I’m absolutely amazed at just how evil people can be when their gut reaction about something is so off the wall and inappropriate.

 

[The_Geographer]

Just a quick update. I got up the courage to finally sit down with my husband for a heart to heart conversation. We were able to discuss our relationship as a whole as well the specific issue of lack of intimacy. It turns out that the underlying cause is medical. Fortunately, he recently started eating healthier and exercising and has promised to quick smoking next. I plan to encourage him to get in for a complete checkup. He’s now at least sleeping in the same bed instead of on the couch. He also came to mass with us this past Sunday.

So, thank you all for your prayers. We have a long way to go, but at least I feel hopeful about the future.

Sorry that I didn’t see this part of the thread. My settings are such that this one fell on the next “page” and I didn’t notice it.

Anyway I hope you realize I was NOT accusing of being one thing or the other. I don’t know you and only had enough information that was on the first part of the entire thread. My point was that not having sex is not a reason to justify divorce. But this is something you’d have to deal with your priest. I’m amazed at how many other would see it as a reason to marry and that somehow a man would say this is wrong. It’s absolutely sinful to even teach such a thing that is wrong like this. I merely addressed the issue without knowing the details based on what was available. This ought to be good advise to anyone that things they’ll ask strangers on the internet for marriage advice somehow trying to justifying a particular course of action. No body should ever do this. It’s insane or at least very irrational.

We must all stick to Church teaching, not what makes us feel good. Marriage is a sacrifice. For better or worse, for richer or poorer, …maybe extend the context of “poor” meaning not getting any physical loving. Sure, men should also be sacrificial to their wives. That is why I’m a member of the E-5 Men organization. Men tie a lot of their ego into their ability to “perform”. When we feel this way, and I have when I was working 80 to100 work weeks. I felt like I was on the verge of a heart attack. And I was only 34 at the time. Pressure was so high knowing my mom had cancer and then my older brother committing suicide after dumping his overweight wife for a younger hotter model. His son is following in his footsteps. IT goes both ways you know. If a man is supposed to stick it out after his wife becomes less attractive, then so should women do the same for us when we have difficulty “getting it up” so to speak. I’m not trying to sound crude, but there is a lot of truth in what I’ve observed on CAF. There are many people, both men and women, that thing they can do whatever they want in spite of God’s will for us.

I’m glad to see that you are working things through. But the way you said “I finally got the courage to…” tells me that you haven’t tried in the past or at least not hard enough. I don’t know. So pardon receiving unwanted communication after you started a thread on the subject you wanted to advice. Don’t ask ASK if you don’t want a diversity of opinions.

I never have trouble praying for my enemies, and I don’t know why someone would show their true colors by saying it would be difficult to pray for me, someone that is NOT an enemy. Bazaar. I’ll keep you especially in my prayers. WOW! What a motley crew we are.

Pax Christi tecum

 

[The_Geographer]

Glad to see the situation is improving for you.

And to The Geographer, I have to wonder if you’re really a man. Seriously. You’re married and you’re going seven years without sex? Unless there’s some kind of serious medical condition like paralysis, extremely old age or total inability to use NFP and your wife would die if she got pregnant, I can’t even fathom that. That’s utterly ridiculous and I can fully understand why this woman would feel like she wasn’t even married anymore. There’s a reason it’s referred to as the “marriage act.”

MEDS!

 

[The_Geographer]

sounds like you have two issues, not one. If he suddenly got a job transfer that took you back home would you still want a divorce?

Divorce is not an option for Catholics outside extraordinary circumstances such as abuse, ongoing infidelity, one partner having already left the home and family etc.

By all means get counselling for yourself to help you find a way to live with your circumstances.

 

[Onedayatatime]

As for his long hours, I have begged him repeatedly to change careers to something less demanding. I have even drawn up budgets to show him how we could easily live on far less and told him that I would be happy to go back to work full time. He refuses to downgrade since he is a workaholic that really loves his job.

QUOTE]

I had some serious workaholic tendencies at various stages in my career. Fortunately, my wife, life and the Lord refocused my attention. I will pray for you. It is very difficult for a workaholic to change behaviour, it is an addiction, and one where quality of life around the addict suffers a great deal.

 

[The_Geographer]

If you read my original and subsequent posts you will see that I put up with this situation for seven years and the situation was greatly compounded by my husband’s refusal to talk. My husband has confessed to infidelity in the past and I was suspicious that an ongoing recurrence or an untreatable sexually transmitted disease may have explained his current alienation. Once I found out that it is a medical issue I am 100% percent behind him since now I know he is still committed to our marriage.

As for his long hours, I have begged him repeatedly to change careers to something less demanding. I have even drawn up budgets to show him how we could easily live on far less and told him that I would be happy to go back to work full time. He refuses to downgrade since he is a workaholic that really loves his job.

I posted my question because I was deeply troubled and tired of crying myself to sleep many nights. When a spouse shuts you out like that the rejection that is felt is emotionally overwhelming. You feel as though you are a repulsive freak and it has nothing to do with wanting more fun in your life.

Frankly I was dismayed by all the uncalled for assumptions in your post.

It’s obvious I didn’t read all of the post. Usually people put the sum of everything like this in the first post. Based on what little information I read and the subsequent responses from other people seeming to base the marriage solely on sex disgusted me. I apologize. But everyone also owes me by extending a sense of charity based on what I said. I didn’t accuse but rather tried to guess one scenario. I know people like I stated. I’m glad your not one of them. Good for you. But sad for your marriage still.

This probably isn’t a good place to spill your guts anyway. There are a number of extreme views. Airing dirty laundry while its so close to home is imprudent. But I understand and have done similar in the past. But my experience was part of a reversion journey that ultimately brought me back to the Catholic Church along with my wonderful wife.

I have a regurgitive response when I hear someone admit to infidelity…particularly actual physical contact, unlike pornography it more particularly defines someones evil intentions in such a way that they are really willing to hurt their spouse. This alone is just cause for divorce in my book. However, studying Church teaching tells me that its not quite so simple. My former faith teaches that divorce is only acceptable under 2 conditions, infidelity and death. And even if the first occurs it is strongly encouraged to attempt to mend the relationship in order to save the other spouse guilty of the sin because only the person that divorces who is not guilty can remarry. The one that sinned will never be able to marry without binding themselves and their new spouse to eternal damnation. Even though I know this is not exactly correct, in some ways it is true it’s not quite that simple now that I’m Catholic.

MIght I suggest retrouvaille instead of people on this forum. Contact your pastor and go from there.

Again, my deepest apologies. Just re-read what I wrote. It was not accusing you, but from where I’m sitting it appeared to be something along those lines and I thought a bit of introspection might go a long way for the people that became insanely accusatory to me…like questioning my manhood. How sinful can one get? They should confess that in my honest opinion because it was over the top directly insulting to me and my wife who had a few words for them.

 

[kelvinf]

…Contact your pastor and go from there.

…

She also said that she is living in a foreign country and isn’t quite familiar with the language. Hence communication is difficult for her.

 

[The_Bucket]

It was not accusing you, but from where I’m sitting it appeared to be something along those lines and I thought a bit of introspection might go a long way for the people that became insanely accusatory to me…like questioning my manhood. How sinful can one get? They should confess that in my honest opinion because it was over the top directly insulting to me and my wife who had a few words for them.

I’ll apologize for violating the “flaming/attacking” rules of CAF if indeed you think I did so.

As for the substance, well, yeah I’m not apologizing for that.

 

[Corinne3]

SueB74,

I feel for you, terribly. Please hear my story and my advice. I’ll try to keep it short.

In the late 90’s my ex-wife “figured out” she was a “homosexual.” I know better know, but I was not really properly chatechized. The upshot, though, is that she refused to have relations with me and even shrank from any kind of non-sexual physical contact.

It was agony. I had no idea I could suffer that much. Not because I wasn’t “getting some,” as the culture would us believe, but because of the horrible wall thrown up between us.

On the advice of a priest we separated. Later, we divorced. She pursued her same sex lifestyle, and to this day lives and sleeps with a woman. I filed for and we received an annullment. Later I re-married and have a beautiful family. I’m hardly “happily ever after” because I married an unbaptized woman, but that’s another story.

Here’s what’s important: The divorce was horribly painful for me. It solved nothing. If anything, I was the last defense against my ex-wife leaving the Church and falling into a life of what may very well be mortal sin. Although I am happier now, here’s how I would deal with it now that I have reverted to Jesus and really embraced full communion with the Church.

I would not have left her. I would have accepted the agony as my cross to bear, and offer up that agony to be united to the Cross of Jesus for the cure and salvation of my ex-wife. I would pray daily before the Blessed Sacrament. I would have fought for her soul to my last breath. Maybe, just maybe, she would have rejected the garbage and filth being fed to her by her secular “counselor” and “psychologist.”

Now it is too late.

SueB74, it is true that you might (as in maybe possibly) obtain an annullment under your circumstances especially given his refusal to give you what is rightfully yours (i.e., the gift of himself in marriage). However, I urge you to take a higher road and to try to do what I did not.

Your husband might need you now more than ever, even though he only inflicts pain on you and even though he so far refuses to work with you. Offer your pain to be united to Jesus’ cross for your husband’s salvation, and do so daily before the Blessed Sacrament. Continually pray for him. His very soul might depend on it, and by sincerely doing so you will earn merit for yourself.

I also offer you the story of Blessed Elisabeth Leseur as additional inspiration. en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Elisabeth_Leseur She never saw the results of her prayers; she went to her deathbed suffering from her husbands scorn. However, after she died he read her diary and not only converted, but became a priest.

I will pray for you. I know your pain, and I know that sometimes all you can do is desperately look for a way out. Instead, look for a way into Jesus’ cross.

God Bless,
Ted

Ted: Your advice to this woman was so beautiful, I hope OP you take this advice. Ted is right, divorce never solves anything, just misery and generational curses carried on. Many of us suffer in different ways in marriage, I sure do, we’ve always had a great sex life, but still my h has been unfaithful, which crushes my heart so much. Try to see a counselor, yourself if your husband refuses to attend, and just try to love him anyway. That’s my advice. You, and your unconditional love may be the only face of Jesus he sees. I’m taking my own advice on this one too (trying to). I wish you rest in the love of the Blessed Trinity, and I sure hope the real problem can be discovered soon, and your marriage restored to wholeness. If your husband was in an accident and paralyzed from the neck down and you could never have sex again, would you separate or divorce? This might be a good question to ask yourself. Remember better or worse.

God Bless You
Corinne

 

[The_Geographer]

She also said that she is living in a foreign country and isn’t quite familiar with the language. Hence communication is difficult for her.

I lived in Germany for 2 years. I felt completely isolated. So I know the feeling.

Y’all seem to be ignoring the fact that this is not grounds for a divorce. But infedelity is. So The Bucket needs to take that into account and that I missed that part initially. Adult children still need parents to remain together. So the best thing is to work it out if you possibly can.

 

[tamrk]

Sue - Contego’s message could have been written by me.

I too faced your situation. No sex for years. I finally discovered he was gay. He left, and eventually filed for divorce. He has gone “off the deep end” living a life of sin and immorallity. I now take this as my failing as much as his. I would never have left him, knowing that this was my cross to bear. It was my job to stick it out and help him get the help he needed. Like Contego, my ex found a counselor that told him what he wanted to hear. Sadly, his counselor was Catholic and abandoned the Church’s teaching in order to be politically correct.

I can now only pray. I has been agony for me knowing that I might have been able to help my ex find salvation and now he runs the other way from God.

Divorce is not the answer. It has brought much more distress for me than my failed marriage. Please stick it out. I know it is tough because is seems like prayer is just not enough. I have stuggled to keep my faith, but I know it is only through God that I will survive this.
May God continue to show you his loving mercy.

 

[mrpathetic]

Sue:

Your marital problems are part of a larger problem. I will be frank, but charitable, as I point this out.

Your husband is an idol-worshiper. He worships money. He is a follower of the God of Mannon, not Christ. Every aspect of his behavior points this out. He clearly worships his career, and all the power and trappings that come with it.

He works 18+ hours per day? Unless his family is starving to death, there is no rational explanation for this - other than he worships his job, and the money and power it provides him.

This is inherently sinful, and has to stop. Maybe he doesn’t need to quit his job completely, but he cannot continue in this fashion. He has no time for a relationship with Christ, his family, or anything else.

This behavior is destructive to both body and soul. I think you understand this. You need to take steps, to stop this behavior. If he will not listen to you, then perhaps he needs to listen to priest. (I think we call this confession in our faith - let me research that… )

Once this destructive behavior, then you can begin the arduous task of repairing your marriage and sex life. But first things first.

 

[mrpathetic]

p.s., Other posters have pointed out, that hey wish they had “stuck with their marriages”. I can empathize with these individuals. I too have a spouse with SSA, and has refused sex to me for many, many years. I have chosen not to divorce her. I too believe that marriage bonds are for life, and that the best thing for my wife is for me to remain with her. I continue to try to guide her back to the faith, but it is slow going. Very slow.

You are suffering from similar problems. I strongly recommend you stick with your marriage vows, and do not divorce your husband.

But let’s be very clear about one point: this is not an excuse for complacency! You cannot simply state: “I have a bad marriage. My spouse is a sinner. Woe is me. I’ll just have to suffer for the next 30 years.” That is not how Christ has called us to marriage. Marriage may sometimes entail suffering, but suffering is not the be-all, end-all of marriage. (I once believed that, and I now know I was wrong.)

We are here to help our spouses to holiness. That is why marriage is a sacrament - specifically, a sacrament of service. You must lovingly help your husband overcome these problems. That is part of your duty, as a Christian spouse.

Prayer is important. It can be pivotal, in finding the strength, to face this problem. And I should know: I have prayed literally hundreds of rosaries, for help with my marriage. However, it is only part of the solution. You also need to take action.

Do the following. Go to your parish, and ask to speak to the pastor. Ask the Pastor to schedule some time with your husband. Ask him to begin counseling your husband, on the proper role of a Christian husband. (I know you live overseas, and have language issues. Your pastor, therefore, may need to delegate this responsibility to someone else, who is fluent in English. Regardless, start with the pastor. )

 

[whatevergirl]

Hi Sue, in reading through the thread a bit, it seems like there is some hope alive, your husband is trying to make some health changes, and people underestimate how poor health can affect one’s sex life. It really can. Compounded with the financial pressures, he’s not feeling very sexy, for lack of a better word. So don’t believe for a moment, it’s you…that you have done something to turn him off. But, many people have this notion that men are just physical, but they have emotional and mental needs just like us women…your patience and fortitude in sticking through these difficult times, probably shows your husband how much you really care and want a better marriage…not just for you, but for you both. I think there is hope, here. If there was infidelity on his part, or he was addicted to porn, I might have some different advice, but I think that with all that’s going on, the intimacy of your marriage has taken a back burner…and it happens sometimes to the best of us, when we get lost in the details of our lives. A wonderful couple spoke today after mass was over about Marriage Encounter weekend…it sounds like it could be what you both need, and would get a lot out of…if you can find the time to do it. I will be praying for you both, Sue! God bless. :hug1:

 

[SueB74]

My husband has started working less hours this past month. He’s now usually home by 11 pm instead of 2 am. I know it’s still way too many hours, but at least he’s now getting enough sleep that I’m not afraid of him imminently dropping dead of a heart attack. He’s also been taking weekends off. Yeah! Though I find myself encouraging him to spend his free time on his own hobby (it really destresses him) and with the kids since they’ll all be off to college over the next six years. He has recognized the importance of building a better relationship with them in the short time they have left.

He’s not interested in any type of counseling because he doesn’t see his long hours as a problem, but rather as something to be admired (and necessary for his current position). His own father was another workaholic that didn’t retire until he was 77. I did urge him to go to confession this Lent, but he’s just not there yet. He did come to mass on Easter though, but took a nap in the car this past Sunday.

He has kept up going to the gym. As a matter of fact he’s enjoying the benefits of exercise so much that just last week he offered free gym memberships and time off during the day to go work out as a perk for all his employees. Between getting some more sleep, the exercise, and dropping ten pounds, his sleep apnea has really improved, leaving him with more energy during the day. Slowly, slowly…

 

[kelvinf]

Hi,

how is your situation now?

 

[bmaj]

My husband has started working less hours this past month. He’s now usually home by 11 pm instead of 2 am. I know it’s still way too many hours, but at least he’s now getting enough sleep that I’m not afraid of him imminently dropping dead of a heart attack. He’s also been taking weekends off. Yeah! Though I find myself encouraging him to spend his free time on his own hobby (it really destresses him) and with the kids since they’ll all be off to college over the next six years. He has recognized the importance of building a better relationship with them in the short time they have left.

He’s not interested in any type of counseling because he doesn’t see his long hours as a problem, but rather as something to be admired (and necessary for his current position). His own father was another workaholic that didn’t retire until he was 77. I did urge him to go to confession this Lent, but he’s just not there yet. He did come to mass on Easter though, but took a nap in the car this past Sunday.

… Between getting some more sleep, the exercise, and dropping ten pounds, his sleep apnea has really improved, leaving him with more energy during the day. Slowly, slowly…

I’m so glad to hear that it looks like your marital situation is improving slowly but surely. I noticed some similarities with my marriage in some things that you posted - the workaholic aspect (although my h definitely doesn’t put in the hours yours does), not spending much, if any, family time, the refusal to go the confession, and much less desire for marital intimacy.

I don’t know if the following might be a "hidden’ problem in your marriage as well, but it turns out in mine that his viewing of pornography and self-gratification with it was a major contributor to the problems. It was a convenient, feel-good (but very addictive) de-stressor for him. (Unfortunately the sinful practice is very common in today’s computer age with simple, free availability.) When I discovered it on the computer, we were able to finally open discussions about it and begin to work through the issue to help improve things, so if that is at all a possibility with your h, please know that open communication and understanding can be extremely beneficial in helping things change.

Also as others have said in this thread, always try to remember it’s not your fault. You are still a kind, lovable, and caring woman. Prayer helps tremendously for everything in life, so keep up the good work with that! God is always listening.

I’m sending a prayer your way, and may you remain in Our Lord’s loving care.

 

[Ikigai]

Ah we are living the same life and sharing the same struggles. I have been married for 28 years. The last sex we had was 13 years ago. before that when we conceived our 20 year old. Perhaps 20 or so sexual encounters in 28 years! I have been to more therapists and each one says GET OUT. I have had priests tell me he is not living up to his part of the marriage and I have grounds for an annulment. I currently have one foot out the door but can’t get the other one out because I keep wondering if this is the price of heaven. When my children were little i used to tell them that if God were testing a dog he would not test a dog with money and if he were testing a human he would not test with a bone. We get our crosses with what most effects us. Our goal as Catholics is to try to be a saint. Yep it really is. …Even though most of us don’t feel too qualified What could bring us closer to sainthood than to nail ourself to the cross with Jesus in our struggle. I have cried myself to sleep so many nights and wonder how i can deal with the rejection of a husband who says “I have never been physically attracted to you” ( I used to model in my early years). The part that is so frustrating is that I am 62 years old now and still have above average looks, successful job, well educated, financially comfortable and often pursued by younger men. I too am the best actress in the world. Everyone thinks I have a wonderful marriage and that i am a very lucky woman. I am as lost as you are and i will pray for both of us.