I am not saying to not turn to God for strength, but if he is with holding sex it is likely he is with holding other things, like respect. If she as dealt with her anger issues, he needs to forgive and move on to heal there marriage.
True, he
should, but my point is that no one can force him to do that; he must decide to do that himself… and he is not the one here seeking advice, so what
he should do is beside the point. When we think too much about what others should be doing, we can’t focus on what
we should be doing! She cannot change him, but she can change her own behavior, in part to try and get a different response from her husband.
I would also suggest that from the tone of her post, it doesn’t sound like she’s
entirely dealt with her anger issues–there appears to be more work to do. And… I suspect that the lack of respect is mutual.
Are you saying if this continues, she should just keeping praying and live in this marriage that he might have abandon already. A marriage takes two. I don’t think even God himself would ask anyone to stay in a marriage that they want to get better only to be continually rejected. To live out their lives day in and day out facing that person.
I am saying that it is certainly a
possibility that she is being called to do that.
God didn’t say our lives would be all sunshine and roses–He told us we would struggle, but that He would be there for us when we do. God also did not say that marriage was all “happily ever after,” and when it’s not, He didn’t say we can just leave because it’s hard to stay (see Mark 10 and Matthew 19). Marriages take work, especially really good marriages. It takes real effort, and when we screw up and treat our spouse badly, it may take some time to make up for that and allow that hurt to heal before we expect too much giving in return. So I’m saying that it’s very likely that she needs to put
more (time, effort, prayer, patience, and love–but maybe not by “chasing” him) into her marriage before she gives up on it.
God Himself often asks us to do very difficult things, and I think he HAS asked some people to stay in a difficult marriage, in suffering–but remember, too, that (AFAIK) there is no proof or indication in the OP’s marriage that things will be this way for the rest of their lives. She may need to be patient. What will things be like six months from now? A year from now? We can’t assume that nothing will change in that time… although, by making changes to her own behavior and expectations, and by improving her own relationship with God, she might help those changes along.
Yes, he
“might” have abandoned the marriage–but you and I don’t know that he has, and it doesn’t sound like the OP really knows that at this point, either. He is likely still hurt and angry right now, and yes,
afraid (probably not physically, but there are many kinds of fear). Yet these things can be overcome with time and love, so there is still hope for the marriage. Leaving, OTOH, isn’t likely to save the relationship or get her what she wants–which is to resume her sexual relationship with her husband, and (I’m assuming) to have a good marriage. So how would leaving get her that? Especially if she leaves without doing all she can to repair the relationship.
Not to make light of the situation, but it’s kind of difficult to have sex with your husband… when you aren’t
with your husband, don’t you think?
I’m not saying that there will
never be a point where she might have to separate from him if he obstinately refuses to forgive her and refuses intimacy long-term (though I think she should probably get advice from her priest and/or a spiritual director before she takes that step). I am saying that she should not take the separation route too soon–there are still a lot of possible things she can try, even if he is stubborn.
Also remember that if she separates from him,
she will be alone (and still married). That’s generally not an easier or any happier place to be (despite the “grass is greener” mentality so many of us seem to have).
for you!