Sexless marriage

[Spiritoftruth]

…i suggest a reputable counselor… oh, and don’t forget the “better or worse”, “good times and bad” part of your marriage vows… i wish you luck and peace

 

[a_cermak]

You mention you have a civil relationship, is it an honest one as well? Can you two talk about your sexuality openly? Was she sexually satisfied and then hit a wall (perhaps because the sexual issue is a proxy for something else) or has the sex not been all that fulfilling for her for a long time and she is finally being honest about it? Sometimes women will lie to please their partner and let the partner think that she is enjoying the sex as much as the other is.

I would the distinction would matter and I would think a marriage counselor could tease these facts out.

If she chooses to deconvert (reconvert? revert?) from Catholicism, it does not necessarily mean it has to damage your marriage and there’s certainly no reason it has to destroy your sex life.

 

[grandfather]

It would be practically impossible for anyone to know what the reasons for your wife’s lack of interest in marital intimacy, even with more information. The suggestion that there mighht be a medical issue could be right and speaking with a physician is a good idea.

Do you know if your wife suffered any trauma as a child or adolescent. Was she sexually abused, or assaulted. Was she verbally or physically abused? Did she grow up in a fairly normal family or were there divorces, alcoholism or drug issues? Is her behavior normal in other areas of life? Has she had an abortion?

It is fairly likely that there is something in the past that has turned her away from normal conjugal intimacy. It could be buried deeply, but if someone can get near such a wound it can be healed.

 

[Jimsdun]

And you?

All the time

 

[Jimsdun]

It would be practically impossible for anyone to know what the reasons for your wife’s lack of interest in marital intimacy, even with more information. The suggestion that there mighht be a medical issue could be right and speaking with a physician is a good idea.

Do you know if your wife suffered any trauma as a child or adolescent. Was she sexually abused, or assaulted. Was she verbally or physically abused? Did she grow up in a fairly normal family or were there divorces, alcoholism or drug issues? Is her behavior normal in other areas of life? Has she had an abortion?

It is fairly likely that there is something in the past that has turned her away from normal conjugal intimacy. It could be buried deeply, but if someone can get near such a wound it can be healed.

She was brought up in a loving home. She had a physically abusive ex-hubby. That is what I know.

 

[mrpathetic]

You are describing my situation circa 1997. I wish I could tell you that things have gotten better. They have not. I have not had sexual relations with my wife in 16 years. My wife has told me emphatically over the years, that we will never have relations again. In fact, I am not even allowed to sleep in the same bedroom as her.

Ultimately, I accepted this reality, and simply moved on with my life. My wife and I are still civil, but our relationship is effectively dead. I still pray for her, and do works of pennance and charity, but I see little improvement. I now live out of a life of 100% continence, and I have accepted that I will never have sex with anyone, ever again.

Your wife, like mine, has given up on the Catholic faith. My wife has opted out of Christianity altogether, and now declares herself to be an agnostic. (To be more specific, she is really a materialist, with a high degree of narcissism. That is a better description.) So I have little hope of salvaging a real marriage, a sex life - or my wife’s Christian faith.

The reality is this: some of us will never have fulfilling marriages. When we take our vows, “for better or for worse”, we accept that the worst can happen. In my case, the worst is a lifetime of sexual refusal - which is tragically ironic. Much of my motivation to get married was to have sex - now I have none. Before I married, I prayed to the Lord, to bring my a wife, so I would have a sex life, and the fecundity of marriage. God’s ways are not always our ways.

Try as hard as you can, to re-establish your relationship with your wife. But don’t enter into this struggle with any illusions. I lost mine a long time ago. I now put my hope solely in Jesus, and in the promise of His kingdom. Accept your marriage as a cross from Christ, and unite your sorrows with His.

 

[christianloa]

I know this is not the only thing you will need- but try reading Love Language book by Gary Chapman- it describes how people have different ways of receiving and giving love- and maybe you both have been trying to show each other love just in ways that are not understood well by each other. I am so sorry this has happened, but God is with you and He can help you through anything!

 

[Jimsdun]

Perhaps we should try Retrovaille? Has anybody been through that?

 

[Rafaela]

My wife is no longer interested in intimacy. I really want to save my marriage. What can anybody suggest?

Talk to your wife about it. It does not have to be a taboo issue. Seek counseling together. She might also have her reasons. I sort of sympathize with her, we have been very short time married with my husband, I got almost immediately pregnant… My hormones make my body think that the goal is achieved so no need to enjoy marital relations anymore… Though I would want to, my body is just not helping me at all right now.

My point is just that, your wife might be stressed of work, home things, and even this itself might be stressing her. If she is not relaxed and balanced both physically and mentally then she probably does not feel like it. Talk to her, she might also not have a clue on how much this affects you. Pray, that you will be able to sort out this. Good luck

 

[Berean_Jake]

I’ve read all the current replies to your question about annulment and divorce. Personally, I don’t agree with many of those who have replied to you - there seems to be a tone of accusation, or that the solution is as simple as trying harder, or washing more dishes.

I speak from a position of experience, as my wife and I are currently separated, and I have endured a sexless marriage, clinically defined, for 21 years. Besides the clinical definition, we have had no sex for about 8 years. Over the years we have been through many counselors. Counselors, priests and ministers can only help if both spouses are willing to put in the work to make their marriage the primary priority.

Spiritually I also struggle with this issue, as I definitely believe in God’s word, “So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.” (Matthew 19:6) Yet God’s word also says, “It is not good that man should be alone” (Genesis 2:18) and “Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.” (Ephesians 5:22-24)

There is no doubt that prayer, perseverance and sacrifice are essential components that must go into this mix, however, unless there is some physical or psychological disability, the marriage relationship must be a two way street. Marriage only works correctly when each spouse has the heart of a servant and places the needs, wants and desires of the other ahead of their own.

Do not enter into the consideration of annulment or divorce lightly. I do believe there needs to be a repeating pattern, over years, of emotional, spiritual, and physical rejection, and that you need to explore as many options as you can.

I can recommend some resources, and perhaps you have already looked at these, but if not, they are a good place to begin, again, if possible, the process of saving your marriage.
Pick up a copy of the book, “The Love Dare” by Stephen Kendrick. If you can get her to watch the movie Fireproof with you, that would be helpful as well. Another good book resource is the book, “Boundaries” by Dr. Henry Cloud. You may also wish to visit the website marriagebuilders.com. These are all great resources.

I am at your service, and willing to help answer any questions you may have.

Jake

 

[Lilyflower]

I’ve read all the current replies to your question about annulment and divorce. Personally, I don’t agree with many of those who have replied to you - there seems to be a tone of accusation, or that the solution is as simple as trying harder, or washing more dishes.

I speak from a position of experience, as my wife and I are currently separated, and I have endured a sexless marriage, clinically defined, for 21 years. Besides the clinical definition, we have had no sex for about 8 years. Over the years we have been through many counselors. Counselors, priests and ministers can only help if both spouses are willing to put in the work to make their marriage the primary priority.

Spiritually I also struggle with this issue, as I definitely believe in God’s word, “So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.” (Matthew 19:6) Yet God’s word also says, “It is not good that man should be alone” (Genesis 2:18) and “Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.” (Ephesians 5:22-24)

There is no doubt that prayer, perseverance and sacrifice are essential components that must go into this mix, however, unless there is some physical or psychological disability, the marriage relationship must be a two way street. Marriage only works correctly when each spouse has the heart of a servant and places the needs, wants and desires of the other ahead of their own.

Do not enter into the consideration of annulment or divorce lightly. I do believe there needs to be a repeating pattern, over years, of emotional, spiritual, and physical rejection, and that you need to explore as many options as you can.

I can recommend some resources, and perhaps you have already looked at these, but if not, they are a good place to begin, again, if possible, the process of saving your marriage.
Pick up a copy of the book, “The Love Dare” by Stephen Kendrick. If you can get her to watch the movie Fireproof with you, that would be helpful as well. Another good book resource is the book, “Boundaries” by Dr. Henry Cloud. You may also wish to visit the website marriagebuilders.com. These are all great resources.

I am at your service, and willing to help answer any questions you may have.

Jake

Interesting comment.

Having been tied to a very unhappy marriage for 30-years which was for the greater part sexless, was all about me giving and her doing all the taking, I had to work some 15-hours a day to keep her in the life to which she had become acustomed.

She wore very fine clothes, drove a very upmarket automobile, adorned herself in gold and fine life accessories. She ate the very best food from the very best food stores. Our fridge contained only her food. I was forbidden to eat anything from ‘her’ fridge. All other food was kept locked away.

I wore wrags, drove a banger, was penniless, often had to walk home when my car ran out of petrol, I was fed on food past the sell-by date, or food I managed to steal to keep the hunger pangs at bay.

Before marriage, we discussed and agreed to children, the more the better, and pets too *. After marriage, she changed her mind, said she didn’'t want kids and hated animals, claimed it was a womans perogative to change her mind - men were bound by marriage vows but not women. A man’s word is his bond but a woman cannot be held to account for her vows or promises [she used to say].

She was violent and abusive. I have been assualted more times than I can remember, I was assaulted around about 20 times a week for 30-years. She was given to rages of aggression, shouting and screaming, slamming doors etc, she could even produce ghosts, spiritual things of no particular shape that only came on when she haunted. I have seen them so know they were real. They were bluey grey things of small shape and moved very fast, too fast for the human eye to track them.

She is [was] a very negative person. She used to haunt our house. I used to tell her she was haunting and tell her to stop it. When I told her, she did and the hauntings ceased. The atmosphere was very negative and electrically charged. You could cut the atmosphere with a knife. I never did know what she was doing to haunt as she was usually in her bedroom and I was forbidden access, when she did the haunting thing. It was very forboding, threatening and depressing.

Her bedroom was an aladins cave of electrical appliances, mine was a simple cell of a bed and a wardrobe.

I was so depressed, I did contemplate suicide. I also tried to shoot her but my pistol jammed. Was that not Divine Intervention.

My release came via medical a mis-diagnosis. It was for me a happy release. I. I see that as God’s mercy on me.

I am definitly against marraige. I try to talk young men out of it. It is all about women explointing men. I really do not believe in marriage. Sorry but if I can save just one man from a life of abject poverty misery and degredation, then my efforts have not been in vain.

That said, living apart, she does nothing for me only sponge off me. I visit her, do her jobs, cut her grass. I wish her no ill. If I can help her I will. She has lots of money stored away [which she salted away when we were living together] but she is welcome to keep it.

God bless her, I hope she lives a long life and is very happy.

I also thank God for His great healing He has given to me.

As for marriage, I am dead against it. Better to live in sin and be happy than be a slave to a sham marriage of exploitation.

Jesus bless you all

Blessings and peace*

 

[Jimsdun]

We tried…
.:dts:
But it didn’t work. I could not perform. Perhaps it is phisiological. It is possible that I have ED or impotency. That might have been part of the avoidance; that I can’t perform and have lost my prowess. So perhaps I should go to the doctor. What y’all think?

 

[mrpathetic]

We tried…
.:dts:
But it didn’t work. I could not perform. Perhaps it is phisiological. It is possible that I have ED or impotency. That might have been part of the avoidance; that I can’t perform and have lost my prowess. So perhaps I should go to the doctor. What y’all think?

Absolutley. If you have not had a routine physical, have it done soon. Have a PSA test administered; this will diagnose whether you have prostate problems. Have a raw and free testosterone count administered; this will diagnose if you have hypogonadism, i.e., low testosterone. If you do have low T, there are simple, effective treatments you can receive.

p.s., even if you never have sex with your wife again, you should not ignore a hypogonadism diagnosis. Low T can cause a myriad of problems in men, including heart disease, osteoporosis, and early-onset Alzheimer’s. It is nothing to joke at - or ignore.

Or it could be totally psychological; that is a possibility as well. Believe it or not, sex is not “just like riding a bike”. Once you have stopped having sex for many, many years, it can be difficult starting again.

If you doctor cannot find any physiological cause, he may refer to you to a qualified sex therapist. If the problem really is psychological at this point, presumably, you would need the help of that person.