Sexless Marriage?

[Rau]

I see I have two threads here on the subject. Sorry about that.
My wife has lost interest in sex every since we got married. For 14 years it’s been begging after begging on my part.

Did your wife ever enjoy sex? Have you had conversations with your wife to understand what might be at the cause of this.? Have you had conversations to understand whether love continues in the marriage? Is there is a “lack of interest” in sex, or “positive desire to avoid it”? [One would have thought that love for you would readily overcome at least the former.] Whether your wife agrees such avoidance of sex (absent obvious reason) is unusual? Does your wife agree this is a difficult situation for you? Whether your wife has or is prepared to discuss the matter with a doctor, given there can be medical causes which are readily treatable?

Other than the objective fact of “no sex”, we know nothing of the context, so can offer little, other than the need for you and your wife to discuss the matter.

 

[Rau]

I see I have two threads here on the subject. Sorry about that.
My wife has lost interest in sex every since we got married. For 14 years it’s been begging after begging on my part.

Does your wife engage fully and lovingly in the sex once it finally happens, or is she like an observer, hoping it will end soon? [The latter would be dreadful, and I - as husband - would prefer to do without sex under such circumstances.]

What is her attitude to becoming pregnant?

 

[Zzyzx_Road]

A spouse who though physically able to perform, yet willfully refuses sex has abandoned the marriage as much as the spouse who cheats. But it’s important to examine the context under which this refusal happens.

I have said before that physical issues must be ruled out before moving on. Thing like depression, lack of libido, weight gain, etc. But once physical issues are ruled out then what we have left are the dynamics of the relationship.

The clearest dynamic is that she has definitely lost all attraction for him. If she still had any attraction for him, she would be trying to deal with her issues instead of stonewalling him. Now is that totally on her? I don’t think so as the OP does leave a couple of clues here. One, he says he can’t afford to live on his own. Sounds like the wife is supporting him. Or they are living a lifestyle together that he couldn’t afford on his own. Living a better lifestyle is a bad reason to get married in the first place… Well the OP needs to get a clue, women tend to not like having to support their husbands, they’ll do it willingly if there’s a payoff down the road. E.g., supporting him while he gets his degree, etc. Otherwise, they often lose respect for their husbands in a situation like this. Once a woman loses respect for her husband, it is extremely difficult for her to continue to be loving to him.

Next, what is the OP’s leadership style in their marriage? Better question, does he even have one? Has he lived as a leader and a man worthy of her respect? Clues are thin here, but I think not. Begging is not an attractive behavior. The fact that he feels he has to do that speaks to bigger issues than are spoken of.

update: I see from the OP’s other thread that he has no job. That doesn’t help. Period. Not all wives are supportive of unemployed husbands. He can work the interpersonal issues all he wants, but the lack of income is the elephant in the room and that absolutely positively has to be his number one priority.

 

[fpt]

This is a serious question.
What is a husband to do when he finds himself in a sexless marriage?
Is he to suffer for the rest of his life and offer it up?
I don’t see that as a viable alternative in the long run. He’s bound to fall.

One of hard cores of marriage is the marital debt, because in the institutionnal contract of marriage there is **a mutual , reciprocal and bilateral donation of bodies for making one flesh, in human fashion with the sexual cooperation between the female spouse and the male spouse. **

The marital act is* a contractual right, a institutional duty and an contractual obligation for each member of couple. *The principle is the practice of the marital act, the exception, in particular situations and under special conditions, the non practice of the marital act.

Each member of couple has **the moral obligation of means to take a treatment if there are sexual issues: the moral treatments, the spiritual treatments,the religious treatments, the medical physical treatments, the medical mental treatments that respect the natural moral order of marriage, of the marital act and the human nature. **Each member of couple has to make some sexual efforts and some sexual sacrifices, in positive and in negative, in order solve the problems. But, the marital sexuality in action is and stays the principle: morally speaking, each one has to offer its own body to the other. The sexual debt, the sexual right, the sexual privilege, the sexual obligation, the right to the body, the right on the body, the right of the body are elements of marriage and are still existing, even if today they are seen as very old fashion and are very fought by the radical feminism and the modern world. In entering into the marriage, each member of couple gave its agreement with all that.

What are the causes of this situation: moral diseases, psychological diseases, mental diseases, religious diseases, spiritual diseases, physical diseases, physiological diseases, affective dysfunctions, emotional diseases, sexual dysfunctions, problems in the conjugal love…etc ? There is an obligation of means of identifying the issues and to follow treatments.

 

[MainBrain]

Thank you all for your replies. I will carefully read them all and reply later. Thank you again.

 

[Roger1]

I am not sure if you stated if your wife prays with you? If she does that is great for you and your marriage. If she will not pray as a married couple with you then this is another indication of how dark her soul is and damaged/wounded she might be.

It is clearly a confessable sin to be married and to deny your spouse the goods of the marriage. As the others have pointed out above there are exceptions, but these are the extreme exceptions. See below and read the entire passage. If she is being selfish and spiteful to you, your marriage and thus disrespecting the Sacrament of Holy Matrimony, that means she is diverging herself away from the Lord and will most likely spend many many years in Purgatory if she does not reconcile with God and you to some extent, if she ever makes it to Purgatory.

Corinthians 1:7
Advice to the Married.*
1
Now in regard to the matters about which you wrote: “It is a good thing for a man not to touch a woman,”*
2
but because of cases of immorality every man should have his own wife, and every woman her own husband.
3
The husband should fulfill his duty toward his wife, and likewise the wife toward her husband.
4
A wife does not have authority over her own body, but rather her husband, and similarly a husband does not have authority over his own body, but rather his wife.
5
Do not deprive each other, except perhaps by mutual consent for a time, to be free for prayer, but then return to one another, so that Satan may not tempt you through your lack of self-control.
6
This I say by way of concession,* however, not as a command.
7
Indeed, I wish everyone to be as I am, but each has a particular gift from God,* one of one kind and one of another.a
8

• b Now to the unmarried and to widows, I say: it is a good thing for them to remain as they are, as I do,
  9
  but if they cannot exercise self-control they should marry, for it is better to marry than to be on fire.
  10
  c To the married, however, I give this instruction (not I, but the Lord):* A wife should not separate from her husband
  11
  —and if she does separate she must either remain single or become reconciled to her husband—and a husband should not divorce his wife.
  12
  To the rest* I say (not the Lord): if any brother has a wife who is an unbeliever, and she is willing to go on living with him, he should not divorce her;
  13
  and if any woman has a husband who is an unbeliever, and he is willing to go on living with her, she should not divorce her husband.
  14
  For the unbelieving husband is made holy through his wife, and the unbelieving wife is made holy through the brother. Otherwise your children would be unclean, whereas in fact they are holy.d

15
If the unbeliever separates,* however, let him separate. The brother or sister is not bound in such cases; God has called you to peace.
16
For how do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband; or how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?

But for a short time give your wife what she wants and forget about her. Concentrate on you and your holiness and relationship with God. This may take several months maybe a year or so. Do not be mean to your wife but let her go so to speak.

• Move into another bedroom.
• Do not speak to her unless you have too.
• Do not even look at her unless you have to.
• Focus on you, your prayer life and God.
• Ask for the gift of celibacy and pray for it daily.
• Go to confession every couple of weeks or once a month.
• At night say the Rosary and pray for celibacy instead of worrying about her.
• Remember this is something she wants by her own words and actions.
• You can get back to her after you have steeled and resolved your own holiness.

This may take six mos. to a year but it will work.

 

[fpt]

Your wife should visit, in her own side, a catholic doctor, a catholic psychiatrist, a catholic sexologist, a catholic psychologist, a catholic priest, a catholic ethicist for getting information about the morality of the marital act, with all the corollaries (the refusal of the marital act), and for getting information about the spiritual, religious, psychological / psychical / mental / affective, physical and physiological issues of the marital act. She needs (a natural moral obligation) to identify the deep reasons of her conjugal sexual refusal or of this situation of an almost sexless marriage coming from her?

Your couple (you and her, together) should visit, a catholic doctor, a catholic psychiatrist, a catholic sexologist, a catholic psychologist, a catholic priest, a catholic ethicist for getting information about the morality of the marital act, with all the corollaries, and for getting information about the spiritual, religious, psychological / psychical / mental / affective, physical, and physiological issues of the marital act.

Your couple needs to talk with a priest (a confessor), with another priest (the spiritual director), and with catholic experts for identifying the several issues in order to solve all the problematics of your couple.

Her introspection and also your own introspection are very important and necessary.

The refusal of conjugal sex without good, real, objective and present reasons is morally wrong. She has to be a conjugal lover (your own conjugal mistress) in your favor.

 

[Cat]

It is one thing if a spouse can no longer have sex. Yes, it’s hard, but the bond you have is still there.

It’s another thing if you have an able-bodied spouse who refuses you. That kind of selfishness and rejection can destroy marriages and cause serious damage to an individual.

Personally, I would leave. Part of being married is sex, and if you have no interest in sex or fixing whatever problem is causing this rejection then you clearly don’t have an interest in being married.

I absolutely agree with this. (I’m a woman, BTW.)

People who are called to a life of celibacy can live without sex. This includes those whose spouses are injured or ill and unable to have sex.

But I personally think that a case can be made that people who are called to the married vocation CAN’T live without sex. It’s part of their vocation.

I think that it’s likely that any spouse who starts out having sex, and then refuses sex for many years, with no physical or emotional disability, probably had some kind of psychological problem under the surface before the wedding, but it didn’t come out until the wedding was already done. In other words, “intent to deny sex” was there before the wedding", but it was hidden.

Another question is, “Is the non-sexual spouse willing to give the sexual spouse freedom from the un-marriage?”

Finally, one of the most important questions: “Are there children?” Oh, boy, that complicates everything. I’m not sure I think it’s a good thing for children to live in a family where one spouse is denying the other spouse sex. As the OP said, the denied spouse is under heavy temptation (the Bible says as much!) to fall, and infidelity on the part of parents is devastating to children. Also, I think it’s warped for an able-bodied couple to not be having sex; I think that the children pick up on the fact that something is “wrong” with Mommy and Daddy, but of course, they don’t understand what the “wrong thing” is. It’s just not a good place for them to be, but divorce is probably even worse. They will suffer either way.

 

[MainBrain]

We do have a child.

One more thing. We don’t sleep in the same bed! Well, hardly ever. That’s party my fault. I don’t like to sleep with someone else. It’s partly her fault. She doesn’t like to sleep with me. She never said that outright. But you know.

The wife always complains that sex was too long. I tried to shorten it. She liked it shorter. Although she says she can live without sex, she does enjoy it if I do the preliminarily right… if you know what I’m talking about. But she hardly kisses me.

I’m not going to lie. I was never THAT attracted to my wife. But the older she got the more attractive she got to me. She looks better now than she used to. The older I got the older I looked. I would tell her she looks better now. She would tell me I look my age for the first time. LOL

I realize that looks DO MATTER. I’ve always been a guy who tried to take care of himself. I am not obese. My wife is not obese. I have put on a few pounds that I am trying to lose. I used to dress so nice and take care of myself. My wife only looks good for church. Never for me!!!

My life is a mess. I am stuck in a sexless marriage with no way out. I am jobless, loveless sexless.

 

[MJJean]

We do have a child.

One more thing. We don’t sleep in the same bed! Well, hardly ever. That’s party my fault. I don’t like to sleep with someone else. It’s partly her fault. She doesn’t like to sleep with me. She never said that outright. But you know.

The wife always complains that sex was too long. I tried to shorten it. She liked it shorter. Although she says she can live without sex, she does enjoy it if I do the preliminarily right… if you know what I’m talking about. But she hardly kisses me.

I’m not going to lie. I was never THAT attracted to my wife. But the older she got the more attractive she got to me. She looks better now than she used to. The older I got the older I looked. I would tell her she looks better now. She would tell me I look my age for the first time. LOL

I realize that looks DO MATTER. I’ve always been a guy who tried to take care of himself. I am not obese. My wife is not obese. I have put on a few pounds that I am trying to lose. I used to dress so nice and take care of myself. My wife only looks good for church. Never for me!!!

My life is a mess. I am stuck in a sexless marriage with no way out. I am jobless, loveless sexless.

Try looking at it from the glass half full point of view. You’re looking for work at least 4 hours a day, right? Then you have the rest of the day to work on yourself, your marriage, and spend time with the kid plus do whatever needs doing around the house.

I think you should try working on the sleeping arrangements and kissing. Sharing a bed and kissing are very intimate things. The closer and more intimate you are the stronger the bond. Might be a good place to start making repairs. Maybe start sleeping in the same bed, even if it means buying a new bed. Kiss goodnight every night, just a touch of the lips. Gradually move so that you are sleeping closer together. Then move on to touching. Just a leg or a foot or a hand. Once that’s accomplished move to cuddling and then to deeper kissing.

 

[Xantippe]

“One more thing. We don’t sleep in the same bed! Well, hardly ever. That’s party my fault. I don’t like to sleep with someone else. It’s partly her fault. She doesn’t like to sleep with me. She never said that outright. But you know.”

Yeah, that’s kind of a big deal. You shot yourself in the foot by deciding not to sleep in the same bed.

King bed?

“The wife always complains that sex was too long. I tried to shorten it. She liked it shorter. Although she says she can live without sex, she does enjoy it if I do the preliminarily right… if you know what I’m talking about. But she hardly kisses me.”

Do you have bad breath and/or dental issues you haven’t been taking care of?

“I used to dress so nice and take care of myself.”

Get back to doing that. It will be good for your job search, your self-esteem, and your relationship with your wife. Having a slobby unemployed husband is probably hard on her self-esteem and libido, too. Ask yourself, if you were a woman, would you want to kiss or have sex with you?

“My wife only looks good for church. Never for me!!!”

Once a week is a start.

“My life is a mess. I am stuck in a sexless marriage with no way out. I am jobless, loveless sexless.”

Talk to a priest and see about starting therapy.

Also, do at least one important project a day and tell your wife about it. (Example, clean your garage, clean the gutters, hang some pictures, do some important Christmas chores, etc.) Especially this time of year, you can make your wife’s life a lot easier if you try.

Best wishes!

 

[Zzyzx_Road]

He has to regenerate the attraction in his wife, be a man she can respect. Yes, St Paul commands wives to respect their husbands, but in a case like this, it’s easy to see why that is difficult for the wife to do. Women prefer men who have their stuff handled.

I still say generating sufficient income needs to be his main mission on a daily basis. If not via a regular job, what else could he do for income? That said, there is time on the side to work on the relationship. Not treating himself like a slob would be an excellent start. Time to work out, be fit, be clean, be groomed. Take care of the little things while working the interpersonal.

 

[MainBrain]

**Sad update. I might have to delete my posts here.

We finally had sex. First time in months. She was very tired. She was shaky. She said I took too long. We did not finish. She complained. She ended up saying she didn’t like it. She ended up saying it was torture! I ended up telling her what a fool I was for staying in a relationship where I am talked to like that. She tried to apologize. But I ended up yelling. Then I yelled at my kid when I picked her up from her friends house. Of course, she does not know why. The said fact is, this marriage is doomed. I should get a divorce. But I can’t keep a job so I am trapped. Once again I am the fool I always was. This is nothing new for me. I’m a fool. She hates sex, and it’s torture. I’m a fool. I should get out but I can’t.

Oh, I said a few other stupid things that I will spare the group from. Like how I should just go out and… yes, stupid. **

 

[MainBrain]

He has to regenerate the attraction in his wife, be a man she can respect. Yes, St Paul commands wives to respect their husbands, but in a case like this, it’s easy to see why that is difficult for the wife to do. Women prefer men who have their stuff handled.

I still say generating sufficient income needs to be his main mission on a daily basis. If not via a regular job, what else could he do for income? That said, there is time on the side to work on the relationship. Not treating himself like a slob would be an excellent start. Time to work out, be fit, be clean, be groomed. Take care of the little things while working the interpersonal.

I’m a slob because she’s always been the slob. Honest. She rubbed off on me no the other way around. Sad, but true.

 

[Rau]

**Sad update. I might have to delete my posts here.

We finally had sex. First time in months. She was very tired. She was shaky. She said I took too long. We did not finish. She complained. She ended up saying she didn’t like it. She ended up saying it was torture! I ended up telling her what a fool I was for staying in a relationship where I am talked to like that. She tried to apologize. But I ended up yelling. Then I yelled at my kid when I picked her up from her friends house. Of course, she does not know why. The said fact is, this marriage is doomed. I should get a divorce. But I can’t keep a job so I am trapped. Once again I am the fool I always was. This is nothing new for me. I’m a fool. She hates sex, and it’s torture. I’m a fool. I should get out but I can’t.

Oh, I said a few other stupid things that I will spare the group from. Like how I should just go out and… yes, stupid. **

How did this sex come about? Explain her “torture”? Does this refer to physical pain?

I get the impression that you two have not had calm, meaningful conversations about this issue, for you have shared very little of your wife’s perspective and thoughts.

 

[Rau]

I’m a slob because she’s always been the slob. Honest.

Sorry, I don’t understand what that means.

 

[MainBrain]

How did this sex come about? Explain her “torture”? Does this refer to physical pain?

I get the impression that you two have not had calm, meaningful conversations about this issue, for you have shared very little of your wife’s perspective and thoughts.

I am guessing my wife has hormonal or medical problems. I am not exactly sure.
Yes, our sex life has always been a source of discourse.
I talked to her today calmly and said I would like to have sex. I JOKED AROUND but she still refused. But later she said okay. So we attempted to have sex.
When she says “torture” I am guessing she does not enjoy it. She is just waiting for me to finish. I am getting nervous. I sure hope this does not show up in a search engine. lol

UPDATE: SHE JUST APOLOGIZED!! Perhaps there is hope.

 

[MainBrain]

Sorry, I don’t understand what that means.

Sorry how it sounded. I was always the one who liked to dress nice. She was never someone who tried to dress nice. Just before we got married she made an effort. So I ended up dressing down after we got married. I guess you can say she rubbed off on me. I know that sounds terrible. I don’t mean it to sound like that. She has many awesome qualities.

 

[Rau]

I am guessing my wife has hormonal or medical problems. I am not exactly sure.
Yes, our sex life has always been a source of discourse.
I talked to her today calmly and said I would like to have sex. I JOKED AROUND but she still refused. But later she said okay. So we attempted to have sex.
When she says “torture” I am guessing she does not enjoy it. She is just waiting for me to finish. I am getting nervous. I sure hope this does not show up in a search engine. lol

UPDATE: SHE JUST APOLOGIZED!! Perhaps there is hope.

Apology is good. But, you need to understand what she means by “torture”. Bored, feeling not much, is one thing - but torture? If physical discomfort, that can be addressed, either through simple means, or by medical treatment. You need to get past “guessing”. Anything else needs to be explored carefully through discussion, or counselling.

What type of job does your wide do?

 

[MainBrain]

Apology is good. But, you need to understand what she means by “torture”. Bored, feeling not much, is one thing - but torture? If physical discomfort, that can be addressed, either through simple means, or by medical treatment. You need to get past “guessing”. Anything else needs to be explored carefully through discussion, or counselling.

What type of job does your wide do?

I don’t want to get into detail about what type of job my wife does. I don’t want to reveal too much. But she is very intelligent and educated. She’s very accomplished.

She gave me a hug and said she was sorry again. I told her we needed help. She agreed.

One more thing. She’s always blaming me for things that goes wrong. It doesn’t matter if I have nothing to do with it. She just assumes I did something wrong and not her. It’s really difficult.