Sexless Marriage?

[fpt]

The conjugal bed is very important. The conjugal bed is an invention of the catholic Church: when I say an invention, I want to mean an explanation of the natural law of marriage that is, only, recognised by the catholic church.

For saying the things very clearly, the conjugal bed is normal and natural. That is the normal and natural rule, it is the principle, and of course there are exceptions, but they are, only, some exceptions. The exceptions are not the rule. Be careful, be careful.

She should visit a catholic sexologist, a catholic psychiatrist, a catholic psychologist and a catholic medical doctor in female sexology for her sexual pains and for her own sexual issues in order to solve her conjugal sexual problematics.

 

[Xantippe]

MainBrain said:

“She ended up saying she didn’t like it. She ended up saying it was torture!”

If she’s got physical pain, work on that end–get her to an OB/GYN and start following a plan of treatment.

“She’s always blaming me for things that goes wrong. It doesn’t matter if I have nothing to do with it. She just assumes I did something wrong and not her. It’s really difficult.”

Now that is a big deal. When you start counseling with her, that should be the main course.

 

[severus68]

**Sad update. I might have to delete my posts here.

We finally had sex. First time in months. She was very tired. She was shaky. She said I took too long. We did not finish. She complained. She ended up saying she didn’t like it. She ended up saying it was torture! I ended up telling her what a fool I was for staying in a relationship where I am talked to like that. She tried to apologize. But I ended up yelling. Then I yelled at my kid when I picked her up from her friends house. Of course, she does not know why. The said fact is, this marriage is doomed. I should get a divorce. But I can’t keep a job so I am trapped. Once again I am the fool I always was. This is nothing new for me. I’m a fool. She hates sex, and it’s torture. I’m a fool. I should get out but I can’t.

Oh, I said a few other stupid things that I will spare the group from. Like how I should just go out and… yes, stupid. **

You said in an earlier post that you were never that attracted to your wife. Perhaps, she sensed that.

She was very tired and shaky. Did you ask why? Were you concerned? She said it was torture. Was she in pain? Did you ask her?

You yelled at your child. Perhaps you should think about your child in all this.

You say you are trapped in the marriage because you can’t keep a job. So are you saying you would leave if you had money? Not a good reason for marriage.

You should speak to a priest about all this and he should be able to give you some perspective.

Sex and money is not the basis of marriage. You want to leave it because of your lack of sex and you re staying because of your lack of money.

 

[MJJean]

**Sad update. I might have to delete my posts here.

We finally had sex. First time in months. She was very tired. She was shaky. She said I took too long. We did not finish. She complained. She ended up saying she didn’t like it. She ended up saying it was torture! I ended up telling her what a fool I was for staying in a relationship where I am talked to like that. She tried to apologize. But I ended up yelling. Then I yelled at my kid when I picked her up from her friends house. Of course, she does not know why. The said fact is, this marriage is doomed. I should get a divorce. But I can’t keep a job so I am trapped. Once again I am the fool I always was. This is nothing new for me. I’m a fool. She hates sex, and it’s torture. I’m a fool. I should get out but I can’t.

Oh, I said a few other stupid things that I will spare the group from. Like how I should just go out and… yes, stupid. **

I am guessing my wife has hormonal or medical problems. I am not exactly sure.
Yes, our sex life has always been a source of discourse.
I talked to her today calmly and said I would like to have sex. I JOKED AROUND but she still refused. But later she said okay. So we attempted to have sex.
When she says “torture” I am guessing she does not enjoy it. She is just waiting for me to finish. I am getting nervous. I sure hope this does not show up in a search engine. lol

UPDATE: SHE JUST APOLOGIZED!! Perhaps there is hope.

Has sex always been “torture” for her? Is this something that is physical or mental or both? You two really need to sit down and have a calm brutally honest talk about this issue and then head to a doctor and a therapist.

If the problem is physical it has most likely caused her to view sex as a bad thing. Even assuming she is treated and any physical issues disappear she will still have to learn how to change her way of viewing sex from a bad thing to a good thing.

Being angry isn’t going to help. You sound like you truly love your wife and don’t want to leave the marriage, but that you cannot continue to live feeling unloved and not sharing physical and emotional intimacy with her. So, stop getting angry and get determined to fix the problem.

Also, really try to separate feeling negative thoughts and emotions caused by unemployment from what’s going on in your marriage. When my DH spent 6 months unemployed he blamed a lot of his negative feelings on our relationship. It wasn’t us, it was him feeling depressed, helpless, hopeless, and useless due to being unemployed. Sure, we have our issues just like every other married couple. But being unemployed made mountains out of molehills. Not that your wife’s sexual problems are molehills, but perhaps you are seeing other relationship issues as being bigger than they are. And perhaps you are not doing as much as you could to fix the sexual problems and encourage her to fix the sexual problems because you are just in a blue funk and aren’t able to feel any hope or optimism. Which is necessary to fixing the sexual problem. You have to believe that it can be fixed and that things can get better and that you and your wife can have normal relations for the two of you to make it work.

 

[Mijwash]

This is a serious question.
What is a husband to do when he finds himself in a sexless marriage?
Is he to suffer for the rest of his life and offer it up?
I don’t see that as a viable alternative in the long run. He’s bound to fall.

 

[crenfro]

Hello.

:console:

Here is a prayer. Maybe it’ll help. I’d also suggest counseling for your whole family. Please pray for me.

St. Pio Prayer of Trust & Confidence

O Lord, we ask for a boundless confidence and trust in Your divine mercy, and the courage to accept the crosses and sufferings which bring immense goodness to our souls and that of Your Church.

Help us to love You with a pure and contrite heart, and to humble ourselves beneath Your cross, as we climb the mountain of holiness, carrying our cross that leads to heavenly glory.

May we receive You with great faith and love in Holy Communion, and allow You to act in us, as You desire, for Your greater glory.

O Jesus, most adorable heart and eternal fountain of Divine Love, may our prayer find favor before the Divine Majesty of Your Heavenly Father. Amen.

 

[MainBrain]

HELP!!! Nothing has changed! My wife still HATES SEX! It’s been months! I don’t know what to do.

She doesn’t want to see a therapist. I have suggested it several times. She is impossible!!!

Has sex always been “torture” for her? Is this something that is physical or mental or both? You two really need to sit down and have a calm brutally honest talk about this issue and then head to a doctor and a therapist.

If the problem is physical it has most likely caused her to view sex as a bad thing. Even assuming she is treated and any physical issues disappear she will still have to learn how to change her way of viewing sex from a bad thing to a good thing.

Being angry isn’t going to help. You sound like you truly love your wife and don’t want to leave the marriage, but that you cannot continue to live feeling unloved and not sharing physical and emotional intimacy with her. So, stop getting angry and get determined to fix the problem.

Also, really try to separate feeling negative thoughts and emotions caused by unemployment from what’s going on in your marriage. When my DH spent 6 months unemployed he blamed a lot of his negative feelings on our relationship. It wasn’t us, it was him feeling depressed, helpless, hopeless, and useless due to being unemployed. Sure, we have our issues just like every other married couple. But being unemployed made mountains out of molehills. Not that your wife’s sexual problems are molehills, but perhaps you are seeing other relationship issues as being bigger than they are. And perhaps you are not doing as much as you could to fix the sexual problems and encourage her to fix the sexual problems because you are just in a blue funk and aren’t able to feel any hope or optimism. Which is necessary to fixing the sexual problem. You have to believe that it can be fixed and that things can get better and that you and your wife can have normal relations for the two of you to make it work.

 

[MainBrain]

She doesn’t want to see a therapist. I have suggested it several times. She is impossible!!!

Has sex always been “torture” for her? Is this something that is physical or mental or both? You two really need to sit down and have a calm brutally honest talk about this issue and then head to a doctor and a therapist.

If the problem is physical it has most likely caused her to view sex as a bad thing. Even assuming she is treated and any physical issues disappear she will still have to learn how to change her way of viewing sex from a bad thing to a good thing.

Being angry isn’t going to help. You sound like you truly love your wife and don’t want to leave the marriage, but that you cannot continue to live feeling unloved and not sharing physical and emotional intimacy with her. So, stop getting angry and get determined to fix the problem.

Also, really try to separate feeling negative thoughts and emotions caused by unemployment from what’s going on in your marriage. When my DH spent 6 months unemployed he blamed a lot of his negative feelings on our relationship. It wasn’t us, it was him feeling depressed, helpless, hopeless, and useless due to being unemployed. Sure, we have our issues just like every other married couple. But being unemployed made mountains out of molehills. Not that your wife’s sexual problems are molehills, but perhaps you are seeing other relationship issues as being bigger than they are. And perhaps you are not doing as much as you could to fix the sexual problems and encourage her to fix the sexual problems because you are just in a blue funk and aren’t able to feel any hope or optimism. Which is necessary to fixing the sexual problem. You have to believe that it can be fixed and that things can get better and that you and your wife can have normal relations for the two of you to make it work.

 

[Rau]

HELP!!! Nothing has changed! My wife still HATES SEX! It’s been months! I don’t know what to do.

She doesn’t want to see a therapist. I have suggested it several times. She is impossible!!!

I fear Your posts are not going to produce any useful advice as you are yet to answer many questions put to you. Eg. I still don’t know whether the “torture” she says she experiences during sex is physical pain, psychological pain, or mere boredom. You don’t wish to tell us anything about your wife’s life outside the home.

You don’t yet seem to have had a serious talk with your wife about this issue, or if you have, you are not sharing the detail here.

 

[MainBrain]

I fear Your posts are not going to produce any useful advice as you are yet to answer many questions put to you. Eg. I still don’t know whether the “torture” she says she experiences during sex is physical pain, psychological pain, or mere boredom. You don’t wish to tell us anything about your wife’s life outside the home.

You don’t yet seem to have had a serious talk with your wife about this issue, or if you have, you are not sharing the detail here.

Okay I will respond to all questions asked in this thread.
I HAVE HAD A SERIOUS talk with my wife. She says she will try but it’s the same old thing. She asks me not to ask for sex for a days so I don’t. But when I do she is only partially willing but I see how unhappy she is about it. This is scary.

Now I will go over the questions asked and respond.

 

[The_Bucket]

But when I do she is only partially willing but I see how unhappy she is about it.

Whoa, whoa, whoa… now who is making the assumptions? She is only “partially willing?” Well yeah I mean if she has had negative experiences or an underlying psychological condition, of course she’s only going to be hesitant. To be honest, any willingness should be taken as understanding that she loves you, understands this is important and wants to make it work.

Maybe you really should look at yourself! Look at the comments you made in December. Have you found a job? Did you lose that weight? Are you dressing sharper and boosting your own feeling of self-worth? How is your relationship with God?

Your sex life is likely stumbling because you are stumbling in general. You feel bad about yourself, you carry yourself with a poor disposition and it rubs off.

It seems more like you are both in a major funk and the sex life stuff is a symptom. Or there’s way more to it since you admitted in December that you were not actually very attracted to your wife when you first got married. All kinds of moving parts here.

But can I suggest that you’d probably see improvement in your life if you… well… took steps to improve your life! You can’t control your wife’s behavior, but you can control your own and how you view your own life. Get out there and get that job. Lose that weight. Spend time with your child. Build your relationship with God. In time you will see yourself as God sees you; as His beloved son. And then you will find that you will be grateful for everything you have and not envious of what “could be.” I’m not saying that it’s a magic fix for your sex life and yes, there might still be struggle there. Maybe a lot. But you’ll be less desperate, less frustrated and better able to deal with that situation with a clear head.

 

[MainBrain]

The Bucket HOW DARE YOU SO UNJUSTLY JUDGE ME!!!
For your information, I happen to find my wife VERY ATTRACTIVE NOW! She has gotten BETTER LOOKING AND SEXIER! And I tell her. BUT IT DOESN’T MEAN ANYTHING TO HER! She adores her boss! I wonder if I should be worried!!!

How dare you say get a job!!! I HAVE BEEN REJECTED TIME AND TIME AND TIME AND TIME AND TIME AGAIN!!! HOW DARE YOU!!!

Yes, I am going to the gyms! Yes, I spend time with my child! and YES, I LOOK IN THE MIRROR!!! I am always EXAMINING MYSELF AND GOING TO CONFESSION!!!

I SUGGEST YOU TRY ON A LITTLE HUMILITY AND STOP BEING SO PRESUMPTUOUS!!!

Whoa, whoa, whoa… now who is making the assumptions? She is only “partially willing?” Well yeah I mean if she has had negative experiences or an underlying psychological condition, of course she’s only going to be hesitant. To be honest, any willingness should be taken as understanding that she loves you, understands this is important and wants to make it work.

Maybe you really should look at yourself! Look at the comments you made in December. Have you found a job? Did you lose that weight? Are you dressing sharper and boosting your own feeling of self-worth? How is your relationship with God?

Your sex life is likely stumbling because you are stumbling in general. You feel bad about yourself, you carry yourself with a poor disposition and it rubs off.

It seems more like you are both in a major funk and the sex life stuff is a symptom. Or there’s way more to it since you admitted in December that you were not actually very attracted to your wife when you first got married. All kinds of moving parts here.

But can I suggest that you’d probably see improvement in your life if you… well… took steps to improve your life! You can’t control your wife’s behavior, but you can control your own and how you view your own life. Get out there and get that job. Lose that weight. Spend time with your child. Build your relationship with God. In time you will see yourself as God sees you; as His beloved son. And then you will find that you will be grateful for everything you have and not envious of what “could be.” I’m not saying that it’s a magic fix for your sex life and yes, there might still be struggle there. Maybe a lot. But you’ll be less desperate, less frustrated and better able to deal with that situation with a clear head.

 

[The_Bucket]

The Bucket HOW DARE YOU SO UNJUSTLY JUDGE ME!!!
For your information, I happen to find my wife VERY ATTRACTIVE NOW! She has gotten BETTER LOOKING AND SEXIER! And I tell her. BUT IT DOESN’T MEAN ANYTHING TO HER! She adores her boss! I wonder if I should be worried!!!

How dare you say get a job!!! I HAVE BEEN REJECTED TIME AND TIME AND TIME AND TIME AND TIME AGAIN!!! HOW DARE YOU!!!

Yes, I am going to the gyms! Yes, I spend time with my child! and YES, I LOOK IN THE MIRROR!!! I am always EXAMINING MYSELF AND GOING TO CONFESSION!!!

I SUGGEST YOU TRY ON A LITTLE HUMILITY AND STOP BEING SO PRESUMPTUOUS!!!

All caps… not helpful.

I’m not being presumptuous and if my words came off as harsh, I didn’t mean to. It was more pep-talk intended as opposed to judgment-intended. I’m not trying to be snarky or sarcastic here. I’ll save that for other threads.

I was more trying to point out that, seriously, there is nothing you can do to force your wife to change. She has to want it. All you can do, all any of us can do, is change our own behaviors and our own perceptions. That doesn’t solve your problems, I know, and yes I fully regard the situation as serious.

What changing your own situation can do is help you deal with this particular problem with a more level-headed approach. If you feel better about yourself, if you are “tighter” with God, if you have a better feeling of self-worth then you will not be begging or desperate. You might be sad. That would make sense. You would be sad that your wife and you are disconnected and you will have resolve to do what you can do to make it better. You might even be disheartened. But you will not be driven to the point where you lash out elsewhere or conclude that her issues with your intimate life is just another example of why you are worthless.

I can empathize and even sympathize to a certain extent. But my at times bumpy road with my wife is my own fault. I got into pornography, full-blown addiction and it tore a major rift into our relationship. I’ve been in recovery for almost two years now. I’m a different man now. Big time. She knows that. But there’s still a lot of wariness on her part. How could there not be? I was psychologically abusive. I lied to her, repeatedly. How can she know that my change is genuine? She can’t. Most of the time things are great. But sometimes those fears pop up and hits our sex life. It is very painful for me because it makes me feel rejected, makes me feel like all this work to let God mold me into a better man is for nothing… and reminds me that this is all my fault and that I badly I hurt her.

In your case, you may have done nothing. Which in some ways is worse and in some ways it’s better. At least once you have rebuilt your own feelings of self worth you can just feel sad for her but confident knowing that it is her issue and you did not make her the way she is. In my case, I know I’m the reason she is hesitant. I know I caused that pain. I know there is nothing I can do to help her fully heal. I know she may never fully heal, in fact. I’m forgiven, but I doubt she’ll ever forget. That is my fault and I must deal with the consequences. All I can do is remind myself of that while also not beating myself up over it. It helps me deal with these hiccups as patiently as I can, though I am of course not perfect!

 

[MainBrain]

All caps… not helpful.

I’m not being presumptuous and if my words came off as harsh, I didn’t mean to. It was more pep-talk intended as opposed to judgment-intended. I’m not trying to be snarky or sarcastic here. I’ll save that for other threads.

I was more trying to point out that, seriously, there is nothing you can do to force your wife to change. She has to want it. All you can do, all any of us can do, is change our own behaviors and our own perceptions. That doesn’t solve your problems, I know, and yes I fully regard the situation as serious.

What changing your own situation can do is help you deal with this particular problem with a more level-headed approach. If you feel better about yourself, if you are “tighter” with God, if you have a better feeling of self-worth then you will not be begging or desperate. You might be sad. That would make sense. You would be sad that your wife and you are disconnected and you will have resolve to do what you can do to make it better. You might even be disheartened. But you will not be driven to the point where you lash out elsewhere or conclude that her issues with your intimate life is just another example of why you are worthless.

I can empathize and even sympathize to a certain extent. But my at times bumpy road with my wife is my own fault. I got into pornography, full-blown addiction and it tore a major rift into our relationship. I’ve been in recovery for almost two years now. I’m a different man now. Big time. She knows that. But there’s still a lot of wariness on her part. How could there not be? I was psychologically abusive. I lied to her, repeatedly. How can she know that my change is genuine? She can’t. Most of the time things are great. But sometimes those fears pop up and hits our sex life. It is very painful for me because it makes me feel rejected, makes me feel like all this work to let God mold me into a better man is for nothing… and reminds me that this is all my fault and that I badly I hurt her.

**In your case, you may have done nothing. **Which in some ways is worse and in some ways it’s better. At least once you have rebuilt your own feelings of self worth you can just feel sad for her but confident knowing that it is her issue and you did not make her the way she is. In my case, I know I’m the reason she is hesitant. I know I caused that pain. I know there is nothing I can do to help her fully heal. I know she may never fully heal, in fact. I’m forgiven, but I doubt she’ll ever forget. That is my fault and I must deal with the consequences. All I can do is remind myself of that while also not beating myself up over it. It helps me deal with these hiccups as patiently as I can, though I am of course not perfect!

WHAT??? You don’t know the things I have tried!
Or did I misunderstand you. Do you mean I have done nothing to get this rejection from my wife, or, I have done nothing to improve myself.

 

[fpt]

In reality, the wife has to try to make a sexual effort and also a sexual sacrifice in favor of her husband. She has to attempt to force herself, sexually speaking, for trying to solve this issue. Normally speaking, the sensual pleasures, the erotic pleasures, the sexual stimulations, the sexual excitations, the sexual physical reactions of female body are here for her. Normally speaking, she should enjoy and be happy of these sexual physical emotions.

The foreplay, the sensual foreplay, the erotic foreplay, the sexual foreplay on all her body and on her erogenous parts of her body are very important. You need to touch her body very sensually, very tenderly, very softly, and like a man (the mix between virility and the softness). Focus on the touchings, the massages, the caresses, the kissings, the suctions, the licks, on all her body, in her favor. In general, the wife likes sexual fantasy. Sometimes concerning physical love, the wife must be pushed a little bit, by her husband, in the love and the tenderness, with some manhood.

“But when I do she is only partially willing but I see how unhappy she is about it. This is scary”. !!!

“she is only partially willing”, it is a first step, that is a first victory. A part of herself is ready, it is better than in the past.

 

[MtnDwellar]

Hmmm. I was thinking along the same line as Bucket.

I will say that you can’t change your wife. You can only change yourself. God expects you to fulfill your state in life to the best of your ability. So, be the best man, husband and father that you can be.

It is sometimes overlooked that we men are the spiritual leaders of our families. Our family members need our prayers. We have to pray and sacrifice on their behalf. Men need to be willing to do that which painful or arduous on behalf of our wives and children. We may have to raise them up by our example.

Do these things and your problems will improve.

 

[MainBrain]

In reality, the wife has to try to make a sexual effort and also a sexual sacrifice in favor of her husband. She has to attempt to force herself, sexually speaking, for trying to solve this issue. Normally speaking, the sensual pleasures, the erotic pleasures, the sexual stimulations, the sexual excitations, the sexual physical reactions of female body are here for her. Normally speaking, she should enjoy and be happy of these sexual physical emotions.

The foreplay, the sensual foreplay, the erotic foreplay, the sexual foreplay on all her body and on her erogenous parts of her body are very important. You need to touch her body very sensually, very tenderly, very softly, and like a man (the mix between virility and the softness). Focus on the touchings, the massages, the caresses, the kissings, the suctions, the licks, on all her body, in her favor. In general, the wife likes sexual fantasy. Sometimes concerning physical love, the wife must be pushed a little bit, by her husband, in the love and the tenderness, with some manhood.

“But when I do she is only partially willing but I see how unhappy she is about it. This is scary”. !!!

“she is only partially willing”, it is a first step, that is a first victory. A part of herself is ready, it is better than in the past.

fpt thank you so much for a thoughtful reply!! Yes, I wanted to touch her gently. I wanted to do foreplay because I know it was the only way she would enjoy the sex. But she REFUSED TO ALLOW ME TO DO THAT! She used to allow me. But not now.

Hmmm. I was thinking along the same line as Bucket.

I will say that you can’t change your wife. You can only change yourself. God expects you to fulfill your state in life to the best of your ability. So, be the best man, husband and father that you can be.

It is sometimes overlooked that we men are the spiritual leaders of our families. Our family members need our prayers. We have to pray and sacrifice on their behalf. Men need to be willing to do that which painful or arduous on behalf of our wives and children. We may have to raise them up by our example.

Do these things and your problems will improve.

Yeah well I have done them and they haven’t improved! No one will hire me. Even when I do work it’s still the same… begging for sex. You guys don’t know how I try in all these things.

 

[fpt]

fpt thank you so much for a thoughtful reply!! Yes, I wanted to touch her gently. I wanted to do foreplay because I know it was the only way she would enjoy the sex. But she REFUSED TO ALLOW ME TO DO THAT! She used to allow me. But not now.

Yeah well I have done them and they haven’t improved! No one will hire me. Even when I do work it’s still the same… begging for sex. You guys don’t know how I try in all these things.

She needs to talk to two priests (a confessor and a spiritual director).

 

[MainBrain]

She needs to talk to two priests (a confessor and a spiritual director).

She’s a Protestant.

 

[fpt]

She’s a Protestant.

Could you talk with her protestant pastor??? Does she agree with the fact of talking with him?