Sexless Marriage

[emilybarrassed]

My husband has emotional issues from his childhood and doesn’t know how to have a physical relationship with me. We are in counseling with our Priest and with a Catholic counselor but it still looks as though we won’t have any intimacy for a long time to come, if ever.

This is devastating for me and I’m looking for advice, maybe a suggestion for a particular saint to pray to, or a prayer that may be helpful. Also, if anyone can say a prayer for me and my husband, I would be grateful.

 

[AussieTrish]

Emily I’m sad for you both and will pray for you.
I looked up sites in case anything was helpful
but as for your husband’s problem does he know why and could knowing why he has this problem help?
Can you handle life without natural relations and without children? I hope God will guide and help you both. This site has some thoughts that could be considered if mutually desired canonlawmadeeasy.com/2013/12/19/canon-law-and-consummating-a-marriage/

I will keep you and your husband in prayers and Masses that you will both receive healing and blessing according to God’s loving will.

Beatified saints Louis and Zellie Martin, the parents of Saint Therese, at first chose to live as brother and sister but a priest advised them not to continue in this way but to be open to life. Their intercession could be valuable.

carmelite.com/saints/default.cfm?loadref=111
Below, St Therese of Lisieux’ parents, Blessed Louis and Blessed Zelie

 

[DaisymaeD]

How long have you been married? Have you had sex yet? Was there a time you were having sex regularly? Do you have children yet?

Low male sexual desire can be a really tricky thing. Your DH already knows he’s not in the normal range, so that’s no doubt adding to his stress. You’re in counseling, that’s good!

In the mean time, you need to turn your attention to other parts of your life. Develop a skill, take a class, hangout with your friends. Don’t sit around brooding over the situation. Although your husbands issues seem pretty significant, men still generally like to be the pursuers. In other words, don’t chase after him, and don’t be TOO available. You don’t need to dress up special every night in the hopes you might get lucky. Try to take a laid back attitude, if you can.

I’ll pray for you

 

[emilybarrassed]

Emily I’m sad for you both and will pray for you.
I looked up sites in case anything was helpful
but as for your husband’s problem does he know why and could knowing why he has this problem help?
Can you handle life without natural relations and without children? I hope God will guide and help you both. This site has some thoughts that could be considered if mutually desired canonlawmadeeasy.com/2013/12/19/canon-law-and-consummating-a-marriage/

I will keep you and your husband in prayers and Masses that you will both receive healing and blessing according to God’s loving will.

Beatified saints Louis and Zellie Martin, the parents of Saint Therese, at first chose to live as brother and sister but a priest advised them not to continue in this way but to be open to life. Their intercession could be valuable.

carmelite.com/saints/default.cfm?loadref=111

Thank you for responding and for the advice about saints Louis and Zellie Martin. I will pray for their intercession today.

Our marriage has been consummated and I do not desire anything like a Josephite marriage. It kills me every night to get in bed with my husband and just go to sleep. I love him so much and want to give my love to him but he will not accept it. Thank you for the prayers.

 

[emilybarrassed]

How long have you been married? Have you had sex yet? Was there a time you were having sex regularly? Do you have children yet?

Low male sexual desire can be a really tricky thing. Your DH already knows he’s not in the normal range, so that’s no doubt adding to his stress. You’re in counseling, that’s good!

In the mean time, you need to turn your attention to other parts of your life. Develop a skill, take a class, hangout with your friends. Don’t sit around brooding over the situation. Although your husbands issues seem pretty significant, men still generally like to be the pursuers. In other words, don’t chase after him, and don’t be TOO available. You don’t need to dress up special every night in the hopes you might get lucky. Try to take a laid back attitude, if you can.

I’ll pray for you

We will be married 14 years this year. We have had sex but never on a regular basis. Unfortunately, we had sex before marriage but as soon as he asked me to marry him, it was like a light switch turned off. All intimacy went away overnight. I confronted him about it and he said it was because be wanted to stop until we were married and not be tempted. This was good for me b/c I had wanted to wait for marriage. But then he did not want to have sex on our wedding night. We consummated the marriage within a few days of the wedding but it was reluctant on his part. I initiated marriage counseling very early into our first year of marriage and we’ve been in and out of counseling ever since.

We do have children, 3. It is NOT easy to have 3 children with a man who does not want to have sex. Many times, years have passed with no sex at all. My youngest is 4 and I’m now officially “advanced maternal age” and this is very very hard for me as I have wanted a large family my whole life. This is one of the major things I am struggling with right now. It’s so hard not to feel bitterness for the fact that I have no baby in my arms.

My husband was a victim of covert incest. Basically his mom treated him as a surrogate spouse but there was no physical relationship. It was all emotional so his mom could get her needs met as the dad was emotionally unavailable. So now my husband had a Madonna/whore thing going on. The only spousal relationship he knows is the one he had with his mom so he treats me like I am his mom. He spent most of our marriage taking care of his own physical needs through porn/masturbation. Now it has been about a year and a half since he has done any self-pleasure. Instead be just completely shut his sexuality off. He doesn’t now know to order love properly even though we have studied TOB. He may have a personality disorder, we aren’t sure yet. Sorry this is so long…I don’t know how to say it concisely which is why I left the details out of the OP.

Thank you for the advice about getting a skill. You are right. In the past when I have been more involved in other things, it didn’t bother me as much. I will work on that.

 

[DaisymaeD]

I forgot to ask, has he seen a medical doctor? There could be a physical component.

Also, emotional abuse as a child can leave a person with serious control issues–if he felt controlled by overbearing parents, for instance, he might be afraid of ever being “controlled” again. He might feel the need to control your sex life, and possibly other aspects of your marriage, too.

Do you have to go to bed with your husband every night? You might be in a rut of coming home from work, eat dinner, watch some TV, go to bed. He knows where you are at every moment and what to expect. For example, Maybe you could try going to bed earlier than him with a good book, and be asleep when he comes to bed. If he’s used to you trying to angle for sex most nights this will be different and unexpected.

And don’t mention sex at all. Be careful how you frame things. For instance, You’re in counseling to help your marriage–not to make him more sexual. If control issues are part of his problem, it’s too easy for him to say “no” to your requests for sex to assert his own power.

I would also bet there are issues with the inlaws.

 

[DaisymaeD]

Oh yeah, I just read your last post and it’s amazing how much damage can happen when you’re the substitute spouse for an unhappy parent (I was the substitute spouse for BOTH my parents. Yeah, it left its mark.).

Congratulations on your three kids–maybe part of his decreased sex drive is fear of getting you pregnant.

I’m really praying for both of you. Sounds like you both have so much pain to deal with.

 

[emilybarrassed]

He has been to a medical dr and had a full work up. Everything checks out fine.

I haven’t angled for sex in many years. The only time I have ever requested sex was when were were actively TTC which last was 5 years ago. I have absolutely no self esteem left and wouldn’t even dream of expecting him to want to have sex with me at this point. He made it clear very early in our marriage that it was a turn off for me to initiate anything physical with him so I never really have unless you count the methodical notification that I was ovulating when we both agree to TTC.

My husband gets up extremely early for work so he goes to bed before me. I have other duties I have to attend to with the kids and stuff before I can join him in bed. I have spent literally years worth of nights sleeping on the couch but it’s uncomfortable there.

He wasn’t controlled by his parents. His mom literally let him do whatever he wanted and never told him he was wrong in his entire childhood. She basically worshiped him. She did all of his homework for him. He never read one book. She read his books and wrote his book reports for him. She severely favored him over his other siblings and never required him to do anything. I wonder of that is even worse than controlling parents?

 

[emilybarrassed]

Oh yeah, I just read your last post and it’s amazing how much damage can happen when you’re the substitute spouse for an unhappy parent (I was the substitute spouse for BOTH my parents. Yeah, it left its mark.).

Congratulations on your three kids–maybe part of his decreased sex drive is fear of getting you pregnant.

I’m really praying for both of you. Sounds like you both have so much pain to deal with.

I’m sorry that you had to endure that from your parents. How did you overcome?

My husband wants more kids too. There have been brief periods of time where he has been able to have sex, for example a year and a half ago, he had an amazing period of relief from his issues after he returned to the Sacrament of Reconciliation. Some time later, he was able to have relations with me on and off for a few months. He would get so happy if he could during my fertile period and was visibly upset when I got negative pregnancy tests. We haven’t had any intimacy since that time.

And FWIW, his sex drive hasn’t really decreased. Up until he stopped the porn, it was still high. Now he just shut it off. It’s in there somewhere. He told me today that he is afraid to think or feel sexual thoughts because he fears he will lust after me and lust is wrong.

 

[petra22]

We will be married 14 years this year. We have had sex but never on a regular basis. Unfortunately, we had sex before marriage but as soon as he asked me to marry him, it was like a light switch turned off. All intimacy went away overnight. I confronted him about it and he said it was because be wanted to stop until we were married and not be tempted. This was good for me b/c I had wanted to wait for marriage. But then he did not want to have sex on our wedding night. We consummated the marriage within a few days of the wedding but it was reluctant on his part. I initiated marriage counseling very early into our first year of marriage and we’ve been in and out of counseling ever since.

We do have children, 3. It is NOT easy to have 3 children with a man who does not want to have sex. Many times, years have passed with no sex at all. My youngest is 4 and I’m now officially “advanced maternal age” and this is very very hard for me as I have wanted a large family my whole life. This is one of the major things I am struggling with right now. It’s so hard not to feel bitterness for the fact that I have no baby in my arms.

I wanted a large family too. We have one daughter. Different reasons from yours, but I understand your disappointment. I guess I want to say be thankful for the children you have and don’t let this line of thinking bring you down. Rejoice in the Lord, for He is good. His love is everlasting…

I’ll keep you in my prayers. Hope things get better for you and your husband.

 

[hsmomforlife]

I’. He told me today that he is afraid to think or feel sexual thoughts because he fears he will lust after me and lust is wrong.

Maybe I’m crazy (ok, I am, but bear with me here…) but lusting after your spouse is not wrong…lusting after my husband is the only ‘right’ way to lust IMHO He’s my husband…and if I’m going to lust…best that I lust after my husband…no!!!
Sounds like your hubby is confusing LUST with normal healthy husband and wife sexual attraction.
Your DH needs a good Catholic counselor to help him understand and correctly classify sexual thoughts. Apparently there has been some confusion about what is OK and healthy natural sexuality, and what is not…
You are right to vent your frustrations here…I can relate!
but…IMHO…no one here can really help you other than by pointing you to find face to face resources that might help you and your husband.

 

[emilybarrassed]

I wanted a large family too. We have one daughter. Different reasons from yours, but I understand your disappointment. I guess I want to say be thankful for the children you have and don’t let this line of thinking bring you down. Rejoice in the Lord, for He is good. His love is everlasting…

I’ll keep you in my prayers. Hope things get better for you and your husband.

Thank you for your prayers.

I’m not sure how to take the other part of your post. Don’t let this line of reasoning being me down? I wish it were that simple. This has effected every ounce of my being. It has brought me down so low. Imagine never being accepted by your spouse but rather in a constant state of rejection. I feel attacked and abused. It’s so terrible that it is beginning to manifest physically with multiple autoimmune diseases and multiple other unexplainable health issues. It effects every aspect of my life and the one that hurts the most is not having the continued life that comes from continued love. I am thankful for my kids. Even they ask for more siblings. It is a loss for them too.

 

[emilybarrassed]

Maybe I’m crazy (ok, I am, but bear with me here…) but lusting after your spouse is not wrong…lusting after my husband is the only ‘right’ way to lust IMHO He’s my husband…and if I’m going to lust…best that I lust after my husband…no!!!
Sounds like your hubby is confusing LUST with normal healthy husband and wife sexual attraction.
Your DH needs a good Catholic counselor to help him understand and correctly classify sexual thoughts. Apparently there has been some confusion about what is OK and healthy natural sexuality, and what is not…
You are right to vent your frustrations here…I can relate!
but…IMHO…no one here can really help you other than by pointing you to find face to face resources that might help you and your husband.

Yes, this is the problem. He does have a good Catholic counselor but his issues are so great, that we haven’t been able to overcome this part yet. I’m wondering if he ever will be able to. He can’t even talk to me about sex without major anxiety.

 

[tawny]

My husband has emotional issues from his childhood and doesn’t know how to have a physical relationship with me. We are in counseling with our Priest and with a Catholic counselor but it still looks as though we won’t have any intimacy for a long time to come, if ever.

This is devastating for me and I’m looking for advice, maybe a suggestion for a particular saint to pray to, or a prayer that may be helpful. Also, if anyone can say a prayer for me and my husband, I would be grateful.

Praying for you & your husband and your intentions.

 

[emilybarrassed]

Praying for you & your husband and your intentions.

Thank you.

 

[fpt]

My husband has emotional issues from his childhood and doesn’t know how to have a physical relationship with me. We are in counseling with our Priest and with a Catholic counselor but it still looks as though we won’t have any intimacy for a long time to come, if ever.

This is devastating for me and I’m looking for advice, maybe a suggestion for a particular saint to pray to, or a prayer that may be helpful. Also, if anyone can say a prayer for me and my husband, I would be grateful.

Your husband has the moral obligation to visit some catholic medical doctors, some catholic psychologists,** some catholic psychiatrists**, some catholic sexologists, some catholic philosophers, some catholic theologians, some catholic lawyers of Canon law in order to help him and in order to help your own couple.

To identify his different problematics:** what are his psychological issues? what are his mental issues? what are his moral issues? what are his religious issues? what are his spiritual issues? what physical issues? what are his issues of the conjugal relationship with his own wife…**…

About the marital act and about the fact of making one flesh with the sexual cooperation, in the human fashion???

His sexual obligations, and his sexual duties??? His treatments for solving his conjugal physical issues??? Your own conjugal rights of wife on him and on his body??.
The question of the possible declaration of nullity for legitimate reasons, only, as a mental electroshock? You have rights coming from the natural moral law about the validity of your marriage???

 

[fpt]

My husband has emotional issues from his childhood and doesn’t know how to have a physical relationship with me. We are in counseling with our Priest and with a Catholic counselor but it still looks as though we won’t have any intimacy for a long time to come, if ever.

This is devastating for me and I’m looking for advice, maybe a suggestion for a particular saint to pray to, or a prayer that may be helpful. Also, if anyone can say a prayer for me and my husband, I would be grateful.

Pray God, Jesus, Holy Virgin, Saint Joseph and your keeper angel for your own couple, for your husband, for you and for your conjugal sex life;

Discuss with catholic specialists for trying to find out solutions and treatments , and for having information about your rights and Co.

Discuss honestly with your husband? What are his deep problematics? Who is he, in reality? Does he have the desire to try to find out some solutions? What is his desire, his hope and his will about his sexual conjugal future with you, his wife?

 

[emilybarrassed]

Your husband has the moral obligation to visit some catholic medical doctors, some catholic psychologists,** some catholic psychiatrists**, some catholic sexologists, some catholic philosophers, some catholic theologians, some catholic lawyers of Canon law in order to help him and in order to help your own couple.

To identify his different problematics:** what are his psychological issues? what are his mental issues? what are his moral issues? what are his religious issues? what are his spiritual issues? what physical issues? what are his issues of the conjugal relationship with his own wife…**…

About the marital act and about the fact of making one flesh with the sexual cooperation, in the human fashion???

His sexual obligations, and his sexual duties??? His treatments for solving his conjugal physical issues??? Your own conjugal rights of wife on him and on his body??.
The question of the possible declaration of nullity for legitimate reasons, only, as a mental electroshock? You have rights coming from the natural moral law about the validity of your marriage???

Thank you for your response. He has sought out all of the above which is hard to do where we live (very low Catholic population). At this time, the advice from Catholic Priest and Catholic psychologist is to slow down and not try to do too much. We have been told over and over that this will take time…a long time, to heal and recover.

We have talked about the possibility of a declaration of nullity but neither of us want that. I have given him an ultimatum before, regarding separation, and that did help. It was not about sex but I asked that he be kind to me and do loving things to work towards healing the relationship.

God bless him, he really is doing a lot to try to fix this. It’s just so big. So so big. He’s been open about everything even though it is embarrassing for him. I’ve already mentioned his emotional issues. I’m not sure about his spiritual issues but I’m sure there are effects from the many years of porn and stuff. He is doing a lot to heal his spiritual life too.

Part of that is what does make it hard. He is seemingly doing everything right but there’s no improvement in our relationship. I feel totally unloveable.

 

[emilybarrassed]

Pray God, Jesus, Holy Virgin, Saint Joseph and your keeper angel for your own couple, for your husband, for you and for your conjugal sex life;

Discuss with catholic specialists for trying to find out solutions and treatments , and for having information about your rights and Co.

Discuss honestly with your husband? What are his deep problematics? Who is he, in reality? Does he have the desire to try to find out some solutions? What is his desire, his hope and his will about his sexual conjugal future with you, his wife?

Thank you for your prayers. We discuss these things honestly on a regular basis. He deeply wants God’s will for our marriage.

 

[Rau]

Thank you for your prayers. We discuss these things honestly on a regular basis. He deeply wants God’s will for our marriage.

I am perplexed as to how your husband was once able to have sex with you (pre-marriage), and then sought marriage (which is an inherently sexual relationship), and then rejected sex. Has there been a focus on uncovering a trigger for this change?