Thank you for the prayers. I will pray for you too. I’m sorry that you have experienced the same pain.Will pray for you! In a sexless marriage myself (6 months now). Different reasons but I still understand the pain.
Thank you! I hope so too.I don’t think we can ever underestimate the effect of porn on a mans ability to conduct a healthy relationship.
You are a real trooper, emily. I hope your love and patience are rewarded by this mans spiritual healing in time.
God bless.
Yes, we have already uncovered the trigger. He was raised in a Protestant home/church where it was drilled into him from a young age that sex was dirty/wrong/shameful/etc. Couple that with the covert incest where he was put into a spousal relationship with his mom that was non-sexual but inappropriate. To him, marriage is when you don’t have sex because marriage is good and sex is bad. Sex is for when you are in the dark, doing something wrong. So when we were first dating, he was all over me. Once he saw me as a wife, he shifted his sex life into his hidden porn use and made me the saintly wife who doesn’t do such things, like the spousal relationship he had with his mom. It’s really m essed up.I am perplexed as to how your husband was once able to have sex with you (pre-marriage), and then sought marriage (which is an inherently sexual relationship), and then rejected sex. Has there been a focus on uncovering a trigger for this change?
I have wanted to adopt since before I got married. But no one would approve us for adoption given the state of our marriage and my emotion state. I wouldn’t be able to lie. And my physical health is so poor right night as well.If you want a big family have you looked into adoption? You may need to adopt outside the country but there are many children and maybe babies that you could look into adopting.
Thank you for your response. My husband was able to get out of the relationship with his mom (she was committed to a mental hospital) but he hasn’t been able to overcome the effects. I think in a way, her leaving was a huge trauma for him and it happened at an impressionable time in his youth.Sorry haven’t posted earlier–a whole bunch of RL happened.
I’m afraid I really don’t have any more ideas, but it’s good your husband agreed to therapy–a lot of men would be too embarrassed.
Sometimes life just piles on us and it’s so hard to keep faith, but it’s during the difficult times like this we have to more than ever.
So I’ll keep you and your DH in my prayers.
(Btw you asked how I got out of being the surrogate spouse for both parents–the situation was taken out of my hands…my father died and my mother moved to a different town. But I haven’t repeated this behavior with my own kids, so that’s how I coped.)
God bless.
Yes, but many (probably most) of us are (messed up) - with respect to imprinting of such things from our mothers and fathers. To me, it is this which is the most clear example of original sin - it get’s into out psyche and is very difficult to resolve.Yes, we have already uncovered the trigger. He was raised in a Protestant home/church where it was drilled into him from a young age that sex was dirty/wrong/shameful/etc. Couple that with the covert incest where he was put into a spousal relationship with his mom that was non-sexual but inappropriate. To him, marriage is when you don’t have sex because marriage is good and sex is bad. Sex is for when you are in the dark, doing something wrong. So when we were first dating, he was all over me. Once he saw me as a wife, he shifted his sex life into his hidden porn use and made me the saintly wife who doesn’t do such things, like the spousal relationship he had with his mom. It’s really m essed up.
Thank you for the advice. I’m not sure if I understand correctly but if you mean what I think, we have tried that angle. It has worked in the past but we don’t seem to be able to move beyond the “little wrong”. We have never had marital relations when it was 100% right. Ever. I have a strong aversion to the little wrong way now, because it makes me feel so bad about myself.Yes, but many (probably most) of us are (messed up) - with respect to imprinting of such things from our mothers and fathers. To me, it is this which is the most clear example of original sin - it get’s into out psyche and is very difficult to resolve.
It occurs to me that one way to reconnect, and then to try to bring things back toward more shared normalcy, is to find ways to be “a little wrong” without actually overtly crossing any lines. This of course should be discussed with the therapist.
Understood. There are many ways to be a “little wrong” (and that’s really a bad term - because what is right is whatever is ok between the two of you within Church definition.) Loving acts can sometimes, therefore, take multiple forms. Some people may like dressing sexy, role-playing, dirty talk, etc. While it makes sense to work with hubby to “ratchet him back” at the same time work on yourself to determine your comfort level with your own sexuality and why. I think, like anything in marriage, there is often compromise there - today my wife is certainly comfortable with things that she used to have a very rigid view on that is less rigid today, and there are things that she is still rigid on that we discuss. (A simple example is why is position A ok to some people but position B is not.)Thank you for the advice. I’m not sure if I understand correctly but if you mean what I think, we have tried that angle. It has worked in the past but we don’t seem to be able to move beyond the “little wrong”. We have never had marital relations when it was 100% right. Ever. I have a strong aversion to the little wrong way now, because it makes me feel so bad about myself.
Trying to ratchet him back doesn’t work. It’s actually counter productive. It’s a turn-off for him for me to dress sexy, talk dirty or role play. He simply can NOT currently view me in such a manner. He can’t even talk about sex with me without having major anxiety. I’m perfectly comfortable talking about sex, dressing sexy, role playing, dirty talk, any sexual position, etc. I’ve never been rigid. I probably should have been more rigid than I was, lol.Understood. There are many ways to be a “little wrong” (and that’s really a bad term - because what is right is whatever is ok between the two of you within Church definition.) Loving acts can sometimes, therefore, take multiple forms. Some people may like dressing sexy, role-playing, dirty talk, etc. While it makes sense to work with hubby to “ratchet him back” at the same time work on yourself to determine your comfort level with your own sexuality and why. I think, like anything in marriage, there is often compromise there - today my wife is certainly comfortable with things that she used to have a very rigid view on that is less rigid today, and there are things that she is still rigid on that we discuss. (A simple example is why is position A ok to some people but position B is not.)
Your willingness to TRY to be flexible, even if you cannot be so in the end, will likely fuel his ability to be flexible and come more within your comfort zone; it develops a feeling of acceptance in a man, which is really important to men generally.
I don’t know if these will help, but maybe together you two could read and reflect on sexual intimacy and intercourse in the Bible, and how it was a great blessing.Yes, we have already uncovered the trigger. He was raised in a Protestant home/church where it was drilled into him from a young age that sex was dirty/wrong/shameful/etc. Couple that with the covert incest where he was put into a spousal relationship with his mom that was non-sexual but inappropriate. To him, marriage is when you don’t have sex because marriage is good and sex is bad. Sex is for when you are in the dark, doing something wrong. So when we were first dating, he was all over me. Once he saw me as a wife, he shifted his sex life into his hidden porn use and made me the saintly wife who doesn’t do such things, like the spousal relationship he had with his mom. It’s really m essed up.