Sexless marriage

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PRAYER51

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Hi,

I’ve been in a sexless marriage for over a year now. We sleep in separate bedrooms and it doesn’t look like it will ever change. She never was really interested in sex, although we have 3 kids over a 25 year marriage. We go to mass together but I’m finding she wants less and less to do with me, wants to go on separate vacations with her girlfriends and doesn’t mind not spending any time with me. We went to counselling but that didn’t help as she just wants no sex (from me at least) and expects me to remain celibate. I know this isn’t grounds for divorce /annulment but is it grounds for a separation?
Thanks
 
She’s probably going through some physical changes that many women do once they reach a certain age. I suggest going to a doctor to see if her bodily changes are at the heart of her reluctance. Sex can be painful for older women because of hormone loss. Take her to a GYN. She may not want to tell you what’s going on when you have sex, but she might be more open to the doctor, especially a woman doctor. 🙂
 
It seems that you and your wife and in a very unhealthy place and likely need to see a priest and start marriage counseling. How the two of you decided that separate bedrooms and vacations was appropriate is very alarming. There is a clear lack of intimacy, communication and togetherness. I have learned that a husband is to love his wife as Christ loves the church. If that were occurring in your household would you be posting this question here? Likewise if she were loving, honoring and obeying you would you find yourself in a separate bedroom? You both deserve to be in a loving committed marriage and your children should be witness to such.
 
PRAYER51 said:
Hi,

I’ve been in a sexless marriage for over a year now. We sleep in separate bedrooms and it doesn’t look like it will ever change. She never was really interested in sex, although we have 3 kids over a 25 year marriage. We go to mass together but I’m finding she wants less and less to do with me, wants to go on separate vacations with her girlfriends and doesn’t mind not spending any time with me. We went to counselling but that didn’t help as she just wants no sex (from me at least) and expects me to remain celibate. I know this isn’t grounds for divorce /annulment but is it grounds for a separation?
Thanks
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I’m a little confused. How would a separation solve your problem or make things better?
 
I wouldn’t rule out an annulment. If she hasn’t been interested in sex for years, then it’s possible that this is not a valid marriage. Maybe she married because she had some fears, or who knows why. I am not saying this is an invalid marriage; just saying don’t rule out the possibility.

She is being extremely disrespectful to you and isn’t showing any interest in working things out. I would wait until the kids are grown and then get out.
 
A few thoughts.

Noone likes to think it. And this is by no means an accusation. But she may be seeing someone else. My uncle was in a similar situation a few years ago, and, after a long time, it came out that his wife was cheating. Again, I am not saying this is the case.

Further, take this to God. Whether that is marriage counseling with a priest, or spending time together at mass, adoration, or other prayerful time.

Separation wouldn’t solve anything, only because it seems that you are already separated to a degree. Annulment is a different matter. Below are the grounds that must be established for an annulment:

Simulation of consent; that is, the conscious and positive exclusion at consent by either or both of the contracting parties of one or all of the essential properties or “goods” of marriage: a) exclusivity of the marital relationship; b) the permanence of the marital bond; c) openness to offspring as the natural fruit of marriage (canon 1101§2)

Deliberate deceit about some personal quality that can objectively and gravely perturb conjugal life (canon 1098)

Conditional consent; the condition must concern the past or present (canon 1102)

Force or grave fear imposed on a person to obtain their consent (canon 1103)

A serious lack of the discretion of judgment at consent concerning the essential matrimonial rights and obligations to be given (canon 1095 n.2)
Psychic incapacity at consent to undertake the essential obligations of marriage (canon 1095 n.3).

Impediments to a marriage are listed here:

One or both parties is below the absolute minimum age of 16 for males and 14 for females

Antecedent and perpetual impotence (not to be confused with sterility)[4]
Ligamen, or being already married

The situation in which one party is a Catholic and the other has not been baptized (unless a dispensation is granted)

The man was ordained to holy orders

Either party made a public perpetual vow of chastity in a religious institute

Abduction with the intent of marriage (known as raptus), is an impediment as long as the person remains in the kidnapper’s power

Impediment of Crime, bringing about the death of one’s own spouse or the spouse of another, with the intention of marriage

Consanguinity, or close relationship by blood, even if the relationship is only by law

Affinity, or close relationship by marriage.

I wouldn’t jump to thoughts of annullment yet.
 
PRAYER51 said:
Hi,

We went to counselling but that didn’t help as she just wants no sex (from me at least) and expects me to remain celibate.
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How about you go back to counseling and fix the non-sex parts of your relationship and then work on the sex part? And make sure she’s getting adequate OB/GYN and primary medical care and is in good physical shape. Often, from a woman’s point of view, sex is the cherry on the top of a well-functioning relationship. Likewise, sex is the canary in the coal mine of female health. If a woman is not feeling perfectly healthy, sex is one of the first things to go.

Aside from the obvious (perimenopause), there are some funny things that happen with nutritional deficiencies. One of our kids was recently moping and dragging for several weeks, not enjoying life, and had a bunch of non-specific physical complaints. We finally took him to the pediatrician–turns out he was Vitamin D deficient. He’s been on supplements for a week or two now, and we can already see him perking up, although it will probably take a number of months to get him back up to speed.
 
Something is amiss in this relationship, and it’s not just the sex. You sleep in separate bedrooms and take separate vacations. You say she doesn’t want to spend any time with you. This is not how a healthy marriage looks. In healthy marriages, spouses enjoy spending time together, and even the most mundane tasks like grocery shopping can become a “date” if you’re together.

I’d bet good money that there is something deeper going on here, and the lack of sex is just one symptom of the deeper problem. There are a number of possibilities, and it could be physical (menopausal changes can wreak havoc with a woman’s libido), psychological (depression can mess with it, too), or relational (something between the two of you). Or a combination of things.

Please reconsider marital counseling before you resort to separation. Realize that it’s not just about the sex - it’s about having an intimate relationship with your wife. Have you heard of Retrouvaille? Would she go to something like that with you? Here’s the website: retrouvaille.org/

You’ll be in my prayers.
 
I always give too much feedback and get myself in trouble! Will be reserved.

Going to say that while you exhaust all medical help (menopause is very difficult for women; many need anti-depressants) look at how you treat your wife. Not saying you are doing anything wrong, just asking you to analyze. What is it they say: Men are excited through the eyes; women through the ears. What does she hear you saying? How do you approach her verbally? Get the idea?
 
CatholicRaven said:
I’m a little confused. How would a separation solve your problem or make things better?
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He wouldn’t have to go through the soul-killing torture of being around the one person he’d be willing to die for in a state of constant rejection. He’s facing up to the fact that the one person in life he thought he could rely on has no interest in having his back in this life.

It would be far easier emotionally and spiritually to live his life based on the reality of being alone then continue to fake the illusion that he’s in a partnership.

Sex is the symptom, not the actual problem.
 
Groo said:
I wouldn’t rule out an annulment. If she hasn’t been interested in sex for years, then it’s possible that this is not a valid marriage. Maybe she married because she had some fears, or who knows why. I am not saying this is an invalid marriage; just saying don’t rule out the possibility.

She is being extremely disrespectful to you and isn’t showing any interest in working things out. I would wait until the kids are grown and then get out.
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Annulment doesn’t solve the issue of the one person in his life that he’s devoted to, and would do anything for, has rejected him at the most fundamental level.

It is very difficult to wake up every day and go to bed at night in the home with the love of your life, knowing they view you as nothing but an inconvenience. A chore.

If he separates, he’ll be celibate but at least not constantly feeling like an impediment to the happiness of his loved one. If he gets an annulment it would most likely to be to free her, not himself.
 
styrgwillidar said:
Annulment doesn’t solve the issue of the one person in his life that he’s devoted to, and would do anything for, has rejected him at the most fundamental level.

It is very difficult to wake up every day and go to bed at night in the home with the love of your life, knowing they view you as nothing but an inconvenience. A chore.

If he separates, he’ll be celibate but at least not constantly feeling like an impediment to the happiness of his loved one. If he gets an annulment it would most likely to be to free her, not himself.
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Separation and/or divorce should always be last options. After all, our wedding vows say “in sickness and in health, for better or for worse, for richer for poorer” not “only if my spouse has my back.” He has many options to explore before resorting to such drastic measures.
 
styrgwillidar said:
Annulment doesn’t solve the issue of the one person in his life that he’s devoted to, and would do anything for, has rejected him at the most fundamental level.
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I think you’re assuming facts not in evidence with regard to the OP being devoted to his wife and willing to do anything for her.

From what we’ve seen by his own account, he is unwilling to go to marriage counseling if it doesn’t produce instant sex.
 
Don’t know all the dynamics here but I have a sexless marriage, all I can say is you get use to it, it’s not all that bad I mean Mary and Joseph were chaste. My reasons might be different then yours mine pertain to health issues and it is also upon mutual consent. What I have discovered is the hardest kind of suffering is the kind which we avoid, what I mean by this is if you know it won’t change it might help you by excepting your circumstances in life. I would find a good orthodox priest to council you both, marriage counselors today are charlatans.
 
Della said:
Separation and/or divorce should always be last options. After all, our wedding vows say “in sickness and in health, for better or for worse, for richer for poorer” not “only if my spouse has my back.” He has many options to explore before resorting to such drastic measures.
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Well, we only have his side, but she’s not interested in counseling and doesn’t see there’s a problem with no intimacy in a marriage.

It takes two to make a marriage, if he’s willing to work at it and she’s not-- if she thinks this is fine- well, he’s still sacramentaly married even if separated. Just not pounding his head against a wall every day.
 
Roxygirl1488 said:
So he can remarry and have sex with someone else duh!
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No he can’t. If he separates- he still has to remain celibate, he still has to honor his marriage vows forsaking all others. He just doesn’t have to torture himself with the object of his love being right there rejecting him every day.

ETA: Roxygirl-- you do realize that this is the woman he loves? He doesn’t want someone else? THis is the person he took a vow to that he would never seek that level of intimacy with anyone else? That’s his problem-- he doesn’t want to seek intimacy elsewhere? That’s why this is torture- the person he agreed to reserve this level of intimacy for, now rejects any desire for being that close to him. If he wanted to seek another, he already could have.
 
You don’t need an annulment to live apart, ya know? He asked about annulment…I’m just thinking annulment in this situation sounds more suggestive to me, if he said I want to leave her and live apart then I would think for the reason you said…but I don’t think that is what he is thinking, or he wouldn’t be asking about annulments…why don’t we ask him?
 
Why do you want an annulment ? So you can remarry?
Because if you don’t have intention to remarry then why do you need an annulment ?
You can live apart and remain married in the eyes of the church (if you absolutely can’t resolve this)
 
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