Sexless marriage

[styrgwillidar]

You don’t need an annulment to live apart, ya know? He asked about annulment…I’m just thinking annulment in this situation sounds more suggestive to me, if he said I want to leave her and live apart then I would think for the reason you said…but I don’t think that is what he is thinking, or he wouldn’t be asking about annulments…why don’t we ask him?

No-- he stated that it isn’t grounds for an annulment, but asked if it is grounds for separation.

Depends how much torture he can take. Everyone has a breaking point. He may want to look at the life of St. Ulrich who became a monk after his wife cheated on him.

 

[Roxygirl1488]

My point is he is asking about annulments ! Not living apart because he feels rejected and it’s torture! The man wants to have sex and can’t! How can we solve this? Oh yea that’s right an annulment ! Glad I could put two and two together.

Oh **** I totally misread what he posted

 

[styrgwillidar]

My point is he is asking about annulments ! Not living apart because he feels rejected and it’s torture! The man wants to have sex and can’t! How can we solve this? Oh yea that’s right an annulment ! Glad I could put two and two together.

No he isn’t, go back and read it:

“I know this isn’t grounds for divorce /annulment but is it grounds for a separation?”

others mentioned he might be able to get an annulment. But he’s discounted it, he’s trying to decide if it would be better to live separately. Sex is just the symptom, he wants closeness-- you know, that’s why we vow to only be intimate with our spouse, to reserve that level of intimacy to only that person.

 

[Roxygirl1488]

Sorry I misread what he posted I feel bad, anyways let me tell you I feel your pain…but it does get easier

 

[styrgwillidar]

Sorry I misread what he posted I feel bad, anyways let me tell you I feel your pain…but it does get easier

Well, maybe when the kids are gone and she’s not here every other day. Or on the weekends when one of the kids have an event like this weekend. Homecoming dance, girls gathered here to get ready LXSNW was here most of the day.

 

[Roxygirl1488]

Let me tell you this, it wasn’t always upon mutual consent for me, the mutual consent part came when I excepted this is how it is. My situation/circumstances/reasons whatever might be somewhat different but trust me I know how you feel its horrible…but I know my husband doesn’t mean to be this way…he just is, and I think He Always was it just got worse over time. Like our reasons are I have horrible hashimoto flare ups after I give birth and I get kind of crazy, it resembles post partum depression but it’s not it’s my thyroid, Long story short we have to live chaste in order to avoid another pregnancy. I don’t practice NFP bc I can’t take a chance of getting pregnant and my cycles are messed up Anyways, regardless I have 5 kids ages 5 and under two sets of identical twins …if I get pregnant again I might go crazy not to mention my thyroid flare up on top of it. So I’m in a sexless marriage but occasionally forget that but quickly get reminded why when my husband says not a good idea. Then I’m like okay your right. But he is still unaffectionate in general so that makes it harder for me emotionally, we sleep seperate too bc well he snores like a hoss. But I know he loves me and I love him. Love is not a feeling ya know? And those of us who live chaste marriages for whatever reason get to connect to our spouse in a special spiritual way…it’s awesome to know sex doesn’t hold your marriage together, bc for a lot of people it does. But it doesn’t make it any less lonely or difficult …but those are all feelings ya know? Feelings are deceptive we must go based on logic and reason, I would say it’s logical to assume despite everything you still love each other and that’s what matters. Some people express their love different too, I’m more emotional touchy feely my husband isn’t but he shows his love other ways like letting me sleep in on the weekends and getting up with the kids for me, small stuff like that. I know it hurts but it gets better. At least it did for me once I excepted it.

 

[styrgwillidar]

…
Love is not a feeling ya know?
…

Yes. It’s a choice we make every day. If there are reasons for avoiding intimacy, that’s different. As others have said, there are medical conditions that can cause a lack of desire. There are physical conditions that just downright preclude it. We had a miscarriage with our first child. We never had sex during pregnancies because my LXSNW was deeply afraid of another miscarriage, so we never had sex during any of the pregnancies- a small gift to give her for reassurance and peace of mind. A choice.

His wife is making a choice, can he deal with it? Is he able to connect in other ways with her and feel close, loved? I don’t know. But she is making a choice, and it is sending a message to him of how she feels about him. She is making another choice in counseling by how she’s approaching it. Pretty much his problem, not hers. When it really is theirs-- if she wants a marriage.

All I know is when my LXSNW decided to move out and separate because to her love was a feeling, it is far easier to live day-to-day without her right there, to live based on the reality of not being able to count on her, not on the illusion of thinking she was there for me or the false hope that she could. Yeah, I did get the annulment a few years ago, but, I’m single and celibate and focusing on the kids. (Which for some reason annoys a lot of folks who keep trying to fix me up with people) But that was the last gift to her, the opportunity to reconcile with the Church should she ever desire it. It was never really about sex, it was about being close to her. Forsaking all others was always pretty easy.

 

[Roxygirl1488]

Well listen, you sound like an amazing person, women are emotional by nature so sometimes we go based on our emotions and we shouldn’t, at times I wanted to leave my marriage too but after much prayer and reflection I could see he did love me and love is a choice like you said and not a feeling. You got a annulment so you can technically remarry if you wanted to, sounds like you don’t which means she really made a mistake women are so dumb

 

[styrgwillidar]

Well listen, you sound like an amazing person, women are emotional by nature so sometimes we go based on our emotions and we shouldn’t, at times I wanted to leave my marriage too but after much prayer and reflection I could see he did love me and love is a choice like you said and not a feeling. You got a annulment so you can technically remarry if you wanted to, sounds like you don’t which means she really made a mistake women are so dumb

Thank you for the conversation. I probably have brought too much of my own experience into this. My LXSNW wasn’t a dumb person, actually one of the smartest people I’ve known. Very outgoing, engaging, charming. But then, why would I have married her if I thought she was awful? One tries to hold onto the good, not just the bad. Too easy too get bitter by focusing on the negative and forgetting the positives. I’m not an amazing person, but glad I at least sound like one. If I were amazing, I’d have been able to figure out how to keep my marriage together, keep a mother in my kid’s home with them. In that I failed. And failed in providing my wife the happiness she sought… I’m doing the best I can with the situation I’m in with much prayer for guidance to the Holy Spirit.

Your husband is extremely blessed that you have made your choice to love him.

God bless you and yours always…

 

[Roxygirl1488]

By dumb I mean we can’t see a good thing if it hit us upside the head. She made a choice doesn’t sound like a good one, and ya know my husband treats me good but he isn’t perfect either but I thought about leaving him before, doesn’t mean he was doing something wrong, I don’t necessarily think you were either.

 

[Della]

Well, we only have his side, but she’s not interested in counseling and doesn’t see there’s a problem with no intimacy in a marriage.

It takes two to make a marriage, if he’s willing to work at it and she’s not-- if she thinks this is fine- well, he’s still sacramentaly married even if separated. Just not pounding his head against a wall every day.

The point it, he doesn’t have to be “pounding his head against a wall” if he can properly resolve the situation. He has options, of which separation is second to last on the list. Divorce being the last option.

He can have a serious talk with his wife to see what she wants to do.

He can encourage her to see her GYN to see if it’s a physical problem.

He can decide to accept that she has no further interest in sex–it’s not impossible to live without sex within marriage. After 25 years such urges begin to die away. Unfortunately for him, not always at the same time.

He needs to approach this not from a “I’m not getting sex” perspective but from a “what can we do to save our marriage” perspective. One’s attitude makes a huge difference in resolving issues on both sides.

I’ve only listed a few options, there are more. Separation might be the way to go, but it’s hard spiritually, emotionally, financially, and socially. It may seem like the easy way out, but in reality it isn’t.

 

[TruthSeeker92]

Hi,

I do not mean to assume things, but I really do want to help and a couple of thoughts came to mind.

I think that if a woman is not interested in sex it means that the marital friendship, and romance has been neglected. Have you tried courting her again? You MUST pursue her all over again, and continually, within marriage. Have you talked to her about what she finds romantic? Study this woman. Figure out what she likes to do with her friends, what is important to her, what she desires and dreams about. It’s a daily process and it won’t happen overnight, but you must do it. If you have been pursuing your wife, then great! Keep up the good work! If not, get to it! She needs to know you don’t just want her for the sake of sex. Because women can sense if they’re being used (I’m not accusing you, I’m just saying that women are very sensitive to this, and if your friendship has gone down the drain that’s how she’ll feel.)

Here’s an article I found on One Flesh Marriage: **4 Ways to Pursue Your Wife **onefleshmarriage.com/2014/09/4-ways-pursue-your-wife.html

A website with ideas about how to date your wife: happywivesclub.com/

Fireproof My Marriage: fireproofmymarriage.com/

 

[CaliLobo]

Let’s find out whether she is seeing someone else. That will make our questions either to answer.

 

[SED]

The point it, he doesn’t have to be “pounding his head against a wall” if he can properly resolve the situation. He has options, of which separation is second to last on the list. Divorce being the last option.

He can have a serious talk with his wife to see what she wants to do.

He can encourage her to see her GYN to see if it’s a physical problem.

He can decide to accept that she has no further interest in sex–it’s not impossible to live without sex within marriage. After 25 years such urges begin to die away. Unfortunately for him, not always at the same time.

He needs to approach this not from a “I’m not getting sex” perspective but from a “what can we do to save our marriage” perspective. One’s attitude makes a huge difference in resolving issues on both sides.

I’ve only listed a few options, there are more. Separation might be the way to go, but it’s hard spiritually, emotionally, financially, and socially. It may seem like the easy way out, but in reality it isn’t.

He can do none of this without her participation . If she has given up on thier marriage, which it sounds like she has. He is already separated, and not by his own choice. There is nothing as painful as being rejected ( I’m not talking about sex here) by the one you’ve given your life to… As mentioned by others, the living in separate rooms, lack of physical relations, arguments, etc. are symptoms, not causes.

From what I’ve read, she has checked out of this marraige and has already left her husband, just still lives in the same home.

I pray she has a change of heart, and pray you will also look at how you might have contributed to pain she may also be feeling. only then can you both begin to rebuild your relationship.

May God Bless you both…

 

[SED]

No he can’t. If he separates- he still has to remain celibate, he still has to honor his marriage vows forsaking all others. He just doesn’t have to torture himself with the object of his love being right there rejecting him every day.

ETA: Roxygirl-- you do realize that this is the woman he loves? He doesn’t want someone else? THis is the person he took a vow to that he would never seek that level of intimacy with anyone else? That’s his problem-- he doesn’t want to seek intimacy elsewhere? That’s why this is torture- the person he agreed to reserve this level of intimacy for, now rejects any desire for being that close to him. If he wanted to seek another, he already could have.

Styrgwillidar,

I can tell from what you’ve written, you have a very good understanding of this. You have given the most thoughtful and empathetic replies.

 

[Della]

He can do none of this without her participation . If she has given up on thier marriage, which it sounds like she has. He is already separated, and not by his own choice. There is nothing as painful as being rejected ( I’m not talking about sex here) by the one you’ve given your life to… As mentioned by others, the living in separate rooms, lack of physical relations, arguments, etc. are symptoms, not causes.

From what I’ve read, she has checked out of this marraige and has already left her husband, just still lives in the same home.

I pray she has a change of heart, and pray you will also look at how you might have contributed to pain she may also be feeling. only then can you both begin to rebuild your relationship.

May God Bless you both…

How can he not have a serious talk with his wife without her participation? You are making a lot of assumptions here. Besides, we haven’t heard back from him so we cannot know what has happened to their marriage. Let us pray that they can work things out so they can strengthen their relationship, which they both vowed before God to keep.