Sexless Marriage?

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I pray you and your wife may have a restored marriage. I will tell you what everyone tells me on this site. Get therapy, pray and talk to your wife. God bless.
 
MainBrain said:
Sorry I haven’t been around. I’ve been busy working. My marriage is still void of sex, love and intamacy. I’ve seriously been contemplating a six month separation. .
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MainBrain, I just stumbled upon this thread. I have no idea of your past postings, and I am basing my comments just on what I have read here, and on my own experiences.

I do not care about the legitimacy of your marriage in the eyes of the Church or the Forum members. My concern is of the health of that relationship, which I see (perhaps this is “projection”) as being very bleak and desolate.

I have a temper. I have NEVER hit my wife. Never. But I do raise my voice. When I am frustrated, I utter one short explosive comment, which vents and releases my anger. With that one verbal expression, it is over and done with, from my perspective. But my wife gets hurt and holds onto that hurt, and then does not feel at all romantic for days or weeks. And when she does not feel romantic, and does not allow me to get intimate, well, I am more likely to have another burst of angry words, and there is a very vicious cycle.

My wife said that if she didn’t feel loving towards me, she would not have marital relations, that it would make her feel like a whore. So our sex life was getting difficult with this cycle.

Then my wife developed certain medical problems that lead to a complete cessation of martial relations. What I was taught to refer to as “female problems.” When her medical condition began, the frequency of our relations went rapidly down to zero.

When we had a happy and active love life, intimacies that for one reason or another did not result in fulfillment (for example, a crying child who needed to be comforted – funny how their timing can be so bad!!!) were frustrating, but were bearable, something to be laughed at later, part of our loving each other. But when our sex went down to zero, we discovered that intimate relations which did not result in fulfillment simply created (at least on my part) even more resentment over the lack of sex. So for several years, we had stopped almost any and all intimacy. This resulted in a coldness and separation that had become even worse than the abstinence itself.

My wife did not want to speak to our priest. So I met with him in private, and I had explained the issues from my perspective. He helped explain the issues from another perspective, which might or might not have been my wife’s perspective. But he helped me see that much of the problem was my fault, and he helped me see that my focus on the sex aspect was the wrong focus.

I had a hard time deciding if someone celibate for life by his own decision was someone who could help me realize the relative importance of sex or not, and someone who could understand the plight of a “normal” man who faced the prospect of celibacy.

The priest certainly was not someone who would tell me “You don’t have to put up with that. Go forth and get what you want where you can find it. It would not be cheating on your wife, because she is in breach of her marital vows to you.” Was that what I was looking for? Well, it was not what I found!

MainBrain, how much resentment are you harboring against your wife because she is withholding sex from you? You need to learn to let that resentment and anger go. It is not going to lead to you getting what you want, and it is in fact pushing your goal away from you. Let the anger go. All of it, but you can start small, let go of some of it. Let go of a small part every day. Remember the love you felt for your wife when you first got engaged. Remember how she was your entire life. Let go of the anger. Let go of the resentment. It is hard, but do it anyway!

You need to engage in small acts of intimacy that are NOT undertaken with some kind of goal of finally “getting some.” You need to engage in small gestures of intimacy that are done simply to tell your wife that you love her. Period. No ulterior goal. And I mean that. Because if you have an ulterior goal, (1) she will know it and resent it, and (2) you will quickly resent the fact that the goal is not achieved.

The only goal of the small gestures of intimacy is to help YOU remember YOUR love for her. Because it is rekindling of your love that will make your marriage better. The reality is that you do not need sex. You need your marriage to stop being cold and desolate. You are alone, instead of being part of a loving marriage. To heck with the marriage being sexless; the marriage is cold and you are alone, and that is your pain and bitterness. Otherwise, you would not let the mere lack of sex bring you here talking about divorce, looking for the approval and validation of strangers.

Sex is wonderful when it is an expression of love between two loving people. I am certainly not running down sex. But your problem is not a lack of sex; it is the coldness in your marriage. Maybe if your marriage heals, your sex life will resume, but that will come only from a healthy marriage, and from counseling and perhaps medical assistance. But it will not come if your goal is sex.

I will pray for you and for your wife! Not that you finally “get some” but that you find happiness and fulfillment in your marriage. May He bless you and your family.
 
I am thinking, how can a sexless marriage not turn sex into an idol in one’s life when there are so many pressing issues in life?
 
MainBrain said:
I am thinking, how can a sexless marriage not turn sex into an idol in one’s life when there are so many pressing issues in life?
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By letting go of an attitude of entitlement to sex. In life, we are entitled to nothing other than that which human dignity requires. (Think: life, freedom of expression, freedom of religion). Sex isn’t an essential; it’s a bonus.
 
alphawoman said:
By letting go of an attitude of entitlement to sex. In life, we are entitled to nothing other than that which human dignity requires. (Think: life, freedom of expression, freedom of religion). Sex isn’t an essential; it’s a bonus.
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You’re kidding, right??
 
MainBrain said:
You’re kidding, right??
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No, that’s reality. You were given this life to strive for the qualities that would allow you to merit eternal life.

Self-sacrifice is a BIG part of the redemptive gospel message. It’s through death to the self that we truly begin to live in Christ’s footsteps.

More directly, you would be surprised at the degree to which sincere, interior changes in your attitude on this front will translate into you actually getting what you desire. When you stop seeing your wife as a sexual object without agency, and stop seeing yourself and your happiness as defined by sex, you will experience sexuality in all its holy, irrepressible glory. It’s not just about rubbing your genitals against someone until you spasm uncontrollably for a few seconds. Actually, when it’s put that way, the obsession with sex sounds pretty stupid. And, yet, it’s how the devil operates–by distorting our sensory demands, even by making us conflate sex with love.
 
Let me ask you something ALPHA woman.
Are you married? Have you every been married? I have lived in a sexless marriage for over 15 years! How is that not cruel? What makes you think I don’t agree with what you are writing below. And what makes you think you are 100% correct? To withhold intamacy and yes sex in marriage IS CRUEL!! Do you not agree? And what makes you think I see my wife as a sexual object? How dare you!!! What makes you think I don’t want the act to closeness! YOU SHOULD VERY JUDGEMENTAL AND YOU ARE JUDGEMENTAL!!! HOW DARE YOU!!! Once again are you married? And explain this scripture verse to me!!!

" 1 Corinthians 7New International Version (NIV)
Concerning Married Life

7 Now for the matters you wrote about: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” 2 But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband. 3 The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. 5 Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. 6 I say this as a concession, not as a command. 7 I wish that all of you were as I am. But each of you has your own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that."
alphawoman said:
No, that’s reality. You were given this life to strive for the qualities that would allow you to merit eternal life.

Self-sacrifice is a BIG part of the redemptive gospel message. It’s through death to the self that we truly begin to live in Christ’s footsteps.

More directly, you would be surprised at the degree to which sincere, interior changes in your attitude on this front will translate into you actually getting what you desire. When you stop seeing your wife as a sexual object without agency, and stop seeing yourself and your happiness as defined by sex, you will experience sexuality in all its holy, irrepressible glory. It’s not just about rubbing your genitals against someone until you spasm uncontrollably for a few seconds. Actually, when it’s put that way, the obsession with sex sounds pretty stupid. And, yet, it’s how the devil operates–by distorting our sensory demands, even by making us conflate sex with love.
Click to expand...
 
MainBrain said:
Let me ask you something ALPHA woman.
Are you married? Have you every been married? I have lived in a sexless marriage for over 15 years! How is that not cruel? What makes you think I don’t agree with what you are writing below. And what makes you think you are 100% correct? To withhold intamacy and yes sex in marriage IS CRUEL!! Do you not agree? And what makes you think I see my wife as a sexual object? How dare you!!! What makes you think I don’t want the act to closeness! YOU SHOULD VERY JUDGEMENTAL AND YOU ARE JUDGEMENTAL!!! HOW DARE YOU!!! Once again are you married? And explain this scripture verse to me!!!

" 1 Corinthians 7New International Version (NIV)
Concerning Married Life

7 Now for the matters you wrote about: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” 2 But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband. 3 The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. 5 Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. 6 I say this as a concession, not as a command. 7 I wish that all of you were as I am. But each of you has your own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that."
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You’ve spent quite a bit of time online these last several hours. What is your wife doing?
 
Rau said:
You’ve spent quite a bit of time online these last several hours. What is your wife doing?
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Yelling at me for no good reason!
Can Alpha Woman answer my question please?
Thank you. Rau you’re welcome to as well.
 
MainBrain said:
Yelling at me for no good reason!
Can Alpha Woman answer my question please?
Thank you. Rau you’re welcome to as well.
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What exactly do you hope to accomplish with your many many threads about this issue?
 
Hoosier_Daddy said:
What exactly do you hope to accomplish with your many many threads about this issue?
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Indeed. In his very similar thread of 2 years ago (I looked it up…) my attempts to understand thd actual circumstances of his marriage, particularly his wife’s situation and perspective, were met with non answers. The focus seemed to be to his pain, not any kind of solution.
 
MainBrain said:
Yelling at me for no good reason!
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All this time online is not contributing to your family or to your marriage. Are you sure she has no good reason to be upset with you?

May I ask - what does your wife do for work?
 
Rau said:
All this time online is not contributing to your family or to your marriage. Are you sure she has no good reason to be upset with you?

May I ask - what does your wife do for work?
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Yes. Also, OP, your latest posts have been very volatile. Do you find yourself communicating in this way towards your wife? This might be contributing to the issues in your marriage and how your wife feels towards you. If you go from fairly calm to emotional outbursts, your wife will respond in kind. If you are unable to look past an issue, neither will she.

Lou
 
All else being equal (assuming a marriage is otherwise healthy), I think most of us agree that withholding sex from one’s spouse is unkind at best, sinful at worst.

But for a long time, I’ve felt very uncomfortable reading MainBrain’s posts on this topic, and I think I’ve figured out why.

MainBrain, do you want your wife to have sex with you even if she finds it repulsive? It seems like you’re trying to convince her to have sex with you because it is her duty as a wife.

But it seems to me that a loving husband would not feel right having sex with his wife, knowing that she finds it intensely unpleasant and is doing so only out of obligation. Honestly, such an act feels very much like rape.

Yes, that’s a loaded word. I’m sure people will chime in and say “I have sex with my spouse out of love even when I’m not in the mood; that doesn’t feel like rape to me.” To you I say: this situation is entirely different. MainBrain’s marriage seems to have many issues outside of the lack of sex. He says that he has a right to sex and is trying to use Christianity to bully his wife into doing what he wants. He is not thinking of her; he is thinking of himself. He is not talking about how to make the act desirable for her; he is talking about how to get her to have sex with him even though she has clearly refused.

REGARDLESS of what she could do to improve their marriage (and it isn’t clear from this distance what would be reasonable), I find MainBrain’s behavior appalling.

MainBrain, you will not improve your marriage by pointing out Bible verses to remind your wife of her ‘marital debt.’ If you see fit, divorce and seek an annullment. But you should NEVER use the words of Our Lord to bully and manipulate an unwilling woman, ESPECIALLY if she is your wife. Do not be a hypocrite: do not expect her to fulfill her ‘wifely duties’ when you are not loving her as a husband ought to love his wife.
 
SayehMahtabi said:
But for a long time, I’ve felt very uncomfortable reading MainBrain’s posts on this topic, and I think I’ve figured out why.

**MainBrain, do you want your wife to have sex with you even if she finds it repulsive? It seems like you’re trying to convince her to have sex with you because it is her duty as a wife.
**
**But it seems to me that a loving husband would not feel right having sex with his wife, knowing that she finds it intensely unpleasant and is doing so only out of obligation. **Honestly, such an act feels very much like rape.
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Right.
 
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